How to Get exBPDbf back? I think I've been split Black

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Hi All,

   I need some advice. I'll try to make this breif. I met a woman about 4 months ago. I'm 52 and she is 42. We dated for at least about a 2.5 months. It was like I met my soul-mate like many of you have mentioned on this site. There were many Red Flags along the way but the chemistry was fantastic and I ignorned many of them. But, I felt that she was into me as much as I was into her. And, sex was out of this world. Things were going along well until I started to asking her about her feelings for me. She would dodge the question saying "Can't you tell". She even told me once that she has a hard time communicationg her feelings to the one's she cares about.

She has 2 young daughters ages 6 and 4. I had not met them yet but wanted to someday soon. I have 3 older kids myself. I tell you this because we had to work around the time we spent together due to her schedule with her kids, which I understood.

Things fell apart suddenly after an evening she went out with her 32 year old single girlfriend(supposedly, when I look back now). She was going to text me that evening and never did. She finally texted me the next morning and told me she stayed at her girlfrinds house last night and they did cocaine til 5am. This really took me by surprise. I'm no square(tried a few things in my teens and 20's) but I would think that a 42 year old professional woman with 4 and 6 year old daughters would be a bit more responsible. We had a difficult conversation about it and she never appologized for never texting me the night before. We resolved the issue(I geuss, I caved instead of enforcing my boudarries). We spent the evening together that night, had breakfast in the morning and things seemed back to normal. But, the next few days she seemed a bit distant. We got together that Tuesday night and I decided to tell her that I was fallling in love with her. She just giggled with a little girl way she had about her but never reciprocated her feelings. She then got a little condescending towards me for no reason. We made love later but she was very cold all of a sudden. The next work day we texted back and forth but it was not the same as before. I did text her at one point commeneting how she never reciprocated her feelings. An hour later, out of nowhere, she sent me a text that she was breaking up with me. She just said that she did not think we were compatible. I tried to call her 2 days later to reconcile but she would not answer. She just sent me a text confirmng the breakup and saying she would miss my big ^%$#(sorry). No emotion, I just felt like an object to her. I sent flowers a week later, no response. I texted her tellng her that my brother inlaw passed away, no response. I left her a couple of voice messages, no response. Then, she blocked my phone number.

I'm leaving a bunch of stuff out but I started to strongly suspect she had a personality disorder and not just based on what I told you about above but a bunch of other stuff too. I'll spare you some of the other details. Although, I never did see the rage side but she told me about a few rages she had in the past. I did not know much about BPD/NPD at the time. But, after doing my resaearch, and comparing her actions, I'm 100% sure she has strong BPD/NPD traits.

I may have triggered her abandonment fears during one of our conversations or she feared that we were getting to close. Not sure why, but I believe she split me "Black". After my numerous tries of contacting her, I gave up. We have been broken up for about 7 weeks and I have not attempted to contact her for about 4 weeks. And, I never heard from her either. I assume she is with a new victim.

Anyway, my questiion: I want to ty to get her back. How do I approach her without alienating her or coming off too strong? In person is out of the question. We don't live too close so if I showed up I'd look like a stalker. I'd have to send her a letter in the mail, can't text(she blocked my cell) or, I can call from my home landline. But, what do I say? Do I keep it simple? Or, do I get all lovey, dovey(don't think that will work)?

I'm looking for any suggestions. Even a suggestion from BPD's or Non's on how to get her to split me White again.

I feel like Sh^T! This has been 10 times harder to get over than any of my other relationships. It's like they take part of your soul.

Thank you all in advance for your help. This site has been getting me through a lot of tough times these last number of weeks.

[LostGhost]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. These situations aren't easy. Coming out of these confusing relationships can be so difficult and beyond anything we've experienced before. As far as I know, it's best to let them come to you. If you pursue, it will trigger her engulfment fears even more and she will surely increase the distance. There's no telling when she might reach out again and you are correct to consider that she may have replaced you. Unfortunately, they usually reach out when they have a need. There's really no way to force them to split you white and any attempts to try will likely result in being painted further black.

You have hard questions to ask yourself now. Is this the kind of relationship you want to have that always follows the same cycle of idealization/devaluation over and over? A relationship whose outcome will always be outside your sphere of influence? Without therapy, it is unlikely anything will change for her. It's time to focus on you now. She will do what she will do. All you can control is how you decide to react if she decides to communicate with you again.

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Thanks LostGhost.

I have begun some introspection & therapy and uncovered some codependency patterns in myself (i.e. past "like" relationships with other women) probably began in early childhood via a loss of my father(death) and the trama it caused my family at the time. I'm trying to work on myself. Very slow progres thus far.

The one good thing that may come out of this is better-ing myself.

But, I'm still a bit stuck on the exBPDgf addiction. If they only knew how much we love them and would even go to thearpy with them to try and make it work.

I appreciate you comments.

God Bless!

[LostGhost]

But, I'm still a bit stuck on the exBPDgf addiction. If they only knew how much we love them and would even go to thearpy with them to try and make it work.

And therein lies the question! Was it love? Or was it addiction? What I had with my ex was bordering on obsession, no different than Gollum and his precious one ring of power! All his thoughts were bent on the ring, as all of ours are spent on our exes. All our time, energy, money, devotion, love, spent on them! And in return we are left with a hollow emptiness when they leave.

You are starting the long process of filling up that emptiness with real and tangible parts. It is a slow process but as long as you keep moving in a forward direction, you will arrive at the point where you realize everything you shared with them, you had inside of you all along. You are reclaiming your identity. I'm not there yet, but I'm going to get there.

I still think of her, quite often. But I recognize the relationship for what it ultimately was - unhealthy, unstable, unsustainable, unchangeable. Most days I still feel like I am standing at the edge of the precipice, preparing to make my ultimate decision. Do I rid myself of this obsession once and for all or do I cling to it for a while longer? I think even once I fully let go, there will be a heaviness on me for the remainder of my life, a scar to serve as a reminder of what I endured. But at least I will move forward, instead of remaining still while life goes on around me. I hope the same for you!

[exBPDgf_Victim]

I'm having a bad day today. I really want to contact my exBPDgbf. We never really had closure after our break-up. I want to send her a letter to try and reconcile and/or get final closure. Everyone I talk to says don't send her a letter. You'll only push her further away.

But, in my mind, I keep wondering if she got scared because we were getting too close or if something I said to her triggerered her abandonment fears. I keep thinking that I should send her a letter that is not "too needy" but expresses that I would like to give our relationship a second chance.

Then, there is another part of me that says it will push her further away and I should wait for her to initiate contact. That's if she ever does and my feeling is she will not. 

I need advise. I would like to hear from both BPD's and Non's.   

[ct21218]

I would leave her alone.  If she wants contact, she will reach out to you.  Her life sounds very unstable right now.  You can't make someone split you white.  Focus on your own issues and what you can do to get healthy.

I'm having a bad day today. I really want to contact my exBPDgbf. We never really had closure after our break-up. I want to send her a letter to try and reconcile and/or get final closure. Everyone I talk to says don't send her a letter. You'll only push her further away.

But, in my mind, I keep wondering if she got scared because we were getting too close or if something I said to her triggerered her abandonment fears. I keep thinking that I should send her a letter that is not "too needy" but expresses that I would like to give our relationship a second chance.

Then, there is another part of me that says it will push her further away and I should wait for her to initiate contact. That's if she ever does and my feeling is she will not. 

I need advise. I would like to hear from both BPD's and Non's.   

[exBPDgf_Victim]

ct21218,

      Thanks for your advise. I have been trying to focus on myself. Making progress very slowly.

I just hope she knows that I would give it another try and be there for her but I would want to know she is willing as well.

Thanks again.

I welcome other perspectives from BPD''s and Non's.

[exBPDgf_Victim]

I'm having a bad day today. I really want to contact my exBPDgf. We never really had closure after our break-up. I want to send her a letter to try and reconcile and/or get final closure. Everyone I talk to says don't send her a letter. You'll only push her further away.

But, in my mind, I keep wondering if she got scared because we were getting too close or if something I said to her triggerered her abandonment fears. I keep thinking that I should send her a letter that is not "too needy" but expresses that I would like to give our relationship a second chance.

Then, there is another part of me that says it will push her further away and I should wait for her to initiate contact. That's if she ever does and my feeling is she will not. 

I need advise. I would like to hear from both BPD's and Non's.   

[Sadly]

Stay clear before she takes all of your soul instead of part of it. 

[Learning Fast]

As others have posted, resist the urge to reach out and let her get back to you.  This is extremely hard but critically important. It will allow you to focus on yourself and emotionally prepare if she does get back on touch with you.  How will you respond?

[SummerStorm]

I was split black, tried to contact her, and then just stopped.  Five weeks later, she sent me a card and some things she had borrowed from me.  I texted her, and she replied.  I didn't text her again for another two weeks, and all I got was a very curt "No" in reply to a question I asked.  Five days later, after she'd broken up with her boyfriend, she texted me.  A week later, she asked if she could live with me.  A month later, she got a new boyfriend and found a new place to live, and she split me black again.  Will I ever hear from her again?  Who knows?  I trigger her abandonment fears worse than just about everyone else in her life, so I doubt it.  She came to me again when she needed me and then discarded me again when she didn't. 

If you really want to talk to her again, then wait.  Just be prepared for the "reunion" to not be what you want.  After she asked if she could live with me and I told her she couldn't, I was the one who initiated contact every time after that.  And I can go back and look at Facebook and see all kinds of things she was posting at all hours of the day (she suffers from insomnia and also works at night), but she would sometimes take 8-10 hours to reply to my texts. 

[exBPDgf_Victim]

SummerStorm,

          Thanks. Sounds like you've been to hell and back too. I'm sorry for you.

Thanks for your insight.

I've been fighting the urge to write her a letter. I just want to talk to her. It's so darn hard. There was that part of them that was soul-mate like and then they turn on you like you never even mattered. And you think, was I in love with a facade?

exBPDgf_Victim

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Learning Fast,

       Thanks for your response. To answer your question: How will you(I) respond?

Well, logically speaking/thinking, I probably should ignore her and not respond since she could not even treat me with any respect by ignoring my messages(post her breaking up) and no response when I sent her flowers, and no response when I messaged her that my brother inlaw passed away. She must have no empathy what so ever.

But, I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to just ignore her at this point. I still love her but I'm not sure if the person that I am/was in love with is the real her or a facade. I'm very confused by the whole thing.


exBPDgf_Victim

[Learning Fast]

I've been in the "respond vs. not respond" rodeo with my ex many times.  Typically they're fishing to see if they still have you hooked or are simply trying to "take your temperature".  My usual response is benign, neutral and similar to how one would respond in a deposition---"Fine, thanks", "All is well", "Have fun" or something that doesn't encourage a response or text exchange. (To be totally transparent, however, our daughters are best friends so I'll have to maintain some type of LC or CC going forward).

[Freeatlast_1]

I am in the same boat. NC x 1 wk, contacted today and had a pretty benign exchange.

I miss her like hell but contacting her would give her an ego stroke which is what I think I did today. Bad idea. I think trying to focus on yourself and sending yourself the texts that you'd want to send her is a good idea. I tried that and it worked. It's strange that when you get your texts, and you're on the receiver end, they might actually sound weak and lame. Then you question how you were gonna send that to your BPD vs/ NBP ex who is lurking for attention.

Also I know they say don't start dating right away, but I find it easier the get through the transition to go out with friends and casual dates, I don't mean to sleep around casually, but meet new people whether you're interested or not. That might get your mind off of her. She might be setting her various traps already. I remember my ex would not want me to see her phone msgs... .red flag!

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Learning Fast,

         Thanks for response. Unfortunately, I have not heard from her at all. It’s been 7 weeks since the breakup. I tried to contact her within the first 3 weeks of our breakup (I left a few phone messages, sent flowers, sent a handful of texts, I even left her a message that my brother in-law passed away). No response from her whatsoever. No empathy from her. I don’t know if she’s narcissistic or what. Not sure if she’s punishing me for something that she wrongly perceived that I did. It really hurt. I have not contacted her nor have I heard from her in 4 weeks. And, she blocked my cell phone number.

I have been contemplating sending her a letter. I just really don’t know what to do at this point. I have a feeling that she will not contact me. I just don’t know.

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Freeatlast_1,

             I can't even get her to respond at all which makes this so painful. I have gone out on a few dates and went out with friends. It has helped a little but, I'm still not over her. It just sucks.

I wish I could just get her to communicate with me.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this, I know that it incredibly painful and confusing - throw in not fair as you likely did nothing to deserve this. Even worse, the more that attempt to make contact, the more that it will likely push her away. Do nothing at all, and her fears of abandonment are confirmed.

If you are committed to this person, why not send her a very succinct message communicating that your acknowledge that she needs space and also that you are committed to your relationship with her? Avoid placing blame (or accepting any) or including any sort of emotional triggers that might be unproductive. Its worth a shot if you are committed to making things work out and lets her know that you understand what she needs and that you are not abandoning her. If you do, you might send it in a way that you have not communicated in the past as the new message might get lumped in with the old and just get trashed. Its an idea... .

[shatra]

There was that part of them that was soul-mate like and then they turn on you like you never even mattered.

----True----I have heard of them making it sound like the relationship barely mattered---one day it's the best one they've had and when they discard it, "It was just a casual dating thing anyway"... .it might be because it hurts them less if they convince themselvs that the relationship was minimal "and it didn' t matter so much to lose it"

[problemsolver]

Learning Fast,

         Thanks for response. Unfortunately, I have not heard from her at all. It’s been 7 weeks since the breakup. I tried to contact her within the first 3 weeks of our breakup (I left a few phone messages, sent flowers, sent a handful of texts, I even left her a message that my brother in-law passed away). No response from her whatsoever. No empathy from her. I don’t know if she’s narcissistic or what. Not sure if she’s punishing me for something that she wrongly perceived that I did. It really hurt. I have not contacted her nor have I heard from her in 4 weeks. And, she blocked my cell phone number.

I have been contemplating sending her a letter. I just really don’t know what to do at this point. I have a feeling that she will not contact me. I just don’t know.

you've thrown the kitchen sink at her... Flowers , texts , a message regarding your family members passing (looking for a response)... If I said this was a lost cause would you believe me? Many have done the same thing you've done... I've tried it all as well. I went NC for a fee months then tried go reconnect, sent a letter, text messages... Did any work? No... She knows how to reach you if she wants to talk... It's a tough pill to swallow but if she wants yo talk to you she will... If she doesn't she won't... This "BPDex win her back" mind set isn't good ... Also generally when they reach out it will be for their need . Nothing to do with you. My BPDex old boyfriend bought her clothes, shoes , took her out... All in an attempt to win her back... But she was with me 98 percent of the time sleeping. With me... Hanging with. Me... Talking about "our" future... Endless sex and fun times... While her ex boyfriend was trying to "win her"... So she left him on the hook for MONTHS... .We eventually split she took him back for one month... Then left him again he essentially chased her for 1 YEAR for 1 month worth of R/S all the time he wasted on her he could of just one found a new girlfriend. Point I'm trying yo make is don't be that guy who holds himself back... It could be 2)3 years from now and your still hooked while she's already dated 4)5 guys.  And moved on you know?

[SummerStorm]

There was that part of them that was soul-mate like and then they turn on you like you never even mattered.

----True----I have heard of them making it sound like the relationship barely mattered---one day it's the best one they've had and when they discard it, "It was just a casual dating thing anyway"... .it might be because it hurts them less if they convince themselvs that the relationship was minimal "and it didn' t matter so much to lose it"

Yes, that's the absolute worst, being the best person they've ever met one day and then being nothing the next.

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Thanks all who responed.

I know that it does not make sense to keep trying. It's like they have cast some kind of evil spell on us. If we had control over our emotions we would just say that we do not deserve to be treated like this and they do not deserve us and we could just walk away.

I have a question regarding Projection: Are pwBPD/NPD able to project their feelings onto Non's?.

Is it possibe that they have projected their abandonment fears onto us and that's why it's so hard for us to let go? I mean, I do understand the BPD/NPD & Co-Dependent dynamic but this horrible feeling just so intense and unexplainable. 

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Thanks to all who responed.

I know that it does not make sense to keep trying. It's like they have cast some kind of evil spell on us. If we had control over our emotions we would just say that we do not deserve to be treated like this and they do not deserve us and we could just walk away.

I have a question regarding Projection: Are pwBPD/NPD's able to project their feelings onto Non's?

Is it possibe that they have projected their abandonment fears onto us and that's why it's so hard for us to let go? I mean, I do understand the BPD/NPD & Co-Dependent dynamic but this horrible feeling just so intense and unexplainable. 

[EaglesJuju]

I have a question regarding Projection: Are pwBPD/NPD able to project their feelings onto Non's?.

Anyone, including pwBPD/NPD, can project their feelings. The recipient of the projected feelings can identify with the projection and start behaving in accordance to those thoughts or beliefs. It is referred to as projective identification.

Is it possibe that they have projected their abandonment fears onto us and that's why it's so hard for us to let go? I mean, I do understand the BPD/NPD & Co-Dependent dynamic but this horrible feeling just so intense and unexplainable. 

I think with abandonment fears, that some people have them and may not realize it. On the other hand, I think detachment works differently for people. It is a process similar to Kubler-Ross' stages of grief. Someone may be stuck in the depression stage for a long period of time, while another moves to another stage quickly. The aftermath of these relationships can feel like you are withdrawing from a drug. You tend to become accustomed to feeling the highest of highs and lowest of lows in the relationship. The euphoric feelings that are so common in a relationship with a pwBPD is addictive in a way.

[shatra]

Summerstorm wrote

True----I have heard of them making it sound like the relationship barely mattered---one day it's the best one they've had and when they discard it, "It was just a casual dating thing anyway"... .it might be because it hurts them less if they convince themselvs that the relationship was minimal "and it didn' t matter so much to lose it"

Yes, that's the absolute worst, being the best person they've ever met one day and then being nothing the next.

=======From what I have read and heard, they are splitting when they do this. Meaning in reality, you are not "nothing" to them. ANd in their calmer moments, they may be aware that in reality, it was not just a casual dating thing, but a meaningful relatiionship. But if they acknowledged that it would hurt, to to protect themselves they devalue the lost relationship

[Learning Fast]

I agree with shatra in that I don't think that the relationship that they had with us is trivial in their minds.  From what I've read most pwBPD have exceptional memories (mine certainly did, in fact, she texted me earlier this week about how we had chaperoned our kid's museum visit together and that she was going to do again with another one of her kids---I had essentially forgot about it) and probably remember some shared experiences vividly.

That being said, the type/style of relationship that you had probably can make a difference (mine was high functioning and I didn't experience the extreme behaviors that are described in many posts).  I think they try to compartmentalize memories of the relationship as they are too painful, hurtful or shameful to revisit.  Finding a new partner quickly assists in the suppression process.