So much pain

[Eyeamme]

I still have not talked to my BPD daughter. It has been about a month (she did not want me to text her because she said I was acting like a 12 year old by texting an answer to her text). I have made the decision to not talk to her for now which means no talking to my grand babies. I love this amazing, funny, smart, talented girl (34) more than anything. She is my baby. I feel such loss. I have been walking around in disbelief that she has uBPD. Here is my problem. I have tried in ever way to validate her feelings. I have given every thing I have. I now have nothing to give. I feel like I have started to compromise my well-being. I feel like I am having a hard time hanging on.

This is going on 30 years of trying EVERYTHING. She has an amazing husband (who I can not tell my certainty of BPD because he will tell her I said it and they will both go off on me). He is under attack 24/7 so I suppose he will figure it out sooner or later. My x husband and son don't talk to her and I can't tell them either.

I am scared... .Actually terrified of the emotional wrath. I feel like I can't win. I feel like I just want to be left alone. I signed up with my husband for Family Connections Weekend. I hope I find an answered how to deal. I am sick of thinking about her.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

J

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I signed up with my husband for Family Connections Weekend. I hope I find an answered how to deal... .

J

I think this is a great idea, Eyeamme! 

You'll have to let us know how it turns out, and what you learn there. When is it going to be? I'm very excited for you; it really could change things for your family 

[Eyeamme]

Thanks!

It is Nov. 7th and 8th

J.

[Rapt Reader]

Very cool 

Gives you more than a week to learn what you can around here, and then expand on that knowledge at the Family Connections Weekend. How very cool!

I can't wait to find out how the weekend went, and what you got out of it 

[AVR1962]

Good for you for giving your daughter her space and time to work her own issues thru and good for you for signing up for the Family Connection weekend.

[lbjnltx]

This is great news, you are blessed to have access to a Family Connections Program!

The Tools and Lessons we have here on the Parenting Board reinforce the Family Connections  platform.  I look forward to hearing about your experience.

lbj

[Eyeamme]

I will take notes and report back :--)

J.

[thefixermom]

Difficult as it is, this sounds like a good time for you to have the break. It's my belief that when we feel depleted it's because, as you indicate, we have given too much, and not protected ourselves with loving authentic detachment. You are wise to not confide in her husband and your ex about the uBPD as it would unite them against you. Are you taking her words personally? Is that what is depleting you so much, aside from not seeing your grandchildren, which is extremely painful, as well.  It is good news that you have a supportive husband, it appears, and such weekend program in place. It is my hope that this gives you the connection and safe place you (we all) need. Looking forward to the report.   

[Eyeamme]

What has depleted me is 30 years of believing everything she told me about me. Finding out that it is probably BPD is making me feel loved me the bottom has dropped out of my reality and I am trying to get a therapist but no one calls back.

Thanks for your reaching out. I feel lost. I feel like I am sleepwalking.

J.

[thefixermom]

Eyeamme, my heart goes out to you.  I suffered for years from a gripping guilt and a sense of total responsibility for my adult daughter.  Sleepwalking is a good way to describe it. Or maybe nightmarewalking!  All the tens of thousands of $'s, the lost sleep, the long phone calls, the rages, blame, long worriesome periods of no-contact, long difficult periods of living together... .and in the end it was never enough to fill the bottomless pit.  But there is real hope.  And it has to do with healing ourselves, allowing forgiveness in and accepting that BPD's live in a different reality and try as we might, we cannot make them see what we desperately believe they need to see.  My relationship with my D has greatly improved. It's not perfect. But as I learned to walk a different walk and not judge or try to change her, over a period of a couple years, things have leveled out.  I'm back to living my life... .still loving her with all my heart... .but no longer playing the same role in her life. 

I'm glad you are here!

[Eyeamme]

Thank you thank you thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders