BPD divorce

[robhenn1]

Trying to survive after being rejected by spouse who suffers from BPD.  11 years married and hates me because I loved her and gave her everything.  She had filed for divorce and won't even talk to me.  

[ForeverDad]

As a general rule one person can't change another unless that person wants to change.  So if you're wondering how you can change her, fix her, get her to like you again or get her to be less uncooperative, well... .that's in her ballpark, largely up to her.  BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation, more evident the closer the relationship.  Probably you're too close to her for her to ignore her emotional baggage and listen to you.  Maybe you can positively influence her at some point in the future but you can't count on it.  Perhaps you can learn some communication skills advocated here (DEARMAN, BIFF, SET, etc) but whether it will help or how much it will help in your case is unknown - but it can't hurt to be more educated and more informed.  The more you learn, then the more informed and more confident your decisions will be.

So besides learning about the disorder and improving your skill set, any improvements will have to be about you.  What can you do to get a better perspective?  more options to attain a better future?  identify better strategies for success?  The peer support here is invaluable, we've "been there and done that", our collective experience can be so very helpful.

An important question, so much of what we share and comment depends on your circumstances... .do you have children?  Having minor children does make resolution and co-parenting much more complicated.

[maxen]

hi robhenn. i'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. i can tell you that here, you won't be alone: i too, just for one, had my wife turn her back. it's an awful, helpless place to be. the most important thing now is for you to try to keep your emotional equilibrium. stay connected socially, and lean on your friends. and post here: after my wife bolted i just about lived here for a while. i can't emphasize enough that there are others who have been through this, and we're ready to listen and support.

when you're ready, can you tell us a little more? was there any one thing that triggered her? where do things stand legally? please keep posting robhenn!

[ForeverDad]

Here are some excerpts from a post I made recently to another member (who had children):

People with BPD (pwBPD) are known to overreact to triggers or what they feel are traumas.  When they're in that Zone you can't reason with them, they're not listening or refusing to listen.

BPD is an emotion-driven disorder where the closer the relationship, the more intense and more evident the disorder.  Part of that might be the person feels you're locked into the relationship now and so they can act out in private (or within the family) scenarios and you're relatively powerless as Fix-It Spouse do do anything about it.  Part too is that they can't/won't see past the huge amount of emotional baggage of the close relationship and therefore you get obstruction rather than cooperation.

BPD has often been called the Blaming Disorder.  Also, Blame Shifting, nothing too horrendous or shocking or illogical to allege.

When a partner is determined not to work with you consistently, nothing works, at least not for long.  She is what she is, she does or doesn't do whatever she does or doesn't do.  Once you can wrap your head around that level of twisted illogic, even obstinacy, the only alternative is to determine what you will do to change yourself, your tactics, your strategy.

Look at our Book Reviews and Article Reviews boards, we have a number of resources there:

• Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder - William A. Eddy & Randi Kreger (a must-have handbook!)



• Stop Walking on Eggshells - Randi Kreger (she has a newer book now)



• Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison (how to help children handle the divorce and alienation attempts)



• Dr Craig Childress (advocating a better way to address parental alienation with the mental health community)



• DrJoeCarver.com (various articles about Users, Losers and Abusers - note that this clinical psychologist writes to the reader, sticks to the behaviors and does not use diagnostic labels)

Most divorces described here are a year at a minimum, often about two years especially with children (mine was 23.5 months) and some even longer.  You have to accept that you can't deal with someone who refuses to negotiate and who always demands more.  You can't.  Once you accept that, then you can see that you have to muddle through all the court's required steps as quickly as you can until you can get before the Real Authority - court.

Most divorces, including many of ours, end with a settlement.  It's just that our divorces take a lot longer until we can get the ex's entitlement reigned in a little at court.  So the key is to get to Court with as little delay as possible.  Yes, court may require mediation and settlement conferences, we will of course work with that but the difference is that we don't dawdle in those stages because the odds are so low to get realistic offers.  Odds are, the judge's decision, as much as they rattle their paper sabers and threaten that any court decision will make both parties unhappy, is probably going to be better than anything you can squeeze from the obstructive spouse.

So you need to decide what your boundaries are and whether you can sustain them in the divorce process.  As I wrote above, Odds are, the judge's decision is probably going to be better than anything you can squeeze from an obstructive spouse who has blacklisted you.

I think she is a narcissist.  She HAS to win.  She HAS to control.  She uses the kids.

She has to control or else feel controlled.  She has to win or else feel the loser.

Court won't care in most cases whether she has a mental illness diagnostic label or not.  Court won't try to change either one of you, it generally deals with you both as you are.  Court goes by the behaviors and behavior patterns.  Mostly the counselors and evaluators do too.  You would do well to focus on the behaviors and patterns with them.  Yes, they do have some PD (or co-morbid with traits of multiple PDs) but it's not the blazing insight that we wish it would be for court.

Also, court pays more attention to parenting behaviors than adult behaviors.  (For example, her ranting/raging/hitting you won't do much for custody, but documenting her ranting/raging/hitting at the children will.)  Yes, document it all, but give priority to how the children are impacted.  The good with you, the bad with ex.

[Stylianos]

Hi Robhenn - this is a very tough time - and i am sorry you are going through it.  The good news is that you found a wonderful resource for emotional support, reality check, and strategy.

I would recommend you find Forever Dad's posts, Lived and Learned's posts, and others and Read as much as you can here.  Splitting by Bill Eddy should also be at the top of your to do list.

Another resource i would recommend is  "The List", by Tom

www.deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.13

It is hard right now - but essential to work to shift gears from the emotional mind to the logical mind - and start protecting you and yours.

Strategy is essential to this process, but all the time know that self care for the emotional part is essential because the best strategy, not executed b/c of our emotional state, is wasted time, money, and heartache.

Stay in the fight!  (it is a fight... .)

Rgds

Mike K

[SamwizeGamgee]

This brings back to mind the concerns I am having too.  There's the phrase I hear from time to time "the only thing worse than marrying a Borderline - is divorcing a Borderline."

As a full-time working dad (and a full time dad when I'm home - thanks to uBPDw entitlement), I stand to lose big if court decides that dad only sees the kids every other weekend and pays for everything.  Leaving my kids with mom's alienating and unstable behavior would feel like leaving my kids in a burning building.

Nevertheless, we are stuck with choices that lead to outcomes we don't like either, but, we have one life to live.  I am adopting the mantra that I can help raise my kids to be Abusers, Victims, or Resilient Survivors.  I can influence that.  So I will try.

[ForeverDad]

There's the phrase I hear from time to time "the only thing worse than marrying a Borderline - is divorcing a Borderline."

My local financial advisors' three item checklist on how to retain wealth:

• Don't get married.



• If you do marry, don't have kids.



• If you do marry or have kids, don't divorce.

Nevertheless, we are stuck with choices that lead to outcomes we don't like either, but, we have one life to live.  I am adopting the mantra that I can help raise my kids to be Abusers, Victims, or Resilient Survivors.  I can influence that.  So I will try.