Am I doomed to deal with this forever?

[Andrea_]

Nearly eight months ago I made the decision to cut my sister out of my life. I had lived 24 years on this earth with her as a toxic influence in my life. I realized that nothing has changed or improved, and if a 31 year old hasn't made any strides in working on themselves, how long am I supposed to wait? I decided to stop waiting and move on.

Of course, cutting out my sister isn't that easy. My life is easiER without her directly in it, but she does still find a way to stir things up. She has attempted to contact me countless times, which I never respond to. But I am left fuming every time she does it. I still get very enraged when my parents tell me about how SHE is giving THEM crap because I do not want to have a relationship with her.

The most recent example began last weekend when my mother brought me a gift and said it was from my sister. My mom said that my sister wanted to "respect my boundaries" by delivering the gift through an intermediary. Now both my mom and my dad have been pretty good at not getting in the middle of this. Which is good. They don't need to get involved. Of course my sister tries to get them on "her side" and are convinced at times that they are on "my side". Anyway, I told my mom to please return the gift to my sister and tell her thanks for the gesture but I am not going to accept gifts from her as I consider it communication and breaking a boundary. My mom said that I was putting her in the middle by asking her to do that. I told her that she put herself in the middle by bringing the gift here in the first place, and even if she thinks she's doing something nice on my sister's behalf, to not do so in the future.

Now last night my dad calls me and says "what did you do to upset your mother last weekend?" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said that he was just talking to my sister who told him that my mom came home crying last weekend (my mom lives with my sister FYI) after she came to see me and my mom won't tell her what happened. I explained to my dad that she must have been upset over me asking her to return the gift. My father got upset with me and said that I should have just accepted the gift and not upset my mother. He said because she has anxiety issues and an extremely co-dependent relationship with my sister, I should have known better than to ask my mom to do that because she will have to face my sister's wrath by doing so. I explained that I can't own that and I'm not going to enable a pattern of letting my mom get in the middle and let my sister disrespect boundaries. He said I should think about it more because that's not the best thing to do for my mom.

Well, I've thought about it more and I still feel the same way. Also this means that my mom did NOT return the gift to my sister, so she is under the impression that I accepted it. That really pisses me off and I want to be firm with my mom about returning the gift but I don't want to set her off into another anxiety attack! She needs to take responsibility for what she did, not me. I feel really disrespected that my mom wouldn't give her the gift back. I'm so annoyed with my sister for getting my dad upset and calling me about it. How did she turn this one issue into a family affair when I HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED TO HER. I am so frustrated! Am I doomed to deal with this FOREVER? when will she get the hint that I want to be left alone.

[Panda39]

Hi Andrea_

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your sister and by extension your parents.  Has your sister been diagnosed with BPD or are you like many of us here and she meets much of the criteria?

Are you in therapy at all?  It sounds like No Contact is helping you live your life without so many complications.

I also wanted to say good for you upholding your boundary it can be tough  

Next time if your sister tries this again take the gift from your mom and mail it back to your sister.  That takes your mom out of the triangle and you still up hold the boundary.

I doubt that you will be approached that way again because you upheld your boundary but you can pretty much count on your sister trying to boundary bust... .only the approach will be different next time.  

Hang in there and continue to take care of and protect your own well being.

Panda39

[healingdaisy]

good job imo, in upholding your boundaries and standards   

I've been dealing with BPD's for a long time and I've found that the best thing about it is that they teach you that if you don't take care of yourself and uphold your boundaries, they exhaust you and can seriously damage your life with drama and chaos.  do what is right for you.  others will always have an opinion and as long as we aren't acting in a way to intentionally hurt them, but to take care of ourselves then they can (and often will) have their tantrums and act out all day.  I find it more healthy to focus more on the things in my life that I do have power over... .my interests and healthy relationships    so surround yourself with friends that care about you and hobbies that interest you.  you will find it takes the weight of a pd out of your life, but also that life becomes a lot more friendly. because you can't change them. x

[Andrea_]

Hi Andrea_

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your sister and by extension your parents.  Has your sister been diagnosed with BPD or are you like many of us here and she meets much of the criteria?

Are you in therapy at all?  It sounds like No Contact is helping you live your life without so many complications.

I also wanted to say good for you upholding your boundary it can be tough  

Next time if your sister tries this again take the gift from your mom and mail it back to your sister.  That takes your mom out of the triangle and you still up hold the boundary.

I doubt that you will be approached that way again because you upheld your boundary but you can pretty much count on your sister trying to boundary bust... .only the approach will be different next time.  

Hang in there and continue to take care of and protect your own well being.

Panda39

Hi Panda39,

Thanks for the kind and understanding welcome. I really appreciate it.

My sister has not been diagnosed with BPD, but yes I do feel she fits EVERY characteristic of the condition. It is definitely my belief that she has it.

No-contact has been working pretty well. Definitely much more peaceful than before and I know while it's not an easy decision, it's the best thing I can do right now and maybe forever. I am not sure how else to manage a healthy relationship with her.

Thank you for the advice about mailing the gift back to my sister if this happens again in the future. I actually wish I had thought of that beforehand. I just proposed the idea to my mom half-assuming that she still hadn't returned the gift yet, but she said she did. Oh well.

You have a good point too that I can probably always count on my sister to try and break down boundaries. That's been the case since I ended contact this March, and she just keeps coming up with different ways! so I guess your answer to my initial question is that yes, I probably can count on dealing with this forever. I will have to learn to adjust.

Thanks again for the understanding words. It seriously means a lot.

good job imo, in upholding your boundaries and standards   

I've been dealing with BPD's for a long time and I've found that the best thing about it is that they teach you that if you don't take care of yourself and uphold your boundaries, they exhaust you and can seriously damage your life with drama and chaos.  do what is right for you.  others will always have an opinion and as long as we aren't acting in a way to intentionally hurt them, but to take care of ourselves then they can (and often will) have their tantrums and act out all day.  I find it more healthy to focus more on the things in my life that I do have power over... .my interests and healthy relationships    so surround yourself with friends that care about you and hobbies that interest you.  you will find it takes the weight of a pd out of your life, but also that life becomes a lot more friendly. because you can't change them. x

Thank you healingdaisy! That is such good advice. I have also realized that the best thing is to take care of myself because I do not deserve to live a life of drama, chaos, and if I'm being quite honest... .abuse! I am strong in that conviction and I knew that ending contact was the best thing to do for my sake. To this day she believes that I am still angry with her over one fight that triggered this decision. It wasn't that fight. It was ALL the fights. It was the relationship. I know on my end that I'm just trying to make a healthy choice for an unhealthy situation and it's not about spite or holding a grudge.

I understand now that with BPD it's the feelings that get in the way of facts. She will likely always view my decision to end contact as abandonment and rejection. I had expected her to try and reconcile and apologize, but I guess I thought she'd stop and accept things after a few months, not still trying to break boundaries eight months later. It's disappointing to realize that this is probably going to continue, but I will learn to manage it when it happens and to embrace the excellent advice you gave about focusing on the positive and healthy things in my life and what I CAN control.

I just want to say it's really nice to have this understanding from others and already I feel like I have a lot more strength and confidence in managing life with a sister with BPD. Seriously, just to have replies from people who get it means a lot! I didn't hear any "wow how could you cut off your own sister?" or "wow your sister just wanted to be nice and give you a gift what's wrong with that?" means a lot .

[Panda39]

Seriously, just to have replies from people who get it means a lot! I didn't hear any "wow how could you cut off your own sister?" or "wow your sister just wanted to be nice and give you a gift what's wrong with that?" means a lot .

Your friends have no idea about BPD because they probably don't see it.  It is those closest to the person with BPD that typically see the behaviors and are victims of it.

I'm on this site because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  When we first got together and he started to describe is ex I didn't fully understand what he was talking about.  It took me a little while to see her in action before I began to get that something was off.  Neither of us knew about BPD it was until I Googled "Chronic Lying" and BPD came up in the search.

So your friends don't understand that the gift your sister was giving you came with a million strings attached.  PwBPD (People with BPD) are masters of the use of FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

My SO's daughters just returned a gift to their uBPDmom.  D19 is very low contact (a very occasional text) and D15 is low contact but continues to try and have a relationship with her mom.  Mom has been using D15 for information on D19.  Mom missed both girls birthdays and then began to promise D15 a Tablet.  One day she said she was going to bring it over.  She came over and gave it to D19!   So the message D15 gets is you aren't as important as your sister and D19 gets a bribe   .  The girls and their dad all decided the Tablet needed to go back.  It was a toxic "gift".  So I totally get why your gift went back both in terms boundaries and strings.

Below is a link to further information on FOG if your interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I encourage you to check out the box to the right each item is a link with more information to check out, maybe start with the Lessons Links (sounds like you are already doing Lesson 1) ----------------------->

You are not alone we all "get it".    Let us know how we can help you and I encourage you to share your experience and respond to the posts of others.

Panda39

[healingdaisy]

I just want to say it's really nice to have this understanding from others and already I feel like I have a lot more strength and confidence in managing life with a sister with BPD. Seriously, just to have replies from people who get it means a lot! I didn't hear any "wow how could you cut off your own sister?" or "wow your sister just wanted to be nice and give you a gift what's wrong with that?" means a lot .

I know what you mean about support forums like this.  imo BPD isn't very well known so its sometimes impossible to get understanding from others.  i'm glad you are here  

[Andrea_]

Seriously, just to have replies from people who get it means a lot! I didn't hear any "wow how could you cut off your own sister?" or "wow your sister just wanted to be nice and give you a gift what's wrong with that?" means a lot .

Your friends have no idea about BPD because they probably don't see it.  It is those closest to the person with BPD that typically see the behaviors and are victims of it.

I'm on this site because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  When we first got together and he started to describe is ex I didn't fully understand what he was talking about.  It took me a little while to see her in action before I began to get that something was off.  Neither of us knew about BPD it was until I Googled "Chronic Lying" and BPD came up in the search.

So your friends don't understand that the gift your sister was giving you came with a million strings attached.  PwBPD (People with BPD) are masters of the use of FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

My SO's daughters just returned a gift to their uBPDmom.  D19 is very low contact (a very occasional text) and D15 is low contact but continues to try and have a relationship with her mom.  Mom has been using D15 for information on D19.  Mom missed both girls birthdays and then began to promise D15 a Tablet.  One day she said she was going to bring it over.  She came over and gave it to D19!   So the message D15 gets is you aren't as important as your sister and D19 gets a bribe   .  The girls and their dad all decided the Tablet needed to go back.  It was a toxic "gift".  So I totally get why your gift went back both in terms boundaries and strings.

Below is a link to further information on FOG if your interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I encourage you to check out the box to the right each item is a link with more information to check out, maybe start with the Lessons Links (sounds like you are already doing Lesson 1) ----------------------->

You are not alone we all "get it".    Let us know how we can help you and I encourage you to share your experience and respond to the posts of others.

Panda39

Wow! That sounds so incredibly hard to deal with, especially as the clearly loving and concerned individual you are with a partner who has this ex and who has his children as their mother. I feel for them immensely... .it's so hard having a sister with these BPD characteristics, I could not imagine my own mother with that. Thankfully, my mom does not seem to have BPD. I just can't imagine the trauma and emotional turmoil that would entail! I am so sorry for your partner's children.

Also thank you for your understanding that a "gift" from someone with BPD is not a true gift.

I just want to say it's really nice to have this understanding from others and already I feel like I have a lot more strength and confidence in managing life with a sister with BPD. Seriously, just to have replies from people who get it means a lot! I didn't hear any "wow how could you cut off your own sister?" or "wow your sister just wanted to be nice and give you a gift what's wrong with that?" means a lot .

I know what you mean about support forums like this.  imo BPD isn't very well known so its sometimes impossible to get understanding from others.  i'm glad you are here  

Thank you healingdaisy! Your words mean so much. I wish BPD was more understood by people, especially by my own sister who I believe suffers from it. How do I just tell her "hey you have borderline personality disorder, please get some DBT" you can't just say that!

[Panda39]

Andrea,

Here is a link about "Getting" someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

This link came from the "Lessons" Managing Your Relationship Link in the box to the right ----->

Everything in the box to the right is a link to further information just click on what ever topic you want to know more about.

Panda39