What do u call this and how does one deal with it?

[Glenna]

Hi Everyone,

My daughter and her 2 boys are still with me, until next week. Things have been slightly better, but still extremely annoying and stressful. I would like to ask about this response on the part of my uBPDd36 and responses of this kind in general.

My daughter occasionally goes out with her friends in the evening and comes home late. She ALWAYS says she is going to be home early but only one time in ten or more does she. Often she calls and says she will be home in half an hour and she NEVER is. Sometimes she does this twice in an evening. I and my oldest gs always used to believe what she said and expect her home and then be annoyed and stressed when she didn't come when she said. The usual time she comes home is after 2. Even after having been through this many times, he and I always believe what she says, at least at some level. We have told her when she does come home not to say she's coming and then not come. Doesn't make much impression on her.`

Tonight, before she went out, she again said she'd be home early. MY gs said. 'don't say that' with mild but real frustration. She got annoyed on her side and said, 'People just want to have dinner together.'

Huh?

This is of course a non sequitor, but in this case there's got to be another term for it. How does one respond to something that makes no sense? I can process it as defensive, careless and deflecting, and it still really annoys me, though not enough to say something, but how does a child deal with it?

My mother used to say things like this and I found it frustrating beyond belief. As she could play cards that weren't in the deck of 52, she always won these exchanges. I would feel confused and depressed. I can't bear that my grandsons have to have this kind of demented nonsense to deal with. Is there help for this? Or a tool to dismantle it?

Thank you to anyone who responds. 

Glenna

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi Glenna-

It is a difficult situation you are in and heartbreaking that your grandson is also involved.

It likely will not do much good to continue to try to reason with your DD- this is all a part of her mental illness. She is likely not correctly hearing what you are saying to her. She is likely incapable of having empathy towards you and her son.

This is where not having expectations for her to behave more reasonably come into play. Consider for a moment how it might feel for you and your grandson to give up an expectation that your DD will be truthful and straightforward when you are hearing from her that she will be home soon. Since it is never (or rarely) true when your DD states when she will be home, why believe this? You can be pleasantly surprised when/if it happens but to continue to believe this is counterproductive to your peace of mind. What would happen if you simply wished her to have a good evening and proceeded with your lives as if she WILL NOT follow through. No need to make a big deal of this if you are resigned to caring for your GS in her absence and if you are not waiting up for her, say to lock a door or turn out lights. Take what she says with a grain of salt and go on with your life.

It becomes a matter of accepting the things you cannot change. To continually resist and hold ourselves in tension for what we cannot control isn't healthy. I think you can be a tremendous role model for your grandson. Maybe this can even be a gentle, humorous moment between the two of you. After your daughter leaves maybe you can say something lighthearted about her comments on when she will return home- I'm thinking something like if she says she will be home in 30 minutes you could say something such as "I guess 30 minutes is different for her than it is for us!" and give him a big hug and a wink and then go bake some cookies or read him a sweet story.

Over on the right, Lesson 2, if your current approach is not working- change it is a good thing to read about this situation.

Best wishes for you Glenna and for your precious grandchildren. When the kiddos are with you, you can use that time to be a role model, show them some normalcy so they can see what it looks like. You can help them so much even if they are not always with you.

xoxo

Thursday

[Glenna]

Hi Thursday,

Thank you for your reply and for the insight that she's probably not hearing what we are saying. I have noticed this lately with her, very much, when I say things to her, but I hadn't realized that this is what might be happening here.

Now that I've been paying attention, it is astonishing to see how she misinterprets what I say. Right in the moment, she hears something other than what I said! Conversations deteriorate rapidly when she hears every sentence I say as hostile and negative!

I do understand the lighthearted approach. I did it when visiting my mother when my dd was little. When we'd hear Grama having a fit at the other end of the house I'd call her 'Squawkadoodle' and we would laugh. Obviously I must modify this approach for my grandsons, but you are right that I can put it into a less serious perspective. I will be working on it. And yes, it's about acceptance!

Thank you again.

Glenna

[thefixermom]

I love what Thursday said.  A lighthearted acknowledgement that does not tear down your grandson's mother in front of him. Plus, you developing these skills will help him to do the same as he matures, and it will teach him healthy loving detachment so that he doesn't live an overly frustrated life. Hopefully, it will be a good role model for him to distinguish between healthy conversation and other types and this could mean that he will seek out the healthy types in his later years when he has choices for who he brings into his personal relationships.  I wish you many peaceful nights ahead!