ST and Limbo

[knowledgeseeker]

I posted last week with no response so I'll try to make this shorter in hopes of advice.

Almost 2 months ago uBPDh (who is High Conflict) and I decided we were on a break while he works through his issues. He works in another state and would come home on weekends or I'd go see him. During those two months he has come home once for 12 hours and has reached out a couple of times via phone and he's said everything from I don't need him, I don't want to come see him, to he doesn't think he makes me happy, to he can't come home because he's working two jobs and if he comes home he will fail at his job etc it seems to morph every time we do speak. He was tearful when he was home which has never happened and took me by surprise. When he was home we agreed that if he wanted to make our marriage work he would be in touch more. 4 days later I got an almost frantic call from him apologizing for putting me through all of this and he didn't realize the effect it was having on me (HELLO, really?). I was floored by the call and he went on to say he was thinking of quitting his job because the distance wasn't working for us but thought he might get fired, but then said he was trying to hang in there for his bonus. It made no sense to me he was all over the place. I told him I'd support him in whatever he decided as I've said quit a number of times as its not worth it to be miserable and blow up your family over. He told me he loved me and he wants to make our marriage work. Then nothing again. I reached out to him he called me back and was again telling me how stressful work is. I said how can I help, he said just be supportive. Two days later I reached out to him to ask him about a financial question and he didn't pick up the phone so I left a vmail. Next day still hadn't called me back so I text him to call me asap. He did with in 5 mins, we spoke for 3 mins and he went on about the job stress and he just wants to walk out, but the bonus.  I know his boss likes him and relies on him heavily, so I don't understand all the drama all of a sudden. He's always stressed, thats nothing new, he will create stress if he doesn't have any. And why would he quit when he has a huge ego and his job has always come first.

He is suppose to come to an event for our daughter this coming weekend. He's gone silent again for 5 days now. I sent two text messages last week and no response. I've stopped trying to reach out. I don't think he will show up to the event either. Can anyone explain this? I feel like the only thing that is consistent about him is that he is completely inconsistent. I feel like I'm dealing with a confused child that is playing a game of hide and seek with me. I've decided I'm done reaching out. I feel tortured by his silence and I feel in complete limbo about our marriage because he's not making an effort and I don't trust what he says anymore. I am wondering if he wants out but wants me to get to a point where I do his dirty work so he can be a victim in our families eyes as no one can figure out what the hell is going on. He tells the rest of the family work is stressful but he's working towards filling one of his jobs so that he can focus on the new one and get his bonus... .Do I just continue to leave him alone and not contact him at all?

[13YearGoodbye]

I have had a close friend for 20 years that is bipolar... .There is a certain amount of comfort in the inconsistency. I saw her today. She showed up 24 hours after she said she'd be here. I wouldn't know what to do with the relationship if she was reliably consistent. No worries though, I know the patterns. I live my life, and do what needs doing. If she shows up we have a great visit. If she doesn't, then I haven't wasted a day waiting/wondering if she's going to show up.

One strategy that I used when I was working out of town was to send nerd texts... .By that I mean that I send something along the lines of "This morning after I drop the kids off to school, I'm washing laundry, then picking up a filter for the vacuum". Just my way of saying, "Hi." without creating pressure to respond to my messages.