Timeframe for push-pull

[shatra]

  I am feeling very sad and upset over the breakup which happened about 9 months ago. We had been getting along well and he gave no specific reason for the breakup.  The last time we were intimate I did say I hadn't liked it as much as other times... .he may have felt I was going to abandon him. 

     We went no contact, and recently he has a new "friend"... .I suspect they are more than just friends   I'm not sure why he would emphasize to me that they are just friends, as we have been broken up for awhile... .

     I know each person is different and we can't predict the future... .I am wondering what the time frame can be for push-pull... .we separated temporarily a couple of times before and got back together... .I would like to hear from others about whether they try to come back after more than a year.  For a non-BPD it might be unlikely, but I keep reading about pwBPD trying to return even after a long time

[LostGhost]

It's all over the place. I would say it's almost a guarantee he will contact at some point in time for a pull. This contact will be because he needs something from you at that point in time. For my ex, her pattern seems to be anywhere from 3-6 months and then she will contact an ex. There's no guarantee with BPD.

[JRT]

I am now approaching 13 months since mine left without warning or any explanation Like you, we had been getting along very well; matter of fact, she had just moved in and we ordered our wedding rings. I went out of town and she moved out and notified me via text and then blocked me everywhere... .I have not heard from her since and don't expect to even though I am very convinced that there is no replacement. We recycled several times but I think that this time was permanent.

Some of them never come back... .sorry.

[OnceConfused]

I am curious as to why you think your xBPDso might want to recycle after such a long time ?

Or why would you even want such a recycle?

[shatra]

JRT wrote---

I went out of town and she moved out and notified me via text and then blocked me everywhere... .I have not heard from her since and don't expect to even though I am very convinced that there is no replacement. We recycled several times but I think that this time was permanent.

---I wonder if my relationship would be different. We were together for several years, and have had a break longer than the current breakup, after which he returned. Also we have been in contact at times (sometimes positive sometimes negative)

[shatra]

Confused wrote---

I am curious as to why you think your xBPDso might want to recycle after such a long time ?

---He recently sent me flowers for my birthday. Also, we had been in a longer time-sequence of recycles. Instead of breaking up and getting back together every week or 6 months as some do, we would stay together for 2 years and then take a break for 10 months.  Also, I have heard of people recycling after 2 years or more  of no contact, so 9 months might not be such a long time in comparison.

Or why would you even want such a recycle?

----I might want it or I might not. I might want it because he has some positive traits and at times I miss the contact.  I might not want it because it would likely lead to another future breakup, from what I read about others' experiences.

---I am curious about the timeframe---some don't return,, but some do even after a couple of years, as I have read.

[OnceConfused]

shatra:

Usually, the time spent together prior to marriage commitment, is for the 2 people to get to know each other and to determine whether they will be compatible in many years of marriage. In your case, you were with your xso for 2 years and then now a 9 months of non commitment, is this time long enough for you or both to evaluate your compatabiliy and potential future marriage ?

what I am saying is that if you still feel he is good for you and  will be a good mate for the next 10, 15, 20 . 40 years, then why don't you call him and set a time to talk and rekindle or restart the rs?

If you still have doubt then ask yourself what it will take for you to come to a determination. What must be done.

At this time, it seems to me like both of you are playing the cat and mouse game. So forgive me if I am blunt here. Why play game to waste each other's time ? In the  meantime, he or you could pursue another r.s to find someone more compatible.

[JRT]

JRT wrote---

I went out of town and she moved out and notified me via text and then blocked me everywhere... .I have not heard from her since and don't expect to even though I am very convinced that there is no replacement. We recycled several times but I think that this time was permanent.

---I wonder if my relationship would be different. We were together for several years, and have had a break longer than the current breakup, after which he returned. Also we have been in contact at times (sometimes positive sometimes negative)

I think that every situation is different. I forgot to mention that I was with mine for 2 years and that it has been over a year since I have heard from her.

In your case, the intermittent contact, while some of it positive, seems to indicate that you are not entirely painted black. There might be some hope to reconnect but I would urge that prior to doing so, that you make sure you do it under circumstances and condition that it is healthy for both of you.

[shatra]

Confused wrote

In your case, you were with your xso for 2 years and then now a 9 months of non commitment, is this time long enough for you or both to evaluate your compatabiliy and potential future marriage ?

---Actually we were together for 7 years altogether.

what I am saying is that if you still feel he is good for you and  will be a good mate for the next 10, 15, 20 . 40 years, then why don't you call him and set a time to talk and rekindle or restart the rs?

----Good idea.  I am still thinking about it and I find this board helpful in trying to sort it out

JRT wrote---

In your case, the intermittent contact, while some of it positive, seems to indicate that you are not entirely painted black. There might be some hope to reconnect but I would urge that prior to doing so, that you make sure you do it under circumstances and condition that it is healthy for both of you.


----Good advice.  You are right, I am not entirely painted black and I am not blocked by him... .yet he has a "friend" he spends time with which might be a different kind of block altogether!

[shatra]

So I feel cut off as he has a "friend" now... .yet he hasn't 'blocked me on social media or phones.

We went no contact, and recently he has a new "friend"... .I suspect they are more than just friends   I'm not sure why he would emphasize to me that they are just friends, as we have been broken up for awhile... .this adds to the confusion. I feel they are more than friends, yet he wants to convince me that he is not involved, not sure why he is doing that

[OnceConfused]

I feel they are more than friends, yet he wants to convince me that he is not involved, not sure why he is doing that

Since you both have no contacts, how do know that "he wants to convince you that he was not involved". ?

Did he tell or text you that statement EXPLICITLY or that just was your interpretation of his FB posts?

Like I said, 10 months is a long time of separation with no contacts. By my definition, such a long time of no contacts or r.s. is the sign that the interest of being together is not there. He might just want to be nice by sending you birthday flowers. If you think by sending flowers he still is interested in you, then why don't you open the door and call him to say let's have a cup of coffee. At that time , you can see whether both sides are still interested again or that was just him being nice but un-thoughtful because he had sent a wrong  message to you. You can ask about his other friends and see where that is going.

Again, 7 years of being together is a VERY LONG LONG TIME and that should have given you lots of information about the COMPATIBILITY ISSUES and the PROSPECT OF MARRIAGE for the long term.  How much more time do you BOTH need in order to say this is IT or this is NOT it ? . What more information do you need to make a final effort ?   

I feel bad for you sitting around now , wondering and wondering and staying in LIMBO. The only way out of this limbo, is for you to take actions , once and for all. You have lots of good years left in your life, go  ahead and enjoy it.

[JRT]

I would suspect that if he is telling you that they are only friends its because:

-they are really only friends

-that he doesn't want you to know that they are a couple and risk disenfranchising you so that you remain an 'option'

[shatra]

Confused wrote---

Since you both have no contacts, how do know that "he wants to convince you that he was not involved". ?  Did he tell or text you that statement EXPLICITLY or that just was your interpretation of his FB posts?

----Yes he told me explicitly they are just friends.  He told me this several time.

Like I said, 10 months is a long time of separation with no contacts. By my definition, such a long time of no contacts or r.s. is the sign that the interest of being together is not there.

----I would think so, as a non.  But we can't look at this through non-BPD lenses.  To a pwBPD, he may recycle after a couple of years, as some of them have.

   He might just want to be nice by sending you birthday flowers. If you think  by sending flowers he still is interested in you, then why don't you open the door and call him to say let's have a cup of coffee.

----The flowers were sent with a romantic note.  I would feel uncomfortable calling him and asking him out while he has this "friend".  I am angry and jealous that he is doing this.  Otherwise I would take that advice and call him


---JRT yes those are 2 good insightful possibilities as to why he is trying to convince me they are just friends.

[JRT]

Confused wrote---

Since you both have no contacts, how do know that "he wants to convince you that he was not involved". ?  Did he tell or text you that statement EXPLICITLY or that just was your interpretation of his FB posts?

----Yes he told me explicitly they are just friends.  He told me this several time.

Like I said, 10 months is a long time of separation with no contacts. By my definition, such a long time of no contacts or r.s. is the sign that the interest of being together is not there.

----I would think so, as a non.  But we can't look at this through non-BPD lenses.  To a pwBPD, he may recycle after a couple of years, as some of them have.

   He might just want to be nice by sending you birthday flowers. If you think  by sending flowers he still is interested in you, then why don't you open the door and call him to say let's have a cup of coffee.

----The flowers were sent with a romantic note.  I would feel uncomfortable calling him and asking him out while he has this "friend".  I am angry and jealous that he is doing this.  Otherwise I would take that advice and call him


---JRT yes those are 2 good insightful possibilities as to why he is trying to convince me they are just friends.

I agree with you regarding the timeframe... .like you, I think that mine is in some sort of an odd 'hold pattern', more than a year later and (beautiful as she is) does not have a replacement. 

But yours gives outward signals: the flowers? TRUST ME coming from a man: those are not a sign that is limited to friendship, flowers to us are a symbol of romance. Although everyone is different, this is GENERALLY a hard and fast rule.

In addition, yours has gone through pains to indicate that the other woman is only a friend. I am reminded of how a pwBPD parades a replacement around for the non to see after the fact. The opposite is true in your case. It sucks that we have to interpret these subtleties  but I would see this as him telling you exactly like it is.

Maybe your comfort level holds you back from contact, but I would figure out a way to move out of your comfort zone if you want anything to happen. Maybe a short note would work? Think of things from his perspective: your NC/LC might be a sign to him that you have rejected/abandoned him. Its something to think about.

[OnceConfused]

So you are not in NC mode but actually you and he have spoken in multiple occassions since the breakup.

The flowers were sent with a romantic note.  I would feel uncomfortable calling him and asking him out while he has this "friend"

Why would you feel uncomfortable, especially when he initiated the contact with flowers and romantic note?. What do you think his intention was?  . After 7 long years with someone, do you or should you know his mode of operations and thinking?

Like I said, you can clear lots of stuff in the air with a simple call and invite him for a cup of coffee. If he is interested , he will be flattered and if he is not, then he will tell you. That meeting for a cup of coffee should not construed as a date, it is simply a meeting in a neutral place where if any one feels uncomfortable can leave at once. NO commitment there. If there is some agreements you can restart slowly the r.s., if there seems to be no agreement then now you know. Time to move on.

You can initiate the contact by calling him to thank him for the flowers and the sweet note, but then you can lead it with some questions like:

"thank you so much for the flowers, I liked them.  I love the flowers and I am also confused because I am reading into the flowers as you think we could rekindle our r.s. or Am I wrong in doing so. If I am wrong, I am sorry."



Here you are, sitting and wondering what his intention was, whereas you can ask him some simple and direction questions.

[patientandclear]

OnceConfused, not saying that Shatra reaching out is a bad idea, but it's not at all clear to me that it will necessarily clear things up.  pw BPD react oddly.  Simple and open questions don't necessarily elicit (fully) accurate or illuminating responses.

[Learning Fast]

Shatra,

I suspect he wants to keep you in "play".  Tethered in orbit so you won't stray and can be reeled in at a future date.  They really have a keen sense of our historical behavior and know which buttons to press and levers to pull.

My exuBPDgf did the same thing.  Mentioned the new "friend" mid-summer.  Just spent a weekend up at her summer place where she claimed she was just going to have dinner with her "friend" while doing some things with other people. I never bought the cover story and thru some clandestine activity I discovered that her "dinner with her friend" was really a "weekend with her new guy". 

Why didn't she just tell me the truth as our relationship was winding down anyway?  She wants to keep me in the bullpen in the event her starting pitcher wavers (sorry---I'm watching the Royals/Blue Jays game!).

[redbank1915]

my sense is that people do this out of a fear of abandonment and when the new "friend" may be losing interest

[shatra]

Thanks for the feedback---

JRT, yes, even when they push us away, if we "stay" away they feel "we" abandoned them!

Patient and clear---true, when I ask him the same question on Wed and Friday, I can get totally different answers... .and a neighbor he can't stand on Thu is his best buddyon Sunday, yet he hasn't even seen the neighbor in between those 2 times!

Learning fast wrote---

I suspect he wants to keep you in "play".  Tethered in orbit so you won't stray and can be reeled in at a future date.

---I would think so also, but he did tell me a couple of months ago "I wish you good luck in your life, and hope you meet someone better than me for a relationship"!   That sounded final to me, but may mean  something else in BPD language.

Redbank wrote

my sense is that people do this out of a fear of abandonment and when the new "friend" may be losing interest

----True, I think you mean when he feels "abandoned" by me even though he broke up  with me many months ago... .the friend may lose interest, and also when he loses interest in the new "friend"

[redbank1915]

the more I read about relationships and the anguish these relationships cause us, the less I understand how a healthy relationship encompassing trust ,integrity , intimacy can emerge. I am beginning to think these boards should be more about "us" and less about the BPD

[shatra]

Redbank----

   Yes, the anguish caused by the relationship is leaving me with a feeling of doubt and hopelessness. It has been many months since the breakup, and he gave no specific reasons for the breakup.

Learning fast wrote---

I suspect he wants to keep you in "play".  Tethered in orbit so you won't stray and can be reeled in at a future date.

---I would think so also, but he did tell me a couple of months ago "I wish you good luck in your life, and hope you meet someone better than me for a relationship"!   That sounded final to me, but may mean  something else in BPD language.

[Climbmountains91]

Mine seemed to be 6-9 months but i laugh to myself lately that his passed the deadline, i'm like where's my recycle, your a bit late, way overdue.  If i dont laugh about it sometimes, i'll cry. But for serious i think this is it this time.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine did a touch-and-go style reconnect where he painted me white for about a week, but did not rekindle the relationship or contact me directly.  This was after six weeks of separation.  Then he painted me black again after about a week and a half of being white.  I've been black for a month now, but he cyberstalks me multiple times per day.