(reposted here in "undecided" following advice... .initially posted in "staying"
Hi all,
Firstly great forum here. It was like a light in the black when i came across it last night.
I'll tell you about my situation. Any advice, comments, anything would be very gratefully received.
I am a 35 year old man. I began a relationship with a 38 year old female (suffering with BPD) 10 months ago after we'd been friends for about 4 years. We live in different countries (myself in the UK and my partner in mainland Europe).
We see each other frequently. Of these 10 months she has spent close to a month with me in the UK and I have spent 5 months living with her in Europe. Meaning around about 4 months we have had to spend apart.
The first two months passed without any great incident (I dont think she'd grown so emotionally attached to me yet)
On the third month I came to Europe to visit her for the first time. The two month visit was marred by several horrible 'events' I could not understand at the time. Later I would understand they were relating to her BPD.
After the visit ended and I returned home things only got worse. I was besieged by horrible messages, subject to guilt trips and controlling behaviour and everything was been made out to be my fault. It really seems the only thing I could have done during this time was not left my desk at home (I work at home).
She visited me for 2 weeks in the middle of this period of my been in the UK. We went for a romantic holiday away. This was marred by a BPD episode relating to a female friend (10,000 km away who i've never met) emailing me during this time. My partner went silent for a few hours then after asked what was wrong did a lot of shouting and screaming, threw a cigarette at me, and stormed off to sit in a bush alone.
The next 6 weeks inbetween her leaving and my returning to Europe was again just like the initial period (besieged by horrible messages, subject to guilt trips and controlling behaviour)
Finally I came to Europe again at the end of July to stay with her. This period has been marred by several BPD related incidents.
To add balance to the above. I undoubtedly should have read more about BPD, taken on board what she'd told me more about BPD (She's well aware of what she has), should have taken the steps i'd been told would help... .and perhaps various other things.
Perhaps the major problem I have is that I have started suffering with anxiety recently. Various postal issues have meant that my medication has not reached me in Europe and i've had to go cold turkey off the medication (which adds to my problem). So i've found it hard to stay calm when seemingly been attacked by the BPD.
A major problem on my partners side is regarding treatment.
The European country she lives in means she has to pay astronomical charges for medical care (a simple visit to the doctor can be around $1000).
After the problems we faced in March/April (While I was in Europe) I stated the only way I could stay with her was if she went through treatment. She agreed. She made a couple of visits to the doctors and at least one visit to see a therapist. Initially she was put on a medication intended for short term help (this worked wonders and there were no problems during this period) but then was put onto another form of medication which seems to be doing nothing good at all.
In recent weeks she received the bills for the visits to the doctor and therapist. Due to the size of them she stated she would cease treatment. This worries me greatly.
Also I saw on Saturday. following a BPD incident on Friday, she had self-harmed again. This is the third time I have seen her do this. She makes lengthy incisions into her thigh. The whole length of her thigh from the knee up. She has also once, about a month ago, told me she was considering suicide.
Regarding the self-harm I have some questions... .
Is this a warning sign that a suicide attempt could be close?
Who do I speak to about this? (It is recommended I speak to her therapist/doctor but she essentially doesn't have one)
I have cut short this latest visit to see her and am returning home a few days earlier than planned due to not been able to cope. This has made things worse.
I really dont know if i want to or even can live with this forever. If i knew she was undergoing treatment then there would be some light at the end of the tunnel but that light seems to have gone.
My plan is to go back home (1st Nov) to gather some strength and read more on the subject. Then return to be with her at the beginning of December and stay for Xmas and New Year.
I do love her but a happy man has this year become on the most part quite miserable, scared and feeling quite bullied and abused.
Original Post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285002.0
