Looking for specific tips regarding teen and limits

[Ohiomom01]

I have a 16.5 DD with BPD but she has dropped out of all treatment except to see a psychiatrist for medications every couple of months.

First a bit about her:

She is reserved and stays in her room most of the day except when it is time to eat or run an errand. She is very introverted and does not socialize with others. Had extreme anxiety over school and after 2 years of trying to force her to work/deal with it, we let her do online schooling - which she is fairly successful with. She spends most of her day either playing games on her phone or computer, searching the internet (YouTube, iFunny etc.), and conversing with her boyfriend in England she met online over a year ago (thru online game). She is quiet and not violent toward others at all. But if overwhelmed with to much to do (even if it is just mentally) she easily becomes suicidal. She has had 3 rounds of inpatient care at two different hospitals and attended two different outpatient hospital programs - none have done much to help. The most success we have had was to let her drop from public school and attend online school and allow her to stop seeing a therapist because she really refuses to work with a therapist. We want her to do DBT however she is very against believing it will help and fears it will make her feel worse. Father believes it isn't worth forcing her to take DBT if she will rebel and not be open to working to change.

So what's the current problem? Simple life expectations that we have of her and not having many ways to enforce any limits.

For example - she is to do dishes and clean up the kitchen each evening (and we pay a small allowance for this). Even though she has ample time to do it, it is often left ignored. I wake up frustrated with a dirty kitchen. But I can't find a good way to enforce consequences when things aren't done because she doesn't really care if I remove the allowance. She isn't embarrassed or ashamed to be "fired" from her responsibilities. She doesn't go anywhere or talk to anyone other than the boyfriend so no way to provided consequences by "grounding" her.

So it seems obvious the only thing she cares about is the internet or boyfriend communications. And when we have reduced her time allotted to those things she ends up being so distraught she becomes angry and eventually the thinking becomes depressed and suicidal.

There is so little to her life that taking away those couple of things she cares about seems to do her in. Anyone else had similar issues and especially any success with dealing with them?

Thanks in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Positive reinforcement rather than discipline after the fact may work, though it will likely be an uphill battle.

For example:  In order to earn online time/access after the dinner hour the kitchen must first be cleaned up.

When she comes to you for the phone/computer tell her "Yes, sure, you can have it right after the kitchen is finished".

It seems that she is fragile and taking away the things that stress her are allowing her to remain so.  Her distress tolerance level is low and finding the best way to address it is through advice from her therapist.  Can you meet with the therapist to learn what he/she would recommend? 

lbj

[Butterflygirl]

   Positive reinforcement rather than discipline after the fact may work .  . .  

I agree with this. What triggers my son is anything that can be perceived as neglect which is a variation on rejection, abandonment, and believe it or not abuse that only exists in his mind. Unfortunately everything feels like neglect. Oh well.

So positive reinforcement really works with him. I begin every conversation with it. [See SET communication}

I just wanted to welcome you to the board as one BPD parent to another.

[init]

Ohiomom01 the Internet has been a battle ground for our dd as well... as well as chores... .dd is also fragile but also has anger and can get violent... but the outcome is the same.

our status is that we have pretty much given up hard n fast rules and now rather allowing bending more... .Currently trying to show support rather than punishing. However I see our dd addicted to social media and forming dubious acquaintances and influences... .I really don't have THE answer ... .the therapists flip flop from discipline advice to easy as she goes advice... even they struggle with it.

We have hypersensitive children as I see it... .the psych says to allow Internet as its their way of connecting to people... .however I see it as two edged sword... as they don't want to come out of their room and talk and interact with the family.

Our psych said no to DBT as our dd15 is too young.

Id like to make it better...