How do I validate concern about me getting a job and being "able bodied"

[formflier]

So... .my wife... from time to time... tries to engage me in texting about "real" conversations.  Things that need to be discussed in person.  Lots of history here.

Couple nights ago she wanted to discuss childcare arrangements... .was concerned.  I got us drinks and we sat down on couch.  I said I was ready to discuss childcare.

She then starts asking me how many jobs I have applied for.  My reply was "I don't know... .I'd have to go look it up to be sure... "  She kept going on the job thing and "what the plan was".  Energy level increased from her side.

I expressed confusion that I had prepared to talk about childcare and was being asked about jobs and things I was not prepared to discuss.

"Ohh... we'll get to that... .don't you worry... "  (very ominous tone)

She started spouting off about what I was and wasn't doing about job search.  What my plans were (note... about 180 out from what I have said my plans are). 

I expressed that I would be happy to discuss this more in the future when I was prepared to discuss it and at some point I expressed that I was not going to do my job search "like I did before".

Basically... .before I think I concentrated too much on volume and not enough on quality.  The new job search is focused on the area we are moving to.  Last job search was to find a job and then we would move there.   

I left the conversation, she had a lot of pent up energy... not sure how she solved that.  Or maybe she didn't.

We never discussed childcare.

This morning I get the text from here after she gets to her teaching job.





(1st text) I understand you "aren't going to do what you did last time" but what you did last time lead to you getting hired... .You need to begin putting in resumes and finding a job. If u wanted to not work we cld hv planned for that years ago and only had two children. That's not what happened ... Your retirement/ disability plus what I can make and you make "on the side" is not enough. You are an able bodied 45 year old grown man and more than qualified and capable of supporting your family through a full time job.


(next text) One u enjoy and are good at.☺


Why I am asking for help.

I'm not an "able bodied" 45 year old.  I have significant service connected disabilities that affect all aspects of my life.  I spend most of my day "working around those" to get done... what I can do.

I have applied to VA to evaluate some issues that I think have gotten worse.  I have a good chance of being declared totally disabled by VA.  Either way I will still attempt to do what work I can do.

My wife routinely "claims" that I want to sit around and do nothing.  Work I have actually done is ignored... .even stuff she asked for... .and things I haven't done are all she wants to discuss. 

I don't have those conversations with her anymore.  I flat out refuse.  I'm nice about it... but I'm not "only" going to discuss the negatives.

No balance... equals... .no conversation.  (In reality... if she makes an attempt I balance... I go with it and have conversation)

My goal of this post is to learn to validate her concerns about the future (jobs, money) without validating the invalid (that I am able bodied).

I want to avoid yes you are... no I'm not conversations.

Last note:  She has argued with VA doctors about what is wrong with me and what the medication they prescribe does for me... .or what it is for.

It's a bit entertaining to think back to a doctor asking here... .incredulously... ."So... .you know this drug is for this ailment... .and you know this how?"

When the medical record in front of her said it was prescribed for another issue. 

I don't take her to VA doctor appointments any more... .

FF

[formflier]

 

If you saw me... you would assume I am able bodied. 

If you saw me getting up and starting to move around, very likely you would think something is off.  Once I'm going, I usually appear normal or maybe a slight limp or odd gate.

However, if you spent a couple days time with me and watched my daily habits, it would be obvious that there is lots of compensating.

In other words, my wife knows this but is either wanting to bait me into a fight or is choosing to fantasize that "I'm fine... "

FF

[Lifewriter16]

Hi formflier,

I might be muddling up your life details with someone else's, but I'm wondering if what you wife is really saying is: You should be supporting us so I can give up my job because I'm not coping with it.

Does that sound right?

Lifewriter

[Notwendy]

I don't know if pw BPD can fully grasp the discomfort of another person.

I saw something similar with my mother. If I had a stomach ache as a kid, and threw up , she assumed I did it on purpose. She didn't seem to grasp that this was not something I was controlling.

She also had trouble grasping my father's inability to do things when he was ill. This, I believe was far more frightening to her, as it triggered abandonment fears.

This may be at the core of your wife's behavior: fear. If your symptoms are becoming worse, or she sees you not being able to do something, it is scary. Now, you are a younger man than my father and heaven willing, will be around for a long time. But seeing a person that you love have physical issues is very scary. She may be thinking all kinds of scary things: will I be able to handle the home and kids? This would be scary for anyone, someone without BPD, but it may show itself in different behaviors.

For many people who are in some way financially dependent on a spouse, if the health of that spouse is an issue,then the survival of the family may be a fear.

[MaroonLiquid]

I saw something similar with my mother. If I had a stomach ache as a kid, and threw up , she assumed I did it on purpose. She didn't seem to grasp that this was not something I was controlling.

I remember I had a abscessed tooth a couple of years ago and my wife has never had tooth problems except a cavity or two.  It was my first time having tooth issues with her.  I literally laid in bed all weekend not able to move and the dentist was out of town over that weekend.  She got so mad at me, yelled and screamed that I was lazy and didn't want to help.  It was horrible.  Then a few months later, she got an abscessed tooth.  Since then, when I have had tooth pain, no peep from her.    I know that eventually what goes around comes around.