I really don't know what to do

[brazbeliever]

Hello to all, this is my first post in here. My gf was diagnosed with BPD about 2 years ago and we`ve been together for 5 years now. As you all know, our relationship is marked by lots of ups and downs, but by now I`m really tired. We`ve broken up a few times and she begged to come back, and I did. I don't know any more if I love her or if I feel compassionate or addicted to the cycle. Though I feel on the edge and burned out, I can't seem to break through... .Breaking up feels like impossible mission, and in part cause I`m one of the few left in her life. Does any one feel the same? I may have an opportunity to travel for a year next year, can it be the light in the tunnel at the end?

[Turkish]

Hello brazbeliever,

The make-up/break-up cycles sound draining. A diagnosis can be good, but is she actually in treatment? What's you current r/s status?

The traveling does sound like it may be a break for you, to gain some perspective apart from the cycle you've been going through. Perhaps this can help:

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

What's your feeling on this, on her?

Turkish

[Svarl1]

Hi,

Yes, I feel that i relate a lot to what you're saying.

I've now been with my partner for about 20 years and have felt ambivalence and doubt for almost the whole time.

I know what it's like to feel responsible for another person's survival - even though rationally I know we're both adults and so this is not literally or legally true - in the pit of the stomach it can certainly feel true.

You say that you're one of the few left in her life. What about your own life.? Do you have a good support network?  Is she in any way controlling, or hostile to your support network? If so, then you are on dangerous ground and you need strong boundaries if you are to even consider staying in the relationship.

In day to day drama and strife it can be difficult to think ahead,  but it may help you decide if you can ask yourself some questions:

Can you be yourself around your partner?

If you imagine growing old together,  does the thought fill you with hope, or dread?

Can you imagine bringing up a child together, giving the child a happy start in life?

The opportunity to travel could indeed be an opportunity to get some distance and perspective while you consider these questions.

[brazbeliever]

Thanks Turkish and Svarl1!

We are currently together, but we don't live together, what makes it a bit easier to cope. But her parents just came to know about her condition last year when she needed an intervention and was taken to a mental institution for a suicidal threaten. From that moment she's in treatment, she sees her therapist twice a week and is on lots of medication and is finishing her college majors. But all of this is still on me, you know. If I don't take her to her appointment, she won't go. The last time we broke up, she used this to kind of get me back, saying she would quit her treatment and drop off education.

And yes, I am one of the few left... .but looking now at my life and my support network I don't have much either... .She got controlling, and to avoid the drama I shut down little by little, so its basically her and my work colleagues now. Which I can count on one or two... .She had a disagreement with my family a few years ago, so I don't talk much about her to them and vice-versa... .

She isn't violent, or at least so far there hasn't been any episode of violence, but we don't live together, and when she brings up this possibility, it really scares me... .we have good moments, but they are now really rare and a question of hours before her mood changes to still silence and a "don't touch me, dont talk to me, but don't leave me" way... .

I care about her, I don't want her to be hurt in any way... .but I don't now... .

This work travel... .how do you think would affect her? I think for me its crucial, I can't see any far from this living inside of the circle... .

[Turkish]

Do you mean she brings up the possibility of you living together, or being violent? Is she aware of you traveling? pwBPD fear abandonment. You sound conflicted, but also needing to live your life. It sounds like you haven't mentioned this yet... What's the timeline here, when do you have to tell her, and are your travels a given?

[brazbeliever]

Thanks again for your reply Turkish.

I`ve told her already about the possibility of the travel. It`s not fully confirmed yet, but almost certain that I`ll have to go. Part of me wants to go to get away of this mess, and part don't want to leave her at a complicated situation... .As pwBPD fear abandonment, how would she feel when the time comes to drop me off the airport? And when she realizes I am actually gone, would it be a living hell or, like I read somewhere, it would be more difficult to me because pwBPD have no object constancy, if they don't see, they don't miss?

I get myself confused by this questions and lots of others... .I feel I`m haunted by the ghost of who she was at the beginning of the r/s. Really amazing.

About the violence/living together question, its complicated. I have to tell a bit more about us... .So at the beginning she was like a living dream, everything I dreamed of. This fase lasted for a year, and after this period we had our first fight. She had entered my facebook account and had read all my conversations with friends. She broke up with me, and told me she would only be back together if I deleted my account. So I did.

From this moment on, she got controlling, making excuses not to see my friends, making me get further and further away from them. She kept seeking information about what I talked about her on my cel, and if she found something about her, she would break up with me, only to have me asking her forgiveness and getting back together. As it turns out, I learned my lesson, I feel bad when I talk about her... .I consider a great step coming here and talk little by little whats going on... .your questions are making it easier to break this barrier... .

I shut down, stopped talking about the things I thought was weird to my friends and stopped hanging out with them, because she said all we did was drinking and smoking and nothing good at all.

Coming to the bullet point, our last break up, she caught up my phone, and read my conversations, as always... .but this time, she was more aggressive than the other times, when all she did was to crie and storm out and send me huge texts. This time she slapped on the face, told me lots of things saying I was no good, and attempted to through an armchair on me. Lucky for me, she isn't strong enough, and it fel on her foot. It was the only time she got violent. (Just to clear up, the conversation that got her angry was with a friend of mine that was also a friend of hers, and she though that this friend was hitting on me. But this friend was dating at the time. So, there was nothing there.)

So, when she talks about living together and moving out her parents house I get scared because of this behaviour... .I still don't realize how grave her condition is, maybe now writing this post I might... .I don't know if this can get worse than that... .

[letmeout]

Yes, it can get worse than that. You have no idea how much crazy a BPD person can get. Like most of us, we found that out the hard way.

It can be a struggle to let go and release them down their own path, but eventually we must.  It is some type of co-dependency thing, but you can accept that you were not put on this earth to tolerate or take care of someone else's disorder.

To be released from being someone's emotional caretaker is the best feeling in the world! Freedom from that and living a happy life is wonderful.

[brazbeliever]

Yes, I see what you`re saying... .But I think I get confused thinking that I can be happy some day out of this and she doesn't... .I know at some level this doesn`t make any sense... .does anybody feel like this? Or am I desperately in need of treatment?

[letmeout]

We know how you feel. You have been made to feel responsible for another adult who has BPD. Its a trick of the mind actually. It took me a long time to realize that I did not have to be the target of someone who was capable of taking care of himself. Somehow I was convinced that I HAD to be his emotional caretaker. That he HAD to have someone to take it out on.

Four years later, with the help of No Contact I am free and at peace with myself, and he is doing just fine on his own. He still 'takes it out' on those around him, but he is surviving and thriving.

Do not feel guilt for taking care of yourself, and don't worry about never being able to be happy. That comes easier than you think.

[Svarl1]

Hi again.

When you say you  "... get confused thinking that I can be happy some day out of this and she doesn't... ."

Do you mean that you don't know whether you can be happy out of it,  or that you think you could be happy but she would not be happy,   or that you think you could be happy but she doesn't believe that you could be happy?

In my experience the pW BPD can be very good at telling you that you don't know your own mind. So if you express some doubts about your happiness (or basically any opinion that they don't agree with) then they may be quick to tell you that you are confused, stupid, impulsive, oversensitive or whatever. I reckon they would rather believe such things about you than to accept that you have your own free mind and individual self.

Is this the case in your relationship?

I will second letmeout in saying that you do really have no idea how bad things might get. I didn't either before it happened to me.

If you just consider that a person could effectively deny the fact of your individuality, your humanity.  Then you are just like an object to them. Then see how people in the world treat unfeeling objects, especially when they are angry. An object is something one owns.

Don't let yourself become an object.

[letmeout]

BPD people are very effective at brain washing their targets. I think it goes with the territory of being little terrorists.

I was always felt so sorry for mine, which is why I stayed so long. The real shocker was finding out that he really didn't love me at all. He was incapable of feeling those emotions, but he could fake it, only when it benefited him.

Just knowing that part helped me tremendously when it was time to leave.

[brazbeliever]

Thank you all for your support! It`s been a while since I don`t have time to write back.

And I`ve been thinking about all the things you said.

1) When I wrote about being happy, I thought that I could be happy and she could not. But then I realized that I may be projecting on her my own feelings. She said lots of times that without her I would not be happy and move on with my life. Always depreciating me.

2) I do feel like an object to her. She doesn`t have many people around, but she is always texting when I`m around, always laughing when with her few friends. But with me it`s like my only utility to her is balancing her emotions. Or in other words, I have to stay beside her all day to keep her "safe", keep her emotions ok, even if she spends her day texting, sleeping or anything else. When she is angry or anxious, I`m the one she takes it out on.

I guess I`m deciding to leave. I`m really hoping that this 1 year away would help me to break up definitely. But what do you think about this? Am I keeping my hopes to high on this? In 1 year, does she have enough time to meet someone else or give up this relationship?

[Turkish]

Other than some people goining into Hermit mode, the chances are that she may find someone to fill her lonliness, someone to validate her worth. If she does, how will you feel about that?

[brazbeliever]

I don't know how I would feel. But I am exhausted. And all I can think about is that this could be a relief... .but I know that won't be easy for me to see that happening.

I guess I think that even if it hurts, I would be better after some time, and if I keep trying this r/s I will be worst than surviving a break up. I don't know... . 

[Turkish]

As painful as it was, I felt a sense of relief when my Ex left. Sometimes, I still miss her. It's tough to reconcile disparate emotions. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with living our lives based upon what we need, rather than being stuck like flies in amber living based upon the needs of others. It's finding balance which is hard. Even in a healthy r/s, there may be a dynamic of co-dependency. Finding the target of reciprocity, and what we are willing to accept (based upon our core values) is a journey from which we may not return.

[Svarl1]

Hi braz

Will 1 year be enough for her to break up?

Probably yes, however be warned:

People with BPD can form relationships quickly and she may well get together with someone else in the year. But their relationships also tend to be unstable (you know this).

So some time after you retun, with a new optimistic outlook on life and your defences down, she has a massive bustup with hee new partner.

Suddenly you're her white knight returned from exile to save the day!

You need to be ready for this because it happens.

Don't meet again on her terms (if at all).

Make sure you've built up a good support network,  so if you are going to meet your ex then you do it in a public place, with at least one friend present.

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO PERSUADE YOU OTHERWISE, OR TO CHANGE PLANS AT THE LAST MINUTE. Do not agree to leave with her. Make your friends promise beforehand to drag you away if necessary.

It sounds dramatic and extreme but you need to keep safe.

Best wishes

[brazbeliever]

  Geez! I forgot that part... .Well said, Svarl1.

I'm currently working on all the papers to go. Probably I`ll be going next July or September. If I really decide to leave, do I have to work on a detaching plan? I`m guessing the month before I go will be full of emotional drama, she has a cutting/ self harming way of coping with stress. And she knows that works on me. Thats one thing that really makes me go running to her and do anything to stop it.

I desperately need to work on this things. At some level, I believe thats part my fault, though I rationally know it is not. 

[genny867]

Travel. Get your head together and think about what you really want. What are your goals? Dreams? Can you realize these while caring for someone who WILL become more and more of a drain on you in every possible way?