Looks like she's moving on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Former friend BPD changed her FB profile pic two nights ago (only one like so far, from someone she met in the psych ward), and it's a grainy picture of her and a guy she just met, probably on Tinder.  If you give this guy a guitar, he's basically a combination of me (likes animals) and her ex-boyfriend (gauges in his ears, thin build, short hair).  This is definitely a pattern with her.  Each new person tends to have traits of people that came before him/her.  So, it looks like she's going back to what "works" for her.  There is no relationship status update, so I guess it isn't official yet.  The funny thing is that he has nothing on his page about her, and his page is public.  Based on what I saw on his page, he seems to be the perfect target for a pwBPD.  I can only hope that, for his sake, the fact that he works and goes to school, paired with the fact that he doesn't live that close to her, will trigger abandonment fears.  It looks like he's got lots of hobbies and good friends, and it would be a shame for him to lose those things by getting mixed up with her.

Interestingly, it's pretty obvious that she's been letting herself go.  It looks like she's gained weight, has given up on really styling her hair, and just looks very "rough around the edges." Obviously, looks aren't anything, but I used to look at her and think, "She's just about the prettiest girl I've ever seen," but now, I think look at her and think, "She looks like a complete mess of a person."

I know some people shun checking social media, and for good reason, but I'm going to keep an eye on this because I can see her contacting me again when it ends. 

I also found it interesting that this particular picture seemed to be posted specifically for her ex and me to see.  In it, there is a little, black kitten.  She once told me that she wanted to live with me and adopt a kitten with me.  She also used to call me a crazy cat lady and made fun of my cats for being boring.  And then, of course, there's the fact that the guy in the picture basically looks like a younger, skinnier version of her ex. 

[SummerStorm]

Former friend BPD changed her FB profile pic two nights ago (only one like so far, from someone she met in the psych ward), and it's a grainy picture of her and a guy she just met, probably on Tinder.  If you give this guy a guitar, he's basically a combination of me (likes animals) and her ex-boyfriend (gauges in his ears, thin build, short hair).  This is definitely a pattern with her.  Each new person tends to have traits of people that came before him/her.  So, it looks like she's going back to what "works" for her.  There is no relationship status update, so I guess it isn't official yet.  The funny thing is that he has nothing on his page about her, and his page is public.  Based on what I saw on his page, he seems to be the perfect target for a pwBPD.  I can only hope that, for his sake, the fact that he works and goes to school, paired with the fact that he doesn't live that close to her, will trigger abandonment fears.  It looks like he's got lots of hobbies and good friends, and it would be a shame for him to lose those things by getting mixed up with her.

Interestingly, it's pretty obvious that she's been letting herself go.  It looks like she's gained weight, has given up on really styling her hair, and just looks very "rough around the edges." Obviously, looks aren't anything, but I used to look at her and think, "She's just about the prettiest girl I've ever seen," but now, I think look at her and think, "She looks like a complete mess of a person."

I know some people shun checking social media, and for good reason, but I'm going to keep an eye on this because I can see her contacting me again when it ends. 

I also found it interesting that this particular picture seemed to be posted specifically for her ex and me to see.  In it, there is a little, black kitten.  She once told me that she wanted to live with me and adopt a kitten with me.  She also used to call me a crazy cat lady and made fun of my cats for being boring.  And then, of course, there's the fact that the guy in the picture basically looks like a younger, skinnier version of her ex. 

[once removed]

hey summerstorm 

it sounds like there is a lot on your mind. no shunning here, but do you think keeping tabs on these things might be fueling these thoughts? i know when i would check id feel triggered and flooded with thoughts.

[SummerStorm]

hey summerstorm 

it sounds like there is a lot on your mind. no shunning here, but do you think keeping tabs on these things might be fueling these thoughts? i know when i would check id feel triggered and flooded with thoughts.

Possibly.  I don't usually check her page, but we have a mutual friend on FB, and so whenever I visit that friend's page, my former friend pops up as a mutual friend.  It's hard to avoid seeing when her profile picture changes.  And I know enough about her past to know that there is a clear pattern with her.  She changes her profile picture whenever she wants to get back at someone or when she is getting ready to leave a relationship and is back on dating sites.  She's very easy to figure out. 

Also, she needs a new place to live every three months or so and knows that I just moved into my new house.  I'd rather keep tabs on her and prepare myself for hearing from her again, rather than just hearing from her out of the clear blue like I did back in August.   

[once removed]

i understand.

we cant necessarily control whether our exes contact us or when (short of blocking their access). we can control how or if we respond. i dont see where keeping tabs prepares you if you do hear from her. it may simply keep you stuck, looking for signs, anticipating contact that may or may not come. its difficult to see, but psychologically this fuels a sense of a relationship when our goal is detachment; something we all approach differently.

ive never blocked my ex. she could contact me any time she wants. anticipating or expecting it would make no sense, as both of us have moved on. doesnt mean it cant happen, but i know how i will or will not respond if she did.

what kind of contact do you anticipate? how would you respond?

[SummerStorm]

i understand.

we cant necessarily control whether our exes contact us or when (short of blocking their access). we can control how or if we respond. i dont see where keeping tabs prepares you if you do hear from her. it may simply keep you stuck, looking for signs, anticipating contact that may or may not come. its difficult to see, but psychologically this fuels a sense of a relationship when our goal is detachment; something we all approach differently.

ive never blocked my ex. she could contact me any time she wants. anticipating or expecting it would make no sense, as both of us have moved on. doesnt mean it cant happen, but i know how i will or will not respond if she did.

what kind of contact do you anticipate? how would you respond?

She contacts me when she breaks up with someone and when she needs a place to live.  Since March, she's asked me 5 times to live with her.  So, keeping tabs prepares me because there are definite times when she will contact me and definite times when she will not.  I completely removed myself from FB for months and didn't look at anything, and then, out of the clear blue one day, I heard from her.  It threw me for a loop because I wasn't prepared for it and then replied impulsively.  There is no way to completely block her because she knows my work e-mail, which can't be changed. 

My former friend has very extreme dissociation.  She couldn't even remember ending our friendship the first time.  And really, other than the fact that I apparently annoy her, her negative feelings towards me tend to be less extreme than the ones she has for other people, like her father and her ex, who blew up on her in text message form and said very mean things to her. 

I've often heard it said that, for a pwBPD, it's often about the chase.  She never lived with me and never had an actual relationship with me.  And I'm starting to think that the silent treatment she's giving me right now is the same that she gives to other friends. 

So, I anticipate her asking me again if she can live with me.  It could be six months from now, but I do anticipate it.  And I will say "no," just like I said two months ago.  Now that she's out of college, her group of friends is basically nonexistent. 

[Creativum]

This is definitely a pattern with her.  Each new person tends to have traits of people that came before him/her.  So, it looks like she's going back to what "works" for her. 

Ah, yes.  I'm very familiar with this.  My ex had a thing for a guy he went to school with, who dropped him like a bad habit after he took advantage of him sexually.  This person is a "ginger" and guess what:  All the guys he's most interested in have strange and eerie similarities to him.  Including me.  My other ex was seeking to replace his brother who committed suicide in the back yard.  And guess what:  He also looked quite a lot like me.

Repetition compulsion, perhaps?  I'm not sure.  But I do think it's common for a pwBPD to seek a surrogate for a lost/unrequited love.

[SummerStorm]

This is definitely a pattern with her.  Each new person tends to have traits of people that came before him/her.  So, it looks like she's going back to what "works" for her. 

Ah, yes.  I'm very familiar with this.  My ex had a thing for a guy he went to school with, who dropped him like a bad habit after he took advantage of him sexually.  This person is a "ginger" and guess what:  All the guys he's most interested in have strange and eerie similarities to him.  Including me.  My other ex was seeking to replace his brother who committed suicide in the back yard.  And guess what:  He also looked quite a lot like me.

Repetition compulsion, perhaps?  I'm not sure.  But I do think it's common for a pwBPD to seek a surrogate for a lost/unrequited love.

My former friend speaks negatively about most exes, but she's never said a bad thing about her high school boyfriend.  I think her BPD traits really started to come to light when she was dating him.  She even got his name tattooed on her lower hip.  Then, they broke up.  Not long after, she started college and tried to commit suicide.  He was tall and thin, with dark hair.  Her last three boyfriends have been tall and thin, with dark hair.