How to leave...

[Montana]

Hello everyone. I am at a very difficult place in my relationship.  My uBPD husband is making my life horrible.  We have been together for 5 years.  He is a alcoholic and addict.  He quit drinking for 6 months, but started drinking and gambling a few months ago.  He lost his high paying job earlier this year, now he just quit his new job and is doing odd jobs here and there.  He use to be obsessed with me. He has moved his obsession to a new friend. A male, its not sexual.  This friend is the person giving him odd jobs.  He has 3 kids.  He use to pay 75% of all the bills, now he gives me 20 here and there. I have maxed out all of my credit cards. I am getting behind on all my stuff.  I try to explain to him the situation, but he doesnt care or see it.  I want to end the relationship, but Im scared of what he would do.  He has always said he would make me and my families lifes hell if I left him. I know I can't take his emotional abuse anymore.  It had gotten to the point our marriage counselor will not see us together.  Now my counselor for the past year has told me I need to leave him, or at least get him out of my house.  He says I need time to heal, so I can move past everything.  I know I need to get out. I just don't know how.  I feel so alone and confused.  my uBPD is very cunning, deceitful, manipulative, and mean.  He can make me feel so bad about wanting out. He has told me what a horrible person I am to try to get out when he has lost his good paying job. I keep hoping that he will change. I know he never will. I am so saddened that my life has turned out this way.  I feel so defeated and hurt by the past 5 years.  I kept holding on to what could be, and I love him and his kids. I just can't do it anymore. 

[Svarl1]

Hi Montana,

I feel sorry and angry to read about your situation.

It's sickening when one person behaves so irresponsibly and then coerces the other to keep putting up with it.

I believe you would be doing the right thing by leaving now. It's not your job to get into debt problems because of anybody else's drinking and gambling - even your husband's. I'm sure that wasn't in the marriage vows.

If I was you I would get legal advice. I know this may be costly,  but to me his threats to 'make you and your family's life hell' sound like blackmail of some kind. You will have a little more peace of mind if you already know what to do if that happens.  This could include knowing how best to gather evidence, how to apply for a restraining order, etc.

I know from experience how bad it is when your partner makes threats towards a third party - the aim is to place a huge burden of responsibility on your head. Just remember that his freely chosen actions can never be your fault.

Finally,  you are almost certainly right in thinking he will not change. I have come to believe that such people with an overactive sense of entitlement will never change until those around them show, by their actions, that they are willing and able to walk away.

Best of luck for your future of freedom.

[Samuel S.]

Montana, I second everything that Svarl1 has said. He is not going to change. In fact, his behavior and his words are those of a bully who cannot and will not change, no matter how much you love and care for him. In fact, while he might love you in some small way, he obviously is using you. He is manipulating you. He is using fear to have you stay. You mentioned also that he has kids. Have you ever talked to them about him, or are they afraid of him? If they are acting like him in any small way or in any big way, they are going to act that way for the rest of their lives, sad to say. By you asserting your right to be free of his toxicity, you are showing by your example to him as well as to his kids that you deserve respect and love. A bully will continue being a bully as long as it is permitted. The very best of luck to you in order to release yourself from his toxicity!