My uBPDh was always controlled in public settings, even in front of our children

[Greeceheidired]

I say always because in 15 years there were less than a handful of incidences in public.  I adore my father and when he came to visit my h was the most engaging with him than any one else I have ever seen.  Talking and saying things like she is so beautiful referring to me. Since we have been separated my father mentioned that he seemed to want to impress him and was clued in to my fathers reactions to him and what he was saying.

My undpdh many times said over the years "I am just responding/reacting to you".  When I asked him why he said such hurtful things.  Also the ball was always throw in my court to make things right, without his involvement, meaning let it go.  When he filed for divorce I "forced" him.  I told him to get out. Interesting how he can follow instructions like that but not with my request for self reflection, acknowledging mistakes, taking responsibility.  I guess the CAPABILITY  factor for that is limited. I think Most times he didn't  how offensive he was, which confuses me  with regard to control in public setting - even in front of our children for the most part.  So, when I would try to communicate about inappropriate comments, he ended up telling me and others that HE was the one walking on eggshells, when all I expected was respectful, decent communication. 

[once removed]

hey greeceheidired  

i can relate to this. i felt like my ex was a different person in front of... .virtually everyone, either related to her, me, or strangers. there were times that i pointed out to her that she treated me in ways that she wouldnt with others.

people with BPD have an unstable sense of self. "mirroring" is a very common behavior, as your father picked up on, and they are often hyper vigilant about the reactions of others and what they are saying. impressions matter. there may be fear of feeling exposed.

intimacy is a trigger for the disorder. in other words, the closer you get, the more volatile things can get... and the more you might see or experience that others might not.

hope this helps

[Turkish]

I often remember feeling dread when I knew that when we got behind closed doors, something would happen. Sometimes it was crying and retreat, and sometimes it was lashing out at me. FWIW- I was on the receiving end of many similar statements. One classic was, "you know what pisses me off, so just don't do it!" 

According to the model of DV/DA, it's a myth that abusers can't control themselves, even if they say so, and blame their targets for their rage.

This was published on one public service site:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."

FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

     

MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.

FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.

[Greeceheidired]

Hmm, I'm a bit confused.  I really want to know my h's state of mind.  Although it seems hard for others not in our situation to understand,  if my h is scared, desperate because of fear of losing what he loves, and consequently unbalanced I am more willing to try.  If my husband is deliberately trying to hurt me because he just doesn't care as much or doesn't want to be bothered i need to get out for my own mental health. Honestly I am disgusted with the mental health community.  I have been to 5 therapists who won't give me an opinion, (not a diagnosis) , just and opinion about what my husband suffers with.  I have seen one of the psychiatrist for years and she knows me well.  Although my h fits many of the criteria, he does not fit with a major one - fear of being alone.  If fact, he seems much better off now, being alone in an apartment for 9 months than he did with his family.  I am the one suffering more.  If BPD are in so much pain why doesn't it seem that way.  Yes, I think he may be detached but, not in pain.  Will it catch up to him one day - I think it will but it will be too late for us and our family.  I want to tell his family but that is what got me into this situation.  I told his sister that he was binge drinking and I was scared, he wouldn't listen to me, it was in front of our girls a couple times.  Sister then told the rest of the family and I think he felt so betrayed, on top of shame he filed for divorce. His father told me that he advised his son to separate formally when I had asked for a short separation to diffuse and reflect. Are borderlines typically so reliant on their family when making decisions?  His father is emotionally unavailable and I think he was always trying to gain his approval.  We are talking about a 54 year old man though. Also different is I'm pretty confident he was never unfaithful, although he may adopt unavailable love objects, like my sister to fantasize about.  Have you ever heard of this ?

[once removed]

if my h is scared, desperate because of fear of losing what he loves, and consequently unbalanced I am more willing to try.  If my husband is deliberately trying to hurt me because he just doesn't care as much or doesn't want to be bothered i need to get out for my own mental health.

greeceheidired, i dont think it is that simple, either or. BPD is a serious mental illness. its impossible for me to know his state of mind, but it may rapidly change. people with BPD lash out for any number of reasons.

"If BPD are in so much pain why doesn't it seem that way."

every person with BPD is different, and its difficult to know someone elses suffering or how they cope. for example, i have some medical problems, and im often in some form of pain, but youd never know it, and even those very close to me are aware, but dont really know or get it.

"Are borderlines typically so reliant on their family when making decisions?"

people with BPD often have enmeshment issues with family, yes.

have you checked out the links directly to the right on choosing a path? its a difficult situation with many considerations and a lot to sort out. organizing your thoughts and feelings, hopes and desires, and gaining a realistic, balanced assessment of the relationship and its potential will aid you a great deal.