Hello,

First thread on this board put I posted in [L5] Staging and [L3] Leaving before. Our relationship has been a roller coaster in the past few weeks.

Basically my W told me last night that she has second thoughts about leaving. We had a sort of mediation session with our best friends last night about the separation thing, how we're going to handle the kids, living arrangements, etc. She said this all made it real, and made her realize what she was doing. She felt like crying, which is the first time she's had emotions about the separation (she says). She says it's one of her issue, the lack of emotions in her life. Is that typical of BPD? She's also depressed, so it could be anhedonia.

Anyhow, I'm here because I'm not sure how to react. She told me she was leaving one week ago. It was very serious this time around, we told all of our friends, family, etc. I took the past week to heal myself from that wound and work on myself.

This is at least the second time that she's flip flopped big time (on top of mentioning leaving on and off for the past several months). She told me very clearly she was leaving 2 weeks ago and then, 4 hours later, told me that a guy had made her change her mind and she was gonna try to stay. Then a week after that, changed her mind again: the real split (when we told our friends). And now, second thoughts again.

She told me that she's scared of the next steps. She doesn't want to hurt the kids. She says maybe she should go back on Effexor, things were better that way, she was actually happy (true, at some point at least). A little backstory, our relationship when downhill after she stopped her Effexor a few months ago. Granted, our relationship hadn't been great prior but the bottle "burst". All the emotions came out. Her psychologist is strongly against her going back on the meds. More details in my first thread.

So, the big question, how should I react to this? I have my kids best interest in mind (S3, D7) so staying is probably the best option for them. However, I'm not sure if I want to be involved with this woman anymore. I think I still love her but I don't know how much pain I can keep receiving. The hardest thing is her affairs. She has cheated on me more than once when we were trying to work on our relationship, before she told me it was over. In our own home too. I know this hasn't stopped and she sees other guys regularly. She doesn't work on Fridays so last Friday she got all dressed up to go meet other guy(s), it's very obvious. I'm not being paranoid, when I hint about that behavior she doesn't deny it.

This morning I stumbled upon her e-mails (we share computers) and I saw several e-mails from another guy. I didn't open them. This hurts.

So, any advice? To be honest I don't think there's much chance that we'll be able to work it out if we stay together. She has several issues to deal with on her own before we can be happy together and I do to. Unfortunately, her sessions with a psychologist don't seem very fruitful. She hasn't been given any diagnosis and the only feedback she's giving me is that the psychologist seems to "understand" her feelings and expresses them for her very well. However, she doesn't seem to have any therapeutic plan. At least none that she shared with my W. I told my W that I think she might be BPD and that there are therapies that are supposed to help but she thinks I'll never be satisfied with a P, my standards are too high.

Still, given my pessimism about this relationship, we have kids together so in my opinion, it's worth fighting for. I just don't want to fight a battle that I'm guaranteed to lose.

What we discussed as an option is for each of us to go live with a friend/parents for one or two days during the week. This wouldn't be as extreme as a full separation and we could tell the kids that mommy and daddy need some time alone. It think that it could be a reasonable compromise in the short term... .

Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who thinks so little of your relationship that she keeps telling you it's over, either because she's giving up on it or to manipulate you? Or who thinks so little of promises to you that she keeps cheating on you? Do you think so little of yourself that you want to keep riding the roller coaster of breakups, and to keep just putting up with her screwing other people for fun? Is that the example of a relationship you want to give your kids, do you want them to grow up thinking that cheating is A-OK and that a relationship involves telling everyone that you're breaking up but then not following through at the last moment?

I don't see why what you have is 'worth fighting for,' by your description of the situation.

So, yesterday night she confirmed to me that she can't just leave, she cares about the children too much and doesn't want to break our family. She's willing to suffer for them. I'm having mixed feelings. I'm glad that she's willing to stay but at the same time, I don't want her to feel like in a prison, I want her to be happy, and it's clear that she will only barely "tolerate" being with me. I don't see any intimacy happening anytime soon.

We will still go ahead with the trial separation two days a week. One week she'll spend two days with a friend while I stay with the kids, and I'll do the same the week after.

We'll see how it goes I guess... .As for myself, I'll try to improve on all the behaviors she criticized about me (controlling, dismissive of her opinion, not doing my share of household chores, especially cooking, etc). It feels like a huge burden and I'm not sure if I have the strength required to change as much as she wants me to change, but I'll try. Otherwise, I'll keep making her life miserable and her pain will be so great that she will prefer to hurt the kids by leaving than to keep being hurt in our relationship.

Alright, I need to vent. Am I codependent? Maybe. What I know is that it f****ing hurts to be so despised by someone! Yes, I need to be loved, is that a disease? Tonight I found lube in the bed downstairs where she cheated on me two weeks ago. I threw the lube at her and burst out of the house to go running, obviously upset. She tells me that it's not what I think and it was for her to relieve herself. I'm quite skeptical, why would she do it in the basement? I mean ira possible but the other scenario is much more likely. Arrrrggghhh!

A little update, she swears that it's not what I think and this was only when she slept downstairs by herself a few nights ago. Maybe... .She's been pretty honest in this whole nightmare at least, she has admitted to cheating before so I guess she would have admitted again, maybe... .

Wow, this whole flip flopping roller coaster is hard. Part of me thinks I should have a back bone and just leave her and if I didn't have kids, I would for sure. But I must try to be strong for the kids. I guess we can try to live together as parents, just not lovers. Would that be a good idea?

Hey TooRational, I think Notwendy's points are well taken.  To me, it seems like you are looking to someone else -- your spouse -- in order to feel good about yourself, which is a classic sign of codependency.  Look, I've done it, too.  In some says, you have to be a caretaker to be in a r/s with a pwBPD, so it's a pretty common trait among us Nons.  The point is to acknowledge and recognize this tendency, and then to take steps to stop doing it.  The goal is to get your self-esteem from within, not from looking to others.

LuckyJim

Your command of English is excellent. Perhaps it would help to consider the different nuances of the term dependent. One is the "I can't live without you" dependent. ":)ependent" is also used that way in science experiments. One variable is independent, the other dependent, because when the independent variable changes, the dependent variable does too. I think this is the kind of dependent that is considered in co-dependency.

Healthy relationships are interdependent, where two individuals can lean on each other, but they are not enmeshed.

You may want to look at translations of co-dependency books ( or those written in) your primary language because sometimes the nuances in words are better described in other languages.

The kids are a real concern and it is important to consider them.

When you both are in a state of not being sure what to do, if nobody is in immediate physical danger, then you can take the time to work on yourself, learn relationship skills while staying married. Your wife may go back and forth , changing her mind, but that doesn't mean you have to make a decision about your relationship right now, or each time she says something.

Co -dependency is a term that, like many terms, describes a range of personality traits on a spectrum. So, perhaps you feel it doesn't fit you entirely, but can you use this term for ideas that may help you?  When you read about it, do you think , well this part doesn't sound like me, but wow- this part does. If any of it resonates with you, then those may be aspects to look into. At the very least, there are issues in your marriage that are disturbing to you, such as cheating. This alone can be reason to seek personal therapy to help you decide how to deal with that, as it a hurtful thing to deal with.