Adult son 28 probation, jail prison

[notinmayberry!]

Hi everyone, wish you were here!

Once our son who just turned was diagnosed properly BPD, my dh & I wondered, does that mean he doesn't have ADHD,OCD, Tourettes, Bi-Polar, Mood Disorder, Emotional Disturbed, Schizo Affective disorder... on &on Blah blah

Its been a nightmare life for the 3 of us. We adopted our son when he was just 3 days old. We wanted to be parents for years and when we brought him home, Im sure we were like a lot of 1st time parents. But... since infancy it seemed something wasn't right, his Grandma was afraid of him at 2 years old. With our very small families we didn't receive support.

Why didn't we have a happy baby? We "were" mellow parents, lived in a beautiful neighborhood and adored him. I couldn't understand we he couldn't self soothe. He was such an angry baby with moods changing so rapidly. We thought by getting early childhood screening and private therapy and lots of love there was hope. Well we have run plum out of hope. Its been 26 years of trying to find the answer. Years of this and we and he are no further, we are way worse off and let down by these resources. He made friends so fast, but 3 weeks was pretty much the limit. Bullied and lost and we couldn't find the right help. I read everyday thinking there must be an answer. Well, now its 7 years caught in a legal nightmare. He has received through the courts "so much mercy". Well in their limited way. Drug court, a county program with a case manager.

But now alas, money won't buy anymore time. He went to jail for 6 months, has been on house arrest twice, ankle bracelets. This time it was 2 years probation of "intense probation" since he failed at their county program and all his probations! Geez, the boy is ill without all the pony tricks they ask him to perform. Wish he could, but he can't. He has BPD which is another label we did not need to tell him. This  time on strike probation Our son has not been allowed outside after 7 o'clock since March. He failed the pee test. He will smoke no matter whats at stake, truly its the one thing that calms him, not the 22 years of psychotropic drug hell he is in. Well court again Monday. Probation is recommending he failed and what ever he has coming is up to the judge. Well, it could be 4 years an an Illinois State prison. the best outcome is if lawyer gets him jail and of course more probation. He cannot navigate our society, he will not make there. He said "ma, I want you to know that I love you so much. You did everything right and tried everything. You are the best Ma. You know, I will never make it out.So please don't think anything is your fault, I know you will. Just know Im sorry for the mess I've made and all the stupid and mean things I've done. Heartbreaking, every day has been. But, days and weeks waiting for court, not sure if they will continue the case for the hundredth time or take him away with cuffed feet and hands. If he goes to state, we won't get to talk for 3 months. He has so many phobias and thinks everyone is maybe a new friend. I don't think he stops talking until he sleeps. We have been in this" prison or no prison" world for 4 years. Lawyer said nothing left but pray.  He will never be able to manage more, he said this is it ma. Even if they said, sure walk away you have BPD you won't be able to handle it ! Then what? Its endless.  If anyone knows if there has been a precedent in a court of law for a BPD sufferer, or has an idea to try, please share it with us. Thanks for reading my ramble which I will not proof read because Im emotionally drained. So I hope reading my scrawl doesn't feel like a jail sentence for you!

My best wishes to you and your families.  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello notinmayberry,

I'm glad you are here telling us about your life and the struggles you have endured.  It sounds like you have tried everything to help your son and he still ends up in the legal system... .lost amongst the crowd. 

Has your son been making the effort to participate in his own care?  Or do his multitude of mental illness diagnoses prevent him from doing so?

I personally have not had to endure what you have at the levels that you have.  Have you ever tried to speak with a judge and have your son admitted to long term inpatient care instead of jail time?  If he has been deemed "disabled" by the system it might be an option to explore.  Would he cooperate with this?

Lots more questions for you than answers and I'm sorry about that.  Know that your burden is shared amongst all of us and I hope that makes it easier for you, even if for just a day.



lbj

[Butterflygirl]

He went to jail for 6 months . . .

I can relate to your son going to jail. My son, now 44, has been arrested 6 times for disturbing the peace, and once for assault. He usually gets the charges dropped.

As for my role, I have been in jail three times for crimes I committed while in a codependent relationship in 1969 and it was horrible. I project my pain on to my son when he gets arrested and bail him out. It makes the rest of the family livid and it makes me ashamed. But I digress. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can honestly say because this board in anonymous that I wish my son had never been born. But that is just me. Feeling overwhelmed today after fighting with my qualifier.

I am tired of enabling him, but I am still unable to change. I am on the first step of Co-Dependents Anonymous. Powerlessness . . .

[notinmayberry!]

He went to jail for 6 months . . .

I can relate to your son going to jail. My son, now 44, has been arrested 6 times for disturbing the peace, and once for assault. He usually gets the charges dropped.

As for my role, I have been in jail three times for crimes I committed while in a codependent relationship in 1969 and it was horrible. I project my pain on to my son when he gets arrested and bail him out. It makes the rest of the family livid and it makes me ashamed. But I digress. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I can honestly say because this board in anonymous that I wish my son had never been born. But that is just me. Feeling overwhelmed today after fighting with my qualifier.

I am tired of enabling him, but I am still unable to change. I am on the first step of Co-Dependents Anonymous. Powerlessness . . .

[qcarolr]

Hi notinmayberry   

Wow, you could be telling my story! Dh and I adopted our little girl at 3 weeks - 29 years ago. She was in a 'cradle home' for those weeks minus the 24 hours in the hospital nursery. She cried from that first night. She did not regulate eating, sleeping, etc. Lots of sensitivities to everything. Very similar list of dx's starting at age 4 with the ADHD, age 6 bipolar, followed by all the behavioral labels. Lots of therapies, meds. with none of it making much difference.

Please know that giving up hope is not the only option for you. Even in my most down times, I always could relocate my hope. As long as DD has breath, there is hope.

We started having the police at our house when she was in high school for her violent anger. Social services - 1 year of therapy for family at 15 and 17. She was in detention for only a day at 17. She has significant learning issues - dropped out of high school 2 months before birth of our gd10. She was barely 19 when gd was born. The dad lived with us of and on as well. Grandkids - a whole separate story.

She moved in with bf's starting at 17 -- all her bf relationships have ended in some form of domestic violence since then. A DUI in 2009, assault (both she and bf ended up in jail, I got a non-contact order when chose not to bail her out -- she became homeless and I suffered greatly from guilt. I turned out to be a challenging time that I am now seeing the 'good' of for myself. Again - do not give up hope!) She now lives in our home, but is out with the transient community 3/4 of the time. I think of her as my Gypsy Girl, only able to live in one moment at a time. When I live in the past and future this creates a really big disconnect between us!

She has been given all the rehabilitative options available for the many many misdemeanor convictions in the past 10 years. DV is attached to all of them except the 2 DUI's. One for alcohol (2009), one for pot (2012). She spent most of 2014 and part of 2013 in jail. The courts finally gave up on trying probation with her last year, revoked and sentenced her to 6 months of straight time. She is addicted to meth and other stimulants -- same effects as the failed treatment with ritalin as a 4-9 year old. Coming down she is very aggressive and violent.

We could not afford a lawyer so worked in the public defender system. Not sure if it would have made a difference. The programs offered to her are good for those that are able to accept help. That can trust another person that is in authority. She reacts aggressively and violently and walks away if possible. Then moves to the next day as if nothing happened. I feel is is a characteristic of the BPD dx. This was the last one she got in 2008 as part of psych eval for my grandson in foster care. He is two years younger than gd, and we chose not to adopt him. Dh and I were just worn out and financial hurting. Gs was adopted by the foster family where he was place at 5 months. Lots of cocaine in that apartment, and roaches, and too many people. I have only gratitude for the loving family he has and for the facebook contact with his mom.

So how did I manage to keep hope in all this chaos? Well I started out in Al Anon after the assault in late 2009. I also found bpdfamily in 2009 after the BPD dx for DD. If you start at the top of the list to the right and work you way through to the bottom -- that is how I kept hope. I shared my story daily here and soaked in the validation and even the occasional critical comment. In 2012 I was invited to bring my gd to Sunday School by a neighbor and found a faith community that finally fits with my needs. Even with my unusual quietness and avoidance of eye contact the first year, I was still accepted. My T is on the pastoral care team there.

I learned about validation - and practice practice practice. First with co-workers (low level of emotional risk), then with others in my life. Very last with my DD as we rebuilt a relationship after I asked the court to lift the no-contact order. It is a long long story. It is all in my profile here.

The good that came out of the long jail time last year was I got a break from daily face to face with DD. I was able to get furloughs for some medical needs, until she messed up the work release, then the work crew,... .  I had learned that my love for her was endless and unconditional, and that my personal-value based boundaries were REAL. And enforceable. And consistently to be enforced. And my love is unconditional -- there is nothing my DD can do to separate my love from her -- and my boundaries are REAL.

I had to value myself first -- get a support network built for myself next -- strengthen my marriage -- be an advocate for my DD when she asked for help  then let her do it -- let go of most expectations of who she 'needs' to be or to do or to feel. She is who she is. I always got a prepaid phone account on my cell while she was in jail. Send her care boxes weekly. I never visited -- did not want to talk through the glass and it did not fit with needs of gd. THIS HAS NOT BEEN EASY OR FUN OR PAIN-FREE. Since she got out of jail last November things have continued on the same path for her, except she appreciates her family and shows gratitude often. She follows the house rules or she leaves the property. One major violation with a bf here in June -- they both ended up in jail for harassment/DV and 18 months of probation with criminal no-contact orders both ways.

My life is very messy. Yours is too. It feels like there is no way to move forward. I get it.

If this is too much, I apologize. Telling my story in all it's most gruesome detail her among others the understand has saved my life. Please come and share more as you feel able. I care and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr

PS. Another thing that helped me, since we are raising gd10, is reading about attachment issues with kids of trauma/foster/adopt. Daniel Hughes books, especially "Brain Based Parenting" shifted my whole paradigm about being a parent, being a previous child with trauma, raising a child and grandchild with trauma. And this can be little things that are meaningless to others that are perceived and stored as trauma by an individual. As you work through some of the tools, foundational reading, etc. please bring your questions to the board. Look forward to hearing more from you.

[Butterflygirl]

24 hours in the hospital nursery

There is a phenomenon called the Borderline Split which comes from what I call the Original Wound. I have an article about it. For my son it happened when he spent time in the hospital when he was 5. He still remembers crying hysterically and looking for me. He was hyper so to control him they kept him in a crib with a top on it. It looked like a cage. This original wound is why he perceives abandonment and rejection even when it does not exist. This is what triggers his rage.

I try to remember this when I get angry and when I want to blame myself. He got sick. No one is to blame.

Isn't it a blessing that we are not alone. We must keep in touch.

Butterflygirl

[Butterflygirl]

Dear qcarolr:

I read your post three times and it was amazing and inspirational. Thank you for sharing every word of it.

Namaste

Butterflygirl

[Matt]

Notinmayberry,

Well I guess I can tell my story too - some things we have in common... .

My son was 18 when I married his mom, who I later found out has BPD.  He was already drinking and using drugs - pot and meth pretty often - but I didn't know that at first.  He had been drinking since 10 after some very bad experiences as a child - his biological father left when he was 1 or 2, and his mom was very unpredictable - loved him one day, treated him badly the next day, and ignored him lots of days.

Drinking at 10, drugs in high school, and never clean and sober til he was in his mid-20s and decided he had to change.  I got him into rehab and that helped a lot... .but the day he got out he was charged with serious crimes from many years before.  The charges were baloney, but he was so scared he talked about everything he had ever done wrong - on camera - and his lawyer bullied him into taking a plea agreement.  7 years in state prison.

All that time he remained close to me and to my younger kids.  He didn't drink or use drugs while in prison, and he genuinely worked on himself and became a better and more honest person.  He came home about 10 weeks ago and has struggled some - he drank once, which violated his parole, but his parole officer gave him another chance.  He's working, dealing well with me and the other kids, and very honest now.

The legal process - more than a year in jail waiting to be tried, then the plea agreement and six years in prison - was very painful for all of us.  I became very depressed.  At the same time, I was going through a divorce from his mom - she had become violent with me and made accusations - so it was a horrible time.  The last several years have been more steady - my son in prison which was very sad and sometimes scary, but at least things were steady.  We visited him pretty often, and I wrote him regularly, and he called home once a week or so.  A very difficult experience for me and the kids, and much more so for him of course - but he made it and now he's home.

It's hard to suggest anything to you - I'm not a lawyer and I can't give you any magic solution.  (I am from Illinois, by the way, though I don't live there now.)  Here are some thoughts which may be of some help... .

First, please put yourself and your own health first.  It's hard - I know.  But you can't do anything to help anybody else if you're not OK yourself.  I lost weight, didn't sleep, was very depressed... .don't be like me.  Find a way to eat right, get regular sleep, exercise, and maintain the best routine you can - work, volunteering, or whatever you do that is right and healthy for you.  Don't do what many of us do - lose ourselves in the other person.  Won't do him any good and could wreck your own life.

Some things that helped me are regular exercise, taking care of my other kids, and seeing a counselor once a week.  He taught me how to manage stress and not get sucked into my son's life so much.  Didn't make things OK but helped me cope a little better.

Second, try your best to stay close with your husband and other close family.  Support each other.  Cry together, pray together, or just be together.  Let this trouble bring you closer so it won't split you apart.

Third, divide your time up - some for your son, some for your family, some for work or whatever, and some just for you.  For example, I learned to write my son a letter first thing in the morning, and put it in the mail... .and then set it aside and focus on other things the rest of the day.  That first half-hour or so was for my son - all my focus on him - so I could let go of it and focus on other things the other 23 1/2.

I don't know if your son has BPD and/or something else, and at this point it may not matter much.  My son got zero help while he was away - prisons where I live (AZ) just don't do that.  I sent him books that I thought might be helpful, and he asked me for some.  I printed stuff off the internet that seemed like it might help him in some way, and stuff that I knew he would just like to read.  (He's a big football fan, for example, so I sent him Bears stuff.)  I tried my best to put helpful stuff into letters - mostly just saying every day that I loved him and looked forward to seeing him soon - plus stuff about my life and the other kids' lives so he would feel connected.  Pictures of family and friends, cartoons I thought he would like - anything I could find that would just remind him that we were thinking of him and cared about him.  He told me it helped a lot - reminders that someone somewhere was thinking of him - a big deal when you're lonely.

I'm not a lawyer and I don't know anything about his specific situation - if you want to talk about that feel free but nobody here can give you legal advice of course.  Mostly that's up to your son and his lawyer - not in your control - but if you can go to court it's possible that you might be called upon to say something in support of your son and that might help him a little.  His lawyer should know and explain that to you.  But mostly it's out of your control and all you can do is make sure your son knows you care about him.

If he goes to prison it will be a difficult experience for him and for you too, but he will learn and adapt, and your support will mean a lot to him.  Decide what you can do for him - if you can write him once a week, and visit twice a year, for example, then do that, and don't beat yourself up for not doing more.  How much you do is not the main thing - what counts most is that you stay with it and make sure he always knows you care.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish I had that magic solution but nobody will.  The system works the way it works - not always fair and not easy for your son or for you.

If it would help to "PM" me please do.  I'll be glad to talk.

All my best wishes,

Matt

[lbjnltx]

Is your son's probation violation being heard in the Mental Health Court System of Illinois?

Is his attorney pursuing the resources and acts made available through the Mental Health Court Treatment Act?


ilga.gov/legislation/ilcs/ilcs3.asp?ActID=2947&ChapterID=55

Does he qualify under the exclusionary limits?