Why do BPD/NPD's do this(Silent Treatment, Blocking, Strict No Contact?)

[exBPDgf_Victim]

My BPD/NPD GF broke up with me suddenly about 7 weeks ago. I have not attempted to contact her for about 4 weeks. And, I never heard from her either. I assume she is with a new victim.

I may have triggered her abandonment fears during one of our conversations or she feared that we were getting to close or maybe our r/s was keeping her from her implusive behavior like sex, some harder drugs etc. Not sure why, but I believe she split me "Black". After my numerous tries of contacting her within 3 weeks after our breakup, I gave up. Also, I believe that she Blocked my cell phone.

Why do BPD/NPD's do this(Silent Treatment, Blocking, Strict No Contact?) Is she punishing me for something and enjoying it? Or, is she hurting so bad and can't face me? Or, did she do somethng that she is ashamed of and can't face me?

And, do they ever come back?

[JRT]

Sorry that you are going through this... .I know how hurtful and confusing that this is, it seems to defy any logical explanation and it does. Time and distance will eventually make you feel better I promise you.

Why do BPD/NPD's do this(Silent Treatment, Blocking, Strict No Contact?) These are all considered to be different things. The silent treatment is usually happens within the confines of the relationship and is meant as punishment. It is not the same as a cut off where the non is completely cut off from contact. Blocking is one way to achieve that cut off or, where you describe it as 'strict no contact'. The purpose for this is more complex that the Silent Treatment.  Is she punishing me for something and enjoying it? there may be some punishment that is involved and, perhaps some enjoyment, but enjoying causing someone a level of pain is ordinarily associated with NPD. Though, BPD's can also have NPD or others.  Or, is she hurting so bad and can't face me? Her core shame is what is likely the cause. The hurt is likely not the loss of the relationship with you specifically (sorry to say), though it might be an element. She might not be upset at all. Moreover, since you are now a trigger, she might be painfully frightened by the very thought of seeing or speaking with you (mine is for sure).  Or, did she do something that she is ashamed of and can't face me? She has shame for herself associated with self worth. You were too close... .you would eventually see how unworthy she was of your love and attention and you would abandon her. She did it before you could and cut off contact of your post breakup cruel efforts to cause her additional pain and suffering. This is the composite version of the BPD breakup... .

And, do they ever come back? It seems that most do. If I had to guess, most circle back within the first few weeks or months. Mine disappeared over a year ago and I have not hear a peep from her since (even though she has been stalking me here and there). There are other accounts of them returning years or even decades later. I cannot recall any accounts where they disappear forever, but thats only my own observation (frankly, I don't expect mine to ever return).

How long have you been out?

[Pretty Woman]

Silent treatment BPD or not is a passive aggressive form of abuse.

JRT is right. It can be many things, shame, punishment. More often than not they are idealing someone new.  Because they possess a black and white way of thinking (no In between) the ex is usually painted black. As soon as the new person proves they are not perfect (who is) there is a possibility of being painted white again.

Happened to me many times.

The best thing is to try not to rationalize the irrational. Work on yourself and why you attracted your ex... .if and when she returns you will be better equipt to leave the past in the past.

[Freeatlast_1]

That is so true, my ex loved to block me for a few days then unblock me. My messages were delivered however and she usually checked them at her own convenience. It seems to me that blocking is her way of distancing herself so she can detach, And MoveOn from the relationship. Most of the time she feels that, and messages me again. My ex had major issues with being alone, she either had to hook up with somebody, which I never was ever able to prove, Or come back to me. This cycle repeated itself 4-5 times. I cannot get myself to block her, even if I wanted to. Something inside me wants her to contact me. I know it's wrong, illogical, and it is best to go NC all the way. I am NC now for four weeks, hello resisting all urges to contact her. She has not blocked me this time. Maybe now she is indifferent unlike before when she was very emotional.

[Mutt]

Or, is she hurting so bad and can't face me? Or, did she do somethng that she is ashamed of and can't face me?

Hi exBPDgf_Victim,

I'm sorry to hear that. People with BPD ( pwBPD) feel chronic shame, self loathe, and are hard on themselves. Freeatlast_1 has a point, she may not be contacting you because it's too emotional for her.  

[enlighten me]

Hi exBPDgf

A lot of what we see isn't just BPD behaviour. Thing like blocking and no contact are used by many people here to help detach from a relationship.

Why your gf broke up only she knows but what I would say is that she got to a point where she realised it wouldn't work so decided to end it. Whether this was because she had done something and knew that it would ruin the relationship if you found out or because her mirroring of you took her too far away from what she was comfortable with or that she felt she just wasn't good enough for you or a dozen other reasons.

I read once that pwBPD enter a new relationship with certain expectations. They see their new partner as perfect and this is the idolisation phase. As the relationship goes the partner shows their flaws. Were not perfect so its bound to happen. This is when the push pull phase happens. As more and more flaws are exposed the pwBPD sees that we cannot live up to their expectations and they feel conned. Like we feel conned because they mirrored us they feel conned because they thought we were something we were not. This is where the devaluation phase kicks in.

That said it doesn't mean they don't have their doubts and this is where the recycles come in. After the break up they see that you actually weren't as bad as they thought so they can (depending on their guilt, fear of rejection, loneliness etc etc) try and recycle you.

[hurting300]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave me alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

[hurting300]

That is so true, my ex loved to block me for a few days then unblock me. My messages were delivered however and she usually checked them at her own convenience. It seems to me that blocking is her way of distancing herself so she can detach, And MoveOn from the relationship. Most of the time she feels that, and messages me again. My ex had major issues with being alone, she either had to hook up with somebody, which I never was ever able to prove, Or come back to me. This cycle repeated itself 4-5 times. I cannot get myself to block her, even if I wanted to. Something inside me wants her to contact me. I know it's wrong, illogical, and it is best to go NC all the way. I am NC now for four weeks, hello resisting all urges to contact her. She has not blocked me this time. Maybe now she is indifferent unlike before when she was very emotional.

not blocking you this time could mean many different things. If she indifferent she would be healthy emotionally.

[hergestridge]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave me alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

Isn't "silent treatment" when you stay with someone and remain silent and treat your partner with indifference, giving him/her the cold shoulder etc?

From your description it seems you understood that your GF broke up with you even though she just went AWOL somehow. It seems you expect her to communicate differently than what she does.

At the risk of being the devil's advocate I'm going to suggest this: perhaps she doesn't say "it's over" because she doesn't want to have "the talk" that would ensue? That would put her in a vulnerable position, she would have to defend herself and so on. She's BPD and she hates all that.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

[Suspicious1]

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I agree with this - its not particularly disordered for people to get into a relationship, be initially excited by that relationship as you discover someone new, gradually over the weeks establish that maybe they're not for you, and then arrive at the point where you communicate that fact that its not working for you, and end the relationship. I don't think that in itself is a BPD thing, unless recycles start happening and the same behaviour appears multiple times or with.

I've blocked people after a relationship has ended, too. That's only ever because they've been trying to initiate something that I've already said no to, and I need to enforce that boundary. I think ST is a different thing - the purpose of ST seems to be to illicit a response or generate particular emotions. It seems to be used as a punishment, as a way to communicate displeasure, a deliberate withholding of affection, but most importantly it's a temporary thing. My exBPDbf was a master at it.

I see NC as being different because it's not necessarily an unhealthy way to express your displeasure in someone - it can be a healthy way to enforce a boundary when other things have failed, in that it's a permanent cut-off because you don't want that person in your life anymore.

The problem when you've been in a relationship with a person who has BPD is that you don't always know when it's ST and when it's NC. My ex, for example, has a history of giving the ST to people in his family for years at a time. Literally years. And then he paints them white and re-establishes the relationship. I don't think he does the same thing with ex-partners, but I don't know for sure. What he has been doing to me feels more like ST than NC - he hasn't blocked me anywhere and has, in the past, seemed to leave the odd hook for me to see if I'll respond. Of course I could be imagining that. And of course I may be split black forever so none of it matters anyway.

[exBPDgf_Victim]

Wow, a lot of great comments. Thanks.

For the record: She did tell me over text that she did not think we were compatible and that was her reason for breaking up. But, we were together sexually the night before. What lead up to this was - I did communicate my feelings for her that evening and she did not reciprocate. She just giggled in that little girl way that she had(she's 42). I did text her the next day and pointied out that she did not reciprocate her feelings to me. An hour later is when I received the text that she did not think we were compatible and she was breakking it off.

I agree, it is her right to break it off and go no contact. The thing that bothers me is it did seem to happen suddenly and she would not show me the respect to discuss things in person vs breaking up over text. I suggested that we get together in person to discuss and she said no that there might be too much sexual tension. Not exactly sure what that meant. I can only surmize that she detached emotionally but if she saw me in person she might find it hard not to have sex with me? Who knows.

I would have just liked more closure or at least a face to face conversation. And, I'll admit, I still want a second chance. I still love her. I'm just not sure what to do at this point. Any suggestions?

[Unaware]

I have been giving a great deal of thought to the Silent Treatment and No Contact here of late.

I grew up in a home where my father was famous for the Silent Treatment.  It was not a good thing.  You never knew what it was that you may have done or said to create it BUT you knew something was going to come down the pike at you, never knowing when or what, which created anxiety - just waiting for it to play itself out.

The first time or two I experienced the Silent Treatment in my marriage I was quick to explain, the above, to my husband.  Call me crazy but it felt like he did more of it!  The more it occurred the more I would shut down and "wait it out."  Very unhealthy. Also wondered if by shutting down I was guilty of the Silent Treatment as well.  Still unsure.

As for No Contact: I separated from my husband just over a year ago.  Tried during that separation to salvage the relationship with zero results.  I filed for divorce 5 weeks ago.  I've been No Contact for 10 weeks. 

I feel so out of sorts.  The No Contact feels just awful in that it just doesn't feel right to have spent 18 years with someone and never speak to them again.  I know it's for the best, I know it must be done, I know there will never be closure, I  know the safest thing for me is to do exactly what I am doing.  BUT IT FEELS HORRIBLE and just goes against my nature.  It's got a vibe of "Silent Treatment" for me and I hate everything about that!

Not sure what I'm trying to say, convey or even ask.  Any thoughts or experiences on what it is I'm going through?

Thanks,

Unware

[Creativum]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

[hergestridge]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

Oh, yes. Separation anxiety. When my wife left me her view on our current state would change from week to week, without us having had any contact whatsoever. One week we were over, done. Next week we just had a "break". The week after that it was a trial separation. I had just decided it was over so I kept ignoring her messages.

You can't expect a borderline person to leave you and take responsibility for it being final. They don't know what they want. What they want changes from hour to hour. From day to day.

They can be sitting around at home and all of a sudden the good memories come flooding back and then they want you back for as long as the feelings last.

I too grew up with a father like that. And the truth behind that kind of narc tyrant is that their emotions are all over the place and you think you can adjust to it, but you can't. They are unpredictable.

They have everyone on a leash and they are not happy about it. You have to hold the leash yourself. Until then you will be unhappy.

Addition:

The last paragraph was in response to Unaware's message.

[JRT]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

Mine might be a one off of sorts, not sure. Our relationship was in good stead one day and the next day she cut me off entirely. He last message to be was, " our relationship is over... .I've moved out... .don't try to contact me".  Of course I did try to contact her that day, the following wee and a couple of times thereafter. The reaction to those efforts were visits to the police and lawyers to threaten me with a PPO. In my case, she clearly did not leave the lines of communication open ended.

[Mutt]

I agree, it is her right to break it off and go no contact. The thing that bothers me is it did seem to happen suddenly and she would not show me the respect to discuss things in person vs breaking up over text.

exBPDgf_Victim,

I understand.

It can be emotional breaking up face to face, it's less emotional for your ex to break-up over text.

[dobie]

If it helps anyone my exfiance was shame. She had done "nothing wrong" she was the "victim"   how dare I be hurt , angry or upset! far easier to avoid. she is scared to see or face me. for to face me is to face  her "shame" .

It's all about projective identification they "need to be the victim"

That and in my exs case total user she only needs people , new supply ? I'm not needed dobie who?


Good riddence my friends  , life's too short for any of us to be hung up over people who don't want or don't deserve to be in "our lives" BPD or not .

[HurtinNW]

I'm not sure if my ex was more NPD than BPD. My therapist says NPD. He broke up with me many times, always during a rage, and then we got back together again for increasingly watered down cycles of idealization and ever-worsening episodes of severe devaluation. This last time he completely cut off contact. Blocked me, erased me, literally vanished me from his life, all after a rage episode. My therapist calls this "shunning." She believes in my case it is meant to hurt. In fact she says she believes he did it this way to be sadistic.

So I think there are times, depending on the PD, that the person does it to hurt the other person. My ex did a lot of hurtful things in our relationship. He also did the silent treatment, but this is different. It is definitely what people here are calling a discard, and before he discarded me it was like he had to make sure he went completely scorched earth. Interestingly, though he has shunned me and cut off all contact, he is still smearing me to others.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD told me to go away and stay out of her life.  Then, weeks later, she told me to never contact her again.   Less than a month later, she asked if she could live with me.   Once she started idealizing someone new, she discarded me again and said she didn't want to be my friend. 

[cosmonaut]

It's about protection.  When you have extreme emotions, you take extreme measures to protect them.  There may be times when vindictiveness or spite is involved, but in general it is about walling off emotions that are overwhelming.  Think of it as a firewall.

[Kelli Cornett]

You may of scared her off, she may have felt engulfed. Just try to move on 7 weeks is a long time, it's probably over.

[Kelli Cornett]

Sorry she left you. Know how that goes. :'(

[Kelli Cornett]

It's about protection.  When you have extreme emotions, you take extreme measures to protect them.  There may be times when vindictiveness or spite is involved, but in general it is about walling off emotions that are overwhelming.  Think of it as a firewall.

[BlackHoleSun]

It's about protection.  When you have extreme emotions, you take extreme measures to protect them.  There may be times when vindictiveness or spite is involved, but in general it is about walling off emotions that are overwhelming.  Think of it as a firewall.

This is 100% spot on for a "pure Borderline". Sums it up perfectly! Great post!

Another thing to remember is that a lot of people with BPD are simply unable to forgive. Once they feel they've been wronged in some way or pushed beyond a certain point then, they can simply just cut you out of their lives, end of.

For someone that has BPD and is also co-morbid with other PDs then, things can become more complicated. PD or not though, if someone cuts you off and out of their life then you have to respect their decision. It's tough but, if they change their mind and want you back in their life then, they will reach out or at least let you know in some way. The best advice is to focus on yourself, focus on moving forward and becoming a stronger, better, happier person!

[Schermarhorn]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

I fully agree with this, however in the scenario of my ex she told me to never talk to her again multiple times, and would block me. Then a week to a couple months later she would send me a text with the "Is there anything I can ever do to make us okay?" garbage.

[Ex_CB_Partner]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave me alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I strongly disagree. In the moment you´re walking out of the door without giving any explanation you´re making things extremely hard for your partner. It is literally an act of kicking someone in the garbage. The person will torture her-/himself for a very long time with the attempt to find an explanation.

You do have the right to walk out of the door. But a responsible person that cares at least to a minimum degree about the people around her/him gives an explanation. It´s not 'cowardly' not to to that. It is trading the avoidance of an uncomfortable feeling while explaining things that lasts for a few minutes or maybe hours for the other person going through pain, anxiety, self-torturing etc. which might last for months or even years.

Putting your needs so far over the well being and maybe even over the health of any other person and especially over a person that trusted you is far beyond my personal moral borders. Of course these borders might differ from other peoples perception.

[C.Stein]

Another thing to remember is that a lot of people with BPD are simply unable to forgive. Once they feel they've been wronged in some way or pushed beyond a certain point then, they can simply just cut you out of their lives, end of.

This spot on describes my ex.  I was cut out of her life with ease, almost like I had never been a part of it.

[No_End]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave me alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I strongly disagree. In the moment you´re walking out of the door without giving any explanation you´re making things extremely hard for your partner. It is literally an act of kicking someone in the garbage. The person will torture her-/himself for a very long time with the attempt to find an explanation.

You do have the right to walk out of the door. But a responsible person that cares at least to a minimum degree about the people around her/him gives an explanation. It´s not 'cowardly' not to to that. It is trading the avoidance of an uncomfortable feeling while explaining things that lasts for a few minutes or maybe hours for the other person going through pain, anxiety, self-torturing etc. which might last for months or even years.

Putting your needs so far over the well being and maybe even over the health of any other person and especially over a person that trusted you is far beyond my personal moral borders. Of course these borders might differ from other peoples perception.

Thanks for writing this Ex_CB_Partner. I totally agree. Sure everyone has the right to disappear (especially if the relationship is abusive and you fear further abuse) but doing so in an otherwise normal long term relationship is really messed up. There's been times I've wanted out of relationships and I so much would have preferred just not contacting the person anymore and having it go away, but I could never do that to someone I had a close and previously loving relationship with. It's just too cruel and no one deserves to be left like that in limbo with no clue as to what's going on.

My breakup with my BPD ex was super drawn out and I didn't know what was going on. Nobody explicitly said they didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Any attempts on my part to talk or figure out what was going on were met with either silence or vague mixed messages posted publicly to her social networking page. We weren't living together so I couldn't easily talk to her directly. We were really serious and planning to get married so it's not the kind of thing you just shrug your shoulders and walk away from. There's this constant anxiety where you question when you just walk away from a relationship that meant everything to you when you don't even know what's going on and when you're crossing the line by continuing to try to attempt contact with someone who's not giving you clear signals about what it is they want. It's super nerve-wracking and the stakes are too high.

I don't entirely know why they do this. (At least in my case.) Part of me thought she wanted to throw up as many barriers as she could to protect herself and see how much I would endure to "prove" I cared about her. She could have said at any time she didn't want to hear from me anymore if that's what she really wanted. Simple and done rather than dragging it all out so painfully. The other part of me thinks she cared so little at that point and was so cut off emotionally that she simply didn't care at all what I was going through and maybe enjoyed seeing me hurt to "get back at me" for whatever slight she felt she'd unjustly endured. I don't know. Whatever it is, it's pretty messed up.

[problemsolver]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

I fully agree with this, however in the scenario of my ex she told me to never talk to her again multiple times, and would block me. Then a week to a couple months later she would send me a text with the "Is there anything I can ever do to make us okay?" garbage.

^ ... .unbelievable right?... My BPDex used to do similar things but her behaviour baited me in and now I am in trouble (PO) ... ridiculous

[Creativum]

My two cents?  The silent treatment in BPD, as someone pointed out, is dissimilar to a "normal" initiation of No Contact.  Indeed, there's a reason for this, and that is to keep that line of communication/narcissistic supply open.  In a "normal" -- permanent -- break-up, the person will usually say not to make contact again, with the reasonable expectation that such boundary will be respected.  This doesn't apply to all break-ups, of course, but at least it is CLEAR where we stand when such statements are made.

The BPD or NPD person, though, will not typically say that, as the finality of such a statement means that the source of narcissistic supply could effectively be cut off forever.  The silent treatment keeps us waiting with baited breath for their return, whereas a clear-cut "GO AWAY!" would likely signal to us, and them, that there is permanence to the break-up.  By leaving things open-ended, they're holding a rotten carrot in front of us.  Because so many of us were left by a partner with BPD, more or less out of the blue, they know that we are in pain and that they hold the keys to the cabinet with the pain medication, which is re-establishing contact with us whenever they choose to take pity and have mercy on our poor souls.

Make sense?

I fully agree with this, however in the scenario of my ex she told me to never talk to her again multiple times, and would block me. Then a week to a couple months later she would send me a text with the "Is there anything I can ever do to make us okay?" garbage.

^ ... .unbelievable right?... My BPDex used to do similar things but her behaviour baited me in and now I am in trouble (PO) ... ridiculous

Hehe, well, I'm currently getting the silent treatment and enjoying it.  After a rapid recycle (3 days, followed by five days of dicking me around), he reached out again when he was having an emotional crisis.  So, I offered whatever support I could in terms of saying "These people can help you. Do you want me to contact them for you?" and explained to him, at his request, what I had been observing about him over the months.  After that, silence.

[hurting300]

It's not that she went No contact or silent treatment. It's HOW she did it. When I normal person wants out of a relationship, they tell you "it's over" when they do not want to talk to you they tell you "leave mae alone"... silent treatment is different because "leave me alone" is never communicated to you. They just simply stop replying to you after they leave you without telling you. Now if she told it's over I wanna break up then she simply does not want to speak to you. It's painful I know.

One can think it's cowardly and all that, but she has all the right in the world to walk out the door when she feels like it. It's easy to forget that. It is not abuse to leave someone without an explanation.

We can leave our BPD partners and they can leave us whenever they feel like it. And of course it hurts... .like hell!

I strongly disagree. In the moment you´re walking out of the door without giving any explanation you´re making things extremely hard for your partner. It is literally an act of kicking someone in the garbage. The person will torture her-/himself for a very long time with the attempt to find an explanation.

You do have the right to walk out of the door. But a responsible person that cares at least to a minimum degree about the people around her/him gives an explanation. It´s not 'cowardly' not to to that. It is trading the avoidance of an uncomfortable feeling while explaining things that lasts for a few minutes or maybe hours for the other person going through pain, anxiety, self-torturing etc. which might last for months or even years.

Putting your needs so far over the well being and maybe even over the health of any other person and especially over a person that trusted you is far beyond my personal moral borders. Of course these borders might differ from other peoples perception.

thank you. So many people here can't grasp this

[hurting300]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

[Creativum]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

Well, I think as a society we've become a lot more avoidant and childish when it comes to disconnecting from others.  Very passive-aggressive.  To the point that if someone does something to someone, such as standing them up, and we send a single text asking why, the person will tell everyone we're psychotic for having feelings and feeling disrespected.  I guess it's how communication has evolved since the advent of electronically mediated interaction (Facebook, cell phones, etc.).  As a society we are more self-absorbed and narcissistic.  Try online dating, for example.  You send a message to someone "in your league" but they, also a 7, are looking for a 10 and simply ignore your polite approach.  It's not Plenty of Fish ... .It's Too Many Fish!  The silent treatment certainly isn't unique to BPD, but the difference, I think, rests with the reasons for it.  A person with BPD, as has been noted earlier, refuses to cut off the attachment permanently, so the silent treatment leaves the door theoretically open.  A clear-cut demand to cease contact never happens.  It's neither implied nor assumed.  The silent treatment gives them the upper-hand, control over the situation, and the option to resume contact later.  It prevents fears of engulfment AND abandonment at the same time.  It's their perfect weapon.

[enlighten me]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

I think theres a number of things at play with this. It could be to hurt the other person, it could be to escape for their own safety but I think the biggest reason is because most don't have the strength to do it in a different way.

If you think of it as a drug addict wanting to get clean you wouldn't expect them to tell their dealer that it was over and theyre off. A dealer would try to talk them around from it and they may not have the strength to say no.

I know my exgf had a way of turning everything around so it was my fault and I would doubt my reality. Fortunately for me I managed to stay strong and true to my decision. For some though they may end up getting stuck in the FOG.

I do think that after the break is made then an email, text or letter explaining things is the right thing to do. Not just for the ex but to give yourself some closure.

[Beach_Babe]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

THANK YOU!

[JRT]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

Amen to that!

[cosmonaut]

It prevents fears of engulfment AND abandonment at the same time.  It's their perfect weapon.

You are absolutely right that pwBPD utilize withdrawal and silence as a way to protect themselves.  By shutting down and running they are able to distance themselves from a powerful trigger - us.  This is often something that is necessary for them in the absence of better coping mechanisms.  It is hard for us to understand, but they are doing this as an act of self preservation.  It is not so very different from members here going NC for their mental health and well being.  This hurts us tremendously, of course, but understanding the reasons behind the behavior can help us to depersonalize the withdrawal.

Withdrawing is more of a shield than a weapon.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD hates the word "closure."  The last text I ever got from her, over 6 weeks ago, was "Ok."  She hasn't replied to me since.  She never fully closes the door.

[once removed]

The silent treatment gives them the upper-hand, control over the situation, and the option to resume contact later.

we have a choice in that equation, and plenty of control, over ourselves.

[hurting300]

Why do people think it's ok to disappear? Does everyone have poor communication skills and low self esteem these days. Yeah you have the right to leave but dang be an ADULT.

I think theres a number of things at play with this. It could be to hurt the other person, it could be to escape for their own safety but I think the biggest reason is because most don't have the strength to do it in a different way.

If you think of it as a drug addict wanting to get clean you wouldn't expect them to tell their dealer that it was over and theyre off. A dealer would try to talk them around from it and they may not have the strength to say no.

I know my exgf had a way of turning everything around so it was my fault and I would doubt my reality. Fortunately for me I managed to stay strong and true to my decision. For some though they may end up getting stuck in the FOG.

I do think that after the break is made then an email, text or letter explaining things is the right thing to do. Not just for the ex but to give yourself some closure.

Come on enlighten me ... .We're not talking about drug dealers. I poll was recently taken by psychology today, 95 percent of people leaving relationships both abusive and non abusive let the dumped party know why with some form of communication... it's like most professionals will tell you, most of the time when someone just walks away they had severe mental health or very poor communication and thought processes.

[enlighten me]

Hi hurting

I realise theyre not drug dealers but there are a lot of similarities with a co dependant/ BPD relationship and addiction. If you google brain scans of the broken hearted they are very similar to that of an addict. I even believe there is a thread on this subject here. I know how difficult it was for me to break up with my exgf. If it had been any more difficult then maybe I would have just left without a word.

My point was that not everyone is strong enough to make that break from someone in a reasonable manner. I don't know about others but Ive never been one that likes breaking bad news.

Was the poll specifically for BPD relationships or normal ones? Ive never been more confused in my life than I was with my exgf. If I hadn't of been in that state of confusion I would have left it long before. 

[Learning Fast]

"Withdrawing is more of a shield than a weapon"

This is a very important distinction as it helps depersonalize the behavior.  If I could "remove" the BPD from my ex would she have exited the relationship differently?  Most certainly.  While I realize that this is impossible and after spending hours like everyone else becoming educated about BPD, I've become better at depersonalizing much of her behavior.  At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen.

[hurting300]

I think a lot of people throw the personality disorder label around loosely. I've seen normal people act like jerks and ignore someone. And enlighten me it wasn't a BPD poll. They were simply stating why someone would have such poor communication skills. If they left you like that chances are extremely high they left others that way as well.

[hurting300]

Writing a letter. Sending a text. It's the normal thing to do. I know I sound harsh but come on it takes two to tango. My ex accused me of screaming and being outright violent. Was I? Yeah I screamed, and cursed... .But for two years I spoke calmly. Then she walks out without a word?

[shatra]

Learning fast wrote

At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen

====== Can u describe this in more detail?  How does the disorder not allow them to give a reason or explanation.  I am confused about why it so difficult for them to provide a reason or explanation for the breakup?

[hergestridge]

Learning fast wrote

At the time of the departure I was beyond convinced that she owed me a reason or explanation.  Now I realize the disorder wouldn't allow that to happen

====== Can u describe this in more detail?  How does the disorder not allow them to give a reason or explanation.  I am confused about why it so difficult for them to provide a reason or explanation for the breakup?

They are emotionally instable. They have conflicting enotions that fluctuate all the time. Giving you an honest explanation would mean introspection and it would mean they put themselves in a position where they have to stand responsible for things that have happened in the relationship. They can't handle the tough parts. If you would get a "talk" it would mist likely be one where you are the one to be blamed or where things will be swept under the rug.

In short they can't handle pain and giving an explanation is painful.

[Michelle27]

This was a tough thread to read.  I chose no contact for my own healing and I know for me, it was the right decision. After a 3 month therapeutic separation I sat him down in a coffee shop and I told him I couldn't do this anymore and that I needed to move forward and heal from the toxic relationship.  I explained that there was so much damage done that I didn't believe we could ever make it work.  At the time we were separated by taking turns moving from the family home for a week at a time and staying in a rented room.  This was to give our daughter the stability I believed she needed by staying in our home with one parent at all times. 

After I told him I was done and we discussed ways to separate and deal with the home and our daughter, he made secret plans to move out and did so without telling me what he was doing, although a neighbor did call to let me know he was moving tools and furniture out.  When he texted me that I could come to the house, I knew already that he was out and I think he expected me to be surprised but I wasn't.  The next week he was caught stalking me and texted me excuses why he was in the area that I was at the time.  I didn't respond because I knew he was lying.  The next contact I got was an email and after I replied, I heard nothing from him but did hear from his lawyer. 

In our case, no contact is and was necessary for me. I needed time to heal and work on me. I made it clear to him and our daughter that our issues have absolutely nothing to do with her and and they should definitely spend as much time as possible together.  He spent a grand total of 5.5 hours with her in the past 4 months.  Even changed his phone number without letting her or I know the new number.  And I recently discovered that he moved to another city and got a job there. 

My need for no contact was because of his manipulative, creepy behavior (during the last week of our therapeutic separation there were some inappropriate sexual comments and an attempt to take my clothes off that actually scared me).  For so many years, I believed the words he stated even when there was no follow through.  I do think his no contact is designed to punish me, and our daughter.  I do believe there is a difference in how and why it is done.

[Learning Fast]

hergestridge----exactly.  Coupled with the fact that their emotional instability is at its apex when they depart (which is precisely why they are leaving) means the disorder trumps expected behavior.  I did receive a terse "I'm moving on" text which was more excuses and blaming than reason or explanation.  I think that we would be hard pressed to find someone who has received a face-to-face or phone call goodbye as that would cause them far too much emotional pain.

[SummerStorm]

hergestridge----exactly.  Coupled with the fact that their emotional instability is at its apex when they depart (which is precisely why they are leaving) means the disorder trumps expected behavior.  I did receive a terse "I'm moving on" text which was more excuses and blaming than reason or explanation.  I think that we would be hard pressed to find someone who has received a face-to-face or phone call goodbye as that would cause them far too much emotional pain.

Neither one of my goodbyes was face-to-face or in person.  Even the last message I got from her when she tried to commit suicide was a text.  And really, neither one was actually a "goodbye."  The first was, "Go away."  The second was, "You're crazy."  Five days later, I texted her again, and she replied, but her last message to me was, "Ok."   

Her ex-boyfriend never even really got a final goodbye.  She said they should just stop trying and then started packing her stuff.  A month later, she still had things at his place and would stop by when he was at work, to get her mail.  Then, on her birthday, the day after she told me she had finally found a new apartment, she went to his place and stole $300 from him.  He called her the next day, to confront her about it, and she hung up right away.  He hasn't heard from her since.  She wouldn't even reply to him when he asked her to come and get her rabbit from his place, so he ended up giving it away.