How to help grandchildren who are living with BPD mom

[Bh8161]

Any advice on how to help my grandchildren cope with their borderline mom (my daughter) and her verbally abusive behavior and mood swings? She was diagnosed as a teenager, and I know what it's like to parent a BPD child. I now see my grandkids being affected by her behavior. I am at a loss! The oldest, 11 year old granddaughter, is struggling the most. My heart breaks for her! Any advice would be most appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Bh8161,

Glad that you are here looking for ways to help your gkids cope with their feelings.

The most important thing you can do is be a safe support for your gkids.  Listening to them, encourage them to talk about their feelings and validate those feelings.  It is also important not to say anything negative about their mom to them... .keep the focus on the gkids feelings.

We have some info in the side bar about validation, videos, and Lessons to participate in.

Do you get alone time with the gkids often?  What is your relationship like with your daughter now?

I look forward to hearing  back from you and being a source of support for you.

lbjnltx

[AVR1962]

Do you live close enough to your daughter that you can have interaction with the grand children? If so, try to build a relationship with your grand children where they feel safe and comfortable with you. Never say anything about their mom but support. let your daughter know she is capable of making her own decisions with the kids, do not give her advise as you can so become the one to blame if you do.

My BPD daughter has 3 children, ages 10-15. Her oldest is her little worker bee and scapegoat, she has become almost second mom to the other two kids and takes on more responsibility around the home than my daughter does. It is really sad to see. It is this daughter that things are expected of and it is the next child that gets all the glory from my daughter, the second girl is very mouthy but she seems to be mom's best friend, also sad. My daughter does not clean house at all, her kids do the laundry and take care of the pets, son-in-law does the cooking and most of the care of the children. Daughter is extremely over weight and just sits on the couch watching TV and texting people, getting involved in everyone's lives while neglecting her family (in my opinion) but she sees herself as a good mom which is obvious by what she tells people about herself.

My daughter goes from hugging her kids, cuddling with them to screaming at them and telling them she is getting mad. Rather than getting off the couch to take care of something herself she will text one of them from the next room to do this or that.

Perhaps your situation is different, I am speaking from my own experiences. As much as I see wrong with my daughter's situation I also realize there is little I can do for the children but be there for them. Right now I have no relationship with them, my daughter decided she wanted nothing more to do with me a few months ago and along with her went the relationship with my grand children.

[js friend]

Hi Bh8161,

Iam a grandma and I guess all we can do is provide a safe haven for our gc with a lot of love, support and validation of their feelings. I try to have my GC over as much as possible so they feel safe and loved and provide them with the normality and stability they need when they are here...

My DD20 has 2 children under 3yo and the eldest is already having a tough time with her mother. I have begun to see how differently she treats them. The eldest has a very carefree laid back personality much like her dad (who left dd a few months ago) and it is almost as if dd wants to knock this out of her. GC1 gets into trouble with dd over the slightest things and seems to spend a lot of time on "the naughty step" Dd is having trouble with GC tantrums which are age appropiate and cant stand GC crying or whinging.Ive tried telling dd to use distraction with her but dd gets wound up by it and ends up calling GC names like a big baby which totally invalidates her feelings, whereas she is more tolerant of  GC2 who dd has always been more attached to and  is more like dd in personality. GC can do the same thing that  GC1 has got in trouble for doing and dd will often overlook it, or think it is cute or funny. My heart just breaks for my GC

[Pou]

if it is me.  I would validate the fact that she probably still love her mother despite all the insanity.  And support that emotion.  But to make sure that she is educated with the "symptoms" and "behaviors" associated with BPD.  Teach her to at least spotting them so she doesn't feel confused about her mother's dysfunctional behaviors.  Maybe have her see a therapist who can teach her to cope ?  I think the key is for the child not to be confused by BPD mom's strange and inconsistent behaviors.  Once the child is not confused, she can love her mother the way she will be able to and not get hurt.  The key is that love is often unconditional and perhaps she just needs to know that her mom is not perfect and given the tools on how to deal with her imperfections.  It will be very hard for her to do, but it is a good thing that you will lend the support.  Good luck!

[Glenna]

Hi Bh8161,

I have a similar situation. My oldest grandson is 11 and the younger one is 9. They are very loyal to their mother and when she gets nasty and abusive to them they are shocked and stricken with sadness and confusion. When I am present I do not let it go. I tell her she is going too far and she should stop. Lately she has been accepting this without having a bad reaction. There was a time in the past when she would go on an hours long rampage when I said a very mild thing.

I cannot stand by when she abuses them. I would rather have the truth come out than have an ugly peace - it isn't peace anyway. I have sometimes, when she is out, told them gently that she has a problem with anger and that it is not normal for a person to rage the way she does and to get so angry with so little provocation. I tell the oldest that I am not trying to put him against his mother, but he needs to know that her raging is wrong, and that if she were herself and not 'upset' she would not do it. Which is true.

I am not advising that you do this. Others have said you must not say anything negative about their mother and I 'm sure there are sound reasons for this. Above all one does not want to make things worse for the children. But at the same time, I don't want my gc to think that abuse is in any way okay.

I would actually like to see a discussion of this subject.

In any case, consistent love from a Grandma is a very healing and sustaining thing. Your gc are fortunate to have you.

Glenna