I was able to set a constructive limit

[unicorn2014]

 

Welcome to the newbies.

The old timers are familiar with my story: my long distance fiancé told me he filed for divorce, I asked to see the papers in june, then a couple of weeks ago at the advice of my father I decided to look it up myself and found nothing there. This sent me into a tailspin of anxiety and insomnia. As a last resort I asked my fiancé to have his lawyer call me and when he said no I reached the end of my rope and tried to take a step back. After my fiancé's first extinction burst led me to talk to him about my daughter's homework which resulted in creating confusion, I realized I was in no shape to be upholding that kind of boundary so I backed down.

With the help of this board I decided to try a different approach and ask that my fiancé delay his move to my county (he was planning on moving the last week of this month) until he got his affairs in order. This hit pay dirt. I found out he already signed a contract with a realtor which he assumed I knew about since he mentioned it briefly, but he used business/legal language I was unfamiliar with. I got the name of both his former attorney and the new attorney he is meeting with this week. I was able to look up both attorneys and ask my fiancé  questions about what I found, as well as schedule a talk with my fiancé before he meets with his new attorney so I can address my concerns. I was also able to make a request of my fiancé that he let me know about any future contracts he was considering. My fiancé gets overwhelmed by all the pressures he is under, doesn't communicate them to because he doesn't want to overwhelm me, and then when he gets flinty I think it's because of a problem I caused when it has nothing to do with me. I told my fiancé my priority is that he thoroughly covers all the bases of his legal matters before he comes out to my area.

I want to express my thanks for this board. I signed up last year but didn't start working in earnest on it until this crisis. I've been reading the lessons on the undecided and the staying boards. I really appreciate everyone's participation. Things are improving: my partner and I were able to read an article about conflict resolution for couples where we went over phrases that would help us do things like calm down and get to yes. I am going to write down some phrases on index cards like " can you please use a softer voice?" Or "I need to calm down" (I have a hot temper) to help learn how to communicate with my partner better.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

With the help of this board I decided to try a different approach and ask that my fiancé delay his move to my county (he was planning on moving the last week of this month) until he got his affairs in order.

... .

I told my fiancé my priority is that he thoroughly covers all the bases of his legal matters before he comes out to my area.

I think this was very wise of you to do. To me it really seems like the best approach moving forward is to take your time and indeed let him sort his things out first. If it's a good idea today, it will also be a good idea tomorrow.

... .and then when he gets flinty I think it's because of a problem I caused when it has nothing to do with me.

It can be difficult not to be affected by the way others behave. I am glad you are able to see that his actions and words really don't have anything to do with you at all but are more about him and his current state of mind.

I want to express my thanks for this board. I signed up last year but didn't start working in earnest on it until this crisis. I've been reading the lessons on the undecided and the staying boards. I really appreciate everyone's participation. Things are improving: my partner and I were able to read an article about conflict resolution for couples where we went over phrases that would help us do things like calm down and get to yes. I am going to write down some phrases on index cards like " can you please use a softer voice?" Or "I need to calm down" (I have a hot temper) to help learn how to communicate with my partner better.

I really find it great to hear that you've found this board so helpful The lessons and resources here can be invaluable as you try to navigate your relationship. Being mindful of our own potentially unhelpful or unconstructive responses and behaviors is also very important indeed. Educating and preparing yourself sounds like an excellent strategy to me

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Kwamina,  between living with a teenage girl and having a fiancé with BPD traits, there's plenty of defensiveness to go around. The key to upholding this limit is not making demands or accusations. My fiancé is in a hurry to leave the area he grew up in and move out where I am because he says his area trigger his ptsd. In my training that's called a geographic but he claims his therapists say a change of environment would be good for him. I know before he met me he was planning to move to some remote island in the South Atlantic sea. He already done a geographic to a Caribbean island. He actually wanted to move out here and finish up his divorce from remote. If he had actually done that with no filing being in the system it would have been a huge mess. I am glad I found that out. From here on out I'm going to be working on my communication skills.

[JQ]

Hi Unicorn!  Welcome

I must tell you ... .YOU ARE AWESOME! YOU SHOWED SOME B@LLS & STUCK TO YOUR GUNS! BRAVO!  Doing the right thing   Empathy

I have done the same thing ... .for the same reason ... .well close to the same thing. ExBPDgf was still texting & calling me & we would talk for hours about deep subjects or other simple things for hours. On occasion she would let me say the night with her on her schedule ... .BUUUT ... .she had a bf. She continued to tell me "I'm trying to break up with him, it's hard, I've never done this before".  When I would press the issue on some sort of commitment with us ... .she would get upset, mad, angry, rage, throw a damn temper tantrum & she would tell me I'm in a committed relationship with bf and would kinda blow me off. Then a day or two later she would text, or call and we would engage in conversations and the process would start all over again. Does this sound familiar yet?

SO like you ... .she called one night ... .she started to talk about things and then the conversation turn to erotica ... .before things got to far I asked her if she has these kind of conversations with her bf ... .she said no. I said why not? She told me because he doesn't do that ... .he's vanilla ... .I paused ... .there was a long silent moment ... .I knew what I was about to say was a major boundary ... .I knew it was time for it but it was going to have a lot of radioactive fall out. I told her, " maybe this is the kind of conversation you should be having with your bf".  With that ... .her tone of her voice changed to sadness ... .again I"m told, "I'm trying to break it off with him" ... .I told her, "I can't and won't be a part of this triangle anymore ... .if you want to really be with him I won't stand in the way ... .you have to decide to be with him without pressure from me. If you want to be with me ... .then I shouldn't be pressuring you to end things with him ... .it shouldn't be that way. I respect you ... .more importantly I respect myself ... .I think its time to say good night ... .and with that I hung up the phone.

SO like you I set the boundary ... .like you I have to hold the line ... .the next morning I received a text from her ... .words to the affect, "You were right, I was having an affair with you and I feel bad about it. Even if we continue to have conversations (which by itself is a type of intimacy affair) we would skirt around the sex and things would go from there ... .starting to day that will end".  So she sees the boundary ... .now what happens if she calls ... .I'll ask ... how are things between you & your bf ... .if it's still an issue ... .I'll enforce the boundary like others have suggested in this thread. Again, it gets easier with each passing day Unicorn ... .

Thanks to this site, my therapist and a lot of reading I've learn to set boundaries with my BPD mother & sister. They have actually called yelling at me asking me if I'm seeing anyone, where am I in the country? and I tell them ... .No ... .my life is my life ... .I will tell you what I want to tell you when I want to tell you. Of course my mom thinks she can bully me into confession ... .and I laugh ... .you're funny mom ... .I'm a grown man ... .do you really think this is going to work ?  Are you going to ground me? WOW to funny.  That helped me with setting the boundary with the ex gf ... .and you know what Unicorn ... .I feel pretty damn good about things. You have learned to stand up for yourself ... .set the boundary ... .you have learn to respect yourself ... .in turn this will have him or others respect you. Think about it for a moment ... .if the situation was reversed ... .would he respect you?  yeah I'm getting a divorce ... .only to find out you didn't? 

I've learned to do things without her ... .yes I miss her ... .yes I still care & love her ... .but a boundary is the boundary and if this relationship was going to work it was a boundary that needed to be set. She continues to see her therapist ... .and has decided to see another one who is better equipped to managed DPT / EMDR therapy ... .so she tells me. She has started to go back to church & bible study classes.  Will my boundary work? Only time will tell ... .if it doesn't ... .I'm NOT ... .i repeat ... .I"M NOT going to stop living my life.

I continue to ride bikes, hike, work out to help manage the stress all of this causes and I feel pretty darn good. I've changed my eating habits and getting back to where I should be in with my physical & mental health. Hell I've even started watching & doing Yoga on Youtube ... .  grin   I would suggest you do the same in addition to calling old friends you haven't talked to in awhile ... .go out with a girlfriend for coffee, a movie, bowling, a hike or a walk ... .get the heck out of the 4 walls you live in and live your life.

Stay strong!  You've made the first step of a very hard journey but it's soo going to be worth it in the end!   Doing the right thing   Empathy

JQ

[unicorn2014]

Hi JQ

I've actually been here since December 2013, however I just started posting on a regular basis when I discovered my finance's divorce wasn't online. I'm actually at 430 posts at this point. When did you join and start posting?

I have done the same thing ... .for the same reason ... .well close to the same thing.

I think I have failed to communicate clearly. What I did was ask my fiancé to delay his move until he got confirmation that his divorce was filed.

Does this sound familiar yet?

Actually it doesn't. The day after I found out my fiancé had a wife he asked her to move out and she did. That was over 3 years ago. This was before I met him a person so we had not yet spent the night together. He was physically separated from his wife for a couple of months before we spent the night together.

he's vanilla ... .

Generally vanilla is used in the context of kinky. From what I can see you don't have any bdsm aspects to your r/s. Is that true?

Again, it gets easier with each passing day Unicorn ... .

My fiancé had not been happy with his wife for 8 years before he met me, but due to having an accident he wasn't able to walk, when he met me he was miraculously healed and was able to start making the changes he needed to make to move forward with his life.

you have learn to respect yourself ... .

Yes, I learn that in FAST in DBT. Have you ever taken DBT?

yeah I'm getting a divorce ... .only to find out you didn't?  

His lawyer didn't file, in fact there are rumors about his lawyer, so he's getting a new lawyer.

I would suggest you do the same in addition to calling old friends you haven't talked to in awhile ... .go out with a girlfriend for coffee, a movie, bowling, a hike or a walk ... .get the heck out of the 4 walls you live in and live your life.

I lead a very active life, am a part of recovery groups, go to movies by myself, hikes and walks by myself, I get out and about every day. I run, bike, walk, hike, do yoga, go to the gym, go to cafes, museums, meetings, therapy. I think I have really failed to portray myself accurately on this thread which kind of concerns me. I'm in excellent physical health. If there is anything unwell you're picking up on its because I have PTSD and I'm a single mother and right now raising my teenage daughter on my own is kind of challenging me. That has nothing to do with my fiancé.

Stay strong~!  You've made the first step of a very hard journey but it's soo going to be worth it in the end~!   Doing the right thing  

Actually the first step of a very hard journey was when I asked his wife to call me three years ago to confirm her identity, and the second step of that very hard journey was when I texted her when he made his first suicide attempt and the third step of that very hard journey is when I called the police when he made his second suicide attempt, from out of state. Its actually quite easy these days compared to those days. Things have gotten a LOT better.