update on my DD

[jellibeans]

I have not posted in a while. Things have been pretty rough for my dd and for our family. I feel like we are losing a battle and though I don't want to give up I am at a point where I need to save myself.

My dd has been to rehab three times this year. Has been to three sober homes and has relapsed each time. Her last rehab was in August where she was suicidal and finally they refused to take her back after she ran from the facility and went to the nearest building and threatened to jump off. They were able to pull her off the ledge and she was transported to the hospital. At that point we were left with few options but to bring her home after she was stable.

When she first came home she was pretty weak and just exhausted from the months of being out of our home. Before agreeing to go to rehab we rescued her from a hotel after we found out she was in danger. I called to check on her and she told me she had been raped the night before. She was with some older people from her IOP and they were injecting her with drugs. I do believe she would be dead right now if I had not called her so going into her rehab she was already feeling very depressed. At the new rehab they changed her meds and added ones she had already been on and I also feel that added to her destablization.

So here we are... .she is home but it is not easy at all. She still rages and can be very agressive with us. She is lying and not going to any recovery meetings. She doesn't have a sponsor. She is seeing a therapist which is good. I do believe she is sober and is not doing drugs but I do think she is in need of more help. Seeing a T once a week is not enough. She turn 18 in July and now it is pretty hard to get her to agree to rehab or any kind of RTC.

I am not sure why I am writing but this site has always been so supportive to me. We have our boundaries in place but it really hasn't help but make her angry and hostile towards us. She feels very entitled and we should just give her a phone, money and car but right now she is getting very little from us and she is unhappy about that. Today she has gone on a job interview and I let her take the car for that but that is the only way she gets to drive. We give her no money and she has a cheap trac phone she can use for job search.

UPDATE: She just called to tell me she got the job. It is a care givers job. She is helping a disabled lady that is in a wheelchair. She seemed very happy about the job so maybe this will be a start to something good. She just seems so lost and has no plans for her future. This is only a part time job so she will not have enough money to get her own apartment but maybe it will give her some confidence to try to do more things in her life. I know she is still young and there is time... .I just don't know if I will be able to make it through to the other side to see her independently living her life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry to hear this jellybeans.  I was hoping for a good report on your d as I know you were.

You are stronger than you think and your d needs you to be that source of stability, strength, and courage to keep going forward.

[js friend]

Hi Jellybeans,

Im sorry that things are a bit rough for you at the moment.

I remember also only being able to envision a bleak the future ahead too when my dd lived at home and everyday was total chaos, but things can and often do get better over time.

When things were truly at their worst  my goal at the time was to just get through one day at a time. I made it about getting through just one day at first because dd's behaviour was so unpredictable that often my plans would have to change accordingly.Dont let this illness suck the life out of you. Doing something that you enjoy and having something to look forward to can make all the difference. It may be something small like going to visit a museum, treating yourself, or arranging to do something with friends doesnt matter what it is but make it about you. Having something upcoming to focus on gave me something to look forward to when everything else around me seemed to be falling apart.

I hope your dd will stick with this job. Routine is good for our dd's/ds's and it will hopefully give your dd a sense of direction and purpose. It should also improve her confidence as you say. I commend your dd for even looking for a job like this as my own dd feels too entitled and would never go for a job that involved directly physically looking after others. I think this is a great start for your dd. With some experience under her belt she will be able to move on and  out of your home eventually. If she sticks with this career she could even become a live- in carer which would take care of her living arrangements.    

[jellibeans]

Yes Lbj... .I am trying to stay strong but this year has been extra hard. I have not put in all the details but we have been in crisis for many months and since turning 18 things have not gotten better. I have returned here in hopes of refreshening my communication skills and for some support. Thank you for always being there for me.

J's friend... .thank you for the reminder. I do try and get out as much as possible but recently I have just been under too much stress. Tonight I will get tother with a few friends for wine Wednesday. Kind of a club of ours and a way we can support each other. It really easier said than done. In August I went to see my mother who lives in Canada. I have not been able to travel due to my dd but since she was in rehab I thought things would be good. Unfortunately by the time I arrived in Canada she was already being transported to the hospital because of her suicidal ideations. I shorten my trip by a couple of days and returned home the same day she was released from hopsital. It makes you not want to make plans because of how unpredicable she can be. Today is my mother's 85 bday and I would have loved to be there with her but that would have been impossible.

Thursday we are sitting down with my dd new therapist to talk and try to get a plan going forward. I am looking for some guidance from her but she keeps encourgaing me to trust her again but when we do give her some freedom she abuses it. We let her take the car on Sunday to go to an AA meeting. We have a tracking devise in it so we were able to tell she only drove there and didn't go inside because the motor was still running. Of course she lied when she got home and I suppose that was the start to the trouble we have seen this week. It seems when she is caught in a lie or doing something wrong she usually makes it worse for herself and everyone one around her.

I do hope this job brings some structure to her life and some confidence. I really think she could do well with a one on one kind of job. She had talked about being anurse at one point or an EMS person but I am not sure how her drug addiction would impact that career plan. I think more importantly she will be helping someone instead of being the one that needs help. This will have a huge impact on her I hope.

I am going to try and take stock and make some goal for myself and try to focus less on her right now.

[lbjnltx]

We are all here for you Jellibeans. 

[raytamtay3]

I'm sorry to hear this jellibeans.  But know that we are here for you just as much as how you've been there for a lot of us as well.  Hang in there.   

[jellibeans]

Thank you... .I have missed my time here on this site and had forgotten how good it feels to get support from people who have been through the same experiences. That is priceless.

[mggt]

Hi Jelli,  thank you for your update hopefully this job will give your d some confidence and keep busy , with our d down time for her is disasterous .  Hang in there   

[tristesse]

Hi Jellibeans,

I want to show you the utmost support, you have been here for me so many times, and I want to be here for you as well.

I am really really sorry that the struggle with your DD is so front and center in your life right now, I understand your devastation, and your fear for her future.

I think maybe having the job where she is helping someone, being the caregiver, might be just the ticket. This type of job lets her feel needed and important, it shows her the value of her existence, and we all know that a BPD struggles with self worth. It may also help her to form a special bond and connection to someone outside the family unit, a safe connection too.

When my DD was younger, she worked a fulltime job, and took the responsibility of the job very seriously, she never called in sick and she never went in late, etc. Having her own money and her own car, etc. It was good for her. Unfortunately her agoraphobia has taken control of her life and she barely ever leaves the house now, but the point I was making, is, perhaps this will be the best therapy.

Hang in there and please keep us updated.

[jellibeans]

thank you old friends... .you really are so kind.

things are better with dd... .she has gone to see the lady she will be working for and fill out some paperwork. I feel this job will give her structure and a boost to her self esteem. I can see her anxeity at times but I am proud she is trying. I do think fear lies behind a lot of her issues along with shame. She really can be very sweet and kind.

She always enjoyed working with the special need kids at school. I can remember getting an email from her teacher one time. She emailed to tell me how she got a call from a parent who was at the football game with her special needs son. My dd had gone out of her way to go over to talk with him and visit for a while. The parent was so happy and impressed with her she call the teacher so I do think this field of work is something she could really shine at.

We met with dd T yesterday too so I feel she has a better understanding. I hope she can help my dd. The PTSD is pretty bad at times and I know it will take time before she can work on her recent trauma but I am glad she is going at least.

I will keep you all posted... .thanks again... .I am feeling better now.

[jellibeans]

Update: my dd went to work but called me once she got there saying she wasn't feeling well and she didn't want to work tonight. She told me that she was going to email the woman and tell her that her car broke down. She is a caregiver for a woman in a wheelchair and she goes to help make dinner and put her to bed. I gave her my advice which was to go to work and tell her she was not feeling well but she finally just said she was going to leave. I am pretty disappointed but I told her she should look for a different job if this one was too hard. She is on her way home now and I really don't know what to say. Help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi Jellibeans,

Do you think there is an underlying reason why your daughter didn't want to go and assist the lady she was put in charge of? What sort of internal dialog do you imagine might be going on in your DD's head?

I ask because, having dealt with my BPDSD when she was first beginning to work outside our home, it was a matter of finding the job that was the right fit for her. Her first job, food service (hostess) was a good fit. It had hours she could cope with and she did well and was thusly praised, which is a very important part of her functioning.

Her next few jobs didn't work out because they included hours that she could not adjust to... .she does so much better if there are no expectations for waking up with an alarm in order to get to work on time. A job with hours where she is already awake when she needs to get to work is a better fit for her. She has never really adjusted to a job- more that the job fits HER from the beginning.

Not having a personality disorder it is easy for us to "see" that our loved one with a disorder is simply not being flexible enough but our seeing the truth from our perspective seldom changes their reality. It is one of the adjustments in my thinking about her that has helped me to understand her more and well... .love her more.

SD is 24 now, she started working at 16. To this day, if there is something she wants to do and it has a starting time in the morning, she will stay up all night in order not to miss out on it. This certainly isn't the way I would cope with my life but for her this works. Sure, this is a strange way to accomplish what she wants but it IS HER LIFE and it is no skin off my back at any rate.

You are correct about the benefits of a job for your DD... .she is at the perfect age for the beginning of this as a regular part of her life and there are so many other levels of things this can help her with. Hope she will soon look for a position that is a better fit if that is what is going on with her.

My SD's bosses just love her (they don't have enough interpersonal interaction with her to see the negatives of her personality, she is a total "suck-up" which most bosses love, she is never late, never calls in sick) and they give her so much praise which keeps her going in very real ways. Her having a job and keeping it has been a HUGE part of the gains she has made in her life in the last several years.

I hope for the best for you! Try to stay positive and keep encouraging her!

Thursday

[jellibeans]

Thursday

That is a good question. I do believe she wasn't feeling well. The weather is very stormy here and the change pressure causes migraines in my family. She is also sore from lifting the lady who is very heavy. I don't think this is a job she can manage. It is too much but every job seems to be too much. She came home and went straight to bed. She came to talk with me later and was complaining of feeling sore. I asked if I could help her in anyway but she turned me down. I did suggest a hot shower and she did that. I didn't ask what the lady said in reply and I tried to remain neutral and not show my disappointment.

Since she has been working things have been better here and her mood was consistant. I hope this was just a one time thing but I have a feeling this woman will not put up with someone who is responsible enough to show up.

I am going to go out of town to see my older d swim and get some space from the situation. I will let her figure it out. She has not been able to maintain a job and I am not sure there is a prefect job out there. She has some bad habits from her school days and I see the same issue when it comes to work. Hopefully one day she will learn. Thanks for the feedback.

[Kate4queen]

My 24 yr old BPD son is apparently doing a lot of work with underprivileged kids in the area where he lives. He also helps run an after school club and helps Seniors learn how to use computers.

(Which makes us look like even more terrible people-but I'm okay with that. )

I think it is very important to him to have people who look up to him and see him as a role model and a good person. His motives for helping might not be quite what people think, but as with your DD all you can hope is that it helps develop more empathy, patience and understanding of others and all those things are good things for our PWBPD's.