Has anyone here ever let your pwBPD read this article?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We are at a critical stage of our relationship. I was asked last night by my wife if I thought she may a little bipolar. She knows something is wrong with her but will not get help. This has gone on for the last 4 years. I told her one time about 2 years ago she shows some of the BPD traits. She didn't get upset but she has never brought it up again and neither have I.

Would I be foolish to share this article with her? ( I would edit some out of it) I am pretty sure what the majority of the answers will be but I want to test the waters


Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor their appearance or actions to please others, a failed relationship often presents with a characteristic pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

Love: The Clinger Phase

Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your compassion with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, "

But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion. But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Instable relationships are a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[byfaith]

We are at a critical stage of our relationship. I was asked last night by my wife if I thought she may a little bipolar. She knows something is wrong with her but will not get help. This has gone on for the last 4 years. I told her one time about 2 years ago she shows some of the BPD traits. She didn't get upset but she has never brought it up again and neither have I.

Would I be foolish to share this article with her? ( I would edit some out of it) I am pretty sure what the majority of the answers will be but I want to test the waters


Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor their appearance or actions to please others, a failed relationship often presents with a characteristic pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

Love: The Clinger Phase

Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your compassion with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, "

But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion. But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Instable relationships are a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey byfaith, In my view, this sort of message is better left to a professional and will likely be poorly received coming from you, despite your good intentions.  LuckyJim

[Dutched]

Back in 2008.

I really understand your motivation to do so, it will be futile I think.

Another part of it is that it is an armchair diagnosis and for the receiver (partner) it is hard to be labelled with  a disorder by the person closed to them. Despite all their shortcomings

In a way I used this letter at a most welcome point for me in that r/s.

Based on an event (exw was told by her ‘life coach’… her that her problems were to severe for the coach to handle) I took my change to address my view of her behaviour, our marriage, our interactions now and way back then. That in a very serious talk that I really prepared and told her upfront that I didn’t want any interruption, I would stick to my points, use short and informative sentences, with quotes from the letter combined with examples.

A few points to clarify:

I could use a reason (that ‘life coaching’ thing stopped) as excuse

I translated that letter and summarised it

Used examples of her reactions, behaviour, my reactions, our dynamics, etc.

I didn’t use the word BPD

Afterwards exw wanted to read it, I denied and it went into the shredder.

There was total silence. After finishing my point of view I said that, because of the end her Therapy, I wanted her to visit the family doctor.

By the family doctor Exw ordered to be treated by a Psychiatrist. Kind of relief for me.

After several excuses exw admitted that she destroyed the letter of the family doctor (needed in our health care system).I was pissed off! Blamed her for not taking responsibility for herself, kids and family as a whole.

Anyway. Exw being a HF, means denial, refusing to accept therapy, blaming, never admitting any issues

It was futile, as most of my efforts. The one that did help was to understand the disorder and react to that. That brought down the outbursts, etc. so relative rest was back again. Yes, even bluntly asking her (after seeing some behaviour, if she needed an outburst to feel good again… The Vesuvius calmed directly down, strange.) 

Besides of what I learned about BPD and the techniques (SET/JADE/DEARMAN) applied with that woman, I found Zig Ziglar inspiring. He made an audiobook “chancing your partner by changing yourself”.

The inspiring part was that it just took such an easy and natural behaviour (for me), that lifted in a sense the mood of that woman (and that of me and kids too)

The sad part was… the pendulum of that brain can’t be stopped, the disorder always wins.

My opinion is the Higher functioning the more futile your efforts will be. Stage 3 will be inevitable, destroying even the very, very long relationships that as in my case lasted more than 3 decades.

[Cat Familiar]

The problem I see with that article is that it's so negative. People with BPD already have so much shame, I wouldn't want to add to it, unless you want to destroy your relationship faster.

Yes, those phases can describe pwBPD, but it's a caricature, and a very ugly one at that.

[byfaith]

thanks,

I "knew" something like this would not be appropriate. You are right Cat that it is mainly negative. It is a dramatic portrayal. One of my main communication flaws is when I am having a conversation with my wife is that I get sidetracked by her behaviors and she sidetracks the conversations to go to where I feel like I didn't get to make my point. I always end being the one in her mind that has the problem (I know nobody here has ever heard that before).

I did write a letter and then read it to her so I could get all of what I wanted to say out. That helped as far as getting it out. Getting out how you feel does not always have good results.

Me saying that I can't go on living under the circumstances means to her that I am leaving. I said to her that if God did not intervene that this marriage would not make it. Was that wrong to say? maybe? What will be the catalyst for her to get help? Rhetorical question.

When you get nothing from a relationship except being the giver emotionally at some point you reach a threshold. I am worried we will not make it. I am pleading with her to get help. She refuses. Without being blunt I said I couldn't be with her if our marriage continued down this path. I told her I was not happy. Just existing, right now.