Sad reminder

[A maze]

Sad reminder... .

Things weren't going so bad... .  our DD 16 wasn't home much, preferring to spend time at her new boyfriend's house after school and working part time on the weekends.  When she was home, there want anything too intense (which you all know would probably be intense for others but our baseline level of intensity is, I believe,  higher than in families not dealing with BPD, so not too intense).

Needless to say, our Nbp children, my husband and myself were enjoying the "calm".  (You know the feeling when things are just good, "normal", and everyone knows exactly why things are that way but we just don't name it).

This being said, seeing as history tends to repeat itself, we've come to know that these moments are unfortunately often a prelude to moments of much higher intensity.

So:

Our DD fell while longboarding last Monday.   She came home, said her wrist hurt.  It was a little swollen but no discoloration or any obvious sign of a fracture.   We suggested she put ice on it and asked if she wanted us to take her to the emergency room.  She didn't.  For the next few days we would check up on her wrist. She started wearing a bandage on it but still never wanted to ice it or go to the hospital.  She did say she would probably go on the Thursday cause her boyfriend wasn't there on Thursday so she wouldn't miss out on seeing him.  We reminded her gently that her health should be a priority and that if it hurt enough to go to the emergency room we should not wait for the most convenient moment but we should simply go. She said she wanted to go on the Thursday only.  So we took her on the Thursday and asked her to call us once she had seen the doctor so we can pick her up.   (I would have stayed with her, as I would have with any of my children, but she always says she is responsible for her own health and that we shouldn't mind her business and she wants to be independent).  So, we try to get her to actually develop her autonomy when it is possible.  (Plus, we honestly didn't even think hey wrist had anything else than maybe a sprain).

So she calls us street song the doctor, says she has a concussion and a fractured wrist.   I feel surprised but think to myself that there must be something to this.   I ask her if she has a doctor's note for school and work. She confirms.

I pick her up, her arm is wrapped in a brace.  She is all smiles.  I ask how it went,  she says that they couldn't see a fracture on her wrist or her head on the x-rays but they will have a radiologist look at them the next day and call us if there is a fracture.   If there is no call home, she is to take the brace off.  As for the concussion, they don't want to take any chances on account of what she has told them about her fall.  So one week, no gym class, no work, doctor's orders. I did feel kind of bad at this point, thinking that as a mom, maybe I should have been more concerned... .

I let her know she should call work ASAP to let them know she will not be in for her Saturday morning shift.  That way they could reschedule someone right away.  She says she'll call them in the morning.

Friday comes and goes, no call from the hospital, no fracture... .  she takes the brace off.

Saturday morning, 6:30 am we are woken up by the phone (my heart pounds as I'm thinking that if someone calls at this time something may have happened to a loved one).  It's my DD's supervisor from work (sounds like a young lady with a little bit of attitude and a side of a power trip).  She tells me that my daughter was to bring in her doctor's note last night and didn't do so.  I ask if my daughter has let her know about her injury.  She confirms and insists that they need the doctor's note.  I confirm that my daughter will bring the note and ask why it is needed right away (they will not be paying her, it isn't a work related injury, she is just absent.  I understand a doctor's note may be required to make sure she is not making up a situation as to have the weekend off, but in that case she would need to bring the note in at the beginning of her following shift... .I would think).  No sonner than then, the young lady hangs up on me.

I am surprised... .  go back up to my bedroom where my husband lies awake.  I ask him if he heard the conversation and if he feels I was in any way rude while speaking with the young lady.  He says no, says I was calm and polite.  As we are speaking about the situation, excusing the young lady's behavior on account of maybe her age or lack of experience, the phone rings again.  I pick it up from our bedroom.  A woman identifies herself as being the owner of the business (which BTW is a franchise of a very well known North American coffee and donut shop).  She proceeds to say that the note is necessary because my daughter has been making up excuses for not taking some shifts.   I try to politely intervene to explain that I am not questioning validity of requiring  a note but merely asking about the necessity to do so at 630 am on a Saturday morning, even after the employee has confirmed having a note and had said she would bring it in.  I am unable to say a word.   The woman is just going on and will not allow me to say anything.

And then, it happens, she tells me this:  "You know, your daughter tells everyone here that your husband beats her. "  And then she hangs up!  Leaving me speechless on the other end of the phone.

Now, this isn't the first time our DD makes up rubbish about our family.  Actually almost two years ago she had invented so many lies, portraying us as violent parents, that a school resource called the authorities and we had to go through a full blown investigation by child protective services.  We were cleared and CPS were actually the first ones to suggest that we should maybe look into our daughter's mental health.

So we don't feel threatened by her lies as we did the first few times she used such a strategy (yes unfortunately there has been many situations where we found out that she was saying we mistreated her).  But every time it still hurts... .and every time we are reminded of our daughter's challenges and the impact it can have on us all.

We don't feel the need to justify ourselves to her boss,  it wouldn't change anything anyways, but I have to say that sometimes I wish people would know how it feels, for just one minute, to have your integrity and your morals stepped on while you just stand there and can't do anything to protect yourself.

Oh, and for those of you who are curious, our DD saus she never said that.  Says her boss is a b#!*h and made that up.

Thanks for reading!  It just feels good to let it out!

A maze

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

 

[mggt]

Dear .,  We have been in the same situation with our d many times , one time her phys called on us wow we were cleared but it hurts down to the core when they tell lies about us .  We are truly the only people that would walk through fire to help our children and to be accused of something so hurtful , I have to be honest and say it still hurts and there are many times I feel such resentment towards our d and I dont know what to do with all these feelings just too much sometimes , your not alone .   

[A maze]

Thank you Mggt!

Although it saddens me to know that you have gone through this type of aggression as well,  it does bring comfort to know we are not alone.   

I have to say that I totally agree with you about the resentment we come to feel. To forgive someone who asks for forgiveness is one thing, too forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness is another, but to forgive someone who repeatedly does you wrong?   Doesn't this become unhealthy at a certain point?

I have never been abused before (and I definitely do not want to minimize abuse in any way with this comparison) but I did tell my husband I was beginning to feel like this cycle of hurt we've been going through is starting to resemble that of a battered spouse forgiving after every aggression.

When is enough enough?

[A maze]

Thanks for the hug ibjlntx! 

Right back at you  !

A maze

[js friend]

Thank you Mggt!



I have to say that I totally agree with you about the resentment we come to feel. To forgive someone who asks for forgiveness is one thing, too forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness is another, but to forgive someone who repeatedly does you wrong?   Doesn't this become unhealthy at a certain point?

I have never been abused before (and I definitely do not want to minimize abuse in any way with this comparison) but I did tell my husband I was beginning to feel like this cycle of hurt we've been going through is starting to resemble that of a battered spouse forgiving after every aggression.

When is enough enough?

In my experience finally reaching a point of Radical Acceptance with my dd was when I was finally able to forgive her for all she had said and done to me in the past and all she will say and do to me in the future. It doesnt mean that I condone her behaviour or that I will not have boundaries to protect myself though. I wont take the abuse from her but I cannot stop her from saying things to others that are not true either. I have accepted that she has a  mental illness and her views of myself, of others and the world in general is skewed and I have accepted that. I dont live with the dread of what she will do next or what she might be out there telling others because I and others close to me all know the truth and I that is all the matters to me. I have been falsely accused in the past of abuse  by dd and that was a scary position to be in at the time and I will never forget it but I also understand that it seems to be the nature of this disease that pwBPD do this and so I have forgiven her.

I like to think that by being able to forgive Iam letting go of pain and I still has the space in my heart to hopefully someday have a  better r/s with my dd.

As my tagline says "forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future"

[livednlearned]

A maze,

I'm so glad you and your H have a supportive relationship -- it must help so much to have this with each other, especially given the challenges of raising and loving a BPD child.

When is enough enough?

What a good question.

For me, I knew when I reached my limit, although there was a very long period of heartache leading up to it, and a good amount of backsliding during the testing period when I struggled to understand if I had finally hit "enough." Ultimately, it has to do with our values, and boundaries, and details that are personal to our situations and selves. What I didn't understand is that the (seemingly) simple act of identifying my values and building my boundaries would be so painful. Even when we decide enough is enough, it doesn't make the pain go away, it just changes it to a different kind of pain. Radical acceptance sounds like such a peaceful state of mind, tho the journey to get there can be anything but.

How is your D doing? Is she going to continue working at the restaurant chain?

[mggt]

Dear Maze, Your exactly right how do we keep forgiving when we never get a repreve from the constant abuse.  I also told my husband I feel like a abused mom vs abused wife.  (please forgive not my intention to make light of abused people in anyway)  Take care and we wish you well and hope we all have the patients to endure this terrible disesae 

[lbjnltx]

the day I recognized myself as an abused parent (person) was the day I became empowered to turn it around.

There is no excuse for abuse. I don't do "victim".  I became angry and used that energy to set some hard boundaries that I would defend, I educated myself on the disorder and the disordered thinking that my daughter engaged in and I quit personalizing her actions/words/beliefs about me. 

Feeling empowered vs being a victim leads to positive change for us.

[A maze]

Wow!   Thank you everyone!   Such wisdom in your thoughts and replies.  I appreciate it.

My husband and I (BTW, I totally agree about being blessed with a wonderful husband.  We are a team of support for each other and our little clan : ) we've set clear boundaries.  

It took my daughter being physically aggressive towards me, blocking my way as I was trying to leave the house calmly because I felt unsafe around her, and then her threatening me by saying "touch me... .  you're going to hurt me if you do" during one of her borderlion moments (triggered by the loss of her cell phone) to make me realize clear limit setting was absolutely necessary, but we have thankfully set thé most important ones (work in progress).

This being said, I know I am no way near radical acceptance.  I sure hope to make it there some day.

Also,  I really don't want to see myself as a victim or try to portray myself as being one.   I keep reminding myself that the illness makes her like that and I can back that thought up with all the knowledge I've learned over the pay few years, but, we are collateral damage.  Just like her younger siblings are when she uses them to get what she wants and,  as younger siblings who want to please their big sister, they keep trying and keep being disappointed or keep feeling manipulated.  I know they'll set their own limits through experience and we discuss openly the choices and options they have when situations come along but... .it is what it is.

I can see myself feeling that radical acceptance once the impact of the illness isn't felt on a daily basis.  I guess it's a journey... .

My dd says she plans on going back to work on Saturday but seeing as she is not big on addressing any emotionally charged situation, I don't know how that will turn out.

She is, like usual,  acting like nothing happened.  On the Sunday, she texted me to ask if her boyfriend could have supper with us.    This is what I texted her:

"You know ":)D", one side of me would love to say yes, because honestly, I would really like to get to know ***** some more and I always thought my family home would always be open to anyone who wanted to spend time with us.   This being said, the portrait you are depicting  of our family, to anyone who seems willing to listen, is very hurtful to us.  We don't feel threatened by your lies because we know what kind of parents we are and we've learned to live with the idea that people might think otherwise on account of what you've told them.  This being said,  I do believe that when we are reminded of this,  through situations such as the one we've gone through yesterday morning, we are allowed to be hurt,  to take the time to recognize the hurt that we have and to heel.  Probably much more quickly than the first few times, but nonetheless,  I think some time to heel is necessary. Therefore, it doesn't mean we don't like *****.  It doesn't mean we don't love you.  It doesn't mean ***** is not welcome in our home or we never want to have him here for supper again.  It just means daddy and I really need to heel and tonight we need to not have a guest over.  I don't expect you to, but maybe you can understand."

She responded with:

"Bah... .can I eat at his house then, cause if not, that really sucks. "



I love your quote JS friend, "forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future".  I agree.  The thing is that  rationally, I forgive her.  I can rationally understand the illness, her unhealthy strategies, how she functions... .  I've read everything I could on BPD and I've integrated so many tools for myself and our family, I get it!  Emotionally though, although I would love to forgive her, and at times I really do feel that I have,  I don't know how to fully forgive.  I swear, if there was a magic pill to forgive I would take it in a heartbeat... .

Thank you soo much!  Your input is very enlightening.   I will definitely try to make radical acceptance my next goal!   Wish they had a "Radical acceptance for dummies" manual ; )

Thanks again!

A maze

[madmom]

A maze, you are amazing to me!  You and I have much in common, my husband is wonderful and we support each other through this roller coaster ride through hell that is BPD.  Like you my daughter has for years told lies about us, about just about anything, and that is something I resent the most about dealing with this awful disease.  I don't know if it will help you, but  this did it for me. I was so angry, and upset etc. about the lies and I just couldn't get over being mad and angry and a bunch of other emotions and I couldn't forgive and it was eating me alive.  One day it came to me that while I wouldn't hide or participate in my daughter's lies, I would try to forgive.  I am a Christian (although not a big, preachy type) and it occurred to me, that some time I will be standing at the pearly gates and I am very hopeful that the Lord will forgive me for all the wrongs I have and will continue to do in my life and that if I was to do what Jesus would do, I must forgive.  That doesn't mean I don't set boundaries, and make sure my husband and I are protected  the best we can be from the bad things she does. It still really hurts every time it happens, but I now know that it is about her, not us. Those that really know us, know what we are like and they know of my daughter's condition and that is who/what I care about.  Stay strong A maze, you are not alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders