Taking care of self...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I understand the importance of taking care of self. I don't understand how you can do this when you have a BPD partner. I love the idea of spending time with family, friends, hobbies, etc. However, when I attempt to do this, it brings out the BPD rage. I'm sure you can imagine what is said during the rage. Anything that isn't about her is a threat and provokes her. How do you do this? How do I do those things to take care of myself without creating a battle?  Thank you.

[Steve4444]

I understand the importance of taking care of self. I don't understand how you can do this when you have a BPD partner. I love the idea of spending time with family, friends, hobbies, etc. However, when I attempt to do this, it brings out the BPD rage. I'm sure you can imagine what is said during the rage. Anything that isn't about her is a threat and provokes her. How do you do this? How do I do those things to take care of myself without creating a battle?  Thank you.

[OnceConfused]

First of all, you have to develop a mental attitude that you will not be afraid of her rage.

She will rage and be angry , because that is what BPD does. So let us be clear that

1. you cannot control her rage and her comments.

2. You can only control what you feel and what you do.

The battle is created by her as a way to control you and to put you into submission. 

If you continue to be afraid then you fall right into her trap --- submission and be a doormat.

You can be firm with her by saying, I am going to be with my friends for awhile or my family , do you have any objections?.

If she say yes, she has objections. Now she is opened for more questions from you. Can you tell me more why you object to my wanting to spend some time with friends or family?.

You keep on with probing questions (this line of talking, you don't provoke or contradict anything, you simply just inquire). If you think 4 hours is too much with my family, then can you help me see what is needed at home that I have to spend less time with my friend or family?

or if you need me to do this or that , than I will be home by ... .

You ask for probing her logic, then you simply tell her your decisions.

REMEMBER, you are an adult, not a little kid who needs permission to do whatever. You have to behave as such as well - as equal.