How to stop THINKING

[LostGhost]

JQ,

As always you pose the big questions and offer sound guidance! I appreciate it! You seem to have a good grasp of my story and what I need to do.

I went to a restaurant and had a beer and burger just for you haha. It feels strange to sit alone doing that but I'll get used to it.

I like how you put the   when you talk about me possibly not blocking her number, as though you just know I won't yet. And you're right . I still haven't! I really have to convince myself. And you know exactly what I'm doing too (checking my phone every 20 minutes for a text). I've spaced that out to every few hours now by taking your advice. Maybe tomorrow it will be every four hours and the day after every 6 hours. Slow and steady!

This is an odd question but as I was sitting at the restaurant I was planning for my future but I kept coming up with excuses to hesitate. For instance... ."Maybe in a month or two I'll start dating again. No... .first I need to go to the gym, get more money, get a better car, get a house, get a bigger penis, get whiter teeth, change careers... .but wait to do that I'll need to do X, Y, Z in order for A, B, C to come true. Maybe I'll expand my business... .but first I'll have to do this!" And I've done this all my life sad to say. Can anyone else relate or at least point me in the direction of an illness or disorder or label that I might have going on? Why do I have these kind of circular conversations in my head? Is it normal or is there something deeper going on here that I should be concerned about?

I can only think I must have a bit of PTSD... .I "think" I need whiter teeth, because she stopped kissing me, so that must be it! But that all seems a little ludicrous. Learning a little bit more every day maybe it's just as simple as being afraid of rejection.

[enlighten me]

Hi Lostghost

Do you feel you need to be perfect to have the chance at a relationship?

Or are you just insecure about who you are?

[JQ]

L.G.,

Thank you for the words ... .but like you I've learned through experience ... .some good ... .some bad ... .but i the end I pay it forward to those who might benefit from it.  Thanks BTW for having that burger & beer ... .it's a good first step!  I know it might seem strange at first to do it by yourself ... .but actually it helped me in part to become a stronger person, know myself better. The same will happen to you ... .and if you do it on certain nights you never know who will be there doing the same thing ... .I've had a date or two just from the encounter having dinner. We shared small talk, then a beverage, a couple of laughs and then numbers.

You have to become more confident in who you are ... .it sounds like your put together pretty well ... .your own business ... .all these plans ... .you work out ... .now you have to add the self confidence. Think about it for a moment. Are women attracted to men who are shy, unsure of themselves, unknowing where they're going or what they want in the future? Or are woman attracted to men who are confident, "NOT" cocky with themselves, men who have goals, who want something better ... .remember women ... .ok ... .most women are looking for someone who would be a good provider, a good father, a good partner ... .someone who is going to protect them & the kids. You're not there yet ... .but you've taken some important steps towards getting there. Keep up the good work ... .

I see you were here when I checked online ... .then disappeared ... .I hope the hell you didn't answer a text or call from her. Remain strong brother!  I put the rolling eyes in there because I knew you didn't block her yet ... .I know your checking your phone every 20 minutes like maybe you missed the loud noise it makes along with the vibration? Really L.G.?  Turn the sound off, put the phone across the room so you actually have to get up, walk across the room & pick up the phone to check it. Then put it back down if you can't block her number yet. At least if you're getting up every 20 minutes to check for her text ... ."arf art  ... .arf art" ... .that's one of my dog impressions. SO anyway if you're getting up off the couch every 20 minutes to check for her text at least you'll be getting some exercise out of it.     Then you'll get tired of that ... .so just do yourself a favor & block her number.    "bow wow ... .bow wow ... .that's my other dog impression"  

As far as the odd question ... .what you're describing isn't any different then what I've done ... .I am ... .or I am a recovering perfectionist. I planned everything out ... .I had a 5 year plan before I retired from the military & followed it to the letter. So I would say you're a perfectionist to some degree putting in order the things you need to do in order to get xyz ... .abc needs to be done first then mnop ... .your thoughts?  If you're a perfectionist ... .and the incident with your BPD ... .you're not much different then us. Because I'm not a doctor even thought I play one on the weekend    jus kidding ... .or am I?      But you like a lot of us here are probably codependent ... .but only going to a therapist and working things out will you find that out. Thats why I'm a recovering perfectionist ... .not everything has to be done in a certain way or to a certain degree. I wouldn't be concerned ... .but some self evaluation under the guidance of a therapist isn't a bad thing.  I've learned that I had to learn why I was the way I was in order to make a positive change within myself and because I can make a positive change within myself ... .I can move forward to a better self ... .and to a better future and I can see the warning flags ... .   of someone with BPD & walk very quickly in the other direction being careful & avoiding direct eye contact ... . 

Oh and your PTSD ... .whiter teeth because she stopped kissing you ... .yeah not so much brother.  Your exBPDgf probably stopped kissing you for the same reason my exBPDgf stopped kissing me. We actually had a conversation about it ... .she saw kissing me was a form of intimacy that she didn't want to share with me just yet when i spent the last time with her. I pointed out that I could & did do other intimate things to her but you're not READY to kiss me? Really?  What I come to learn is it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. Not kissing your s/o with BPD is common I learned ... .they see it as a form or intimacy  ... .and if they feel intimacy they start to feel "engulfment". Now when they start to feel "engulfed" in the relationship they start to paint you black ... .they start to become distant to avoid the intimacy. It's a defense mechanism built into their personality from the traumatic event they experienced. Because a parent was absent or didn't protect them when they needed it most they felt abandon ... .this lead to over whelming feelings of hurt, shame ... .imagine how you feel right now of how your exBPDgf left you ... .you feel abandon ... .you have an ginormous amount of hurt. NOW multiply that by 10,000 times and that is what someone with BPD feels ... .so in order to avoid those over whelming feelings, to avoid the anxiety of being abandon, they avoid getting close ... .they avoid being intimate.  So see it has nothing to do with you ... .so cheer up ... .you don't need to spend a lot of money on getting your teeth bleached or have vaneers put on    I can't speak to the bigger penis ... .BTW ... .I watched a show the other day & they say the average is 5 1/ 2inchs so take that for what it is.    

Now take a deep breath ... .let it out slowly ... .relax ... .you're on a good path right now ... .have you blocked her number yet?

J

[LostGhost]

EM,

I think a little from column A and B. When I look at myself, I feel confident about who I want to be and what I want out of life. But I am starting to develop a fear of rejection and failure due to my failed relationships. I start to question... .is it me? I think I know it isn't, because she's left a trail of broken men behind her as she's gone through life, one of them dead now from suicide.

Do I feel insecure? Only due to my current life circumstances. When my circumstances change, that insecurity will go away. I realize my answers sound like excuses. I probably sound unconfident and insecure.  

JQ,

I think you and EM hit the nail on the head: perfectionist. I think I might have those traits for sure! I enjoy writing in my free time but many times when I begin the process, I stop and say... .no, first my desk needs to be organized. Well let's not stop there, may as well clean the whole room. Well I need a cup of coffee first, better go to Starbucks. Now I need the right kind of music while I write, better spend some time on youtube. Ok, everything in order? Now I can write! It's kind of exhausting  it would be nice to just be able to do something without having to satisfy a bunch of imaginary requirements

I went to therapy after my marriage ended with my ex wife. I didn't learn much about myself  other than I was devastated, depressed, lost my self worth. I was in there for a year to deal with the trauma and when I ended it I had just met my pwBPD. I remember thinking, "All this time the only thing I needed to fix me... .was to find an even greater love." Whoops! Wrong answer. I remember my therapist told me, "That kind of love isn't real. That kind of love is a disease." I obviously didn't believe him when I was getting love bombed with all the soulmate stuff, "your ex wife is nuts, you're perfect, I can't believe I finally found you! Let's have sex 5 times a day! We'll be together forever! We're the couple from the notebook!"

And yes I am definitely a guy with codependency, white knight syndrome where much of my self worth comes from what I can do for others. I have honestly no idea why. Therapist tried to dig deep but found nothing. I think he explained some people are a product of their environment while others just ARE.

Parents are great, loving people. Siblings great. Few close friendships, many acquaintances. No abuse or trauma in my past. I was bullied in school sometimes but not nearly as bad as most kids. Most definitely have codependent traits though.

I remember reading some article about 16 signs you're in an unhealthy relationship. I had all 16 signs. And it talked about codependency vs interdependence and I felt almost insulted. I felt this is how I choose to love! What's wrong with making my relationship my #1 priority?

If I was to blame anything, maybe it's because I'm a product of Disney. Too many Disney movies as a young boy. Boy rescues princess, they fall in love, live happily ever after. Also, both sets of grandparents married for 60+ years, parents just had their 50th. I really believed in all the soulmate stuff, star crossed lovers. Which is why I fell hard for my expwBPD. I believed every word she said. Maybe she picked up on my Disney ways somehow.

Don't worry! I didn't text her haha. Haven't blocked yet though. She hasn't texted me either. Not sure if I'm surprised or not... .a little I guess? Maybe a little hurt. She hasn't thought of me once today? Sad. I don't know what I'm waiting for when it comes to blocking... .I'm afraid of the unknown, of closing that door forever, making her think I hate her or am angry with her. Apprehensive too about the awkwardness because we work together in the same office (I'm not currently at work but returning soon, so I don't know how that will be this time around).

Gone through the work situation once before. For about a month she ignored me completely and I didn't exist. Had her nose up in the air and wiggled her ass everywhere she went like she was the goddess of the earth. Then one day we bumped into each other alone in a hallway. I just walked past her and then she stopped and I heard "Hi... ." over my shoulder. I turned to face her and she looked afraid, sad, dejected? We chatted... .and chatted... .for days and days, which eventually turned into the 11 month recycle that I've posted about.

You're all good people. Wise and experienced too! I know if you've survived your situations - some infinitely more destructive and heartbreaking than what I've gone through - I should be able to survive and thrive after this.

I had a life before her (I was in a bit of a personal hell though until she "rescued" me). I've heard the phrase "trauma bonding". Maybe that's what it is. We've gone through some awful things together her and I, like her ex's suicide, it's unique to us.

I remember when I got back with her, I had to put on a facade of brain damage. I had to force myself to ignore all the terrible stuff in the first relationship, pretend it never happened, to believe this was a Disney sequel. I try to imagine a third time with her, a fourth time. It must reach a point when it's just impossible to bury the past. Eventually there will be so many skeletons in the closet that there is nothing but skeletons.    

Also thank you for your last couple paragraphs explaining once again the mechanics of a BPD relationship. I should have this memorized by now but somehow it's always enlightening to hear it again from a different person in different words! I didn't do anything that caused her to stop kissing me!

Funny story... .I asked her once why we don't kiss passionately like we used to? And she couldn't give a coherent answer. About a week later she crawled into bed and started giving me tongue like a maniac (after 7 months of pecks and no sex... .we still didn't have sex though, but kissing was good enough) and I was like WHOA! There's my girl! Where you been? What did I do to deserve that so I remember for next time. Her answer, "I saw you give the cat water, that was sweet of you!"

Huh?   it was probably the hundredth time I'd given the cat water  Cooking dinners, taking her to the opera, music festivals, romantic walks, massages for hours, spa dates... .no kisses for that! Any insight here?

P.S. Still no text.  

Tomorrow is the beginning of day 2!

[enlighten me]

Hi lostghost

I can understand wanting to be a perfectionist as I am the same. I see it now as my insecurity causing it. People wont like me if Im not really good at things and have flaws. I think this bleeds into my other interactions as I judge people by my own standards and can hold them accountable for having flaws.

Its a hard thing to balance. While being a perfectionist at work or on a project can be a good thing it can also go to far. If I don't think someone is capable of producing something to my standards I will normally do it myself.

The question is how do we let go of this comfortably?

[JQ]

Enlighten me,

You've said a couple of things that I learned ... .as a perfectionist I judge others on how I would complete the tasking or mission or job. As I've become more self aware of my actions & behavior I've come to learn that it's ok if it gets done ... .as long as it works or the job gets done or the mission is complete ... .it doesn't need to be to the standard I would have done it at. I think in some small way I felt the same way, if I didn't do something good enough people would see it as a flaw ... .for me it comes from trying to obtain approval from my father who was always absent. Whatever I did, it was never good enough ... .so I would try harder & do better ... .it still wasn't good enough. So after many hours with a therapist I learned where mine came from ... .

L.G.

Do NOT look at your past relationships as failed but look at them as experienced gained as to what you don't want. Thomas Edison was asked what he thought of failing 5,000 times to make a lightbulb to finally have success. His response, "I haven't failed, I found 5,000 ways it didn't work". So as good as you might be ... .I'm pretty confident that you haven't dated 5,000 women ... .so keep trying!      

You've also learned a valuable lesson that you probably don't realize ... .NEVER ... .let me repeat this ... .NEVER date anyone that you work with!  Nothing good comes from this ... .we've all done it ... .and I'm sure it worked for someone somewhere ... .but normally it never does. I tried it not once ... .but twice after I forgot how the first one failed on a EPIC SCALE!

Oh the cat story ... .the answer didn't make sense ... .but my young Jedi ... .forgotten lesson you have ... .mmmm ... .BPD NEVER EVER WILL MAKE SENSE!  

Hey by the time you read this post it'll be time to check that phone that is turned up full volume  to check it again for her text like you missed hearing the noise & vibration      It's the weekend ... .relax ... .go work out ... .make plans to go to a buddies house & watch football & do guy stuff, drink a beer dude ... .and don't ... .DON'T ANSWER HER CALL OR TEXT!


Oh and tomorrow is day 3 ... .

[enlighten me]

lostghost

Something that helped me with the phone was to change my ringtone for my ex wife. That way I didn't panic every time it went off. I don't know if you can do this with texts from your ex as well.

It was childish but I changed her ringtone to gold digga. When it went off it made me giggle and changed my mood.

[JQ]

lostghost

Something that helped me with the phone was to change my ringtone for my ex wife. That way I didn't panic every time it went off. I don't know if you can do this with texts from your ex as well.

It was childish but I changed her ringtone to gold digga. When it went off it made me giggle and changed my mood.

Enlighten me !

MAN THAT WAS FUNNY! I spit my coffee out when I read that you changed it to gold digga ... .to freaking funny! 

L.G.

Enlighten makes does make a point ... .UNTIL YOU BLOCK HER ... .changing the ring tone will help ID who is calling from across the room so you can fall over the ottoman getting to the phone to answer her call ... .     

[LostGhost]

EM,

I think maybe I have a bit of a combo of perfectionism and OCD? I didn't do these things when I was with her though. I was much more spontaneous and open to just go with the flow! But now it seems I follow a sequential order. I did this before she was in my life so I guess I'm falling back to old habits because they're comfortable.

I need to try and take the best of who I was before her, who I was with her and who I want to be in the future and combine them to make a whole. Learning from all of my experiences and shaping them to benefit me would be of some use I think.

Good advice about the ringtone by the way! I'd probably change it to any Taylor Swift song. I swear that girl is the poster child for BPD!

JQ,

Back to day 0 of no contact. I forgot I had some artwork I made for her (that she was expecting). I texted her to make plans to exchange. Just going to bring it into the office to give her. But still a little disappointed in myself. I figured better to get this done now than day 20 of NC! But in hindsight I should have asked for advice here like you said and weighed my options.

You know me too well my friend you seem to be able to anticipate my every move!

You're right, it's the weekend... .I should treat myself to a movie.

As for going out with buddies, my buddies are the kind of buddies that are married, kids, full time careers. I see them once in a very blue moon. It gets worse as the years go by. I actually have no single friends. My pwBPD was my constant companion/best friend. But if I've been replaced I guess I lose that part of us too. I was hoping by now I'd be right there with them, married, kids, family. But nope! So gym, hobbies, coming here, my business and soon work. That'll be my life for the foreseeable future! I'm planning on signing up for some activities like dance, rock climbing, martial arts, etc. but in order to that I need X, Y, Z  

I don't have any more reasons to contact or see her that I can think of. So I can't avoid her at work but outside of work, I don't think she'll be bothering with me at all. She's not seeming interested in me romantically or platonically. I've been reduced to an acquaintance or memory.  

I'm sorry for failing master yoda! Train harder, I must!

[JQ]

L.G.

And so the clock starts at zero       Told you I did. Reckless is he. Now, matters are worse.

Clear your mind must be, if you are to discover the real you ... .Why wish you become Jedi? ... .Only a Dark Lord of the BPD knows of our weakness ... .mmm ... .The dark side clouds everything ... .Joined the Dark Side BPD she has. Lies, deceit, creating mistrust are her ways now.   A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, NEVER for attack ... .For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is ... .You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes ... .Try not. Do... .or do not. There is no try!  

Ok, that's enough of Master Yoda for now ... .

As far as going out with single buddies ... .umm dude ... .do you think that all your buddies wifes girlfriends are married off yet? UMMM ... .NOO !   Go watch a game over at their house ... .set up a bar b q ... .Halloween is coming ... .they'll need an escort ... .go with your buddy ... .the wife sees what a nice guy you are ... .maybe sets you up with a friend of hers ... .if that doesn't work ... .take one of their kids to the grocery store ... .yeah I've used that one ... .took my nephew to the grocery store ... .   If that doesn't work ... .dogs at dog parks are always a conversation starter ... .BUUUUT ... .before yo do ANY of that ... .you need to heal yourself ... .take some time ... .do the football thing with a buddy at their house, maybe even grill burgers ... .take something with you ... .

Your are not ready young Jedi ... .

J

[LostGhost]

LOL JQ, gave me a good late night laugh, thank you my friend!

No, ready I am not. There is much work to do to master the ways of the force!

I went through my computer/phone today and put all the photographs of the relationship onto a USB and stored it in the basement. Makes it so there's a few less triggers/reminders around.

I was surprised she even replied to my texts today. She seemed excited at first but then as the day went on it was more distant/cold as per usual. 4-5 texts compared to 20-30 we used to have just after post breakup. I MUST let go. Addicted to the power and pull of the dark side I am!

The clock has started over so we shall see what happens now!

I'll keep you posted as the situation unfolds!

Thanks again for your help and everyone else's too!

My ally is this community and the force is strong with it!

[JQ]

L.G.

you are welcome ... .laughter is the the best medicine they say.  I've got to give you some respect on taking the photo's off the phone, computer and putting them in the basement. Your right ... .less of a trigger or a reminder. Good on you ... .it really is a good first step.

The lesson to be learned with the texting ... .excited at first ... .she still has her hooks in you & your'e squirming trying to get her attention ... .she knows she still has the power over you ... .

Stay busy with other things ... .that's the key ... .whatever your hobbies are ... .some good music of choice ... .take in a football game ... .stop by a friends house you haven't see in awhile ... .call an old friend you haven't seen in a while ... .stay busy ... .occupy your mind with other things but thoughts of you're cell phone not making that "beep" from a text from her or the ring tone "gold digga"  ... . 

J

[LostGhost]

Hey JQ,

Thanks again my friend!

I didn't wake up feeling great today. I was reading another thread on here that led me to a depression test and after answering the questions honestly, it indicated that I was severely depressed. I may not have even realized this but I should have assumed.

I'm thinking perhaps therapy might be useful again after all, or psychiatric meds like SSRI. I don't feel hopeless yet though I don't find myself enjoying a lot of my days or activities. Life is starting to lose its colour and becoming a bit too monotone for my liking. I don't know if I need to treat this proactively or just give it time. I think what I'm experiencing is pretty normal given what happened. Fairly certain I'm not the only person on here who feels this way.

It's harder when I have to know she's just running around having fun, doing whatever she wants without any sadness or second thoughts. Need a fast forward button to skip the next few months of my life. I should view this as a learning experience and opportunity for growth but all I see it as is another crap experience. I know there will come a day when I barely think of this. My ex wife rarely crosses my mind any more and that was 13 years! So let's hurry up and get to that point already, please and thank you, brain/heart!

[JQ]

L.G.

Hey!  You are welcome ... .GET OUTSIDE & GO FOR A FREAKING RUN  BIKE RIDE  GET OUT & ENJOY THE WEATHER & SUN!   Depending on where you are in the world, winter is around the corner & you might be up to your knees in snow soon ... .so take advantage of it while you can!  You'll be surprised how much it'll do for you both physical, mentally!  As soon as I jumped on my bicycle & riding again it put me in a better mood! Working out the stress ... .frustrations ... .& getting the tonins in the blood stream!  

As far as the being in the dumps ... .you know we've all been there!  I would agree with the therapy ... .but I'm not much into the meds thing ... .when i was going through PTSD EMDR methodology & therapy in the military the doc wanted to put me on some heavy meds ... .thanks but no thanks doc. He said it would be beneficial for me ... .I said NO THANK YOU SIR!  He told me I"ll write you the script anyway ... .I said you can doc ... .but doesn't mean I'll take them!  You should of seen the look on his face ... .an officer being told NO from a Senior Enlisted ... .then I told him ... ."tell you what doc ... .lets try the EMDR ... .& the weekly therapy and see how that works ... .then we can readdress the med issue if we need to ... .agreed?"  He agreed to it.  I've seen to many of my military buddies in a zombie like status not to mention the weight they gained from the meds ... .sure in the hell didn't need the added weight gain adding to my issues.

Young Jedi ... .DO NOT ! REPEAT DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT THE HELL SHE IS OR ISN'T DOING OR WHO SHE IS DOING IT WITH OR NOT DOING IT WITH!   THIS SERVES NO PURPOSE BUT TO DRIVE YOU DEEPER INTO THE DIRT!  

Seriously ... .get out of the apartment / house / trailer / your cardboard box today and enjoy the weather!  Enjoy the small things ... .the leaves changing ... .the nip in the air ... .Google what is happening in your town today and pick one !   Go see a movie ... .Like "The Martian" , "Bridge of Spies", "Sicario", "Maze Runner, scorch trials"  OO IT!  Let me know which one you went to ... .then I want a 500 word report on it & ... .just kidding     But I'm thinking I have Bridge of Spies or The Martian or Sicario on my radar ... .

Have you even taken a damn shower yet today?  GET YOUR BUTT MOVING! GET OUT  ! GET OUT  !

let me know what movie you see ... .let me know if it's good enough to spend my afternoon matinee ... .

J

[LostGhost]

 

Ok man! Haha I'm getting out of my cardboard box today! I texted every friend I have to see if they want to go to the movies. If nobody does I'll just go on my own

I have showered don't worry haha! I still take care of my daily hygiene!

I'll stay off the meds for now! I'll wait another month or two and see what my status is like then. This NC isn't easy!

[JQ]

Ok man! Haha I'm getting out of my cardboard box today! I texted every friend I have to see if they want to go to the movies. If nobody does I'll just go on my own

I have showered don't worry haha! I still take care of my daily hygiene!

I'll stay off the meds for now! I'll wait another month or two and see what my status is like then. This NC isn't easy!

Ahhh ... .I knew that smell wasn't me ... .so you know ... .jus saying      

NC isn't easy in the beginning ... .but remember ... .30 DAYS MAKES A HABIT!  You can do this!   

[LostGhost]

JQ, go see... .the Martian! 

Put my headphones on, listened to some chill music and went for a 10K run in the park, smiled and waved at every attractive female I saw and they all waved and smiled back. It did help me feel better today. Thoughts of ex, her replacement, what they're doing on their first dates, are they doing all the things we did, experiencing that magical idealization together... .those are drifting in and out of my mind throughout the day. I'm trying to just banish those thoughts, because they're not welcome. Day 1 almost down.