Annihilating abandonment panic-I think I'm the one w BPD and have lost him :'(

[Senra]

Hi everyone, it's been a long time since I've been here, years! I've successfully left my uBPDbf and entered into a new rs that seems to be triggering and bringing to the surface all kind of unresolved issues for me. I actually just spent a significant period of time typing the whole thing out here and it wouldn't let me post bc it was too long but it actually gave me a little more clarity in writing it, at least. I started writing it w the point of asking how to deal w my panic around my current bf's cutting me off/silent treatment/fear of engulfment and ended it realizing I think he's reacting pretty normally to my behaviors and feelings due to a fear of abandonment  Although I think he still might have some BPD tendencies. I don't think either of us meet the full criteria but w me anyway there is definitely stuff going on!

Anyway, there is an exceedingly complicated backstory and history to our rs leading up to this point and even what I thought was an annotated version was too long to post so I guess I'll stick more to my immediate issue. Basically our rs has been a forbidden rs for career reasons so it's been quite complicated and stressful but it's also the first rs in my life that I've felt completely safe and taken care of and free to open up and be vulnerable (I'm 42 BTW, not my first rs rodeo, been married etc). I'm realizing I have probably effectively transferred all of my unresolved attachment needs onto him and it's all of a sudden too much. He, being a guy, has a tendency to shut down and we had had one incident where he actually shut down, cut me off/ended the rs after some pretty severe/significant logistical problems bc of our situation, but that's what caused me to start thinking maybe he had BPD bc it was so "other" to his normal, rational, compassionate self, and when I started to treat the situation as a BPD dysregulation/fear of engulfment he responded really well. That was 3 months ago and nothing of that sort had happened again, we don't have conflict or arguments etc. Except I'm realizing how completely inept I am at asking for my needs to be met to the point where ended up letting things build up over time and then completely blindsiding/overwhelming him w telling him I was in this desperate abandonment panic bc I didn't feel I was a priority to anyone, at which point he tried to be understanding but wasn't saying the right things (bc I wasn't being clear that it was HIM I didn't feel I was a priority to), which only reinforced my feelings that I was accurate abt this assumption of mine. He kept saying "I'm sorry babe, are you OK, I know how that feels" which to me at the time meant he was saying "I'm sorry I can't make you a priority and at this point just pity you and have no sensitivity at all to how you're feeling"... wow just realizing this as I'm writing it how BPD that was of me wow! The distorting! Anyway finally he said "What can I do to help?" At which point I said "Well aren't you clearly saying you can't help?" and then he shut down (I can't imagine why!)

Then I sent a message explaining more directly that I didn't feel like a priority to him (our schedules are crazy busy, we don't live near each other, we both live w family making sleeping over difficult, etc) and that that was fine but it meant I'd need to re-prioritize my life as well. That when we "came out" w our rs that it was supposed to make us more connected and be able to spend more time bc we weren't having to hide but that I felt more disconnected than ever and that we just needed to be on the same page and communicate. He pulled back and stopped responding to me and I kept sending lengthy messages as I processed the situation, taking more responsibility for the situation that I hadn't communicated what I needed, etc. He had traumatized me before w the cut-off that happened and had promised he'd never do it again although it's happened again :///// Not the break-up part but he's just gone silent now.

He had actually read all these messages I was sending and we were starting to re-connect through texting and I figured I'd see him Mon night and we'd talk bc that's our night but starting on Fri night he just stopped responding entirely w the exception of responding to a cpl of funny things I wrote. I was trying to seem light abt the situation that it wasn't this huge heavy pressure and had sent him a bunch of other messages to that effect, taking responsibility for making him responsible for my feelings etc etc etc, but he hasn't read them and I'm feeling insanely triggered. I decided 4 days ago to just stop messaging him entirely, I told him I would stop bc he was obviously shut down and he had told me after the last time that he does do that bc he freezes and can't process info and also from last time I knew that he gets irrational and can't process facts even when they are put in front of him, if his mind is made up when he's in that state then it's made up (another thing that made me think BPD ).

So... .I'm in this abandonment panic and it's annihilating me. I feel like this is his way of ending the rs like last time, cutting me off, and to make it worse he's refusing to read my messages so I have no control. I'm trying to keep it in perspective considering how he feels and that he needs time but I feel like I'm dying. It makes no rational sense that I'd never hear from him again considering the seriousness of his rs, we've met each other's kids, and he just doesn't act impulsively in ways that affect his kids but maybe that doesn't matter to him now idk, he could easily tell them we just broke up, although then they'd tell their mother and I don't think he would want others to know this info without telling me first. I'm torn between this is more me than him and in any case what I should do now. He told me before he would never go completely silent for more than week, so is that the point I should make contact if he does go that long? I need to know if this is an end to the rs or not! I'm so panicked. Yesterday I decided I needed to do something abt this abandonment pain and ordered a workbook from Susan Anderson(?) and have been going through it but I reached a point where I felt like it was hard to apply bc I don't even know if this is an abondonment or not and he's not allowing me to communicate w him. What do I do?

[patientandclear]

Calm down, don't make rash decisions and announcements, and try to absorb that your zigging and zagging is confusing to him, and mostly, that your overwhelming doubts and need for reassurance would be hard for anyone else deal with without a few hiccups. He was trying. ("How can I help?" You were bitter and scared ("aren't you saying you can't help?". This is not a disaster, but you'll make it worse if you continue to make him feel like no matter what reasonable and basically OK things he does, he can't do enough, can't meet your needs, makes you unhappy, is failing you. No one likes to hear that.

I'd say less is more right now. You've been swamping him. Find a way to show him or let him know in due course that you realize you've been responding fearfully because of issues in your past. You realize he is not causing it, and though it would be good for you two to be able to process small misunderstans and state needs, this has snowballed because of your past experiences. That you will get a grip with help from other resources. Then make a joke of some kind and mean what you say and use other resources (meditation, therapy, meds) to manage your anxiety so you can show up and really process what he IS saying and doing, not what you fear.

He's responding when you're light because he needs you to get your emotional house in order and was probably hoping the light msgs signaled that you were doing so.

[Senra]

Hello thank you for replying, yes I actually did start to tell him that this was my own stuff and exactly everything else that you're saying but he won't read the messages  I know I could articulate things even better and more concisely so as not to overwhelm him more right now but the fact he hasn't read my messages as far as I know means he's not even processing any of it. I think he's probably shut off notifications from me on the texting app we use so I'd have to send him an email or something but idek if he would/could read that right now and besides it's probably too soon. I just don't know how long to wait, I'm feeling so panicky and desperate. I've never felt this way before in my life. I feel so ashamed for being so weak and stupid. I feel I should have known better I am in a helping profession.

I realize I've transferred an entire life full of not getting what I needed onto him and that I now need to rely on myself to save me from this and not him. I'm realizing through writing all this out earlier how brutally witholding I am toward myself, punishing almost, to the point where it's like I'm trying to see how much I can take before I break and someone has to take care of me, bc that's the only acceptable condition under which I can accept/ask for my needs to be met... :'( I never thought all this would get so out-of-control...

[Senra]

I just sent him an email w the gist of what you were saying and am just trying to just let things go now. I did say I knew he was taking space and should do that at his own pace but if his silence meant more than that to please don't be afraid to tell me.

I have so much anxiety and panic right now it's the best I can do, I couldn't bear having to wait indefinitely until I sent him another message. As it is I feel horrible now bc I'm again waiting for him to respond to me but I guess I need to just accept the reality that this might be just his way of breaking up w me :/ Which makes little rational sense but in my head I am convinced that this is happening and I'll never hear from him again. Esp since he's gone silent before and then broken up w me (bc I was super reactive), but how long would it have been if I hadn't messaged him that time? How long do I wait before I decide it's the end of the rs? How do I explain this to my daughter who loves him and when? Why am I having such irrational panic and anxiety over this? I seriously have to just start grieving the loss of the rs bc I can't stand this limbo it is unbearable, not knowing if he's just taking space or if he's breaking up w me. I could even handle a breakup if I felt like he had heard everything I had to say before he made the decision but this is awful, now I'm worried like what if he doesn't see the email/it gets lost somehow in his email list of messages wow I feel so crazy ://///

It's so odd that the fear of possible impending abandonment is worse than the idea of having to deal w the loss of the rs? Like the not knowing? If I knew I would feel like I had more of a sense of control but right now I'm stuck in this awful limbo. I know you said this wasn't a disaster but to me it's a disaster that I "know" is happening but just hasn't yet and it's killing me.

[Senra]

I feel like him totally ignoring me last Monday on the night we usually get together, refusing to answer my phone call, and then the next morning just replying "Hey" when I sent him something short and funny seems like such a clear indication it's over? Plus the fact he knows abt my anxiety w him not responding to me, I feel like he just checked out entirely from caring, which I suppose would make sense, but for how long gahhh this is terrible... .I have like a small speaker system at his house how long long should I wait until I say ummmmm OK I guess we're broken up now can you get my speakers to me?

[Sadly]

You poor thing, its sounds to me like you are having an immense long lasting panic attack and have tied yourself in a horrible twisted knot. I have done this also and trust me I know exactly how it feels. The need to put things right and explain yourself because surely if you can do that he will understand and all will be well. You know when you see a child ramping up for a huge tantrum, one where they are totally out of control, that's what my brain was doing, like starting out as a small snowball and rolling it down hill so it picked up more snow and got bigger and bigger. These are probably cr*p analogies but they do explain how I felt my brain was running out of control. Not a 10 minute panic attack but one that goes on for days. Well in the end I started treating it as a small panic attack. I breathed in and out into a paper bag for what seemed like hours, I calmed myself down slightly, to a point where I could divide a piece of paper in two and write what was happening on one side and what I would like to happen on the other. What was real that I had actual proof of and what was something I only thought might be. This is so hard to explain, not sure I am making sense but several huge and I mean huge lists later and piles of soggy paper bags I was able to read my lists and even laughed at some of it. I was also able to write a relatively calm and rational letter to my then partner and I posted it in the old fashioned way, no emails no texts, no flick of a button delete stuff. He told me afterwards that getting a letter with a stamp on through his door intrigued him enough to sit down and read it and because I had calmed myself down the content wasn't needy and panicky and scary enough to frighten him off we met and talked and had a greater understanding of each other. The fact that a year later he actually ran off with the bloke from next door is immaterial to this, at least it wasn't another woman . My paper bags where far better than the anti anxiety drugs my doctor prescribed, each to their own I guess. Sorry if I have been no help whatsoever but believe me I do know where you are at right now so you are not alone.   xx

[Senra]

Thank you so much for responding it was very helpful And yes I know what you mean, a panic attack that doesn't end where I'm shaking and my hair stands on end and I feel like I'm going to throw up and my head is just swirling w this impending breakup. Even though virtually everyone who hears the description of this situation tells me the same thing, I'm overreacting and I overwhelmed him etc etc, I don't see it that way :/ Bc we had been talking OK after he felt overwhelmed and I was keeping things light and then he disappeared for a week and still nothing... in fact he was more silent this wk than the wk before when I had been reactive in the first place. I'm going to post the email I sent him tonight, the first thing I've sent him since Tues morning when I kust said GM and made a joke... I would think that my giving him space and keeping it light would have made him feel more comfortable talking to me but I guess not :/ That paper idea seems like a good idea mayve I will try that

[Senra]

This was the email I sent him w the subject line "This isn't too long, I just want to let you know that I'm OK and hope you are "


I have so much I want to say but I will try and make this short! I am so sorry for letting my own issues affect our rs and you. There are things that are coming to the surface abt insecurity and abandonment and anxiety and panic that I've never addressed apparently, but I felt safe w someone for the first time and that's why they are bubbling up to the surface. None of this is your responsibility to manage, it's mine. Which I have been taking steps to address this wk as far as like getting help for myself bc I don't want this to sabotage our rs any more than it already has bc I distort things and react w feeling abandoned and w anxiety and panic.

To keep this brief I also want to say that I don't want there to be this pressure abt more commitment or more time spent together, it's really more an issue of communicating better I think and for me to take responsibility for my own needs and feelings and not expecting you to just be aware of and meet them without telling you.

I know you've told me your silence means you need time to think and process which is fine, you should do that at your own pace. I guess I'm just confused bc we were talking OK and then it's been abt a week that we basically haven't talked at all and you had told me before that you would never need a week off to process which makes me feel like you are agonizing over feeling like you would like to break up and not knowing how/wanting to avoid the conversation/afraid of hurting me. I hate that if you really are that stuck that I could probably help you figure things out but you won't let me ... but I mean please don't be afraid to tell me if that's how you feel, that's not what I want but I would rather know and at least have the opportunity for us both to talk abt our feelings first to make sure that's really what you want. 

OK I hope this wasn't too long, Happy Halloween I hope you have a great day

[Senra]

As soon as I sent it though I felt immediately re-abandoned as he's not responding and I'm still hung up on when would I shift from assuming it's just him taking space to this is it I'm not going to hear from him again :/ It sounds so irrational probably and the people close to me that know the situation and/or have met him etc say that they can't imagine that that would be the case but my brain has already decided it is :/ Even my logical brain when I think abt it doesn't think he'd so something so "unstable" where his kids have met me etc (break-up w me without telling me) but where he's done something weird like this before I can't help but be terrified :'((

[Senra]

Sadly, did your guy do the same thing, just disappear after some sort of situation and refuse to respond to you and how long did it take him after you wrote the calm letter ? It panics me that I've been quiet and/or light for 5 says until today and then what I sent him I think wasn't too crazy... it was a lot of the same type of stuff I had sent in my extremely lengthy messages that he hasn't read yet from last weekend/Monday (I can tell from the texting app we use) which is so frustrating. But you'd think he'd at least acknowledge me in some way if he wasn't breaking up w me? It makes no sense, like he's totally withdrawn his investment in the rs and how I feel, knowing I have anxiety over this. He could at least tell me hey yeah just need more time, or something. I feel like he's torturing me :///// I just don't see this as a hopeful sign at all after this length of time and blowing me off when we had plans :'(( I see it as basically a done deal and he just hasn't told me yet and maybe he won't :'((

[Sadly]

I'm sure you are sweetheart and that terror becomes a monster, a living breathing thing that takes over rational thought. Can I be totally honest? when people write that it means they are going to be  so I hope I don't hurt you as you seem to have enough pain already. Reading that email as a complete outsider to me it started off well but towards the end pure panic shone right out of every sentence. How could it not, you were writing what you feel but it is pressurising him to make choices, talk to you, decide if he wants to be with you or not. And lets be fair, why shouldn't you want to know but maybe he is not ready to talk. You cant make him ready, it has to come from him and if as you say people who know him think he wants to be with you then try and accept it. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to sit and wait but he knows you, he knows how you feel about him. You cant make him ready to talk but you can push him away. All sounds very logical doesn't it, but when your brains in overload and your heart is jumping through your skin it's not logical at all, logic and emotion do not walk hand in hand. I cant be much help I know this but I can tell you that I feel for you very much and you can message me whenever you want if it helps pass the waiting time. 

[Senra]

Gah oh no really? I tried so hard to just let him know that if that's how he was feeling that I just wanted to know rather than wait but yeah I guess I see how you're right DAMMITTTT. My rational mind has told me all wk partly that he is staying out of contact bc he doesn't want to break up w me and he's afraid he might be reactive like last time if he does contact me and silence is the better of those 2 options he feels... .idkkk it's soo hard to tell bc then my "gut" tells me "wow who are you kidding! Obviously he's gone from attentive and loving and v invested in the rs to witholding, what else could this mean?" I guess my brain has this meaning assigned to that type of behavior and it's a really bad, bad meaning and it feels like the more rational meaning that everyone is telling me just doesn't fit w what he's doing although I can intellectually understand it :/// Omg I can't believe I just probably made things worse, I tried so hard not to. I felt so good and strong earlier this wk and last night but woke up w panic this morning and I feel so pathetic and weak and I'm angry at myself bc if I wasn't like this I wouldn't be ruining this rs :'(( Whatever it is abt myself that makes me like this I need to fix I guess I need to go back to my abandonment workbook :/ Part of this is bc this is the rs I've always wanted, I felt like finally I was going to have everything I needed, how do you not feel like that when you're in a really close connected rs that you've been yearning for that has all the elements you're looking for?

[Sadly]

Hey, will you stop being so hard on yourself. What I wrote is how I saw it, others may see it in a completely different way. I can only tell you what someone on here told me and it was very hard. Wait, yes, read your book, keep in touch with your rational mind, when it surfaces grab it with both hands and hang on to it as long as you can and wait. Have long warm baths with candles and stuff. I know I do know how hard this is. I used to read that advice and think baths, candles, I cant make it from one room to another without collapsing on the floor in tears. But strangely enough, when I finally started to do it, it did calm me gradually bit by bit. If you ever read my early posts you will see what I mean. Weak, pathetic, angry with myself. You name it, and after a few good weeks this last week I had a bad relapse but I seem to be recovering more quickly this time. The other thing that helped was reading and replying to other peoples posts. I can tell you I spent hours on these boards before I dared to respond to someone else's cry for help and it truly helps, I promise. It focuses your mind outside of your own problems, sure it makes for sad reading at times but it does work. So many have described this place as a lifeline, use it.   xx

[Senra]

Yes I was doing really well w all of that this week... I am so glad it is finally night and my son is asleep and I have an excuse to just curl up in bed, my life is so busy I am always "on" I am in a helping profession and listen and help people all the time and when I'm not doing that I'm taking care of my kids or driving around. This guy was like a way out of my life the way it was or is. I don't have anything or anyone else, no other connections really that are available to me. So it's no wonder I saw him as the ultimate thing.

[thefixermom]

I have a couple questions.   Did he cut you off/ shut you out without first explaining that he needed some time to himself?  Or did he just bring things to a stop with no words?  This is important because if he did not say anything first then yes, it is an abandonment of sorts, and it was likely done out of emotional reaction of feeling helpless and not having a deeper understanding.  It became more about him, than you. Often, guys like to fix our problems (before they learn it's better to just listen) and when they can't fix it then after a time, they just give up.  If he told you he needed space then he did not necessarily abandon you, but at the same time, he couldn't cope with the relationship. And depending on the content of your messages to him, you could be either driving him further away or giving him positive things to think about, only he has not had the time he needs yet.  If you are in panic mode, it's likely you are driving him further away. As extremely difficult as this is... .and I KNOW... .because I have been there... .if he is going to come back it will only be after you get back into your calm centered state and make some acknowledgments to him and give HIM space to come to you and express himself.  In my case, the person did come back... .but it was after an extended period of me coming to grips with myself.

The other question I have for you is how long have you been involved with him?  I'm not asking how long you have known him but how long you have been involved romantically/intimately?   When I see you say that "this isn't like him,"  I want to say, but yes it IS like him.  It can take a couple years of having a romantic relationship with someone to actually know who and how they are.  It could be that he isn't usually that way but when pushed to the extreme, he is.   It would be best to accept this as a possibility then to categorically deny it.  I'm also thinking that with all the restrictions in your relationship, it hasn't been able to grow at the rate it would in a normal open one, so that would affect how long it takes to truly get to know someone, too.

I wish you peace.  I hope you can create some space for others to come into your life.  New friends, new books, new activities. It's too much to put it all on our significant other, even under the best of circumstances.  Sadly's post is exactly right... .warm baths... .they calm us inside and out.  When I was going through this, I took a lot of baths, , soaking and reading and just plain getting myself through it.  Things got better eventually. I started getting myself back and it sure felt great, even alone.  There is peace in that. 

One more thing.  This person you are talking about. He is going to have his own communication issues and need your acceptance as much as you need his.  I've been told over and over that water typically seeks its own level, meaning that healthy people don't get involved with unhealthy people and vice versa.  I would worry less about who to blame and just assume there was mistakes on both sides.  It does sound like you are wanting him to be your savior.  He might like that a little bit... .but only when it works... .when he can truly feel like he's saved you. In truth,  though, we can only save ourselves, so to speak.   

[Senra]

Thanks for responding Well when he first started to shut down last wk (right after I told him it didn't seem like he couldn't fix what was wrong... come to think of it the last time this happened I was in a mood like that too GAH!), he didn't totally go silent, even though I was sending him long messages etc, at one point he said he was sorry for not being in contact that it was just a lot of info. He started to talk more for the rest of the week last week but nothing abt this, I was trying to lay off... I was really bothered and hurt and would avoid his questions abt how I was feeling/doing (I seem to go out of my way to make sure my needs are not met bc I really wanted to talk to him abt how I was feeling)... but mostly it was normal superficial stuff, no like terms of endearment or anything but that was fine I knew he needed time to come back. Then Fri night he just stopped talking to me basically. I let Sat day and night go by and then Sun morning I sent him another long text (and all of these that I was sending were positive and should have been helping to diffuse the whole situation, I was taking responsibility, saying he really did nothing wrong, that he was a great bf etc etc), nothing was sending was needy or insecure bc I wasn't even really feeling that way then bc he was talking to me. So Sun I sent another long thing and then a short funny text and he joked back and that was fine, except the next day was Monday and that's our usu night we spend together. At this point, knowing my anxiety abt not hearing from him bc of the last situation, if he was invested in continuing the rs and invested in my feelings at all I would have expected him to at least acknowledge me. Idk   I had told him we didn't even have to talk we could just be in the moment and enjoy each other or whatever. NOTHING. He sent my call to VM. THAT is the point that I realized that wow this feels like it's shifting from needing to take space, to creating distance bc he wants to break up. He has told me before he gets into this shut-down mode but that it would never last more than week and it's been like 2 although 3 days is the longest he hasn't heard from me  Also, we've been seeing each for 6 months to answer your question...

[Senra]

It's the non-acknowledgement that is killing me really. And despite how I sound here I've been mindful to keep regulated in my messages as much as possible, but maybe even too regulated where he feels like he doesn't have to worry about me? Last time this happened I tweaked out so in comparison I am responding pretty healthy and regulated given my actual level of panic.  I posted my last email to him earlier, I sent it today. I tried to give him permission to take the time he needs but if he wants to break up to please don't avoid me, don't be scared to tell me. I thought this sounded OK but now I think that sounded bad :/

[Senra]

It's odd bc my rational mind can make sense of it at times esp if I try not to focus on the time factor it's been, but then there are certain triggers that send me off the rails, like looking at him in my message list and seeing he hasn't responded etc... I try to put my phone away a lot so I'm not preoccupied w getting messages or not but when I do look at it there's this brutal wave of abandonment that comes at times...

[C.Stein]

I try to put my phone away a lot so I'm not preoccupied w getting messages or not but when I do look at it there's this brutal wave of abandonment that comes at times...

I check my phone for messages from my ex all the time ... .hoping and dreading at the same time.  When I see nothing I am not surprised, but I do feel abandon and forgotten.  I highly doubt she is doing the same.  It is tough to deal with those emotions.

[Senra]

Yes that's the thing last wk when I went off the rails he was too busy to reply to me yet I spent all day focused on it. I'm sure that's overwhelming for a guy to hear however :/

[C.Stein]

Yes that's the thing last wk when I went off the rails he was too busy to reply to me yet I spent all day focused on it. I'm sure that's overwhelming for a guy to hear however :/

It is possible he really was too busy to answer or didn't see it.  Try not to let your mind run away with possible scenarios or they will eat you alive.  I know, I have been gnawed on until there is almost nothing left.

[Senra]

Yes there are certain times when I know he is busy but when you don't acknowledge someone at all on a day when you had plans w them that's something totally different :/ The non-acknowledgement kills me it feels so disrespectful and like it's like a signal he's sending that is telling me the direction in which this is going bc he doesn't want to get my hopes up etc and is doing that to lay the groundwork for the breakup although he should already know that only lays the groundwork for a panic attack as far as I'm concerned ... .I mean he had already explained after last time that he does this shut-down thing and just needs time and space but I guess we did not cover that non-acknowledgement to me is awful... like don't just assume I'm really clear abt what you're doing as far as taking space... maybe that's what he thinks bc I've actually played it pretty cool w him compared to how I sound here so perhaps he thinks I'm doing OK and doesn't need to worry abt reassuring me... esp since I sent him an email yesterday just letting him know I was OK and explaining a cpl things that I don't think he even had read in my other messages last wk in the texting app we use yet... and just saying to not be afraid to have the breakup conversation if this is what this means ... gah but my rational brain says that he can't have a break-up conversation in this state without being reactive and he promised never to do that again to me, and I can't even, hypothetically imagine the basis for a regulated break-up conversation, knowing how he is normally. It makes no sense based on our rs, this isn't like a chronic problem it's something that has recently come up that we haven't even been able to talk through yet... its frustrating that when we do its something that could be so quickly resolved w some clarification... he gets these idea in his head when he's like this and last time anyway it was all distorted and caused this huge thing when it didn't have to if he had the right information but it's like he can't let any new info in when he's like this I have to remember that :/ *sigh* I think he probably feels helpless and is worried that this is going to be a chronic problem and since I told him he can't do anything abt it when I myself was dysregulated he's taking that to be true and now can't take any new info in bc he was triggered again for some reason, bc we had been talking... gah idek...

Ironically, my ex uBPDbf texted me out of the blue last night for the 1st time in 3 months saying he missed me and was having issues w his new gf... ... they have this radar!

[Senra]

I forgot to add that I had also said in my message yesterday to take his time he should do this at his own pace... I had told him that at the beginning of the wk also... gah I guess I forget that I have presented to him relatively calm so he thinks it's OK maybe to not acknowledge me idk... but on the other hand, if he thinks I'm OK and calm shouldn't that be having a different effect on him than this? That's another thing that makes me feel like this is a breakup bc my efforts at giving him space etc don't seem to be working :'(

[Senra]

I was just reading some quotes from Men are From Mars... and it talks abt men needing to be needed which would make sense why he was triggered when I told him he clearly seemed to not be able to help me... gah... and the last time this happened I was in that sort of mood also... yet "neediness" is what caused me to dysregulate in the first place which then triggered him so that is confusing to me bc you'd think if men needed to be needed he wouldn't be being repelled by my neediness now... except I haven't even sounded needy... gah but maybe knowing that I HAVE been feeling needy and blindsiding him w it and then telling him he can't help... gah... and then I've been telling him that it's my responsibility and not his to manage my own needs, I wonder how he hears that?

[C.Stein]

Yes there are certain times when I know he is busy but when you don't acknowledge someone at all on a day when you had plans w them that's something totally different :/ The non-acknowledgement kills me it feels so disrespectful

In this case it is not only disrespectful but rude.  I would be upset as well.

[Senra]

Yes I tend to agree and I feel like that point gets lost in this whole scenario bc it's really only that piece, the non-acknowledgement piece (esp on a day we had plans, when feeling like I'm not a priority is now this known issue, and knowing I feel panicked when he pulls away bc last time he reactively broke up w me when he did that) that is problematic for me. We had talked abt him checking in and just letting me know if it was going to be more than a day that he needed to signal to me that he was only taking space as opposed to ending the rs or something and he had agreed to that. So yes I'm thinking he's obviously dysregulated and prob has a touch of BPD at least and is perhaps feeling v ashamed and angry that I blindsided him w what he prob feels is his incompetence and inadequacy... so maybe this is a bit punishing as well toward me and he's not able to take in any of the words I've sent to help him re-frame this at all :/

[C.Stein]

Maybe he's feeling smothered and overwhelmed?  Perhaps you are pushing him too hard, expecting to much from him at this stage? 

I can only speak from my own experience, but when my ex kept pushing for something, my tendency was to withdraw because I simply didn't know how to respond at times.  This was particularly true when she had done something that hurt me.  I just didn't have the words ... .and instead of "speaking" out in anger I remained silent until I got my emotions under control.  I wasn't trying to punish her by remaining silent, I quite literally couldn't find anything to say because the words were a jumbled mess in my head. 

[Senra]

That actually sounds a lot like what he has descried this "shutting down" to be like couples w the fact that he knows he hurt me really bad last time this happened when he responded to me, breaking up w me reactively... I don't feel like I've been pushy although I suppose he could have a different perspective on that given the torrent of emotion he had to absorb from me recently... although I quickly got it together and we were doing better over the wk and then all of a sudden he just cut off contact for the most part and then just stopped reading my messages even though my messages weren't reactive, I was just trying to take responsibility and clarify things for him and maybe give him some insight into what might be bothering him... I have a mental health background I'm sure that is probably overwhelming to him at times at least :/ It's definitely frustrating though bc as time goes on I'm gaining more and more perspective on the whole thing and I want to share it w him but he seems not to be ready :/ Like I want to tell him that I don't think he's inadequate or a failure at all... etc etc :/// And maybe something

[Senra]

I have this awful nagging anxiety though that when a guy stops acknowledging you when there hasn't been any additional triggers that you've done specifically then that's a way of them ending the rs ://///

[C.Stein]

Honestly, no matter what you say to him he will not hear what you are saying until he is ready to listen.  I too am conflicted with feeling the need to share my insight with my ex.  Problem is, when I did it during our relationship it mostly fell on deaf ears.  Regardless of how many different ways I could explain something in an attempt to gain her understanding, she didn't/couldn't/wouldn't hear what I was saying. 

Even now I feel this need to gain her understanding because I don't think she really gets it.  Problem with this thinking is no matter how I phrase it or how many times I repeat it, if she isn't receptive, open and really listening it won't make a bit of difference.  I can't force her to understand me no more than you can force him to understand you.