Back to black.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So last night I had dinner with my ex.

He was in a bad mood, and I could tell.  He would not look at me, talk to me, or sit near me.  He refused to even talk to any of my friends, and spent the evening talking to only one person whom he doesn't even like.

After dinner, we were supposed to go to an event together.  He came up with some excuse and refused to go to the event with us.  He went home alone.

When I got to the event, my friends told me what the excuse was.  I posted on a public message board that I was glad to see him and hoped to see him again soon, then RSVPed to another event he is going to.  He posted that he had tried to make it to the event and got lost (a lie).  I wondered why he felt the need to apologize for it.  It was like he felt bad for being a jerk.

Today, he removed his RSVP to the event I'm attending.  I guess I'm black again.

He also removed himself from all the other events with my friends.  Maybe we're all black.

*sigh*

[GreenEyedMonster]

So last night I had dinner with my ex.

He was in a bad mood, and I could tell.  He would not look at me, talk to me, or sit near me.  He refused to even talk to any of my friends, and spent the evening talking to only one person whom he doesn't even like.

After dinner, we were supposed to go to an event together.  He came up with some excuse and refused to go to the event with us.  He went home alone.

When I got to the event, my friends told me what the excuse was.  I posted on a public message board that I was glad to see him and hoped to see him again soon, then RSVPed to another event he is going to.  He posted that he had tried to make it to the event and got lost (a lie).  I wondered why he felt the need to apologize for it.  It was like he felt bad for being a jerk.

Today, he removed his RSVP to the event I'm attending.  I guess I'm black again.

He also removed himself from all the other events with my friends.  Maybe we're all black.

*sigh*

[OnceConfused]

Green Eyes:

What do you get when you squeeze a lemon?

Sweet orange juice or the sour lemon juice ?

Of course, you will have the acidic lemon juice. This goes on to mean that WE CANNOT GIVE WHAT WE DON"T HAVE. if you x, does not have self love, and have only hatred and anger, then guess what he is going to give others --- sweet love or hatred/anger?

[GreenEyedMonster]

True.

It's just that I went out with him the weekend before, and we got along great, everything was fine.  He followed me around like a little puppy, wanting my attention.  It was like things went back to normal.  Then for no reason . . . this.  I didn't act any differently toward him.  In fact, I didn't even speak to him at all or attempt to get close to him.  Just breathing was enough to get painted black this time.

I'm fairly certain he'll be back again, because his odds of getting a replacement are pretty slim.

The interesting part is that he's showing some awareness that his behavior is inappropriate and erratic.  He didn't want everyone to know that he had a meltdown and lied to cover it up.  I wonder if things will change after his weekly therapist appointment -- they sometimes do.

He's playing out his ambivalence about his abusive mother with me over, and over, and over again . . .

[Suspicious1]

Do you think he felt engulfed because you said it was nice to see him, then rsvp'd to another event he'd be at? Perhaps he was comfortable with the cosy looks and flirtation, but as soon as it was voiced it became too "real"?

Just from the point of view of looking after yourself - don't play into his hands if he's thinking of taking legal action against you. If he's threatened you recently with an injunction (if that's what he's done), then publicly saying it was nice to see him at an event, and immediately arranging to go to another one that he's at, might not be in your best interests. Perhaps the best thing to do is to just get on with what you want to do, rsvping to whatever you want to go to, but not directing any communication his way at all.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Do you think he felt engulfed because you said it was nice to see him, then rsvp'd to another event he'd be at? Perhaps he was comfortable with the cosy looks and flirtation, but as soon as it was voiced it became too "real"?

Yeah, probably.  I think I did too much too fast.  I think even the flirtation overwhelmed him later, in his own mind.  I thought I was safe because he so obviously feared rejection the previous time I saw him.  So I am just going to give him a wide berth for a while and disappear.  I have mastered the art of disappearance since the last round.  I have a good two weeks, starting tomorrow, to disappear without hurting my own social life.  He will not know anything about where I am or what I'm doing, so no interactions to fuel his fears.  That should at least give him a head start on dealing with his issue.

He is in therapy, and he likely saw his therapist today.  I hope his therapist helps him with returning to reality.  His resolve to deal with me seems to correlate with his therapy visits, which I guess is a good sign that he's making progress there.

As usual, the minute I seem "gone for good," he will come looking for me.  I'm not sure how available I will make myself this time, not because I dislike him or want him out of my life, but because I'm sick of playing this engulfment fear game.  Besides that, I have a date with someone else . . .

[Lucky Jim]

It was like things went back to normal.  Then for no reason . . . this.  I didn't act any differently toward him.  In fact, I didn't even speak to him at all or attempt to get close to him.  Just breathing was enough to get painted black this time.

Hey G-E-M, That's what happens in a BPD r/s.  A storm cloud appears out of a clear blue sky.  You think things are going well and you are on firm ground, then discover it's a mine field.  The hard part is that the triggering event is a moving target, with the result that you can't predict what will cause the next reaction.  Sad to say, this is the cycle in a BPD r/s: it's push/pull; love/hate; saint/sinner; black/white; which is to say, "splitting" occurs time and again.

Suggest you consider where this is headed.

LuckyJim

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, at this point I consider all of my interactions with him experimental.  While I enjoy his company and like him as a person, I do understand that this is a permanent limitation.

I do wonder if it's possible to reach something approximating equilibrium if I basically pay no attention to his mood swings and let him go off and come back as he pleases.  I have a few friendships that work this way and it's fine -- maybe we could have at least a partially functional friendship that way.  But then again, he said he has a hard time being friends with women he's attracted to, so we'll see.