Teenager unofficially diagnosed with BPD

[Mary Lee]

This is my first post.  Our daughter turned 16 yesterday.  She is adopted and we have had her since birth.  We knew from the beginning that something was a little different about her.  However, she was such a bright and winsome child that no doctors or educators ever saw any major red flags.  She experience a trauma at school in the 5th grade that started us down a long and painful road of mistakes and discoveries.  It all hit the fan the summer before her 7th grade year.  By February of 7th grade we knew she was a cutter and got her into counseling.  Only weeks later she was hospitalized the first time for suicidal ideations.  The last 2-1/2 years have included a total of 2 hospitalizations, med management for depression, anxiety and mood swings, weekly counseling, 3 encounters with the police, 2 run aways, sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, sexually acting out, porn addiction, and a recent (last 6 months) diagnosis of BPD.

I've been doing a lot of reading - many of the books people have listed on this message board.  My husband and I also attend weekly counseling (same counselor as our daughter).  Our house has become a virtual prison as we have to keep her in almost perpetual lock down.  We have had to postpone drivers Ed when all of her friends are getting their licenses.  We have to monitor all of her social activities and don't allow her to go to her friends' houses unless we know the parents and one or both are going to be home.  My husband and I feel like we're in prison as well. 

Periodically, our daughter gets disgruntled with her counselor and begs us to let her change.  We know that one of the hallmarks of BPDs is counselor hopping, so we've stood strong up to this point and have forced her to stay the course.  Now she is telling us that her counselor is demeaning, that she talks badly of my husband and me to her, and is not helping her to get better.  The counselor has not used the term BPD with her, but uses the term emotional disregulation.  is she spinning us so that she does not have to do the hard work of recovery (this has been our assumption)?  We are even getting bad vibes from the administrators at her new school that our counselor may not be the best fit.  I did get them to admit that they are basing their opinion on what our daughter has told them.  Do we need to be wasting our time trying to further vet our counselor so that we offer our daughter proof that she is the best choice for our family, or do we just ignore our daughter's concerns and continue to stay the course?  Of course she's making us feel (mostly me) like horrible parents for not taking her feelings into consideration, and forcing her to stay with a counselor who she doesn't trust.

Anybody else have experience with this scenario?  Input is welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Have you talked to the counselor about it?

[lbjnltx]

Even the best qualified counselor is not the best fit for each patient, making a connection, building trust, and honest interaction is needed to help the healing process and accept help.

Talking to the counselor about how he/she fits with your daughter may give you better insight.

For teen girls group therapy is highly affective, is this an option for your daughter?

[js friend]

Hi Mary Lee,

Baring in mind that pwBPD will often split people into good or bad, I do think that it was worth talking to your dds counsellor about what your dd has been saying will help to clarify things.

My dd would often say that the family T had said that I  should be allowing her  to do this or that which when I asked the T turned out to be not what she had said to dd at all. 

[marla]

Mary Lee,

I read your post and it sounded so much like our daughter (15, almost 16).  She is my bio with my ex-husband who I am fairly certain also has BPD/alcoholism. 

I don't know what to say except that I feel your pain and heartbreak and you are not alone. The irony in that statement is that I feel so alone right now. 

I hope we all find some relief.

Marla