How do I get it through my head?

[Eyeamme]

My uBPD daughter just had her husband call me to see f I really wasn't coming on Xmas. I held my ground and said "no". I explained I needed some time away from my daughter. Poor guy. I wish I could save him.

I got the text telling me for the 10th time our relationship is over and so is my relationship with my two grandsons.

I throw in the towel on this relationship. No therapist will call me back. I can't do this anymore.

J.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

I feel so needy on this board right now but I feel like I am going crazy. My uBPD has escalated the insanity and I can't do it anymore. I went NC and her husband called me. I know she made him call. My heart breaks for him having to do her "work". I told him how hurt I was (I didn't go into detail) and told him that my daughter needs therapy. He turned around and told her and she went off on me in email (forgot to block her). She has told me at least 5 times that I was out of their lives and will never see the kids again.

My heart is broken. I have called 5 therapist and not one has called back. I need a therapist. I have gone through 30 years of this not knowing. I was totally codependent and take 50% responsibility. I had no clue.

I am so tired. I want help. I feel like I have been in a cult and just woke up.

[AVR1962]

You are not needy, do not think that way, that only hurts how you see yourself. You have reason to feel h way you do. You have been down a rough road, you have come to a point that you can not take anymore, tired of being politically correct with every word that come out of your mouth, tired of trying to understand and help only to be gossiped about and yelled at and called names. Now the very person you love with all your heart is telling you to stay away, that you cannot have interactions with your grand children and sh is wondering if you are going to her house for Christmas? If that was me telling you this, what would be your response? Lady, you made the right choice, telling your son-in-law that you can do this at this point and you need a break is a wise choice. Can you imagine what it would be like to be in that house this Christmas? More than likely though your son-in-law supports his wife, as well should be so I would be really careful what you say to him.

At one point my daughter had left her second husband... .told me that he was being abusive, the reason she left her first husband and I don' think either were abusive men. She had him convinced that she was going to see a "friend" who just happened to be male and stay with him for 2 weeks. How do you convince your husband that you are going to stay 2 weeks in some man's house but that you are just friends and everything is innocent? When she extended her vacation he became suspicious that this was more than friends and he called me wanting answers. I knew what was going on because she was telling me and this was not innocent by far, she had planned to leave her husband. I told him I had no idea what was going on between them. I did ask him if he was being abusive to her and the kids as she had claimed. He then speaks to his mom and they come up with this plan that he fills me in on, tells me that he has decided to cut off her funding to bring her back home and he did that. She started back home, telling me she was going back to get her kids and leave again. I asked her to please try and work it out with her husband one more time, for the sake of the kids... .her oldest had already got to know second husband as dad and here she was doing the same thing all over again. She became furious an shouted, "You always do this," and hung up. She got home and her kids were not there. Her mother-in-law decided to keep the kids, this made her upset again as this blocked yet another plan of hers.

What does she then do? She starts yelling family that I told her husband that she was having an affair when she wasn't. Talk about look bad on her... .no one in the family agreed she should be leaving her kids to go stay 3 weeks in some man's house even if they were just friends so at least with my family this backfired on her but she blamed me and would not speak to me for months. I was very very careful and yet I was blamed. Only thing I could have done differently was not get involved at all and that is what I have practiced since, to not get involved.

Don't try to help her, she has to figure this out for herself. If she eventually decides she really wants you to go to her place for Christmas and actually contacts you calmed down maybe you can tell her, "I didn't think you wanted me to come and I didn't think you wanted me to have contact with the grand kids, did I hear you correctly?" It would be interesting to know what her reply to that would be. She doesn't care about your feelings so I would not mention how this made you feel but you can draw some boundaries and say something like, "I love you and want a relationship with you but what has been going on between us is very damaging to our relationship." and then go from there.

[Eyeamme]

AVR1962,

Thank you so much. It sounds like your road has been the same as mine. I so appreciate you sharing your story because it helps me. I am sorry for the pain you are going through.