Was waiting for this to happen...

[infiniteeyes]

DD16 came home lastnight drunk as a lord, more than Ive usually seen from her. She became violent with me, pulling me by the hair and punching and kicking me. She didnt do any real harm but I was pretty scared and shaken up and unfortunately my LO witnessed some of it before I could take her out of the house to the safety of her daddys house nearby.

While she was punching and kicking she alternated between shouting at me that she would knock me out and crying telling me she loved me and didnt want to hurt me 

She then proceeded to grab a knife, lock herself in the bathroom and run herself a bath.

She fell asleep in the bath and so I took the knife and any others in the house and hid them, and went to wake her up to get her to bed. This just made her go even wilder and I got another few punches thrown at me.

I called the police and they took her away under the mental health act but returned her home less than 2 hours later. They got a dr to assess her and apparantely he was satisfied that she was not going to harm herself or anyone else. And that she had sobered up. She was totally calm and cooperative as soon as the police arrived and while she was in custody!

I guess somebody will have to get badly beaten up or stabbed in my house before they will concede that she is dangerous.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

Im so sorry to hear about that incident. I have a 16 year old BPD DD too, and this fall has been a doozy so far. We have not had substance issues with her, but I know some of her peers have been challenged with drugs and alcohol.

My DD's most recent rage episode was last Monday night after we had to ground her for a 3rd time this fall. She is currently grounded AND no phone for skipping school and having friends in the house with no parents home. (What a joy I have had taking so much time off work to babysit this lovely issue. Yes I have to radically accept she is not capable of handling before and after school freedom so I can't work a regular job schedule). Shortly before that she was grounded for breaking curfew and sneaking a runaway in her bedroom window. Shortly before that she had been grounded for sneaking out her window in the middle of the night. Monday night after we grounded her AND took away cell phone, she said all sorts of vile things and she threatened to punch me. At one point she grabbed a kitchen knife (I think intent was to self-harm), but I removed it from her hand immediately, and thankfully she did not fight me on that. I remained calm the entire time because I now can detach and know her choices are all on her. I remain calm, and firm with my boundaries. I validate, stay close, and am careful not to say too much. I think there is a part of my DD that knows when that line of losing physical control is crossed, she risks going to the hospital. We have, in the past, and will have to call police if she ever becomes physically out of control again. During last hospitalization she was put in isolation for a time, and that was the lowest point when I think something resonated in her that this wasn't worth it. She's had her ups and downs, but she not been hospitalized for about 18 months now.

I'm sure you were quite stunned they returned your DD to you after 2 hours. I would be too. In my area that would have meant a week in a hospital psych unit. But if she returned to being regulated, that is good. I'm very skeptical that hospitalization does anything for BPD but make it worse.

If I were in your shoes, I would lock up the knives and anything that she may harm herself or others with, require therapy/treatment, and ground her for a week for underage illegal drinking.

She's going to get mad, but her reaction is all on her. That is HER choice, and/or the symptoms of HER illness. It is not your fault. You have to be strong and not be afraid to give consequences. Just don't show any anger. Don't get into debates or negotiations or let her change the subject and make it all about you or something else that deflects attention away from her bad choice. If she runs, go after her if you can. If she threatens herself or you think she is clearly intent on harming herself, call 911. Plan ahead before having the consequences talk. Have your other child safely someplace else, and have some back up right on hand to help you restrain her or call the police if you need to. Remain calm. Her bad choices and behaviors = natural consequences. And give her much love after she returns to normal state.

[infiniteeyes]

Thanks for ur reply DisneyMom

Like your daughter my DD is not a stranger to a rage or two. I guess what was different about this time is that she was under the influence of a LOT of alcohol. When the police arrived they asked her if she had taken anything else to which she replied "God knows, i was so drunk i couldnt walk or talk there for an hour or two"

Unfortunately her BF is very bad news and well known to the authorities even though he is only 15.

Im not laying all of the blame on him, as I know she is making her own choices. But I cant overlook the fact that since she started seeing him she has dropped out of school, gotten in trouble with the law and is drinking more than ever. Still not to sure about how bad the drug problem is, although at one time she did more drugs than drink, now it seems to be the alcohol.

As far as consequences go, I do put consequences in place. Just a few months ago I got her cell cut off. If she doesnt go to school, the wifi is cut off. I dont give her money as a rule. What else can I do?

The bit of ur answer Im having difficulty with DisneyMom is the loving her when she returns to a normal state.

The whole incident is still a bit fresh but I do plan on making a formal complaint as it was an assault at the end of the day.

I can almost forgive that but the fact that she did it in front of her little sister, I dont think I can ever forgive or forget that  :'( :'( :'(

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry to hear about this infiniteyes.

Having been through such an extremely dangerous situation for everyone in the family all could benefit from Developing A Crisis Family Safety Plan

All of it won't apply and much of it will, especially in regards to protecting the younger children in the home from trauma.



lbj

[raytamtay3]

I haven't been on for a few days, and just now read this. I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is to try and shield our other kids from episodes like this.  My DS8 has witnessed far too much at such a young age and has PTSD, I believe, as a result.

I also can sympathize with having a hard time "forgiving" them after such outrageous behavior.  For me personally, it takes some time to bounce back.

Hang in there. 

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you all for your replies

A little update since the assault. Things were ok for a few days with DD and I passing each other like ships in the night. She stayed in bed most days and was up while I was sleeping. This continued until Wednesday morning until she decided to go to school, she hasnt been to school in about 3 weeks 

I was immediately concerned as I knew she was not in any fit mental state to cope with a full day of school.

Well she went to her head and told her everything that happened and that she was feeling very unsafe in herself and suicidal. School rang her psychologist who is a wonderful woman.

Cut a very long story short. She was put into an emergency foster care placement on Wednesday night.

From there she was taken to a breakaway weekend for youths, where they stay in cabins and do activities.

Shes been on the programme a few times over the years. They can only facilitate a few days at a time.

So she is more than likely going to be returned home on Monday. Then back to square one, waiting on a secure bed to become available.

But at least for now,  until monday, I know that she is safe and been taken care off. And DD4 and I can recuperate and have a little fun and relaxation over the weekend

[lbjnltx]

I'm glad to know that she is safe and so are you and D4 for the time being.  A reprieve, even brief, can help us sort through what has happened and think more clearly about the near future.

What kind of facility is the "secure bed" in?  The same youth retreat she is at now?

[infiniteeyes]

Its all very much pending Lbjnltx

There is a drug consellor who will access her on her return on Monday.

If he gives the nod she may be taken to a rehabilitation centre nearly 200 miles from here.

That would be ideal as I have family who live around there and so I would have people to stay with and plenty of support. However he may say she doesnt qualify 

The other option is that she may go back to the youth retreat she is at now on Tuesday, but that will only to be for another few days.

It looks like they are trying to buy time until a secure bed becomes available.

By secure bed I mean a state run unit, where she will be schooled and treated.

Fingers crossed for good news x

[lbjnltx]

That State Facility is a dual diagnoses treatment facility?

[infiniteeyes]

Yes, but the lack of beds is shocking and children and their families can be left waiting months for a bed to become available   

[lbjnltx]

Been there... .even with private facilities this sometimes happens... .especially acute care adolescent psychiatric facilities.

Any chance getting her into a private long term treatment facility of your choice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

I wish 

Unfortunately , those places cost a small fortune. Money that I just dont have. Im a single mum, I work part-time and just make enough to make ends meet.

[lbjnltx]

I understand. 

Many of the girls that were at Falcon Ridge when my d was there had their stay funded through their local school district IEP.  Some of them the IEP paid for the educational portion of the stay and insurance paid for the therapeutic portion of their stay.

Thoughts?

[infiniteeyes]

Yep that would be fantastic, however Ive never heard of anything like that being offered over here.

I would move mountains to get my DD the help she so desperately needs, but one thing I cant offer is financial support.

[lbjnltx]

It would take some time and some doing through a cooperative effort of psychiatrist, school and you.

Reading here may help you get started on understanding your daughter's rights re public school responsibility:

Lesson 5:  Educational Accommodations for Students with BPD

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you 

Will have a read now and ask some questions on monday

[infiniteeyes]

My daughter has had a special needs assistant assigned to her in school for the last two years.

Does that have any relevance?

[infiniteeyes]

Hello All 

Well it has been an eventful and emotional few days since my dd16 returned from her youth retreat on monday.

She went straight out and smoked weed. Tuesday night saw us going to hospital after she cut her wrist and needed stitches. The psych on call did a drugs test, assessed her, told us there were no beds to send her. She gave us some sleeping tablets and sent us home on the agreement dd would see her psychologist the following day.

She did see her but DD wasnt really talking. Wednesday night she cut her wrist again 

Emergency room again. But this time I had to have the police section her as she refused to go. Once there, she refused stitches. We sat for hours with the police present. Once the psychiatrist spoke to me I left to come home. There was nothing I could do. I felt my presence there was only aggravating the situation. I live only 5 mins away if I needed to return. They asked me to come back but I told them I was in no fit state.It was 6 am at this stage and I was exhausted after 4hrs sleep the previous night.  I know my daughter better than anyone else and I told them they might get further with her if I wasnt there.

The police officer talked to her and managed to get her to take the stitches.

She was kept in the emergency room over night. Her psychiatrist called me and asked me to take her home if she was given medication to sedate her and make her sleep. I refused. That meant she had no choice but to find her a bed. It took all day but finally a bed was secured in a psych unit for teens about 160 miles away, near to where her Dad lives 

So the social workers drove her down & her Dad was able to meet them and do the paper work.

Once she is discharged from the unit, she is going directly to a high support private residential unit.

[lbjnltx]

So sorry that this is what it took to get your daughter inpatient care.  The "system" puts all the responsibility on the parent to provide for the child even when it is outside of our abilities.  Lock down acute inpatient care facilities have a difficult time with our children, how are we supposed to protect and care for them?... .it's crazy making stuff!

Is the facility a long term care program? 

Hang in there momma!

[infiniteeyes]

My thoughts exactly Lbj

She is staying in the psych unit for a few days but we expect a placement will be found early next week.

Not sure yet of the location but it is likely to be quite a distance away.

I have asked for an idea on the time scale of how long she will stay. The answer I was given is that she will not be returned home until they are certain she is ready... Like alot of the stories Ive read on here she will eventually allowed overnight visits home but that wont be for a long time.

My selfish emotions are hoping she will be allowed home for Christmas but Im not holding my breath and preparing myself for the heart break if she is not here.

Her behaviours have been so extreme. She is going to need a huge amount of therapeutic intervention.

At least I know she is safe and I am trying my best to hang in there 

[infiniteeyes]

Also, I spoke to the nurse in charge of my DD and she has said that she is been given some medications to keep her calm. They see signs of cannabis withdrawal. Apart from that she described my DD as being bright and pleasant and they have had no management issues with her so far. So a piece of positive news 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

You were due for some good news and HELP!

Having been through the long term RTC experience myself I know that holidays can be hard... .keeping a perspective is important.  Reviewing and reminding ourselves of the priorities while validating ourselves helps.

Having others to walk beside us, knowing our pain, concerns, fears, and hope helps too.

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you Lbj for your words of wisdom and support 

[infiniteeyes]

Hi all

Well my daughter was discharged from the psych unit over the weekend as they dont believe she has a mental illness.

Is this a common occurence when dealing with BPD?

They felt by keeping her there she would just pick up behaviours as she is so easily influenced.

She was moved to temporary accomodation where she has been for 4 days. Hopefully a bed becomes available in the residential unit tomorrow.

Its been a week now since I saw her. We didnt leave on good terms in the emergency room.

I am missing her a lot tonight.

How do other mums and dads cope with the heartache of missing your child?

I know this is for the best and sometimes I feel Im being selfish by missing her if that makes sense.

I suppose because Ive been a single mum it was just me and her for so long. The house is very empty (drama free too!) without her and I suppose Im just missing her pretty face  :'( :'(

[donnab]

Hi I just had to reply as your dd's & your story spoke to me. It reminds me so much of my dd when she was 16 (she's about to turn 22 now). I live in the Uk and there was no psychiatric intervention, she wasn't diagnosed until last year and is still not engaging with treatment. The velocity that they can be so out of control at that age is amazing, but it does get better - although it's not ideal for sure! - there is still chaos but it is no longer dangerous chaos (to my knowledge). I can relate so much to the violence, frightening but looking back she really wasn't going to seriously hurt me, it was quite superficial and just crazy. In the end we took the drastic measure of saying we would no longer live with her. That came with it's own burden of guilt and pain but over time I have been able to cope with it. I think I decided I couldn't save her no matter what I did but I could save myself, either we both went down the pan or I stepped aside and saved myself.

What really spoke to me was hearing your pain about missing your daughter. At 16 they are so young and as parents the pain of all of this is almost too much to bear. I don't know what the answer is. I have learnt to detach myself a lot from her, and it helps that we don't live together anymore. I found at this time the only thing that helped me bear it was doing things that brought me some happiness (hobbies and such) and the support of good friends.

I wish you strength, peace and love to get through this stage. It will change but it is likely to be a while before you feel you are in calmer waters.

[lbjnltx]

I coped by acknowledging that it is normal to miss my daughter, I validated by own feelings.  I then used my wisemind to tell myself that my d is getting the help SHE needs and that we will all reap the rewards throughout the years.

Delayed gratification.

[Eyeamme]

How difficult. I feel for you. I really have nothing to say other than I am so sorry you are going through this.

[infiniteeyes]

I know, I am thinking of her getting the help she needs. And also for myself to get stronger and back on track as my own health is suffering and my anxiety has peaked. I was at Drs today and he was so shocked by my weight loss that he actually enquired as to whether i was making myself sick. Im not. Im just to anxious/worried to eat properly. Ive dropped almost a stone in weight and I am a naturally thin person to start with.

I just have my moments usually at night time when LO is tucked up in bed and I have nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I really do miss her but I know in my heart of hearts she cant be at home right now.

I guess once I get word that they have secured a residential bed for my DD then I will relax a little.

She is still in temp accomodation. Her youth worker is spending tonight with her. I spoke on the phone to DD today and she sounded in good form. She said she isnt really but she is managing. She was going to get her hair done and go for lunch so that was nice to hear 

Ive told her how proud i am of her and to be a good girl 

Fingers crossed for good news tomorrow.

[infiniteeyes]

So back to my original reason for posting:

Do mental health professionals usually treat our BPD kids as having behavioural and emotional problems (as I was told) and not a mental illness. Its very confusing?