My BPDw says that she cannot be everything for everyone.

[Samuel S.]

I know that I might sound like a broken record to those of you who have followed me, but I truly do feel alone in this marriage, and I frankly have been taking it out on myself. My BPDw continues with her work and with her studies, half the week gone to her college, the other half working and studying. Sundays, she devotes entirely to her studies. To her credit, she does prepare meals for me. Yet, above and beyond that, there is no relationship. This is the same woman who previously said that she was the only one in my life who truly has loved her. I wish I could have recorded that statement and play it back to her. To top it all off, we have our anniversary this week, one of the days she is at her college. She told me last year that she wanted to go out to dinner with me "to get it over with". I support her need and her happiness to want to change careers. Yet, she has gone from the extreme of loving me to almost abandoning me.

I guess I could emotionally handle it better, if she were not to have been so verbally abusive which is definitely the crux of the problem. She wishes to control as much as possible. She wishes to be the dominating one as much as possible. She wishes to devote all the free time she has to her studies, by saying she cannot be everything for everyone.

Yes, I know I am venting, and there are probably many of you with feelings of being devastated. At least, we are all together.

[ArleighBurke]

She's pushing you away before you get the chance to push her... .?

It certainly sounds very one-sided.

[OnceConfused]

Sam:

It is true that we cannot be everything to everyone out there, BUT ONLY TRUE TO A CERTAIN EXTEND. In a marriage, there are obligations between the 2 parties if the marriage is to be honored. Your wife cannot ignore your r.s ENTIRELY because she is busy going to work, class, and studying.

If you have read the book the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Dr Gary Chapman, you will see that in order for the emotional love to be sustained, each side has to give the other the respective love fuel or the right love languages, otherwise the love engine will run dry and die. Busy or not, each side must provide that love language to the other.

You might want to order that book to read, many libraries have copies of them as well.

[Samuel S.]

Williamskevin, yeah, she has been pushing me away every time she has been verbally abusive and neglectful of our marriage. I have said that she has been verbally abusive to me, only after having tolerated so much and after having tolerated by rationalizing her verbal attacks. As for her being neglectful, it has gotten to the point that we have not gone out on a "date" for exactly a year, and that was to have an anniversary dinner that she wanted "to get it over with". Then, after saying that, we did go out to eat, but her toxic remark really dampened my evening out with her. The only other times that we have been out together have been for the holidays last year.

OnceConfused, yeah, we cannot be everything to everyone, but like you say, a marriage is to be honored, which she obviously hasn't wanted to pursue since her newest venture. I say newest venture, because before college, she was into Aikido whose members she considered her family, until she saw them as flawed and had decided to pursue another career. In many respects, the Aikido people were pushed aside for her new career, just like I have been pushed aside, like if I were an old toy to be discarded.

Thank you for the recommendation of the Dr. Gary Chapman book. I am going to the bookstore tomorrow to buy it.

[Samuel S.]

Today, my BPDw and I have our anniversary. To her credit, she and I exchanged texts to say congrats. Guess what? As so appropriate for her, she is out of town for her classes and does not have time for even a meal with me, because she has her classes and needs to study. Meanwhile, I am having a relaxing day. I did have acupuncture this morning and tutoring this afternoon, but the day to celebrate our anniversary was by myself. Yeah, I feel sad and alone.