BPD gf cut me off electronically, but receptive in person

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I feel like my BPD/Bi-polar gf is giving me mixed messages as to whether she wants me gone from her life or not.

background post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284477.0

Posting here as she's blocked me on facebook, snapchat, and tells me she has blocked both my cell numbers. She has quit dancing (pro ballerina) and has isolated herself from everyone. Hermit + gym life.

Yet when I have gone to her house, she's let me in and openly talked to me, been receptive to my comments, etc.

I last saw her 4 days ago.

She's told me she doesn't want to be around people because she feels nothing, is a shell, empty, and doesn't want to hurt people. I countered this by saying I will stick with her regardless, and that her coldness doesn't hurt me.

To me, she has no facial expression, "different" eyes, monotonic voice, can't make eye contact, fidgets, has a child-like state about her. Totally different from the energetic, smiley, zany girl I know.

I told her I'm still committed as her bf, which she didn't react negatively or positively to.

I also told her if she wants me gone from her life I am happy to leave her in peace - which she also didn't respond to.

I said I'd like to be there to provide her an escape from her loneliness if she wants to hang out with no obligations for intimacy or deep conversation, and she said she'd like that.

I did ask her to unblock me but she didn't say she would - and hasn't.

Anyway, I am planning to next visit her tomorrow (Saturday) daytime. I'll take something we can do together; like an art book etc.

Has anyone experienced this, and does anyone have an idea on what may be up?

My feeling is: she's so wrapped up in her current state that she can't even contemplate our relationship, that it's nothing to do with me personally, and she genuinely doesn't feel or know anything right now.

My game plan is to keep dropping around every 5 days or so to maintain contact and show her I care. Until she either warms or tells me to F off.

[nzjay]

I feel like my BPD/Bi-polar gf is giving me mixed messages as to whether she wants me gone from her life or not.

background post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284477.0

Posting here as she's blocked me on facebook, snapchat, and tells me she has blocked both my cell numbers. She has quit dancing (pro ballerina) and has isolated herself from everyone. Hermit + gym life.

Yet when I have gone to her house, she's let me in and openly talked to me, been receptive to my comments, etc.

I last saw her 4 days ago.

She's told me she doesn't want to be around people because she feels nothing, is a shell, empty, and doesn't want to hurt people. I countered this by saying I will stick with her regardless, and that her coldness doesn't hurt me.

To me, she has no facial expression, "different" eyes, monotonic voice, can't make eye contact, fidgets, has a child-like state about her. Totally different from the energetic, smiley, zany girl I know.

I told her I'm still committed as her bf, which she didn't react negatively or positively to.

I also told her if she wants me gone from her life I am happy to leave her in peace - which she also didn't respond to.

I said I'd like to be there to provide her an escape from her loneliness if she wants to hang out with no obligations for intimacy or deep conversation, and she said she'd like that.

I did ask her to unblock me but she didn't say she would - and hasn't.

Anyway, I am planning to next visit her tomorrow (Saturday) daytime. I'll take something we can do together; like an art book etc.

Has anyone experienced this, and does anyone have an idea on what may be up?

My feeling is: she's so wrapped up in her current state that she can't even contemplate our relationship, that it's nothing to do with me personally, and she genuinely doesn't feel or know anything right now.

My game plan is to keep dropping around every 5 days or so to maintain contact and show her I care. Until she either warms or tells me to F off.

[LostGhost]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I understand how frustrating and confusing it can be  I was in a similar situation myself. It sounds like you're in the push phase of the usual push/pull. She might be in the process of devaluing or painting you black. From my experience, their words don't match up with their actions. Mine would often make very serious sounding claims that turned out to be false. When she discarded me she said "I won't date again for years! I need so much therapy now to heal!" Did she get therapy? Nope! And she was on dating websites within HOURS of breaking up with me... .

Be careful how much you invest in her. She doesn't appear willing or capable of investing much in you and you haven't done anything wrong.

The emotionless, empty, featureless appearance you describe is what mine looked like when she was "disregulating". I'm not an expert but it usually means their emotions are overwhelming them and causing intense pain, fear, guilt, shame and that you've become a trigger. These are self preservation mechanisms built into the core of the pwBPD.

Good luck my friend. I'd offer advice if I could, but nothing I ever did worked. You can validate and use SET, that's a good start, but no guarantee.

[nzjay]

Lost Ghost; ironically I was just reading one of your posts. I'm sorry for the hell  you've been though! it does seem there are similarities.

Your comments are very useful. I had not heard of the S.E.T approach before, but upon reading it this is what I have been practicing during my unannounced visits to her house. Now I've read a little more, hopefully I can use the technique more efficiently.

Ironic you mention dating sites. I made a blank tinder account because part of me expected gf to appear on there, so I'm keeping an eye out haha. We met that way.

She's about to lose her licence for a manic DUI incident, so will probably place more value in me soon. Whether that is healthy or not, I'm unsure. But I am comfortable using a convenience as an opportunity to try and work with her.

With the disregulating - it started after she attended a therapy session aimed at getting on meds for her bipolar. That session triggered her shutdown - until that moment we were flowers and roses. So I am unsure the shutdown is directly aimed at me, perhaps more because I am her closest current relationship and the most likely one to push for emotional closeness... .which she is running from now.

You're correct in advising caution on investment. Since our last contact, I have begun consciously distancing myself emotionally. Just to the point where I am not in panic / rush mode to get our relationship back to normal. I've accepted it may be a long process, and I told her I accept this.

However, if she reappears on tinder I'll use that as my queue to cut her off and move on, because I don't need that level of paranoia in my mind.

Anyway thanks a lot for the advice buddy - it helps. And I wish you well, too.

[LostGhost]

Thanks nzjay! It sounds like you've got a great handle on the situation and a plan for either outcome. That's always a good way to operate... .expect nothing, be prepared for everything!

I often wish I could be stronger and make the right choices. It's always a struggle but there's a forward momentum even if some days I take five steps back. This community is my greatest support because most of my social circle doesn't understand/care. They all adopt the mentality of "get over it!" or "there's plenty of fish in the sea!"   

I think you're doing the right thing by gently reminding her that you're there for her (alleviates abandonment fears) but also not being overbearing (reduces engulfment fears). It's hard to say how she will react long term. They all have "object constancy" issues which I am still learning to understand. If you're out of sight, you're out of mind. I don't know if this is within minutes, hours, days, weeks. Maybe someone more experienced can offer more input. It's been 24 hours since I've heard from mine and I haven't reached out. If she has a new supply to keep her occupied, she likely won't reach out to me.

Their contact is very often "need" based. If you can fulfill a need of theirs at a particular moment, they might reach out. So this license situation of hers will likely lead to her reaching out to you, I suspect.

I'm interested to hear how everything goes with you tomorrow. Good luck! Expect nothing, be prepared for everything!

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Were you invited to come visit,  any I can relate,  my current girlfriend is being thier for me in ways I can'tor dont want to be myself,  hell I can't even ___ her.  She's very nice and asks me all the right questions.  Yet I don't know what to say, because half the time I don't know what I feel.  It's odd, I prefer her the most when I'm reaching out to her, not when she's asking me questions,  why because it's mixed in with her expectations.    She means well, but ultimately wants me to respond with love, because she is being thier for me.  Amazing women.  So what helps me most.  When she honestly just listens, which she does, yet then tries to use what I say to highlight her love for me.  Ugh,  thats hard,  I need to deal with my own ___, not feel like pushing someone away because I feel guilty.  So listen.   Do even thin about kissing, holding hands sex, or any of that crap.  Their is no way I could have sex with my girl how I am feeling.  Hugs are good.  That does feel good.  Yet she tries to get a kiss in and scares the crap out of me.  Anyway.  I was on the other side too took me six months to get a BPD ex back it took six months of listening,   no sex no kiss, no talking about us.  And she doesn't love me and we don't talk, but I did honestly save her life, and she does love someone to, herself.  And that sir is amazing.  I wish you the best of luck.

[problemsolver]

I rarely look up here these days as my r/s has been over so I'm just healing... .But my BPDex did this exact thing I was off everything... #blocked... But when I would see her in person and she would act like my girlfriend... My friends would all look at me and raise their eye brows... As to say oh we didn't know you guys are still dating... Imagine walking  , flirting with , hugging , lightly teasing with a girl in public but I couldn't text her even if I wanted to just say hey... 0 lines of communication... So eventually this drove me up the wall... Although you sound more emotionally stable then me... I just felt like I was being used... For about 2 months I was CONSTANTLY Blocked and Unblocked via text... Imagine texting someone and not knowing if its gonna go through ... Texting normal on a Friday blocked by Monday for no reason... It drove me crazy... Unbelievably, I'm unsure how I put up with it for that long... .My R/S ended doing what you did... On a Thursday we were texting as to what we could be... .Because I WAS EXHAUSTED trying to understand this girl... Imagine my delight blocked  in the Friday... I said a enough. Is enough. Went to her house... Originally happy to see me as I was leaving I asked to be unblocked which caused an argument... 5 mins after leaving "I want nothing to do with you"... I tried reasoning a bit... Thought it would blow over... But it only got worse from that day on... .Haven't had a conversation of any substance since then ended  with horrible communication

P.S. When she was going this blocking behavior she was "dating" her ex boyfriend... Or emotional back with him / physically... Soo basically the behavior was slowly pushing me out of her life without actually losing me.

. Although like I said I was painted white but I was getting annoyed and I was pushing and proding which got me blocked for the "last time" I was feeling used... And I was essentially boyfriend # 2 but I didn't know it at the time... You can make the argument she just needed time to think we she wanted in her life but you can also look at this way that could of went on for MONTHS'... .As the poster above. Said you can waste a full year of your life playing the night in shining armor... Only god knows what she's really up to... Despite what she tells you my BPDex was doing the same "oh gosh everyone abandons me" ... ." lets stop talking for now" ... "let me come to you" long story short don't be as gulliable as I was don't get sucked into word's... She was able to say all these things while sleeping with another boy?...

not saying your girl is doing the same but don't be so soft about it keep your guard up protect yourself... Take what she says with a grain of salt don't hang on her every last word as if it's the law... You don't know what she's up to when your not around mate... .I wish you good luck though

[nzjay]

@Lost Ghost: I think anyone in situations like ours, will feel like they made mistakes by the time they really know what's going on. It's certainly not what you expect from this person you've become so attached to. She gave me so many warning signs of being severely mentally unstable, but it took nearly total cut-off before I put two and two together and reached out for this forum.

Abandonment / Engulfment, both good terms and ones i will keep in mind. I used the S.E.T approach today actually - so thanks for the help bud.

@Asgoodasitgets: No, I wasn't invited either of the three times I've been around. we've had zero communication outside of my visits. Hence why I'm being really careful in my style and frequency of approach, as I don't want to seem like a stalker! My girl did give me a couple of hugs but I didn't push her physically because I can tell she's not emotionally in the zone for it, or at least doesn't want to show me she is.

@problemsolver: yeah man, I've been watching tinder for a sign she reappeared, as that would give me a clear and final message. But I am 100% confident there's no other guy on the scene, while at the same time being aware that could suddenly change. So thanks for the warning. Definitely a case of expect the unexpected... .

it's crazy seeing so many similarities in your stories. And fairly worrying ha.

[nzjay]

So, my visit today:

Turned up about 10:30am with some snacks and a colouring book + pencils.

She came straight to the door and opened it this time, and was immediately more engaging / defiant than last time. Last time she wouldn't make eye contact and seemed very sad; this time a pronounced difference - more defiant and almost seemed amused to see me there.

I explained I was there to see how she is, see if I could help at all. Told her I know she's in a bad way, and that she might be mad at me for persisting. And said I wanted to talk about a compromise going forward. Short story to save people reading my novel:

-She still feels the same; no emotion, cold, cut off.

-However! She told me she does this all the time; activates defense mechanisms and cuts people off.

-Said "you don't take no for an answer, do you?" I told her if she told me to leave and never come back, I would respect that, but she didn't continue that line of talk.

-I told her I know her funk won't be permanent, and that I want to support her when needed and be there at the end of it.

-I asked her what advice SHE had for ME: she said "wait".

-I told her the lack of communication and visibility is not working for me, hence my random visits, and asked if she would compromise with me. She asked in what way and I suggested:

-Re-add me on facebook so we can have visibility and communication lines open. In return, I respect her by not flooding with contact or dropping in at her house any more. She agreed to this, though didn't immediately do it of course.

-She said if she does this, we will be starting from the beginning again, and not to expect things to immediately be as they were. Unsure what this meant; presumably she doesn't want me pressuring her about relationship stuff immediately.

-My flowers from last time were still there, which means she hasn't been trying to cleanse memory of me.

-She asked me to leave the colouring book and pencils there for us to do another time.

-She showed me some art she has been doing lately, and told me she uses colouring to meditate quite often.

-We chatted about small stuff a while longer, then a hug and I left.

-I felt like she didn't want to admit to appreciating my gestures or thoughts, but I have given her many opportunities to "out" me and she's not taken then.

-Her mentality has definitely changed, and she has more energy and attitude about her again. Not particularly in a fond way toward me haha, but I felt I was breaking the ice a little.

So where to now? I do believe she will resume FB contact with me, but will likely make me wait.

If she doesn't, what should I do? Do I wait 7 days NC and then visit again? Longer? Never?

I feel strong, she's not breaking me down, and I have always remained calm and collected when talking to her.

I guess after that visit, I feel ambient. Not panicked but not elated either. If she re-adds me... .I will feel I've made real progress.

[LostGhost]

Seems like you handled the situation well and offered a reasonable compromise to her. I'm not sure what to make of her mood. It seems like a very fragile atmosphere, like a bubble expanding. It could continue to expand and float away happily or it could burst at any second.

I don't know what advice to offer, as she seems very neutral. She's neither telling you to go away or to come closer, however she did say to "wait" so I suppose that's what you should do? Do you have a shared interest in art? I'm an artist myself. Maybe you could spend this "waiting" period doing some things you really enjoy so you have something new to talk about when you see her again. Some art you worked on because you were inspired by hers. Some new classes you've been taking. I would put the relationship talks on hold, put her in the back of your mind for now (hard as that is). I'll wait for more experienced members to chime in!

The end of my romance resembled this. She seemed to be appreciating my attempts to be there for her, while keeping distance and not really leaning in either direction of coming back together or splitting for good. I surprised her with flowers (still had key to her house) and she really liked them, said they were her favourite. Then the cats knocked them over and made a mess   

This sort of super best friends scenario went on for a few more weeks until the contact was so sporadic, cold and very one sided. I assume replacement  hopefully it doesn't go that way for you my friend!

[problemsolver]

Yup our stories are the same I also did what you did "add me back to snap chat , instagram... etc let's go back to that" she agreed in person then declined both requests... To be honest I scuffed at the idea of her having a new boy as well... i was partially right of course it wasn't a new boy it was an ex ... .you need to be honest with yourself what are you really trying to gain?  What exactly is she waiting for a new love interest?  :)oes she really need space... How long is space man 12 months , and she wants you to just sit here and wait... what are you waiting for? Honestly the poster above me is correct... my situation went the same... Once the romance was gone it was done... i did what you did for a month or two. . Take her out for ice cream , try to be nice... .Like I said i got impatient thinking what the heck am I doing this for... .I wasn't okay with going from her boyfriend ( texts all day everyday , sex 3 times a day)... to basically a friend? A caretaker who would wait for her take her out IF i was lucky I can send her a text? F That man c'mon that's horse... I couldn't handle that drop off... lover to friend zone joke within a month? The role didn't suit me and I lost it... .I was like you "where is this sexual soul mate I met" I was begging inside me for the Idolizing phase/ honeymoon I kept thinking do this do that she will be back to normal. . Nothing worked. Once that intial spark is gone it's gone. ... I became to soft to predictable "wow I care about you so much I'll wait". I wasn't the man she first met... The real me would walk away from that bs treatment... .none deserves that sh**... I tamed myself to try and kill her insecurities. . But it only made me boring all that did was push her away to new pastures... she conquered me... She probably had a sexual partner over the summer months now she's onto a new challenge if the past is the best predicter of the future of course... .her social media seems to hint towards a new sexual partner. . Or BF... Long story short she's well moved on and  I'm posting on here you know? Thinking about her. . Because I gave so much investment to this girl and she stopped trying A LONG TIME AGO... as yours is now... i just kept thinking why is she not putting effort in? Does she not care to lose me?

BPD is hard enough to treat... BI Polar is confusing enough. . Both combined? ... .you have to understand this is her ... she won't change despite who she showed you when she met you. . This is the real her and she will do this to the next and the next and the next... not her fault per se but this is who she is. A good quote is "alot of people want the girl but can't handle the reality of her" ... .despite how nice or sweet or sexy she may be ... you may have to look yourself in the mirror and say hmm well the real her just isn't for me. . And that's okay man. You did your best , what else can you ask for? Her thoughts most likely have no logical reasoning to them... constantly put in a lose lose... she might look the part ... example make up wise ... may look good but mentally she's not well mate. There won't be any good logical reason as to why she does what she does... my BPDex unblocked me on a friday we spoke well into Saturday nighy I went to sleep thinking WOW she's back were on the right path... blocked on a Monday. . I ask why? She says you didn't msg me all weekend in my head I'm like what the heck I was giving her space... but look how small that margin of error is... a day of silence she took as rejection. . 1 day... it took 2 full weeks for her to reach out after that... with a "he" we exchanged a few texts. . Blocked. . I ask hm well why did you block me? I did nothing wrong her response "i was hinting you to come over , you didn't get it... and it was getting boring" we literally exchanged 6 msgs... and she made no such hint in s logical mind... .but like look at that treatment?  Oh I didn't get the response I wanted BLOCK... .like it just seemed like she was having a laugh at my expense... .but she believed what she was doing was fine... she saw nothing wrong with that... .  A person with BPD gave me this advice "if she's as troubled you say she is... her actions/thoughts won't make sense... she's a lost cause. . You're gonna go crazy trying to make sense of her"... .they just think much different ... feelings = reality. He's dead on. . But she still is on my mind , you know it's not easy but their isn't any good that can come from staying to long

Considering I could have wrote this thread myself. . I lived it recently man... My advice is have 0 expectations... .don't try to "text" the romance back. ... don't be overly lovey dovey dont talk about feelings all the time... speak to her when you can and see where it goes... .don't get your hopes up though... if it feels like it's a lost cause it is... If you feel you're always reaching out your wasting your time... .look how much energy your putting into this girl... I was the same I gave her everything... a ton of investment and energy. . But at the end of the day she didn't reciprocate... as your girl is not showing any effort as well... Where's her effort? ... what is there to gain? This can go on for months YEARS of mixed msgs... like I said I could of wrote this man... she didn't tell me to stay or go... "we shouldn't talk FOR NOW" ... " let me come to you in 2 months maybe I'll be rdy" like what? I kept thinking what the F am I waiting for... I was in a R/S commitment wise but I was not reaping any benefits of having a partner if I moved on I lost her... If I wait I could be waiting forever I lose... if I pursued her I was being too pushy I lose... lose -lose - lose situation... it can be next October and you've only had a handful of convos... maybe sex a few times... but the longer you stay the more you invest. . The longer you'll put up with bs... like I said it's not every day I read a thread I could write... if it feels like it's done it's done walk away with your pride , ego and mental strength in tact... if she really wants to reach out she wil.

Ill check this thread later good luck.

[LostGhost]

Hey nzjay, I have to agree with everything that problemsolver has said because I was in a very similar circumstance.

I was devalued significantly for the last months of my relationship. I feel my ex was trying to get rid of me but I never gave her a good reason to. Until one day I went out for coffee with HER male friend. She broke up with me by text while I was out with him. He was shocked and said it was BS, she's done this many times, they never liked any of her exes, she always dates losers, finally gets a good BF and discards him for no reason? He texted her and said he's taken the time to get to know me, knows my character and says I'm the best she's ever had and likely ever will have, she's making a mistake. He told me to tell her fine, if that's what you want, no problem... .and walk away. So I did! And about fve hours later she texted me saying she didn't know what she had until it was gone, please come home and we can have our night like we had planned. And her friend told me not to but I gave in and went home to see her. Spent the night with her. We had a great time (no sex) but just a lot of fun and good conversation.

In the morning she said this was all stupid and I should stay. But I took her friend's advice and told her we should be apart for a week or so just to cool off and give ourselves some space. She cried. I cried. And she left for work and I packed some things and left.

After my ex and I "split up", we spent the next weeks talking almost every day. Then I was taking her out on dates, ice cream, movies, dinners. We then went to a wedding together and all hell broke loose. I have NO idea what happened. But I've never been treated more disrespectfully. She practically tortured me psychologically and emotionally. Pushed all my buttons. And we didn't speak for two weeks after... .until she liked a post of mine on facebook and we started talking again.

And finally I was also going over to her place nearly every other day to fix her house up for her to sell. This was A LOT of work, time and money on my part helping her out. Sometimes I'd go over there at midnight to help her out. When we were at her house alone together and I was painting or patching up walls or whatever, we'd be flirting, dancing, singing, acting like we were a couple again. She'd tease me, touch me, get me to touch her. She'd show her ass off and say things like "you didn't come all this way in the middle of the night just to paint did you?" And I'd laugh and say no. Then I'd end up massaging her or whatever. No sex though, because we were "just friends". If I tried she'd push me away or laugh in my face "ha ha ha I know what you want!"

Well, once the house was fully complete and every last bit of work had been done, all her stuff moved out etc. I rarely heard from her after that. Everything became extremely one sided. Always me texting her, asking how she was, asking if she wanted to go out and do something. And the answers became "not today, I'm busy doing this or that, maybe another time".

She updated her profile pic and a bunch of people I'd never heard of before were liking/commenting on it, so I added my own comment and like which she deleted. I thought I just forgot to hit submit so posted it again and she deleted again. I asked her about it and she said "yeah xxxx I'm sorry! I deleted it! People were asking a lot of questions!" I said... .ok... .I didn't mean to offend you? I thought it was funny? And she said "It was funny!"

Well, I didn't appreciate being brushed under the rug like that, like I didn't exist. I asked her later that night to tell me what was going on. I sensed the dynamic had changed and she said "you make me uncomfortable with the things you say. I want to be friends but I know what you're after". Huh? I told her I see her point of view but also there was about a dozen guys on there complimenting her, telling her she was beautiful, sexy, asking for her number etc. and that doesn't make her uncomfortable but I do? I'm not doing anything different? "Yeah but I know what you're after xxxx. They're just joking around so it's ok!"

Riiiiiiiight... .

And now I've recently been struggling to go full NC. Because it's time for me, for problemsolver, for you... .to realize we have been investing way more in our exes than they ever invest in us. That's the only question you ever have to ask yourself. ":)o I invest more in her than she does in me?" If the answer is yes, the attraction is dead, gone. She's moved on. If they still wanted us, thought about us, cared about us, masturbated themselves silly desiring us - believe me, they'd be reaching out, investing in us. But they're not are they? When's the last time you were asked genuinely by your partner, how are you, what are you up to, how's your family etc. I'm going to guess never!

We're sitting around thinking of them, what we did wrong, what we could have done better, what our next move will be, what she meant when she said this or did that. But the time has come to focus on ourselves. Whether we want them back or not doesn't matter, the answer is still the same. Take all that time, energy, commitment and invest it in ourselves. Exercise, become more fit and active, take up new hobbies, make new friends, show them we're having a great time without them, go on some dates with fun and attractive people, make our exes a little jealous. Show them we do not need them to live our lives. Suddenly they will probably kick their investment in us into high gear but the difference is we now have a choice whether we want to invite them along to share life with us or tell them to take a hike.

Don't be a doormat like I was. As many others have pointed out, it's all about control for them. If they wiggle their ass and you come running, they have control. If they give you that "look" and your jaw drops, they have control. If they text you and you text back right away like you've got nothing else going on in your life, they have control. They don't need much to confirm to themselves you're still on their hook! They can have their cake and eat it too! My ex is addicted to attention and affection and right now she's not seeking it from me, so she's getting it from somewhere else! But if I text her "Hey how are you feeling today?" And 7 hours later I get a reply, I can almost imagine her sitting there with that twisted little BPD grin on her lips as if to say, "He's still mine!"

It's time to take back control of our lives! I only say this because I've been there, I'm still there! It's unattractive, not just to pwBPD but to any woman. So my advice is work on yourself, cut the strings of control, you're not her marionette.

That's my long story to say friendzone is not fun. You give and give and give, they take and take and take. Then suddenly they're dating some loser and you're scratching your head like what? He's not even her type! But how? It's because that guy is investing next to nothing in her which makes her want him, she has to hook him! The challenge is exhilarating. Even more so for a pwBPD. Feelings are facts! And she'll do anything to get him under her finger! If she does, he will end up just like us though.

Yours might not be talking to anyone else... .but I tell you to be careful. Don't get your hopes up. Don't have expectations. She's keeping you off of facebook, snapchat, whatever because she either doesn't want you to see what she's up to/associating with or doesn't want someone else to see you!

Seeing you in the privacy of her home is a controlled environment. Same way I was brushed under the rug like a dirty piece of filth - I don't exist, gives her the appearance on social media of being single and ready to mingle (which she is). And if she's devalued me to all her friends and family, this is a way to keep up two facades at once. One facade where she messages me in private like everything is fine, and the other facade where she presents me as a bad guy to everyone else (see why won't he leave me alone! I even deleted his facebook comments! What a loser ughhhhhh!).

I feel for your situation and for problemsolver too  keep us updated. Stay strong nzjay!

As always, this is just my experience/opinion. Something else may be going on with your situation. Maybe others can give you advice. My advice, trust your gut. Really take the time to listen to what it tells you.

[shatra]

lostghost wrote---

":)o I invest more in her than she does in me?" If the answer is yes, the attraction is dead, gone. She's moved on. If they still wanted us, thought about us, cared about us, masturbated themselves silly desiring us - believe me, they'd be reaching out, investing in us. But they're not are they?

----Well it may feel that way to you, but remember she is a BPD.  Just because she doesn't reach out doesn't mean she doesn't care. They do the push-pull even when they love you.  They are afraid of investing in you, and even when you over-invest in them, text them, cater to them, they still fear you will abandon them one day... .which leads them to ignore you at times

[LostGhost]

lostghost wrote---

":)o I invest more in her than she does in me?" If the answer is yes, the attraction is dead, gone. She's moved on. If they still wanted us, thought about us, cared about us, masturbated themselves silly desiring us - believe me, they'd be reaching out, investing in us. But they're not are they?

----Well it may feel that way to you, but remember she is a BPD.  Just because she doesn't reach out doesn't mean she doesn't care. They do the push-pull even when they love you.  They are afraid of investing in you, and even when you over-invest in them, text them, cater to them, they still fear you will abandon them one day... .which leads them to ignore you at times

Which can give someone with a rational, logical mind the impression that the pwBPD doesn't care. I have many friends I don't invest 10% in of what I've given my ex, yet they all text once in a while to say "Hey! Thinking about you! How you doing, give me a call!"

I even had a random yoga teacher message me to say she misses me in her classes and has been thinking about me a lot lately. I barely know her! But when an acquaintance like that shows more care and attention to me than my expwBPD, it makes me question why am I wanting to invest anywhere near the kind of time, money, energy that I do on her when I get NOTHING in return? Wouldn't that be better invested on people like this yoga teacher or my other friends?

And she's capable of showing she cares to just about everyone but me! She was texting and commenting on a dozen random people on facebook she barely knows - every day - but can't take two seconds out of her day to say hello to me?

If I'm nothing but a big scary abandoning monster to her and she's going to ignore me and push/pull me like this, I'm going to start investing as much in her as she does me, which is to say - nothing! Time to live life for myself. I tried, I truly did. I gave everything I could and then some and she still walked away from the relationship. It's the next guy's responsibility now. I'll always care about her, I'll always love her, I'll always remember her but I'm not going to spend my days waiting for her to talk to me. When/if she contacts me, I'll decide how to respond then. It's just too exhausting the way I was handling this before.

[shatra]

Lost wrote---

And she's capable of showing she cares to just about everyone but me! She was texting and commenting on a dozen random people on facebook she barely knows - every day - but can't take two seconds out of her day to say hello to me?

----Yes, it's easier for the BPD to keep the mask on and show care towards random acquaintances,,,but then ignore someone she feels more deeply towards.  It's part of the disorder, and applying logic, or applying how you or other nons would treat a partner, just doesn't fit.  It's hard not to remember that it's the disorder that causes them to reject people they are close to and be okay (sometimes) with strangers.

If I'm nothing but a big scary abandoning monster to her and she's going to ignore me and push/pull me like this, I'm going to start investing as much in her as she does me, which is to say - nothing!

---I totally relate to that feeling!  It's just that, unless you're a blood relative who likely can't "leave" her, she does the push-pull even though she doesn't do that with acquaintances.  In fact, some of them push=pull with acquaintances too.

  So she treats you worse than she treats strangers, and acquaintances like your teacher treat you better than she treats you... .because in her twisted BPD way she cares.

[LostGhost]

Lost wrote---

And she's capable of showing she cares to just about everyone but me! She was texting and commenting on a dozen random people on facebook she barely knows - every day - but can't take two seconds out of her day to say hello to me?

----Yes, it's easier for the BPD to keep the mask on and show care towards random acquaintances,,,but then ignore someone she feels more deeply towards.  It's part of the disorder, and applying logic, or applying how you or other nons would treat a partner, just doesn't fit.  It's hard not to remember that it's the disorder that causes them to reject people they are close to and be okay (sometimes) with strangers.

If I'm nothing but a big scary abandoning monster to her and she's going to ignore me and push/pull me like this, I'm going to start investing as much in her as she does me, which is to say - nothing!

---I totally relate to that feeling!  It's just that, unless you're a blood relative who likely can't "leave" her, she does the push-pull even though she doesn't do that with acquaintances.  In fact, some of them push=pull with acquaintances too.

 So she treats you worse than she treats strangers, and acquaintances like your teacher treat you better than she treats you... .because in her twisted BPD way she cares.

 now I don't know what to think. Are you saying the worse I am treated, the more she actually cares about me because if I cause her that much shame/guilt/fear/pain, that means she's really invested in me? And the more she appears to care about random people/acquaintances, the less she actually cares about them?

What do I do now?

[shatra]

Lost wrote---

now I don't know what to think. Are you saying the worse I am treated, the more she actually cares about me because if I cause her that much shame/guilt/fear/pain, that means she's really invested in me? And the more she appears to care about random people/acquaintances, the less she actually cares about them?

-----Once they get more emotionally invested (i.e. to you as opposed to a random stranger)  they get more of the feelings you described (shame, fear, etc)  and it becomes even more scary to lose you (which she may be convinced you will do, no matter how well you treat her), so they devalue you and push you away even harder.

---A random person doesn't bring up as strong feeling in the pwBPD, so it's easier to treat a random person better---there is less closeness and also less risk if they lose the stranger

[nzjay]

Thanks for your replies, guys. Awesome advice and after reading through what you have experienced, along with processing my own situation a little more rationally, I've formed some conclusions.

-You're right; she's giving me nothing right now aside from some flaky mixed messages. Just enough to keep me clinging and confused. F that.

-I feel if I continue this current approach, I will just feed into her victim mentality and end up being "crazy obsessed ex". F that too.

-I care heaps about this girl, rightly or wrongly... .and I am not ready to 100% give up. But I'm going to change my approach.

-Will wait and see if she actually unblocks me; have a strong feeling she won't. And if she does, it will happen next month when she loses her licence and needs something from me. Again, F that. I shouldn't be clinging to this kind of stuff.

-Will go NC now. Saturday week (14 days from last visit) I will flick her a text from my spare (not blocked) phone... .

-Something S.E.T principle related, maybe: I'm still keen to be there for you. Your need for space is totally understandable, and hopefully it has helped. I'd love to catch up if you're ready to see me.

-At that stage, line drawn in sand, no more attempts to contact her. Enough is enough, I will start trying to move on.

Sucks it's come to this kind of thinking so suddenly and so fast, but I know I'm dealing with a damaged and irrational person who likely has very little empathy for me.

Regardless how much I care, I can't force her to think or feel like me. And I can't beat my head against a wall until my skull caves in. That would be irrational.

Thanks for all the advice guys... .will check in with any updates if/when they happen

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Good for you.  Having a plan and following through is the best thing for you. Count your blessings, your not married, or have a child.   I went the full ad support, and after getting her all kinds of help: fixing car, paying legal, drug rehab, counseling, and her moving in I lost everything in the end.  Smart decision.  Keep us post.  Oh my ex had lost her license to.  Lol

[nzjay]

Good for you.  Having a plan and following through is the best thing for you. Count your blessings, your not married, or have a child.   I went the full ad support, and after getting her all kinds of help: fixing car, paying legal, drug rehab, counseling, and her moving in I lost everything in the end.  Smart decision.  Keep us post.  Oh my ex had lost her license to.  Lol

Thanks man.

Ouch! Yeah I am in some ways really happy this blew up early, rather than once I was deeper invested, or even worse had kids with her etc. I'm so sorry to hear of your experience; that must have been shattering.

At least now, regardless of what happens with us, I know what I am dealing with going forward.

And yeah it's funny how similar BPD stories seem to be. I think when she loses her licence, she will either crawl back to me or move back to her home city 500km away. She has expressed how freaked out she is about losing the licence and her freedom. Uses driving as a mental escape.

[nzjay]

It's crazy. What is it about the BPD girls that makes them so damn addictive.

I've maintained NC for just 5 days now, and still checking facebook daily to see if she's unblocked me. Yesterday I got a friend request and had this MASSIVE adrenaline rush before realising it wasn't her.

Overall I'm calm and completely fine, but any time there's a hint I may hear from her, my mind peaks out.

I've written and re-written the text I'll send her after two weeks of NC. Been tempted to delete pics of us off my facebook so they don't remind me. Still haven't seen her reappear on tinder, which surprises me as I know that's where she'll go if she wants a replacement Jay.

Really miss her energy, humour, quirkiness, feeling like her comforter, and the sex of course. Why do the dangerous ones have to be so awesome in other ways?

Anyway, gotta keep at it and not let the NC slip. Just having a vent haha.

[problemsolver]

So I see your doing "okay" please stay strong and detach expectations if possible... .I'm going to touch on 1 point from Losts post... Everything he said was spot on but the part im gonna single out is there is a reason your off social media she doesn't want it interfering with anything ... You being added will only add questions that she doesn't want to answer to another boy or to anyone (speaking from exp)... 2ndly I feel bad mentioning these things but I got hit by the same train your standing in front of 6 months ago... I too was trying to find her on tinder... Tinder is quirky though there is alot of settings that make it hard to find  there is the. Discovery setting where people can't find you . There is also an age setting where she can put herself older or younger then she actually is... Which you would miss out in if your looking for her specific age... .People can also change there location... Meaning she will be swiping with people in s different city and not where you are local... There is also the fact that you just may not draw her on tinder.

[nzjay]

Very valid points, and yeah I do realise I'm "clinging" to various things to give myself hope of resolution.

I can see the angle with social media, however in this particular case it's not accurate. After her traumatic event, she started a new facebook and removed all other trace of herself from the internet as she didn't want people talking to her about it.

She only had 100 friends on there, and kept it extremely minimalist. The cutting me from FB was partially a rage block and partially to stop me contacting her, because I tend to flood with contact when I'm anxious. I'm 100% sure it wasn't to hide the emergence of a new dude. I guess what I'm saying is, while she has some typical BPD behaviour going on, she isn't typical in other ways.

Tinder is indeed a funny thing, so my assumptions could be incorrect. But I live in a small city and I'm pretty savvy with the app so I think I'd spot her pretty fast. But yeah... .the fact I haven't seen her means nothing.

Either way, currently the message is clear; no contact from her = not interested in contact from me. It will sink into my thick head eventually haha.

Thanks man... .will keep on keeping on and will work on detaching further.

[nzjay]

Annnd game over:

"Jay, I do not wish to see you again. I don't want a relationship with you any longer and please don't make any attempts to see me or contact me again. I don't want to talk about this with you, I've had long enough to think about it and this is the choice and decision I am making for myself."

Nice concise text message; reads like a lawyer's document. Can't really argue with that!

Thanks for all the advice guys - looks like I won't be needing any more.

[problemsolver]

Annnd game over:

"Jay, I do not wish to see you again. I don't want a relationship with you any longer and please don't make any attempts to see me or contact me again. I don't want to talk about this with you, I've had long enough to think about it and this is the choice and decision I am making for myself."

Nice concise text message; reads like a lawyer's document. Can't really argue with that!

Thanks for all the advice guys - looks like I won't be needing any more.

Hopefully some of my advice helped... .You will find a nicer girl in the long. I wish good luck man... Your taking it well and moving on something I wish I could of done

[nzjay]

Annnd game over:

"Jay, I do not wish to see you again. I don't want a relationship with you any longer and please don't make any attempts to see me or contact me again. I don't want to talk about this with you, I've had long enough to think about it and this is the choice and decision I am making for myself."

Nice concise text message; reads like a lawyer's document. Can't really argue with that!

Thanks for all the advice guys - looks like I won't be needing any more.

Hopefully some of my advice helped... .You will find a nicer girl in the long. I wish good luck man... Your taking it well and moving on something I wish I could of done

It helped a lot bro, in understanding I was dealing with a really sick person who I couldn't expect to react in what I consider a rational way.

And also that I didn't really do anything wrong - I was just fighting a losing battle from the start.

It's nearly summer here, so I'll distract with the beach and parties ha. Definitely upset about this, as I wanted to be there for this girl. But hey, no point obsessing over someone who has clearly told you they don't want it.

[LostGhost]

I'm very sorry you've had to join our ranks nzjay. What you've experienced is pure pain, the kind that wounds to your very core. I can tell you're confident and very capable of handling the situation. We're all here for you if you need guidance or just to talk or vent. We've all been there. If you keep calm about it and don't pursue, I would bet money she will contact you again in the near future. They live in the moment, everything in the moment is absolute truth to them. Today she feels absolute in what she's saying. A month from now, who knows? But all that matters now is you focus on #1 which is yourself. Take some time to figure out what it is you truly want in life, who you want to be. Start putting one foot in front of the other until you achieve those goals one by one and become even more incredible of a person than you already are, let your light shine so bright she can see it from a distance and say to herself, "Wtf was I thinking letting him go?" And maybe it'll inspire her to become a better person. Stay strong always. Keep moving forward!