left holding my grandchild

[esmaine]

Hi all, Just to get this off my chest is going to help and any advice would be a bonus so thanks for taking the time to read.  after years of absolute hell trying to help my BPD daughter things have finally reached a point where I dont feel I can have a relationship with her anymore which breaks my heart.  She is my youngest and has always lived at home even after giving birth to our granddaughter 15 weeks ago, my beautiful grandaughter I need to add is the product of my daughters violent relationship which she thankfully ended when social services basically told her to choose him or the baby.

Things were ticking along nicely untill 3 weeks ago when we realised my dd was smoking weed again and started suffering from crazy delusions, talking to herself and hysterical laughter at apparantly nothing. she then took an overdose and had to be restrained and handcuffed by the police to get her in the ambulance.  She was then assessed by mental health and prescibed orlanzapine which is an anti phycotic med.  This seemed to calm her down and peace was restored for 3 days, her mental health worker was going to call twice a week and promised they would try to get to the bottom of he problems and help with the BPD  which was music to my ears.

Anyway the next day she went shopping and hasnt returned, that was a week ago, the police found her high on cocaine and legal highs in her ex partners flat  and that is where she still is.  I feel crushed that she has turned her back on her baby in favour of him and social services are invloved again.  They have told us she has 3 months to turn things around or my granddaughter will be put into care.  I have agreed to care for the little one whilst they work with my dd and I have been signed off work with stress and now cannot even bring myself to leave the house I feel that defeated, just crying all the time and can barely function.  I just go through the motions for my husband and grandaughter

Is it wrong to start putting myself and my husband first?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello esmaine,

Welcome to the forum!  I'm so glad that  you are here sharing your story. 

It's just heartbreaking to hear how your daughter's addictions and mental illness have affected your family. 

I'm so glad that you have your grandchild with you and that she is safe and secure in your arms.  Do you and your husband plan to take custody should your daughter fail to meet the requirements of the mental health team and social workers?  Such a big decision to make and so sad to have to make it.  :'(

To answer your question, is it wrong to put yourselves first?  Absolutely not!  We must take care of ourselves if we are going to be able to offer care, support, and love to another.  This includes your daughter, your granddaughter, and each other.

lbj

[Butterflygirl]

No it is not wrong to put yourself first. God created us to love others, but only "as much as" we love ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves we have nothing to give away because we are an empty shell.

Your problems make my situation look great. Thank God my son never had children. His grown up side knew better.

My niece is a Borderline and she just lost her three sons to social services. I have a problem with unfit mothers having children out of wedlock, but that is only in hindsight. I was an unfit mother myself who had a child out of wedlock and now I have to live with the results. If it were not for my mother they would have been taken away. I was an alcoholic.

Anyway, we are here for you. Be strong. Let her go. This is my opinion only.

[mimi99]

Welcome. I'm so sorry you are having to watch your daughter spiral out of control. We often feel so powerless when it comes to helping our own children.

My husband and I have had custody of our gd5 since May. Her mother is my BPDd24 who is also using drugs and living with a very scary guy. Like your d, she went to the hospital and I thought she would get the help she needed to begin to recover. Instead she chose a man and drugs over her own child.

I spent many weeks crying--I sobbed in the car every day on the way to work and was far from the ideal employee and wife. People reminded me that sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and walk through the pain to get to the other side--and you will get to the other side. That being said, it is important to think of yourself and your well-being.

The company I work for has an employee assistance program (EAP) benefit that provided me with 5 free therapy sessions. I took advantage of those as well as posting and reading on this website frequently. I am in a 12 step recovery program and find that is helpful, too. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are programs that help people with loved ones that are using alcohol (al anon) or drugs (nar anon). These programs are open to anyone to attend and the 12 steps are meant to be used to help us heal and be happy no matter what our loved one is doing.

I have learned that if I don't take care of myself first I will be of no use to anyone else. I try to be good to myself so that I can better cope with all the negative stuff. The good news is that the extreme emotion you are feeling will not be this intense forever. Acceptance settles in and we begin to laugh and enjoy life again. I grieve for the loss of my daughter and for the loss of any "normal" mother-daughter relationship. My heart breaks for my granddaughter, who doesn't understand.

I sometimes feel resentful of my d for putting us in the position of caring for a young child when we should be preparing for our retirement. I also feel angry that she has screwed over this beautiful, loving child who did nothing to deserve the kind of parents she got stuck with. I believe that is normal, as long as I do not let it rule my life or color my decisions. I am grateful for the support I receive here and have started using the tools at the right to help me when I must communicate with my d.

Sending hugs and prayers to you. Keep posting.

.

[AVR1962]

It is not wrong to put yourself first. Save your grand daughter if you can.

[donnab]

Hi esmaine sorry to hear of your situation. I too have custody of my gd2 1/2 since June last year. My BPDd21 left her here after 11 months of not coping, being in a destructive relationship and taking drugs.

It's been a long road and I really understand the pain you are in at the moment. I felt such grief for such a long time, in so many ways. We made the decision we would try to keep gd and protect her from the madness and chaos that she had lived in for the 1st year of her life.

I think it's good you are being gentle on yourself and recognising what you can do right now. I didn't do that at the time I just carried on, through the confusion and grief and actually had to stop in the last few months (after my mum's death) as I could take no more, the years of BPD in the family have finally taken their toll on me.

In terms of having gd the pain and confusion I felt have gone, I have accepted my life as it is (and grieved it didn't turn out the way I thought it was going to) and we have a settled life. Dd has a relationship with her dd, although it is chaotic and inconsistent, which is starting to have an affect on gd. The last couple of days she has been teary, grumpy and asking about mummy (she's usually such a happy, fun loving little person) and yesterday she said she was missing her mummy and cried.

Take care of yourself through this period x 

[esmaine]

Thankyou for all the kind replies.  My dd was supposed to call in today to see the little one but text us at 5am this morn to cancel

its a blessing her d is too young to understand any of this.

Apparantley social services will be monitering us to be foster parents, Logic tells us we are too old to bring up another child not to mention too emotionally battered and bruised but in our hearts I doubt whether we could see our gd go into care.

Its a massive step for us to take to tell our dd that she can no longer live with us, but we need to free our lives from drama, we will always be there to try and help her but need to take a step back for our own sanity.

[lbjnltx]

Does the social system that is monitoring grandchild's care offer any support to parents?  If so, it may be helpful to you to take advantage of it.  A large portion of the membership here attends therapy to help ourselves cope.

We are here for you through this difficult journey as well. 

lbj

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Es,  please focus on yourself.  Your losing a lot,  it hurt.  Look.  You can't live her life for her.  I tried this.  I got my ex off drugs, out of jail, payed for everything and provided a roof over her.head...   most importantantly I loved her unconditionally.  She has BPD and until she is ready to address it, no one can for her. I lost everything, 400k. In savings, my job, and I'm 40 k in debt.  Sure I cry, but I learned breathing skills, and meditation,  I have an investment property that if I personally finish rehabbing, I'll be debt free.  Everything is hard, yet now we can learn to live for us, love ourselves.  Gosh, I would have done anything for my ex, now I'm realizing I have to do everything to save myself.  Yes I even know an 18 year old who killed herself, and a childhood friend who's living on the. Street.  Live is fragile,,, so please look at helping yourself before its to late, don't loss you daughter and yourself.

[esmaine]

lbjnltx   social services are holding a meeting today to see if they can fund childcare for my gd for when i return to work,   I had an appointment at occupational health at work yesterday and that went well, I can get counselling through work and was told to take another month to 6 weeks off, so that takes the pressure off.

Asgoodasitgets, thanks for your reply it really has made me think   its that uncondtional love for someone that doesnt want to help themselves that will eventually destroy us if we let it.  I have finally come to the point of saying enough is enough, its taken me a very long time and I have countless times gone against the advise of other family members and just continued to defend my dd and pick up the pieces, trying to make it better,  I now realise I cannot help her unless she accepts the help herself.

Its a good point to get to but also a scary one, as i am leaving it in her hands now, if she cannot do it now when her child is at stake i doubt she ever will.