advice on situation

[hurthusband]

Ok... currently my wife is not getting out of bed for nearly a week and pilling  up to sleep.  She is very angry at me.  When I try and talk to her she says things like "I don't care if your mother dies" "you are a coward and I'm going yo divorce u and find a better person" "how ashamed thr kids must be of u since u had their sibling aborted" and various other insults constantly so I started walking away and not defending nor attacking and avoiding her.  I will pick up around house which inevitably gets picked apart but she claims I don't care or I'd be trying to sooth her.  I can't though without being hurt.

Things are bad.  I've contacted her docs who refuse to do anything and her sister and I have no clue what to do.  I am terrified but she cannot function at all Cept to attack me.  I'm very worried and I don't know what to do

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I don't have advice, but I wanted to give you a virtual hug. 

I'm sure other will have ideas of things you can do in this situation. I do think that what you are doing to protect yourself is a good idea. Why keep being a target? If I was getting that much hostility, and verbal backlash, I'd avoid her too.

Hang in there.

[Seeks]

I have been there. At the brunt end of a verbal assault.

I was as a matter of fact some tonight. But she had several drinks and had been arguing with her son. What she said to me was designed not only to be hurtful, but to also knock me down.

She has been struggling with financial issues, job change issues etc etc

These are the times when I have noticed the disregulation and defamation rears its ugly head the most.

Tear someone else down to lift yourself up... .

When this happens in my case, I have found engaging in any manner just makes matters worse. If I argue back it escalates. If I reason, agree, disagree or even validate it just gives her more to seeth about.

The best thing I have found to bring her back around when she is off more than usual is time. If you are there in her bubble in any manner it is going to take more time.

I have read many times that the emotional lashing wasn't about me. Eventually I believed that, but it took me a long time to actually FEEL that it wasn't.

Spend some time with your kids. Refocus your energy on them instead of her.

Don't reward her bad behavior with reactions. Neither positive or negative.

When she is calmer, interact more with her.

[OnceConfused]

"THINGS ARE BAD".

Hurthusband:

THINGS NOT ONLY ARE BAD, THEY HAVE BEEN BAD FOR A LONG TIME.

I feel for you. I think the mental state has deteriorated significantly for her. Those were very hurtful statements from her, esp., about your mother and your children. Personally, my family is THE sacred ground, so  if it were me , I would  have F* this crap and file for divorce the next day. But we are all different with different background and circumstances so I can understand your inaction.

Perhaps, since you cant and won't divorce her then you might have to try to probe like an interviewer/therapist, instead of being at the end of the rage:

Her: I dont care if your mother dies.

You: Can you tell me why you feel that way? (use a lots of CAN YOU TELL ME ... )

      By the way, I love my mother and my children, and I would like for you to refrain from making comments about them, Is that OK with you?

Her: You are a coward and I am going to divorce you and find a better person.

You: Can you tell me why you feel that I am a coward and give me some specific examples of my behaviors?

Her : I am going to divorce you and find a better person.

You: I feel bad that you feed bad about me and our marriage. Can you tell me why you would like a divorce?

... .Can  you tell me why I am not worthy of being your husband?

... .Are you truly miserable with me?

... .If you are truly miserable then perhaps a divorce would be good and this way you can find a better man. How do you want to proceed? (you are ready to pull trigger here)

Her: How ashamed the kids must be of you , since you have their sibling aborted.

You: You don't know how people feel or think , so can you tell me why do you feel that they should be ashamed ?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi hurthusband,

She has been saying the same hurtful things for a very long time. It is her lashing out on you and projecting. These are the words and actions from a very disordered person. I think it is good to remind yourself of the extent of her illness. The only way that her hurtful words are not going to affect you is when you decide and not believe the things she says. That is on you hurthusband. Do you honestly believe the things she says are valid and the truth?

You have been in this situation far too often. Think about what happened last time. What were the steps taken to get her into inpatient treatment.  

[Grey Kitty]

I'm very worried and I don't know what to do

You can't do anything to make your wife behave better. Leaving when the verbal abuse starts is an excellent step. Keep that up! I'd recommend you save the work on validation for some hypothetical future time when she isn't being abusive toward you.

Focus instead on taking care of yourself and the kids.

What do you need to stay physically healthy? What do you need to feel a bit happier or peaceful?

What do the kids need? Are all their physical needs taken care of? What about their emotional needs? Can you validate their feelings?

Hang in there!

[hurthusband]

I suppose first to answer some questions...

As far as what she says is true.

Some of what she says is true.  It may seem blown out of proportion to me, but maybe I am wrong.  maybe some things I see as right are wrong because I do not have her perspective.  I would almost rather suffer than risk causing pain to others.

Things I do to stay healthy...

i try to get to gym a few times a week.

to feel happier and peaceful?

rest... no stress.  My wife last week was fantastic.  I mean things at work were hard partly because of making up for things of previous week

kids need...

they have now been sent to stay with ther aunt.  I am always taking opportunity to try and encourage them to to talk and express themselves

As far as latest... as mentioned she came clean with therapist and doctor last week and things were looking better.  I was sick Sunday throwing up so could not be super supportive.  She was joking around with kids when one of them mentioned it ws cause they had no clothes to wear.  This hit her as because she had been neglecting them and refusing to do laundry and not letting me do it.  She took it hard and went to bed.  Next morning i went into work an hour late trying to cheer her up.  That afternoon we talked and I mentioned I was thinking i should be off at 3 pm which is not terribly unusual for a Monday.  She was excited and asked me to pick up things.  I pushed some people back but still ended up leaving at 3:20.  She went ballistic.  I still went to the restaurant which was 20 minute sout of the way before she told me to come home and hung up without answering to get food

When I got home I saw she had gotten out of bed and cleaned up some.  She was ballistic I ruined the eveninga nd laid into me then the kids.  I took some of my xanax for the situation and laid down before later on she told me to make another 1 hour round trip to the same place to get her food.  I was a bit out of it, but I got her salad, family sized fruit tart, chicken and vegetables, soup, bread, and pasta salad.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten 4 hours earlier she wanted 2 pasta salads and while the fruit tart was family sized for 4 my son and I ate half which was wrong

After all of this she is talking about she has a plan to kill herself she does not know when she will do it, but its only way.  She also said the following "I do not know if the doc is just trying to make money off me, but said that inpatient care will not do me anymore good than just doing this here and is a waste of time and money"

If we try and have her committed she says she will definitely kill herself.  I have contacted her sister on this and trying to get ahold of her doc who refuses to talk to me pretty much.

I feel beat

[Lucky Jim]

I would almost rather suffer than risk causing pain to others.

Hey HH, If you delete the "almost" you will have a succinct statement of what it means to be codependent.  You're looking to your W to give you self-worth, rather than sourcing it from within.  She can't give that to you, my friend, and the longer you look to her for it the more frustrated you will become, if it's possible to feel a greater sense of futility than what you already do.  The painful reality is that you don't validate yourself, so you're constantly looking to her for self-esteem, because on some level you don't love and accept yourself.

By being your W's caretaker, you are avoiding and abandoning self-care.  Change the game.  Start with taking care of yourself and see what happens.  Can you honestly say that you love yourself?  (We both know the answer, I suspect).

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

hurthusband:

I agree with Lucky Jim. PLease read his post again and again. It was short but to the point.

You should not look for her to give you the happiness , because she does not have it inside. Whatever the peace you have now, it is quite short, isn't it?

you left work at 3:20 pm, only 20 min later and she went ballistic. We all have to work for a living. You have to hang up as soon as she begins her ballistic journey. Let her know that you won't stand there, taking and listening to her bull crap. If she wants to talk then she would better use a softer voice.

when you got home she laid her abuse onto you and onto the kid. Please again don't stay there and take it as gospel. You must let her know that you won't accept that and HER kids do not deserve the yelling.

When later she asked you to make the 1 hour to get her food. WHY DID YOU DO IT , after all the yelling she did at you?  What you were sending her is" it is ok for you to abuse me and guess what I will do whatever you ask ." . Do you you see there was no consequence to her yelling? No wonder she can yell at anyone and anytime she wants.

Please tell me that you did not buy the threat of suicide if you commit her to the hospital.

I know you have been on this site for a long time looking for help. Have you seen any improvement in her behaviors since or have you feel even a slightest better ?

[GaGrl]

I imagine her doctor might have said something along the lines of "If you don't do the work required to get better, you won't improve in inpatient care any more than you would at home/outpatient."  And she heard... ."you wont improve in inpatient care any more than you would at home."

Because... .she doesn't want to the do the work required to get better.  She doesn't do it, she has no history of attempting to do it, nothing changes on her part except fits and starts of... .what?... .making an attempt to clean the house and do laundry, or be nice to you for 2 days?

If she is threatening suicide, you need to call 911.  Tell the paramedics who respond exactly what she has said and how many times she has said it, give them times over the past 24 hours that she said it.  Make sure they understand that she will try to talk them out of taking her to the hospital.  Do not let that happen.

And if she comes home in 7 days and begins to threaten suicide again within 2-3 days, call 911 again.

And again.

Until either she starts to do the work, or you accept that she isn't going to do the work.