Am I being too sensitive?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone! I'm looking for some perspective on something... .because it's so hard to hold onto reality in the face of projection and false accusations.

Over the past couple weeks, my ex and I had settled into some watered-down version of a therapeutic separation. She was doing DBT and telling me about what she learned, we had a few good talks about the relationship, and the plan was to talk about getting back together after a few months. (I know that's not doing a therapeutic separation right, but don't know what else to call it.)

For the past year or so of our relationship, my ex had issues with inappropriate "friendships" and accusing me of being controlling. For example, she'd come home telling me all about how her new coworker was hitting on her, the coworker looks like the first woman she fell in love with, and then ask, would it bother me if she went out for coffee with the coworker one-on-one. I said yes it would make me uncomfortable, and later (even over a year later) she raged at me for being "controlling" and "not letting her have friends." That's illustrative of her pattern of trying to bait me into reinforcing her "controlling" narrative--kind of like projective identification? She plays up the inappropriateness, and then immediately picks a fight about whether she can be in a one-on-one date situation with this person (and gets gaslighty about "he's just a friend! you have no reason not to trust me!" etc). Lately I've learned not to take the bait.

Another tendency is that she'll split a friend black, and I'll validate her feelings about it (or when I was less experienced, just agree with her about it). Later, once she splits the friend white again, she'll rage at me over how I supposedly didn't like the friend and didn't want her to be friends with them anymore. Like one day it'll be "She's been so cruel to me! I don't ever want to talk to her!" "I can see why you're so upset, you want your friend to be supportive and instead you feel like she's putting you down." ... .A while later, friend is split white and ex is saying how "disturbing" it was that I didn't want her to be friends with them. We've never had a fight about her actual friends with whom she has a stable, non-romantic relationship (of course there are only a few of those).

So that's her track record. Now, she's been lining up a love triangle or potential replacement for a month or so. When we were still together, she met this friend and then started babbling naively to me about how she had NO idea this woman was gay   but then noticed the friend always staring at her chest and flirty giggling. I didn't take the bait then, just said something bland like "oh I'm glad you're making friends."

Last week she split the friend black, and seemed to have good reasons--friend asking her to break  school rules, friend only talks to her when she wants a favor, and even some physical violence by the friend against her. I validated her feelings about that, and suggested that maybe the friendship was so one-sided because the other woman wanted to get into her pants, not be her friend. I wouldn't have said that if we were together, but now I don't have to mince words with her anymore and I wanted her to know that I know what's going on with this chick.

Yesterday, my ex starts telling me about how the friend was injured and ex is apparently spending a lot of time with her trying to help, going to the doctor with her, etc. 

So I have several problems with that. One, that's a pretty inappropriate, non-friend level of intimacy for someone she just met a month ago. I don't think it's consistent with wanting to continue/resume our relationship, for her to have a very close friendship with a lesbian who's into her. But my bigger problem is that I feel like she's playing mind games with me again--maybe not consciously--by setting me up to say negative things about the "friend" and "friendship" that she can then use against me later once the friend is split white again. And I don't want to play those games anymore.

Does that make sense? Am I right to be uncomfortable?

I think I've put up with so much in this relationship that now, even when I'm really uncomfortable, I stop and wonder whether THIS should really be the dealbreaker. Like, compared to everything she's put me through and I stayed, is THIS worth ending it... .

[thisagain]

Hi everyone! I'm looking for some perspective on something... .because it's so hard to hold onto reality in the face of projection and false accusations.

Over the past couple weeks, my ex and I had settled into some watered-down version of a therapeutic separation. She was doing DBT and telling me about what she learned, we had a few good talks about the relationship, and the plan was to talk about getting back together after a few months. (I know that's not doing a therapeutic separation right, but don't know what else to call it.)

For the past year or so of our relationship, my ex had issues with inappropriate "friendships" and accusing me of being controlling. For example, she'd come home telling me all about how her new coworker was hitting on her, the coworker looks like the first woman she fell in love with, and then ask, would it bother me if she went out for coffee with the coworker one-on-one. I said yes it would make me uncomfortable, and later (even over a year later) she raged at me for being "controlling" and "not letting her have friends." That's illustrative of her pattern of trying to bait me into reinforcing her "controlling" narrative--kind of like projective identification? She plays up the inappropriateness, and then immediately picks a fight about whether she can be in a one-on-one date situation with this person (and gets gaslighty about "he's just a friend! you have no reason not to trust me!" etc). Lately I've learned not to take the bait.

Another tendency is that she'll split a friend black, and I'll validate her feelings about it (or when I was less experienced, just agree with her about it). Later, once she splits the friend white again, she'll rage at me over how I supposedly didn't like the friend and didn't want her to be friends with them anymore. Like one day it'll be "She's been so cruel to me! I don't ever want to talk to her!" "I can see why you're so upset, you want your friend to be supportive and instead you feel like she's putting you down." ... .A while later, friend is split white and ex is saying how "disturbing" it was that I didn't want her to be friends with them. We've never had a fight about her actual friends with whom she has a stable, non-romantic relationship (of course there are only a few of those).

So that's her track record. Now, she's been lining up a love triangle or potential replacement for a month or so. When we were still together, she met this friend and then started babbling naively to me about how she had NO idea this woman was gay   but then noticed the friend always staring at her chest and flirty giggling. I didn't take the bait then, just said something bland like "oh I'm glad you're making friends."

Last week she split the friend black, and seemed to have good reasons--friend asking her to break  school rules, friend only talks to her when she wants a favor, and even some physical violence by the friend against her. I validated her feelings about that, and suggested that maybe the friendship was so one-sided because the other woman wanted to get into her pants, not be her friend. I wouldn't have said that if we were together, but now I don't have to mince words with her anymore and I wanted her to know that I know what's going on with this chick.

Yesterday, my ex starts telling me about how the friend was injured and ex is apparently spending a lot of time with her trying to help, going to the doctor with her, etc. 

So I have several problems with that. One, that's a pretty inappropriate, non-friend level of intimacy for someone she just met a month ago. I don't think it's consistent with wanting to continue/resume our relationship, for her to have a very close friendship with a lesbian who's into her. But my bigger problem is that I feel like she's playing mind games with me again--maybe not consciously--by setting me up to say negative things about the "friend" and "friendship" that she can then use against me later once the friend is split white again. And I don't want to play those games anymore.

Does that make sense? Am I right to be uncomfortable?

I think I've put up with so much in this relationship that now, even when I'm really uncomfortable, I stop and wonder whether THIS should really be the dealbreaker. Like, compared to everything she's put me through and I stayed, is THIS worth ending it... .

[LostGhost]

Been there, done that. And I would feel the same as you. I too was called controlling, jealous and made to look abusive. I simply have boundaries and I'm uncomfortable with some of those boundaries being crossed. Sticking to my boundaries contributed to the downfall of my relationship, but it's just obvious when someone is being inappropriate vs not. She couldn't see that unfortunately. Everybody's "just a friend". Even guys that slapped/grabbed her ass right in front of me... .oh they're just a friend and just joking around, don't be so controlling... . 

Good way to get PTSD and made to feel like you're crazy. If the tables were ever turned though and girls were slapping my ass or making inappropriate comments or gestures towards me, my ex would have castrated me and banished me to the 9th circle of hell for all eternity. Funny how those double standards work! I would get in trouble just for being in the same room as a TV that had a movie starring Scarlett Johansson.  

Your behaviour would be my definition of perfectly acceptable/normal. I don't think you're too sensitive and you haven't done anything wrong in my opinion.

[thisagain]

Thanks and I'm sorry you've been through this nonsense too. Yup, I agree that it's obvious who is actually a friend. And generally if they even feel the need to tell you that someone is "just" a friend, that's probably a 

It's really easy to sense when she starts getting inappropriately intimate with someone. For one thing, she doesn't do the BPD idealized honeymoon phase with regular new friends, so I can tell when she starts gushing about how amazing someone is.

I genuinely had zero interest in other people while we were together, but my ex actually DID have a problem with my regular friends. Whenever I talked to or visited my best friend, my ex would complain that I sounded so much happier talking to friend than with ex... .Maybe that's because I wasn't terrified that my friend would twist my words into crazy accusations or suddenly flip out at me over nothing.   Meanwhile my ex is flirting with everything that moves, not acknowledging that she's flirting, often expressing naive surprise when people flirt back, emailing her ex in secret and then telling me days later in a rage that she's been emailing her ex who is much more supportive of her than I am, etc.

I had just been stupidly hopeful that she was going to stick with the treatment and make a change this time. I don't really know what to do now. Before she broke up with me I was committed to the radical acceptance and all, would have just let this whole thing slide, but now I'm really not wanting to put up with it.

I just stopped texting her or answering her calls, after last night when she told me what she's been up to with the ogling "friend." Now she keeps texting ":)id I do something wrong? I hope you tell me what's wrong" etc... .It would be nice if she could think about it and make the very obvious connection of what's wrong. And if I'm not getting the (scarce) benefits of a relationship with her, I'm certainly not going to put in the effort to come up with some carefully crafted statement that just maybe might not send her into a rage. I know she'd rage at me about it sooner or later anyways no matter how careful I was.

[OnceConfused]

Being in a r.s. and having a feeling or fear of being stabbed in the back is not a good feeling for a r.s...

She might be in DBT for now, but changing a BPD behavior which is due some thing INGRAINED in the brain, and the subconscious is very difficult and time consuming. Relapse are paramount as well.

Depending on where you are in the r.s and how happy you have been, I suggest you :

1. write down all the positives and negatives about this r.s.

2. Compare and prioritize them as to something negligible or a must have in a r.s

3. If the negatives seem to outweigh the positives and you cannot visualize living with her for the next 5, 10, 20 years with such negatives , then use this time to prepare a good bye. This way she can be free to pursue any other person she likes and you can do the same. Why stay together and to feel unhappy every day?

[thisagain]

The last straw happened today. I am simultaneously horrified and not surprised at all.

I tried to stick my neck out and talk to her about the inappropriate closeness and mind games. She started up the predictable rage about how I make everything all about me, she can't believe how twisted I am, the girl is just a friend and she would take care of ANYONE who needed it even her worst enemies, etc. (For the record, she wouldn't have even taken such good care of ME at many points during our relationship.)

And the rage was peppered with stuff like "I can't believe you're talking to me about this when I just got bad news from the cardiologist" or "Sorry your comfort isn't my first priority when I'm writing a will."

I didn't pay much attention to that and here's why. A few weeks ago she lied to a doctor to get diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder that I have and she doesn't. Some sort of creepy separation anxiety thing. Then she got all melodramatic about her supposedly shortened life expectancy due to this illness (which doesn't actually affect life expectancy), to the point of threatening to kill herself because she was about to die anyways. Broke up with me because I called 911 and they took her to the psych ER. Like I said above, we resumed communication when she was showing some promise and seemed to be engaging in her DBT. And of course a couple weeks later, told me she talked with the doctor and there's no threat to her life expectancy.

And she has a pattern of drama about illnesses and death in general. So I didn't pay much attention to the stuff about the cardiologist. I said I'm sorry she got bad news and that I wished she would have talked to me about that instead of about taking care of the other woman. She just kept jabbing, so I also told her that this inappropriate relationship and her cardiologist are totally separate issues, and if she wants to get back together with me, she has to be able to care about my feelings regardless of what's going on with her.

Which led her to rage at me, say I'm cruel and have no empathy, I've made her grateful that she has the capacity for empathy unlike me ( ), I want to control who she talks to and accuse her of being in love with everything that moves, she hopes I find a perfect robot who never talks to men or lesbians, etc. I argued back a little bit (basically just talked to her like a normal person without using tools), because I knew it was over.

I told her this is why I hadn't wanted to talk to her, and to please mail my things because I don't want to see her again. THEN she told me she needs to have open heart surgery and she's making funeral plans. (So she can't believe how selfish and insensitive I was, etc.)

I asked about it a little more because I figured it might be fishy, and yes... .it turns out this all goes back to the same illness that she DOESN'T HAVE. If she did have the illness, there would be a very small chance of heart problems, which would likely be managed with medication and lifestyle changes. Virtually no chance she would have surgery any time soon. I'm supposed to get an echo every year or two to monitor but it's really no big deal. Plus there's the snag of her not having the illness in the first place. Meanwhile she's talking with her family (the one relative she hasn't yet split black and driven away) about funeral plans.

So she's clearly back in full-blown drama-land. And I don't want to go there with her anymore.

It's like people say on here... .The disorder always wins.

[thisagain]

Being in a r.s. and having a feeling or fear of being stabbed in the back is not a good feeling for a r.s...

She might be in DBT for now, but changing a BPD behavior which is due some thing INGRAINED in the brain, and the subconscious is very difficult and time consuming. Relapse are paramount as well.

Depending on where you are in the r.s and how happy you have been, I suggest you :

1. write down all the positives and negatives about this r.s.

2. Compare and prioritize them as to something negligible or a must have in a r.s

3. If the negatives seem to outweigh the positives and you cannot visualize living with her for the next 5, 10, 20 years with such negatives , then use this time to prepare a good bye. This way she can be free to pursue any other person she likes and you can do the same. Why stay together and to feel unhappy every day?

Thanks, this is a really good strategy for deciding! I was planning to do it until the drama tonight happened, but I think I already knew how that would turn out.

But it's so difficult to assess a relationship like this when almost everything is constantly shifting. New negatives popped up on an almost daily basis, or went away for months and then reappeared. There were periods of a few months or so during which the positives definitely outweighed the negatives, but many more months that were mostly negative. How do you add all that up?

I would be thrilled with 20 years that were like July of this year, but totally miserable with 20 years that were like July of last year. And pretty darn miserable with 20 years that were like the past two years overall... .which is why I'm done.

[thisagain]

She admitted that she has feelings for the other woman, told her about it, and the other woman feels the same way. So I guess they'll happily-ever-after ride off into the sunset now. (Yeah right.)

[LostGhost]

Had to put up with the same sort of nonsense for too long. Mine ran a smear campaign on me, calling me controlling, abusive, jealous and so on. Always listen to your gut. It's usually right and mine has been every single time. That little voice that pops up saying hey, something's not right here, better look into this. If you follow it, you'll usually be disturbed by what you find out. I certainly was.

Why is it so hard to just find a partner that wants a strictly monogamous relationship?   I'm starting to get disenfranchised by relationships at this point in my life. If I go into another relationship being fully optimistic and find yet another betrayal, I'm done. I'll just be a celibate monk in some mountain temple instead. 

[thisagain]

Yes, this definitely convinced me that I was not overreacting or just jealous, and that my gut was right. Now she's writing creepy manic love poetry about the new chick on Facebook, including one of the same things she said to me... .She's starting the same cycle except that this time she has a physically violent drunk for a partner, and she's significantly less stable. So good luck to them both.

Have you found a lot of people who don't want a monogamous relationship? I never had a problem with it, until this one... .It was a perfect storm of so many BPD symptoms: identity confusion (leading her to periodically decide she wasn't a lesbian), fear of engulfment, can't empathize or otherwise take into account anything but their momentary feelings, that emotionally immature terrible-twos defiance they get when they feel like you're keeping them from something they want... .

After the first not-a-lesbian episode I wanted to have strong boundaries to build trust, because I knew that all those factors made her a ticking time bomb for cheating, but that just made her resentful. She couldn't see the inappropriateness, only that the attention from her "friend" temporarily made her feel better and not getting that attention sent her back to her core shame.

[LostGhost]

One thing that helped/is helping me was that I deactivated all of my social media for now. My imagination can get a little out of hand being left in the dark but at least they're terrors of my own making and not reality. I just find it easier this way. I see in another post you've already taken this step!

Unfortunately every single relationship I've had has ended in infidelity, emotional or physical. Apparently I am choosing the wrong partners or conversely, there's something wrong with me that causes people to cheat. It really damages my self esteem every time. I always work myself back to being a confident, charismatic person but it's a process of 6 months to a year. I'm getting tired and the wound gets larger every time.

You can see the cycle going on with your ex. It's terrible to have to be a bystander to their self imposed destruction isn't it? You can see the train wreck long before it even happens but you are powerless to stop it. I think we will always love them, want them to have a better more fulfilling life. Only they can make that choice for themselves.  

[thisagain]

That sounds awful, and I can see how it would really start to wear on you after a while. I'm sure you already know that there's nothing wrong with you that causes people to cheat! If they had legitimate unmet needs, it would be on them to communicate with you about that. And even if you were a total jerk who didn't listen, which you're clearly not, then they should end the relationship rather than cheat. Plus, when BPD gets involved, their perceived "unmet needs" usually have way more to do with their disorder than with you.

Yes, it is awful to watch her spin more and more out of control. The last few pictures she posted before I blocked, I swear I could see the chaos and hopelessness in her eyes. And not to toot my own horn, but I think that by breaking up with me she's missed what may have been her best opportunity to get better with a good support system (since of course she's driven away all her family). I was really ready to do my part if she'd been ready to do hers.

[LostGhost]

I agree, I'm always open to communication, it's essential in a relationship. I'd be willing to do just about anything to make sure my partner is stimulated physically, emotionally and mentally. And like you said, if they're that unhappy then they should just end the relationship. I think it's always a matter of wanting to have their cake and eat it too.

I know what you mean about the hopelessness you see. I don't think you're tooting your horn at all! One of the last conversations I had with mine a week ago, she said her life was falling apart in every way, nothing is going right. But then went on to say she learned a valuable lesson... .":)on't depend so much on a man!" as if it's all my fault things have blown up after dumping me!

[thisagain]

Wow. And I'm sure that not too long ago when she was dumping you, she was convinced that you were causing all her problems and breaking up with you would solve them.

[LostGhost]

Wow. And I'm sure that not too long ago when she was dumping you, she was convinced that you were causing all her problems and breaking up with you would solve them.

I'm not really sure. I think she may have thought that, based on how easily she discarded me but I don't think she thought things through carefully. I think she was operating at 100% emotional level. She's lost everything. Her finances are in shambles, she's giving up her pets, she has no time for any of her hobbies because of the responsibilities I'm now taking care of. I took care of the cooking, cleaning, bills. And yet she hasn't asked me to come back, not even close. I guess someone else could easily pick up where I left off. And she claims to be happy despite everything. Which leaves me feeling like maybe I was a big problem. But I have looked back with a microscopic lens at our relationship and I just don't see anything I did wrong to be honest. Things I could have done better? Sure. But things I did that would cause a relationship to be destroyed in the blink of an eye, all our hopes and dreams, all our memories becoming worthless and meaningless? This is why I'm sure there is nobody that could take my place and have success. I was so vigilant the second time around but it still didn't matter.

You look at them the wrong way, choose one of your words incorrectly, do or don't do something at the wrong time... .and it's over just like that. Like walking in a field of landmines blindfolded.

I think she should be able to look at her life now and say "Wow, he actually did so much for me!" Which I guess is what she was trying to say when she came up with ":)on't depend so much on a man!"

Too ashamed to ask me to return or too busy idealizing someone new, I can't say. I miss the cuddles, the moments together that were ours. But I'm moving forward slowly. If she ever wants me to consider her as a potential partner again, she might want to say something pretty soon. I'm letting go, I can feel it building inside of me.

[patientandclear]

It may be worth taking seriously the way she is describing her feelings. Being taken care of is not necessarily a good feeling. It can feel like the other person doesn't think you're capable, that they are "earning" a place in your heart by giving to get. It can feel dependent, the word she used, and that feels bad. Not like being loved but like being owned or trapped by need.

My ex was so extreme in this way, it was hard for him to accept me paying for a cup of coffee or a movie ticket. Not because of gender roles, but because it really bothered him to owe a debt of any kind. Made him feel trapped. What we intend as loving and caring may not always feel that way on the other end, especially if it encourages dependence.

I did still sometimes offer to pay for coffee. He worked on being able to accept it. Not saying complete independence makes a r/ship. But it helps me to see how powerful the need is to not be too much in need of the other person--how scary that is.

[thefixermom]

When I was young, single and dating, I recall a couple of charismatic, attractive men who captured my interest. They seemed to like me, too, but eventually I lost out to women who had lots of drama in their lives.  They seemed to be hooked on the "damsel in distress" types.  I understand that, because in my own longer term relationships I used to choose the less stable and non-monogamous men, too. There was something more exciting about them than the boring stable types... .or so my subconscious must have thought.  Maybe the challenge is exciting to us because of our own family of origin. Or maybe because it does seem true that BPD types are often very talented, vibrant and adorable at times and I was too weak to face the mourning that awaited me should we break up.  I remember my fear of abandonment being triggered in those days, too, and I would hang on far too long, allowing myself to be abused verbally, sometimes physically and always emotionally. Then I raised an uBPD daughter so I was getting it from both ends.  I finally came to a place where I realized it was my choice to have these relationships... .and that I had many an interesting talk to sympathetic friends about what the BPD's in my life were doing and all the crazy stuff that happened and how they blamed me for everything in their lives.  I'm 60 now and shake my head at those decades of when my daily discourse was all about them.  I learned a lot from the great pain and can recognize BPD's pretty quickly now... .but I sure invested a lot of years in confusion, denial, and hope.  I have a fairly balanced good and trustworthy husband now but even so, I've developed a strong sense of myself and my boundaries from all the nonsense I subjected myself to in those prior times.  My relationship with my grown daughter isn't ideal but it's about as good as it can get at this time.  I think we learn till we are put in the grave, no matter how long we live. I have seen people die in their 80's who were still living dramatic miserable lives so I do consider myself lucky to be 20 years ahead of that and a sweet trustworthy reliable mate is no longer boring to me. Now I can concentrate on my own passions and hobbies and have adventures with my spouse and make great memories of our precious time left.  I do wish I could go back to 20, 30 and 40's with the head I have now but I have good health, still attractive and can't complain.  I wish for you a bright future with the lessons you've learned.  I also had the thought before I read your own words to the effect... .that your ex missed a real good man.  She will likely realize it at some point... .you stay true to yourself! Have fun and ENJOY life from now on. xoxo

[LostGhost]

Patientandclear and thefixermom,

You've both provided me some valuable insight for me to deeply reflect on. I just realized... .you're right. I think I know why both of my long term relationships failed now. My ex-wife of 13 years, I took care of everything because I earned almost 3x her income and wanted to make sure she was taken care of, but you're right. I didn't realize until now what I was doing was wrong. And I did the same thing with my ex-gfBPD.

Early on she told me the horror stories of how all her exes treated her and so I committed myself to rescuing her and fell into the same trap. Now I know why she chooses those other men. Her closest friends told me she always dates losers that treat her awful. But maybe she likes that? Maybe it's exciting, a challenge, or it's rewarding for her? I was too eager to please, always taking care of things again.

Wow. You've seriously made me open my eyes! I think I have more perspective of what women want. Something in the middle of good guy and loser guy, not too extreme in either direction. I don't know why I didn't catch this sooner. If they had said they were uncomfortable with me doing all of that, I would have changed my ways.   I feel so stupid... .I wish I could go back and just change this one thing. It might have been the cause of her leaving me. Her feeling trapped as you say, or not good enough. I always told her she didn't have to worry, I thought she was perfect but words aren't enough to convince.

I do remember asking sometimes, am I smothering you, am I doing too much. But she would always say "no I like you doing all this, it gives me time to do what I like" and she was very appreciative of me paying the groceries etc and said it made a huge difference to her. But maybe those were just words to mask how she was actually feeling.

At least if I see her with someone who is nothing like me, I'll know why now.

I think next time around I'll be less eager to please, that's for sure.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks for this thread this again, there were definitely some humorous points in it like this one

She plays up the inappropriateness, and then immediately picks a fight about whether she can be in a one-on-one date situation with this person (and gets gaslighty about "he's just a friend! you have no reason not to trust me!" etc). Lately I've learned not to take the bait.

I really appreciate that term "gaslighty", that's a great one. 

Its so relieving to read yours and others thread where they describe the kind of behavior I am so familiar with.

[thisagain]

Gaslighty! When you're trying to get a pwBPD to respect your feelings, you need all the parts of speech to describe the gaslighting.

OnceConfused's process for deciding is a good one. Not as useful for me because my ex was uncontrollably running the relationship into the ground. But I thought it might be helpful for you.

I also remember feeling so relieved when I read threads on here and realized that my partner's crazymaking behavior was consistent with patterns that a lot of other people had experienced. It helped me realize I wasn't the crazy one no matter what she said.

For some reason I was feeling nostalgic today, read through a bunch of these old threads and had a good cry... .The whole thing feels a lot like a bad nightmare. The kind that sticks with you after you wake up and leaves you wondering whether something that awful and bizarre could have actually happened.

Unicorn, I hope you're able to take the space and time you need to get some perspective on the relationship! And... .

 9

[unicorn2014]

Thank you this again, I now see what everyone was saying. My relationship as it stands is no longer tenable to me and until my partner takes action I can not be in constant communication with him. I think he might understand  this which is why he's allowing me to take my space so far without a fight. We will see what happens on day two of unicorn taking space.

Happy New Year to you as well!

 9    9

[bAlex]

Hi everyone! I'm looking for some perspective on something... .because it's so hard to hold onto reality in the face of projection and false accusations.

Over the past couple weeks, my ex and I had settled into some watered-down version of a therapeutic separation. She was doing DBT and telling me about what she learned, we had a few good talks about the relationship, and the plan was to talk about getting back together after a few months. (I know that's not doing a therapeutic separation right, but don't know what else to call it.)

For the past year or so of our relationship, my ex had issues with inappropriate "friendships" and accusing me of being controlling. For example, she'd come home telling me all about how her new coworker was hitting on her, the coworker looks like the first woman she fell in love with, and then ask, would it bother me if she went out for coffee with the coworker one-on-one. I said yes it would make me uncomfortable, and later (even over a year later) she raged at me for being "controlling" and "not letting her have friends." That's illustrative of her pattern of trying to bait me into reinforcing her "controlling" narrative--kind of like projective identification? She plays up the inappropriateness, and then immediately picks a fight about whether she can be in a one-on-one date situation with this person (and gets gaslighty about "he's just a friend! you have no reason not to trust me!" etc). Lately I've learned not to take the bait.

Another tendency is that she'll split a friend black, and I'll validate her feelings about it (or when I was less experienced, just agree with her about it). Later, once she splits the friend white again, she'll rage at me over how I supposedly didn't like the friend and didn't want her to be friends with them anymore. Like one day it'll be "She's been so cruel to me! I don't ever want to talk to her!" "I can see why you're so upset, you want your friend to be supportive and instead you feel like she's putting you down." ... .A while later, friend is split white and ex is saying how "disturbing" it was that I didn't want her to be friends with them. We've never had a fight about her actual friends with whom she has a stable, non-romantic relationship (of course there are only a few of those).

So that's her track record. Now, she's been lining up a love triangle or potential replacement for a month or so. When we were still together, she met this friend and then started babbling naively to me about how she had NO idea this woman was gay   but then noticed the friend always staring at her chest and flirty giggling. I didn't take the bait then, just said something bland like "oh I'm glad you're making friends."

Last week she split the friend black, and seemed to have good reasons--friend asking her to break  school rules, friend only talks to her when she wants a favor, and even some physical violence by the friend against her. I validated her feelings about that, and suggested that maybe the friendship was so one-sided because the other woman wanted to get into her pants, not be her friend. I wouldn't have said that if we were together, but now I don't have to mince words with her anymore and I wanted her to know that I know what's going on with this chick.

Yesterday, my ex starts telling me about how the friend was injured and ex is apparently spending a lot of time with her trying to help, going to the doctor with her, etc. 

So I have several problems with that. One, that's a pretty inappropriate, non-friend level of intimacy for someone she just met a month ago. I don't think it's consistent with wanting to continue/resume our relationship, for her to have a very close friendship with a lesbian who's into her. But my bigger problem is that I feel like she's playing mind games with me again--maybe not consciously--by setting me up to say negative things about the "friend" and "friendship" that she can then use against me later once the friend is split white again. And I don't want to play those games anymore.

Does that make sense? Am I right to be uncomfortable?

I think I've put up with so much in this relationship that now, even when I'm really uncomfortable, I stop and wonder whether THIS should really be the dealbreaker. Like, compared to everything she's put me through and I stayed, is THIS worth ending it... .

I've been called many things, none of which were true. Don't fall for the false accusations. You speak of "deal breakers"... nothing should be hard between 2 ppl who supposedly care for one another, if it is, that's the deal breaker right there. We shouldn't have to overly explain normal behaviour to adult humans, if they can't see what's inappropriate with their own 2 eyes, there's no point really.