BPD friend/employee

[Pzbq1975]

Hello All,

This is my first time posting here and I'm hoping someone can help me with the relationship problem I am experiencing.  Sorry this is long and somewhat disorganized as this is very complicated.

I have known my BPD friend (we are both females) for roughly 4 years because she is my employee. Because my job requires so much traveling and close relationships, we have a friendship as well. I have had issues with her as an employee. She seemed to exhibit bullying behavior and had trouble with social media boundaries with clients. She ran off at least 2 clients because of it. I spoke with her on each of these occasions and she corrected her behavior immediately and permanently and verbally was remorseful.

Fast forward to 5 months ago, we became closer. Texting almost every night for several hours. I was going through a rough spot with my husband and she filled the emotional void. She seemed very empathetic over my issues and was a definite boost to my self esteem. She was always telling me how great I (or various parts of my life) was. I realize now this is the idealization and seduction part of the relationship.

We both separated from our SO's. I separated from my husband and she separated from her long-term boyfriend.   We continued texting all day long and for hours for several months.

In the last month, she has exhibited many of the hallmark symptoms of BPD. The push and pull, poor communication, one day she loves me, the next hates me and is trying to punish me. She has been lying about a lot of things (where she is, what she is doing, her health).  She has been jealous anytime I talk about or spend time with other people.  Recently, I have communicated with her when I noticed these behaviors and she apologized and said she didn't even know she was doing it.  Her communication skills have been nonexistent since. She takes everything personally. She has told me that she is dissociating and extremely depressed and anxious and even suicidal last week. She confided in me that she was sexually abused as a child. She has a really rocky relationship with her mother and will not talk about it. She refuses therapy stating nobody can help her. She always seems to need to be the victim.  She does not communicate her needs (admits it) and does not trust people (admits that too).  She always says she didn't not know she does or feels the way she does but that she hates herself and apologizes profusely.  She says she can't keep friends or have good relationships.

At one point in our friendship, I told her I had feeling a for her beyond a normal friendship (her intensity and charm was too much for me). She didn't say anything but kept hanging around me.  Actually, she became more flirtatious. I asked her if she felt the same way and she said no "absolutely not, never."  Her attempts to impress me became more intense and confusing. She was making me gifts, texting more, standing up for me at work, etc. So when the opportunity presented itself, I made a move and she rejected it and told me no. I moved away from her and apologized and she cried for 5 hours after that during our trip. I'm still confused about that. She said it didn't bother her and accepted my apology. From the point forward, I started getting wise.

During my own therapy appts for dealing with my marriage, I learned that I am codependent and have poor boundaries.  I learned that I attract people who will deny me because that is all I know. Hence failed relationship with husband and this friend.  So I have been learning healthier ways to communicate.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. I caught my friend in a lie and told her that I could no longer be her friend. That we need to go back to boss/employee only like before. She begged me to not leave her. That she couldn't stand to lose me and she would do anything to regain my trust. I held firm and haven't spoken with her outside of work since. She is avoiding me at work which is going to create problems if it continues.

Looking back, I'm really ashamed at myself for getting involved with her outside of work. I'm ashamed at how I allowed her to seduce me. I'm ashamed at how I have behaved.

I miss her terribly. I'm angry but I'm broken and feel lonely and of course learning more about my own problems is upsetting.

Any insight on any of this? Should I keep her at a distance or rekindle our friendship with improved and known boundaries in place? I know this is hard on her and it is on me too.

[once removed]

hi Pzbq1975 and

im glad you found us . i think youll find many members here who relate to your story. sometimes, being a loved one of a pwBPD can feel like a full time job. you may already know, that generally, the closer one is to a pwBPD, the more volatile the relationship can become. a criteria of BPD is a history of unstable relationships. so whether friend, ex, family member, most of us can relate to the wild highs and lows, the idealization and devaluation.

it sounds like youre doing great work on yourself. i can see why it would feel upsetting and overwhelming to be coping with what youve been through, and now feeling forced to confront some painful issues  . i can tell you that youre in good company in that department as well; these relationships often have a way of bringing our issues to our attention. sometimes we thought they were behind us, or we didnt realize they were there. ultimately, we often find that this process serves us greatly in our journey and in the future.

it sounds like this situation is in a cooling off period, but obviously tense at work. we have lots of tools that can assist you. i recommend starting with the links directly to the right, beginning with stopping the bleeding.

and please keep posting, letting us know how youre doing, and asking questions. we are here for you

[OnceConfused]

just be careful, she could sue you and your company for sexual harassment as a superior/subordinate situation. It could be a HUGE PROBLEM for you, since she can say in court that she had said no to your advances but you continued. You will have no defense at all.

You will need to begin the road to healing by finding things to do socially - new dancing class, volunteer at church ... .That is the only way out of this.

Keep a professional interactions. Fight the urge to go back to the friendship stage.