Three perfect months and the chaos again

[SybilVane]

For more than three months we had been Ok. I avoided to feed any discussion, by changing. the subject, by waiting the best moment and giving some time.

Finally last night he put in his mind I was outside between 2 and 4 in the morning. I was at home, watching a movie and I slept during it. Point. And all the insults restarts: lier, f**king b___, poison, I am manipulating the situation, 'f**ck you, shut up" (impossible to talk).

I already told him many times that  if he doesnt trust me or want some information, he doesnt need to launch me thousands of stonea and then only after simply apologize, as it wasnt important. (he apologized after, but since I told him it wasnt enough e he should assume his responsability, he started to complain again telling I was making 'drama' and I was never satisfied.

He lives in other country and I was trying to organize myself to go live there. The problem is hat he has no patience, he treats me as he coudnt believe me. But tell me  my friends, how many of you could leave your country, leave a good job, move to other continent without job, and siconsidering he has no job also at the moment? Why its so difficult to understand we cant take such big step without planning? And worse, HOW HE CAN UNDERSTAND THAT HIS 'REACTIONS' (as he calls it) made me sad and hurts me everytime, and make me think that the price to move can be too high?

They never assume his responsabilities.

I mailed him trying to explain this step step, since he only screamed and I almost could not talk. Ofc after this he blocked me everywhere. Typical.

I feel sad, frustrated, I want everyday to be there with him and he knows it! How make him realize that if he keeps treating me like sh*t, its impossible to get enough motivation to leave my country, friends, a good work, if I know things wont be so easy for me in his country? Why leave my country if I am afraid of being insulted for nothing? Its not possible he thinks it can be normal and acceptable.

I really start to think the price is too high. We have kept this long-distance relationship for two years, lways travelling to see each other. Its the time to organize it and move, or time to end. If he doenst convince me he can at least try to control his bizarre and agressive impulses. I dont have anything else to do in order to save this relationship. I can't accept to be humiliated again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sybil, Agree, no matter how good things are, the rage-storm always returns, which is one reason why a BPD r/s is so discouraging.  Hard part is you never know what will cause an explosion, so it's always a moving target.  It's an incredibly stressful way to live.  I should know, having been married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  As you suggest, the price was too high.  Think you are wise to consider whether it's time to get off the roller coaster.

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

If he can rage and exhibit bullying behaviors when you are thousand miles apart, I hate to imagine what can be if you are in the same house as he is. COuld that behaviors be 10X more ?

If he cannot understand the stress of moving to a new country , leaving a good paying job for no job, then I wonder if he really is foremost YOUR FRIEND in the time of needs?

Just visualize yourself in 1 year with him yelling, calling you name, and you cannot escape, and then 5 , 10 years like that. Could you live with that kind of stress ?

How can you think he LOVES you with such a terrible and nasty behaviors ?

Why do you want to be with someone who calls you "f b*tch, poison, f you, shut up ... ."

Personally, I am afraid for your safety if you are in the same room with him ... .

[Kwamina]

Hi SybilVane

I remember your story quite well and am very sorry that you once again find yourself in such an unpleasant situation with him.

How are you feeling today? How is he behaving?

No matter how you decide to move forward, to protect yourself, I suggest you take a look at our article about boundaries. Setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries is very important to protect and preserve your own well-being:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

You can read more here: Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

To help assert yourself I also suggest you take a look about article about the so-called D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique:

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

Here's the link to the article: Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

Take care