I believe that getting a divorce is the right thing to do for my whole family.
Sometimes you are left with no choice but to take the only option left. :'( As they say, if the eggs are cracked, make an omelet. While you and others can't avoid triggering the overreactions, you didn't cause it. But you can find practical ways to deal with it all - from a safe (or a less unsafe) distance with a solid court order under your belt.
I quote this in many threads here: Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. Nearly 30 years ago the book
Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant,
As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.
However, my wife is likely to go bat crazy (paint me black) if I do and I don't want my kids seeing it. My thought was to wait until she goes shopping, take the kids to a friends, contact the lawyer to serve her the papers. Is that a good idea or not? ... .so she will get to see the kids soon.
Understand that what you see as harm to the children may not be the same view of child protective services, children's agencies or family court. They don't worry overmuch concerning what is bad, just whether something is 'actionable' bad. Second, she is likely to overreact and retaliate by making horrendous false allegations. Once the marriage has fallen to the ':)' level she may respond as many spouses here have done,
trying to make you look worse than her. So ponder that. Do you have proof you're not the one misbehaving? If left to "he-said, she-said", then court may default to believing the female gender, especially for the first several months or longer. In my case I had 2 temp orders, once at separation and once when I filed for divorce, both defaulted me to alternate weekend father. This despite her facing DV charges in another court, her blocking my father-preschooler contact for over 3 months, etc. It was hard but I did manage to accumulate a number of recordings of her ranting and raging out of control before and during separation. Court ignored most of it but I felt it was my special insurance in case it got even worse.
You may think the moment of separation and the first few days is crucial but many here would say it takes second place to the long term court orders and how effectively they address the poor behaviors. However, I agree it is best to start the separation with the children in your care. That may help you to get the best temp order possible and that IS very important. Divorce is an uphill struggle for most fathers and you need the best starting temp order you can get. It may also lessen the likelihood of your spouse successfully claiming you're abusive, dangerous, neglectful and an all-around ogre.
I'm not saying it can't start better for you but you definitely should be informed of strategies and approaches that are more likely to address what the court views as most actionable. REad our responses to other new members, pick and choose what you think will work in your situation.
One advantage of court orders is that they set rules in the separation. Maybe good for you at first - or not - but it does one important thing... .you spouse is no longer the entitled one seizing control by unilateral demand, the Real Authority is now the court.
