Primary Carer

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The mother of my daughter suffers with BPD and was recently sectioned temporarily as she was planning to take her own life. Originally she was our daughters primary carer, but because of her actions I have ended up with her for the duration and feel she is better off in my care with me being the full time carer as I don't think she is too capable looking after herself, nevermind our daughter. This is in our daughters best interests. However, upon mentioning this she refuses to work with me and I don't know what lengths she will go to, she had already been called out on lying due to her sectioning and the people involved starting to communicate with each other, yet she still carries on lying and making up warped stories. I'm at a loss here because I don't know what lengths she will go to at this stage but I don't think she should have primary care anymore. It all just seems as she is using our daughter to fulfil her own needs.

[Tm1995]

The mother of my daughter suffers with BPD and was recently sectioned temporarily as she was planning to take her own life. Originally she was our daughters primary carer, but because of her actions I have ended up with her for the duration and feel she is better off in my care with me being the full time carer as I don't think she is too capable looking after herself, nevermind our daughter. This is in our daughters best interests. However, upon mentioning this she refuses to work with me and I don't know what lengths she will go to, she had already been called out on lying due to her sectioning and the people involved starting to communicate with each other, yet she still carries on lying and making up warped stories. I'm at a loss here because I don't know what lengths she will go to at this stage but I don't think she should have primary care anymore. It all just seems as she is using our daughter to fulfil her own needs.

[OutOfEgypt]

Sounds like it to me, too.  My story is less extreme, although there was a suicide attempt during our marriage (which I cannot use in court because it happened before the divorce).  If you are in a position to act, and there is ample evidence on your side, I say you go for it.  There are times in the past where I could have acted and had lots of evidence and witnesses on my side, but I waffled and ultimately did not act.  Everything probably still worked out okay, but I still regret my inaction.  I would probably not be having to STILL deal with this, today, if I had acted instead of ruminated to the point of paralysis.

I'm not surprised that she refuses to work with you once you mentioning something that threatens her control and shines a light on her imperfections.  That is classic BPD.  I'm in the same boat.  As long as I just go along with things and take care of our kids as best I can when I have them, she "works with" me.  As soon as I want to discuss something she is doing to hurt them or how she is not emotionally available or capable for them, the walls go up and we are enemies... .and she makes sure people know that I'm "out to get her."  This is how they are... .not just with us but with everybody.  It took me a while to realize this, and then it dawned on me that the laundry list of enemies she had while we were together were in the same boat I now am.  They weren't the evil people she painted them to be.  They were just people who happened to expose or confront her behavior.  And whamm!

[ForeverDad]

Who will stand up for your daughter?  Really, for her?  Her mother can't be trusted to do it, not consistently.  It's You.  No one can stand up for your daughter like you can!  No one!

If you have temporary custody, then do your best to keep it.  Why?  No one knows whether she will relapse back into suicidal thoughts again next month, next year or in five years.  So you have to be there and with an ability to take over whenever the situation demands it.

Generally it is hard to get full custody.  I got it but it took me some 6 years and more than two years more to get majority time.  She didn't have severe suicidal issues, it was more about ranting, obstruction, disparaging and problems at school.

For you, with her documented history, it may not be that hard.  A lot depends on whether this is considered a one-time event or an overall pattern with some level of future risk.  A lot also depends on your determination to call it like it is, that you're the more stable parent.  What also may be significant is something my Custody Evaluator noted, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  If you can demonstrate that you are not only the stable and reasonable parent but that you can also share your child as appropriate, then all that ought to be good for your case.

An example of your reasonableness could be that you express to the court that if the court does not want to assign you sole custody then there are still alternatives to manage the future risks.  What comes to mind are Decision Making, Tie Breaker Status, and/or authority in the parenting order to temporarily suspend her visitation if you become concerned for daughter's welfare due to her behaviors, obstructions, actions or statements.

The point is that you don't just seek full custody and let it be all or nothing.  You could lose and then court could order almost anything, even put mother back in charge (if she was in control before).  The point is to seek for what you consider best but also have fallback positions so you don't totally lose.

These are issues best addressed on our Family Law board.  Please feel free to post there.  You will get many responses with a wealth or ideas, suggestions and strategies.

Remember, YOU are your daughter's best advocate.  Don't be timid in getting a good order that is practical now and practical going forward too.  Don't let anyone convince you that Fathers can't be majority time (primary) parents.  The old "Tender Years Doctrine" automatically favoring mothers over fathers is slowly fading into the past.  You are allowed and even encouraged to stand up as a capable and good Father.  What also can help is making sure you're named as the Residential Parent for School Purposes.