Why do I look at BPD differently than other illnesses?

[Steve4444]

I go back and forth. Why should anyone put themselves through life with a BPD, even if you love him/her? On the other hand, if my BPDw was diagnosed with some other serious disease, I would be by her side all the way and never even think about leaving. This is a quandary for me. Do you feel that way? Any words of wisdom? I feel like a hypocrite thinking of leaving.

[lbjnltx]

Do you think sometimes that she has a choice in how she behaves and the things she says... .and chooses to hurt you?

The first post I made on this site was "what exactly can we hold the disordered accountable for?"

Through my journey I discovered that we can hold them accountable with reasonable expectations based on their level of coping skills.  Hold them accountable for what we know they know.  The areas where they don't have coping skills (untreated BPD) we still need boundaries and a our voice... ."It's not ok with me what you said"... .accountability without expectation.

The person with BPD in my life is my daughter, diagnosed with emerging BPD at age 12... .now 19.

lbjnltx

[Steve4444]

That is a good question and a question that I will have to think about. My first response is that she intends to say things that she knows will hurt when she is in a rage. When not in a rage or angry about something, I don't think she intends to say hurtful things.

If I were to go with "it's not okay that you just said that", a war would break out. It's exhausting. So I stuff a lot.

[lbjnltx]

Generally there is an extinction burst when boundaries are initially set... .

When my d would begin to rage at me my stated boundary in effect was "When you and I are both calm we can revisit this discussion" and I would remove myself from her presence.

I would first try to validate her emotions that we were running high though, as a parent, I might not be able to honor her request... .the ultimate answer of "No" or "Not this time" would set her off.  I wouldn't have much choice except to enforce my boundary for self preservation and to let her know that I wouldn't be raged at (verbally abused) hoping that she would learn to be respectful of me.

lbj

[unicorn2014]

Steve, if I may, BPD is a personality disorder which is a lot harder to deal with then another illness. A personality disorder affects the whole person, not just the moods, not just the body. It challenges your very notions of reality. As much of the literature states on this site, it requires a lot out of the non to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD. The non really has to decide if its worth the effort or not because the pwBPD may not ever get treatment, which is another thing that sets a personality disorder apart. Some diseases you have to get treatment for or you will die. A personality disorder is easy to ignore especially if you are high functioning. Its very easy for the pwBPD to think and say that other people are the problem.

[ArleighBurke]

I struggle with the same thought process.

If my partner was in a car accident and suddenly was wheel chair bound for the rest of her life - that would impact me A LOT. So much of my life would have to change to accommodate that. It would affect every area - car movement, home layout, sport, social outings, sex. And she'd probably be sad and moody about it as well.

Just like BPD affects everything. But is it different just because one is "mental" and the other "physical"? Is my unconscious thought that mental can be controlled/fixed/regulated whereas physical can't? I know that's wrong - I know that mental illness cannot be controlled but do I truely BELIEVE that? Do I truely believe that her behaviour is because of the BPD - or just because she's a spoilt b1tch?

Coping with a wheelchair bound partner would be hard - and I could imagine thinking selfishly about my own life and the effect on it - and whether I would stay with my partner or not - but I'd like to think I'd give it a whole-hearted try. Coping with my BPD partner - I have the same thoughts and questions. Would my life be better with someone else? Would I feel happier? What am I truely missing by staying?

I guess that's the choice we all have to make. Radical Acceptance - she is doing the best she can. And is that good enough for us or not?

[thisagain]

So, I have a physical disability that impacted my partner a lot. There were a lot of trips that got canceled because she doesn't drive and I was too tired or sore to drive. Going for a walk or somewhere fun often required her pushing my wheelchair (which is not what most 24-year-olds aspire to in a relationship). The distribution of household chores was uneven, and even the chores that were relatively easy for me to do sometimes couldn't get done. Recently we ended up living apart partly because of my need to be in a disability-friendly workplace with an easy commute.

The crucial difference, I think, is that if I handle my emotions about the disability appropriately, it does not interfere with our emotional intimacy at all. Yes, I was depressed, worried, or in pain and edgy sometimes. But ideally, I would be able to recognize how I was feeling and address it in a way that doesn't hurt her or put up a wall between us. Instead of snapping at her when I was irritable from pain, tell her my back hurts and let her hold me and rub my back. Vent some of my worries to my mom instead of my partner, so she doesn't get worn out trying to carry my burden all the time. Things like that.

It's very possible, if the physically disabled person is emotionally healthy and has a good sense of boundaries, to keep the physical disability from coming between the partners emotionally. On the other hand, the nature of BPD is that it disrupts the emotional intimacy.

[kairorose]

I too struggle with that point. Would I leave someone in a wheelchair? burn victim? NO

BUT that person in a wheelchair isn't hurting me emotionally... .its a tough call