Need advice

[Eyeamme]

My 34yo BPD daughter cut me off from my 5yo Grandson and 2yo Grandson. She is angry with me for not calling the 2yo for his birthday. We were not getting along and she was angry because for the first time I practiced disengaging until she calmed down. She just got angrier and angrier with name calling in text. She told me if I wanted to communicate I had to quit acting like a 12 year old and call her not text. I was just saying "I love and miss you" which triggered more verbal abuse.

She wrote to tell me she doesn't want me in the kids life. Should I just hold my ground until she decides to come to me (or not)? I live on East coast and they are on West Coast. I talked to the kids almost every day. I told her already that I was worried the kids would think I don't love them or I am mad at them (5 yo and I really have a special bond). She told me they don't ask for me or notice and the only reason they called me in the first place is because she had them do it.

Help.

J.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AVR1962]

This is heart breaking, I understand. Let me ask you, if you were to talk to your daughter the way that she spoke to you, how would you feel about the situation? We over-look our children's acts because we love our children regardless but disrespect does not have to be tolerated. You have to make this choice for yourself as you are the one that has to live with your decision. However, I would not contact my daughter if she spoke to me like this. I would continue to send birthday cards and presents but I would give her time to come around. If the two of you can talk calmly once she settles down and contacts you again I would set a boundary for her behavior and the way she thinks she can speak to you.

[jellibeans]

Eyeamme

I read your last post and I am not really sure still what you would like to do going forward. Having grandkids involved makes things more difficult and emotional. I think you really need to decide if you want a relationship with your daughter. Accept that it is not going to be easy and change your expectations. Develop some boundaries the protect you from verbal assult but more importantly work on your communication skills so that conflict can be reduced. Take ownership of what you did and say you are sorry. Even if you are in an aguement with your d you should be able to communicate with your grand kids especially on their birthday. Your d might say they don't miss you but I am sure they do and if you want to be in their lives changes will have to be made and those changes have to start with you.

[Eyeamme]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. Right now I do not know what I am going to do going forward. I just had a therapist tell me that he thought she had BPD. I read suggested books and I am sure this is what it is. I am trying to deal with a boatload of anger right now.

J

[lbjnltx]

Your anger or your daughter's?

If it is your anger, what are you angry about?  This is a safe place to work through it with people who understand.