Totally lost on what to do and feeling alone

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD- it's been depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. but I know him well and I've seen almost all of the traits in him (that he doesn't tell his doctor about).

About 3 months ago we had a fight, like we were having almost every week. He said he was going to leave (like he did almost every time) and instead of saying "no! Don't!" Like I usually do... .I said "fine! Get out!"... .This was after he had said a lot of hurtful things that I knew he didn't mean... .But in his head now, that's the day I "kicked him out." When I calmed down, I apologized, he stayed at a friend's house for 2 weeks, then came home for a week, but then on a Friday I asked him when he would be home and he said "not sure" and I said "should I make other plans?" And then he decided not to come home at all. It's been over two months that his stuff is at my house, but half the time he refuses to talk to me unless I go see him where he is... .When I do, he hugs me and tells me he loves me and doesn't want to break up and I believe him. Then for a few days after that he will respond to me, or even call me himself, but then he starts ignoring me again.

My friends all think I'm crazy for putting up with it. I've stopped telling them anything, so I just feel very alone. I really do love him so much, and I am trying to be understanding and compassionate... .But I don't know if it makes sense anymore?

I have been reading Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder and getting lots of insight. I have a lot of regrets about the way I acted in the past... .Not entirely realizing how I was hurting my boyfriend.

[IndustriousGirl]

My boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD- it's been depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. but I know him well and I've seen almost all of the traits in him (that he doesn't tell his doctor about).

About 3 months ago we had a fight, like we were having almost every week. He said he was going to leave (like he did almost every time) and instead of saying "no! Don't!" Like I usually do... .I said "fine! Get out!"... .This was after he had said a lot of hurtful things that I knew he didn't mean... .But in his head now, that's the day I "kicked him out." When I calmed down, I apologized, he stayed at a friend's house for 2 weeks, then came home for a week, but then on a Friday I asked him when he would be home and he said "not sure" and I said "should I make other plans?" And then he decided not to come home at all. It's been over two months that his stuff is at my house, but half the time he refuses to talk to me unless I go see him where he is... .When I do, he hugs me and tells me he loves me and doesn't want to break up and I believe him. Then for a few days after that he will respond to me, or even call me himself, but then he starts ignoring me again.

My friends all think I'm crazy for putting up with it. I've stopped telling them anything, so I just feel very alone. I really do love him so much, and I am trying to be understanding and compassionate... .But I don't know if it makes sense anymore?

I have been reading Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder and getting lots of insight. I have a lot of regrets about the way I acted in the past... .Not entirely realizing how I was hurting my boyfriend.

[ArleighBurke]

It is difficult living with someone with BPD. I can hear your pain.

It's good that you are reading. Perhaps you can see that his actions are motivated by an expectation of loss, a way of him dealing with his own pain and immense emotion. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you.

You can try talking to him about the good times - telling him what you remember about the two of you. Start a path of him remembering and feeling good emotions. Don't pressure him to return yet. Remember, whatever he FEELS is key to him - and he will pick the facts to back that up. If he FEELS unsure about the relationship, then he will see all the things to worry about. If you can change his feelings, to make him feel better around you, then he'll start to see the good facts.

It will be slow.

It also sounds like your friends aren't being very supportive. Is there any you can talk to? Having a friendly ear makes all the difference. It is very tough doing this alone.

But post on this board - you are amoung understanding friends.

[OnceConfused]

Industrious Girl:

Your feeling of being at fault for not knowing how to deal with BPD, and consequently full of regrets are the RECIPE for suffering, unhappy and confusion. 

There is no logical way of dealing with BPD, the only way is to be a total doormat, saying nothing, just doing whatever you are being told. That is not a way of happiness in a r.s where we all are equal.

You think by being submissive, by understanding BPD that you can make the r.s a happy one. THINK AGAIN and READ MANY POSTS

The only way you can be happy for LONG TERM is to STAND UP for yourself and your happiness, FOCUS ON YOU. The most important thing is whether or not he is willing to take actions to change the NEGATIVE  THINKING (depression, addiction)  and then ultimately act in a positive ways.

If you are the only one to change, then forgive me but no matter how many times you get back , you will split again and again.

[JQ]

Hi Industrious Girl (GS)    

I see this is your first post ... .so welcome to the group     I'm glad you found the site ... .you won't find anyone judging here ... .but helpful guidance & a lot of us who can relate to your experiences. Come here as often as you need just to vent ... .ask for some help ... .or to get a cyber hug    to let you know you're ok ... .There are all kinds of reading material here to the right, & at the top ... .I encourage you to read as many post as you can from different categories so you can get a full picture of how others experiences might help you one way or another. Go to the local library and check out books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells", "The Human Magnet Syndrome", "I hate you ... .don't leave me" ... .to get a better understanding of what BPD really is.

Know the three C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it!  YOU can't Control it!  YOU can't Cure it! Put it on stickies and put it on the bathroom mirror & the kitchen fridge so you see it constantly ... .learn it ... .know it ... .live it     This started long before you showed up in their life and if they don't want to volunteer to go to therapy like CBT & DBT then there isn't a lot you're going to be able to do. It's like an alcoholic ... .they have to want to get help and evidence shows that this is going to be a lifetime of therapy for both you & him.

KNOW that nothing in the life of a BPD is logical & never will be ... .they have the behavioral logic of a 3 year old ... .a toddler. You'll hear that a lot ... .look back on situations and you might be able to see how they might throw a tantrum or act peculiar like a 3 year old.  Once Confused brings up a important point ... .YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!  YOU'RE going to have to be the adult in the relationship. There is evidence to suggest that BPD's need structor in their life ... .they need someone to give it to them because they've not had it or learned to deal with things in an adult manner.  As much as I hated to do it, my exBPDgf had me in a triangle and so many times I heard that, "I know he's not the one, I'm trying to break up with him but it's hard, I don't know how". We would talk for hours on the phone ... .have deep discussions ... .then she would go see him for the weekends ... .a couple of trips ... .she would give me enough bait for me to nibble at & keep me interested ... .but wouldn't commit to just one.  One night she called to talk about several different things nothing to deep, then she changed her tone of voice and started to say suggestive things ... .phone sex.  I told her ... .do you have these kind of conversations with your bf? No she said. I said why not? He doesn't do things like that? My response was ... .well you know ... .he's your bf and maybe you should be having this conversation with him and not me ... .I'm not going to do this anymore. The tone of her voice changed to almost sadness ... .but it was what I believe the structor she needed ... .but more importantly it was for me.  I said I won't be a part of any triangle any longer ... .she told me but i'm trying to break up with him ... .I told her you keep trying that ... .when you do ... .call me and with that I said goodnight.

She texted me the next morning ... .words to the affect, "You were right, I was having an affair with you ... .even the deep conversations we have is a type of emotional intimate affair.  That will happen no more".  It was structor, discipline, a boundary that I asserted for me ... .not for her.  Will it force her to finally make the choice to leave him? Good question ... .time will tell. Will I be there ... .hard to say ... .I've been healing myself ... .getting myself in a good place and I continue to read, learn all that I can about BPD.  We'll see if following the guidelines of the books of inserting boundaries, structor, discipline will work ... .until then I continue to live life and you should too!

My family & friends are like yours ... .I'm crazy for putting up with the crazy one. So like you I've stopped talking to them and when they ask I simply tell them my life is mine ... .what I choose to tell you is up to me. My mother & sister who is a BPD demand to know, yell at me to tell them ... .and I just kinda laugh at them and tell them no. I"m full NC with sister and only talk to my mother when I really want too. I've noticed that I have to set boundaries with them too and it works ... .so I'm hopeful for the ex it will too ... .even if we don't get back together ... .& really at this point in time I'm not so sure I want a lifetime of therapy ... .of the continued crazy train roller coaster ride. And with each passing day it gets better & better. I learned that I was a codependent from my therapist ... .the Knight in Amor, the perfectionist, the Cowboy riding in wearing the white hat to save her ... .from this sight, reading, my therapist I've learned to say no to my BPD mother & sister and now I've learned to say no to the exBPDgf ... .and you know what ... .I actually feel pretty darn good. I'm living my life for me ... .yes I love & care for her, yes i miss her ... .but you have to learn to love, care and most importantly respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself ... .it's hard for someone else to respect you. And if you don't set boundaries, put in place the structor that is needed ... .and if you don't hold the line one them ... .ask yourself it the situation was reversed ... .would you respect him if he set a boundary and caved when you threw a tantrum?

Like you my ex thanked me for my continued patience, compassion with her trying to learn what she can about herself & BPD. It was a chum thrown in the water to keep me swimming around ... .I too had a lot of regrets about what I said, my actions towards her ... .but that was before I knew about BPD ... .so how can you be upset & have regrets with yourself if you didn't know? The simple answer is you can't  ... .you didn't know ... .but now that you know about it ... .and you're learning all that you can about it. Don't be so hard on yourself ... .Like OnceConfused has said ... .work on yourself ... .balance ... .and if he's not willing to start the process for himself like going to a therapist ... .there is nothing you can do to fix it ... .

In the mean time ... .get out ... .go to movies with your girlfriends ... .go out bowling with them ... .go out for a bite to eat ... .breakfast coffee ... .go for a bike ride ... .a walk ... .spend some time with a friend that you haven't in a long time ... .call up an old friend you haven't talk to in a long time ... .it's a part of the process to help you get back to center yourself.

And come back here as often as you need to ... .express how you're feeling ... .to vent ... .to gather idea's ... read what others have done and worked and not worked ... .if you're going to stay ... .you might want to consider getting a therapist to help you with your feelings, emotions and to learn more about yourself like most of us have ... .read those books, read articles here on the website ... .and come back for as many    as you need ... .you'll find no judgment here ... .you will find  friends here  

JQ

[JQ]

GS,

Reading another post about someone setting a boundary a link was shared to help with the reenforcement ... .I thought I would share it with you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Knowledge ... .Learn it ... .Know it ... .Live it!

JQ