Can living aprat save the relationship?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I moved in with my uBPDfiance 3 years ago - we have 2 children each 12-15. He had shown signs of what I thought were moodiness before we moved in together (been together 5 years). Once we moved in together these escalated to full on rages and he cycles just about weekly. I am now just about over it and worried about the impact on the kids (my 14 dau already has acute anxiety). I have seesawed between staying and leaving. We really wanted to live together but now I feel I need a place where I have peace and freedom to be myself.

Has anyone gone from living together to living apart and continued the relationship? How has this affected things?

Appreciate any response... . 

believer

[believer55]

I moved in with my uBPDfiance 3 years ago - we have 2 children each 12-15. He had shown signs of what I thought were moodiness before we moved in together (been together 5 years). Once we moved in together these escalated to full on rages and he cycles just about weekly. I am now just about over it and worried about the impact on the kids (my 14 dau already has acute anxiety). I have seesawed between staying and leaving. We really wanted to live together but now I feel I need a place where I have peace and freedom to be myself.

Has anyone gone from living together to living apart and continued the relationship? How has this affected things?

Appreciate any response... . 

believer

[ArleighBurke]

4 teenages in the house and a BPD parent! That could be interesting... . 

I have only considered whether I could move out, but still be together. Whether I could pick up the kids each afternoon from school, do afternoon duties (homework, chatting, playing, cooking dinner), sit down to dinner with ‘the family’, and then about 7pm leave the kids with my wife and go to “my home” to live “my life”, or if BPD partner is in a good mood perhaps staying and socialising until 10pm. On weekends, I’d also be around lots, but still leaving at night.

My therapist said I was dreaming. Living apart sends a clear message that you are NOT together – no matter what your intention. And your BPD will also feel strongly about it (I‘m guessing). But if you are not yet married, maybe you can approach it more like ‘dating”’again.

Interestingly, my BPD partner (married 15 yrs) suggested that I move away for 2 nights/week. She said that was to “give her space” (she feels on edge when I’m around due to past abuse by her father). But when she realised that I liked that idea, and was making plans to enjoy myself (through sport and catching up with my friends) she reneged. I suspect she only suggested it because she though I would hate it…

[believer55]

Hi William

Thanks for your experience. My partner has also suggested living apart - actually he more yells it at me as a threat in the hope/anticipation I am going to beg him not to do it. It would be easier for me re kids as I would have my 2 and he would have to sort out his own 2. He has expressed to me it was easier to "hide" his condition when we lived apart and now he feels I am watching him all the time waiting for him to "stuff up" (which he also acknowledged doesn't happen he just feels that way). I just know I am no longer able to SET as I am so exhausted I don't even want to talk to him about it anymore. He will talk and talk at me for hours about everything I do wrong and how I should be different and there is no room in the house I can escape it. Hate feeling this way.

It does seem to be a case of can't live with - can't live without!

[ArleighBurke]

When my wife talked about me living away for 2 nights/week, she said she expected it to be temporary. I said it may, it may not. I tried to explain that the definition of a “normal” relationship is so fluid. We don’t have to compare ourselves to others, we just have to do what works for us. And if having “space” is what helps us stay together – isn’t that the goal in the end? I’m not sure she accepted that, but I truly feel it’s true. You are clearly saying that you want to be with him – that you want to live your life with him - but that based on you and him and your personalities, living in the same house just doesn’t work. Rather than force it and both be miserable, let’s find a solution that isn’t “traditional”, but it works! I don’t see a problem with it – but I can understand that emotionally it is challenging.