Update from Butterflygirl

[Butterflygirl]

Greetings! I took a leave of absence because I felt hopeless.  I got such good advice.  I read books and posts and articles. But nothing changed. My son in 44 and he has been willful since he was 3. His childish tantrums are now adult tirades. I am really stuck on the first step [I am powerless] but only to a point.

I have a lot of support. I have the Holy Spirit and you. I also have the power to change my attitude and be optimistic. Where better to reinforce this than on this board. Most of my life I have been able to help others when I could not change my own situation and this always makes me feel better.

For those who don't know me. My son is 44 and he is a Borderline. He rages at me when I say, "no." His rage scares me. He reduces my boundaries to rubble. He has broken down my door to come in and shout at me. He hit me once.

Right now I am taking a break from trying to help him and walking on eggshells. If I do not reject him in anyway he is calm. When I try to live my own life I get punished. Until I find the courage to get a restraining order I am stuck in survival mode.

In AA they always say "get outside of yourself" and reach out to others who are in worse shape than you are. Does anyone out there need support? Those who can do. Those who can't teach. [No offense to teachers. I just love this cliché.]

Butterflygirl

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

By the way . . . I never could afford a treatment center. What do they do there? Is there anything you learn there that is not in the literature. So far my only tool is SET communication for him and acceptance for me. Resentments get me nowhere.

Butterflygirl

[Hopeful_Mom]

Aw, I want to encourage you Butterfly Girl. As iron sharpens iron, so does one mom encourage the other, right? Praying for you right now.

[Kwamina]

Hi Butterfly Girl  

Thanks for this update! I had been thinking about how you were doing.

We as family-members can only do so much for the people in our lives who are struggling. It's very unfortunate that your son is dealing with these struggles which is also very hard for you as his mother of course.

I am sorry that you are feeling stuck and like you cannot change your situation. By helping others we often also learn a lot about ourselves and perhaps that might give you new insights and energy going forward.

We all need a break now and then. I am glad you've come back here though

By the way . . . I never could afford a treatment center. What do they do there? Is there anything you learn there that is not in the literature. So far my only tool is SET communication for him and acceptance for me. Resentments get me nowhere.

Everything they do in those centers is also written about in literature so perhaps you already know what I'm about to say

You mention SET and acceptance which are indeed very important. Another thing they do in those centers is mindfulness which we briefly touched on in one of your threads a while back.

You mention changing your attitude and being optimistic, that also relates to something they do in the centers: cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). This can help you 'talk' back to your negative thoughts and help stabilize and improve your mood.

These are just two of the other things they do there but there are also more. Perhaps it can help you to take a look at our workshop section here where many tools are discussed: Workshops

Take care and welcome back

[jellibeans]

Dear butterfly

I am not really familiar with your story but it does sound pretty bad and very frightening. I would encourage you to call the police on your son. They can help you and he needs to know he can not hit you and abuse you in this way. Get help when you need it. You don't have to torlerate his abuse.

[Butterflygirl]

Dear butterfly: I am not really familiar with your story but it does sound pretty bad and very frightening. I would encourage you to call the police on your son. They can help you and he needs to know he can not hit you and abuse you in this way. Get help when you need it. You don't have to torlerate his abuse.

This is a link to an earlier post about why I don't get a restraining. It is my codependency which holds me back

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280589.0

Excerpt

August 3

. . . My son has only hit me once, but he is always threatening me when he doesn't get his way. He wanted something on Sunday. I reminded him that it was my day off. He came over to my apartment and yelled and screamed. Then he pulled one of his old tricks and threatened to beat up the next person who messed with him and he didn't care if he went to jail.

To keep my son calm I usually let him vent until he is exhausted. Deborah Evans in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship has a chapter about men addicted to anger who blow up every so often to let off steam. It is like a fix to them.

The problem is that I was angry and told him I would not bail him out of jail. He stood in front of me and lifted his leg to kick me. Then he said, "You never know when to shut up." So I shut up. He left. I hid in the closet for some time.

Now I am fantasizing about a restraining order, but I am afraid he will come hurt me anyway. Has anybody gotten a restraining order on a violent child 6'6" 250 lbs? I was a domestic violence counselor years ago and I know what happens when women start to stand up for themselves. It is not a joke. It is dangerous.

I guess I have to come to terms with my fear of putting him in jail. Because I have been in jail, so I project that nightmare on to him. The codependency kicks in. But maybe I should face my fear and do it. Opinions please.

. . . continued

[pallavirajsinghani]

Butterfly girl:

Please allow me to shift your perspective a little.  Instead of focusing on him, I'd like you to for a few minutes, focus on yourself.

Look at yourself, who do you see?

An abused person.

A victim of domestic violence.

A target of rage, verbal violence.

Terrified.

Beaten down.

Guilt-ridden.

This is not a state of being that you deserved... .ever!

Please contact the DV hotlines who will give you tips about safety.

You need to document his actions in a private and safe journal. (without labeling it "BPD"--just description along with dates and time and details).

You need to have video cameras and surveillence... .you can do this unobtrusively with nanny cams.

Every single time when you feel threatened, you need to call 911... .back it up with a recording of his rages... .keep a video recorder in your pocket at all times.

Safety is absolutely a paramount issue.

He may be on drugs too... .or self-medicating in some another way... .you don't know.

I am hoping others will chime in... .with better tips on how to make youself safe. 

Do you have a good support system of friends/family/church?

Please do consider counseling for yourself.

I am a DV survivor and only left after breaking a noose around my neck.  I still carry a scar of a human bite on my back... .after 20 years.

Verbal violence is as detrimental as physical violence, for your body and mind does not make a distinction between one and the other.  Body will respond with the same sense of dread and fear when it is facing verbal violence and when it is facing physical violence... .the level of threat is the same.  Please do not hold verbal violence at a lower threshhold than the physical violence.

Secondly, getting authorities involved may be the first step towards getting him the right professional clinical help.  He may be held in a psychiatric ward, he may be directed towards mental health programs rather than jail... .all you can, and should do is call 911... .there is no shame in this.

God bless... .be safe.

[Butterflygirl]

I know how to keep my son from crossing over the line, only I have to swallow my pride to do it. I shift to listening mode until he is out of steam.

Today is my son's birthday. I was a single parent and my son's father was in prison the day he was born so it was just the two of us.

I did not know I was pregnant until I went to the doctor for a yearly physical. The doctor said, ":)o you want to keep this baby." I hesitated and said, "I guess so." I think about this moment a lot. Here I was unmarried and having a second child. Was I being willful and thumbing my nose at the society I lived in, or was my son meant to be. He is a brilliant writer and his alter ego is codependent. He will give you the shirt off his back if you don't trigger his perceived rejection. His shame is so bad, trying to make him feel loved is like pouring water into a leaky bucket. I believe shame is at the root of most mental illness and he has a lot of it.

Things are quiet lately because I have stopped lecturing him about this and that. I sent him a birthday card and a present. Acceptance is on my mind today not celebration.

I hope you are all doing well. Welcome to the newcomers.

[Kwamina]

Hi Butterfly Girl,

I can imagine that particularly on a day like this, your son's birthday, you would be reflecting back even more on the past. Being a single parent can be quite challenging, you were still quite young yourself so that only makes it more challenging.

Whether something was meant to be or not, is a difficult question to answer. What I know is that things are the way that they are and what we can do is try to deal with them as best as we can with the knowledge and skills we have at the time. This does indeed require (radical) acceptance of reality as it is.

I think it's great that in spite of everything, you are also able to see the positive aspects of your son, that he's a brilliant writer and is very generous when not triggered.

You sent your son a birthday card and a present which is very kind. Did you perhaps hear from/speak to your son yesterday? How are things today?