I'm done

[Beacher]

Found out today my BPD husband had an affair this summer when all our problems escalated. When I confronted him he said " we haven't been in contact for a long time, right now we have to focus on the wedding". Just like that! Nothing about how badly he hurt me, he's sorry, nothing. I found an itinerary of their lovely trip to Canada and how she could just sit back, relax and he would provide drinks and snacks for the ride, plus a pillow and blanket. I wanted to throw up. I was so upset I told him not to come home and stay at his mothers and I locked the doors. He called the police and they came in, were very nice when I explained what I've been going through and they said " anytime he becomes verbally abusive, or you think it will escalate, just call us."

I am so sad tonight.

[C.Stein]

It is always hard to hear this.  I also had suspicions when my ex and I were not doing well earlier this year.  I never really looked for the truth as I was just so tired.  The thought of her with someone else, even now, is crushing.  You are not alone. 

[JQ]

Hello Beacher   

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this   ... .it certainly isn't easy as most of us will testify to. You have to know that his behavioral illness is beyond your control ... .remember this happened long before you were in the picture. What ever happened in his life that resulted in his illness has NOTHING to do with you. I know it hurts ... .I know you have a merry go round of emotions that keep coming around and around to revisit ... .get off this ride ... .it'll be the first step to getting in a better place. It does no good to revisit bad feelings but make you feel even worse or doubt yourself or cause you to question things & events.

What else are you doing to heal yourself? To move on? Are you getting outside & be active ... .walking, enjoying the sun before winter sets in? Are you going out with your girlfriends for a girls day ... .glass of wine? Yoga? Just get out & surround yourself with people even if it's just a day at the local mall ... .you don't have to buy anything ... .but just getting out and being near people might help.

J

[Beacher]

Thanks for the words of inspiration. My daughter is getting married Saturday ( great timing), so trying to focus on that. He is very agitated and I basically cried for 2 days straight but think I'm done. He keeps saying " it's done, it's over, can we let this lie now?" Geez! Today I got up and started cleaning and he became irate and called the police that I was harassing him, following him around and being passive aggressive. I believe he is frightened beyond belief and keeps asking if I am going to tell anyone about the affair.  This is just another box to check off on " symptoms of BPD", inappropriate sexual behavior. The only one I haven't checked off is drug and alcohol abuse ! He is moving out Wednesday to his mothers and doesn't want me around but I need to be here so I can be sure he doesn't leave with any of my things. Oy!

[formflier]

  can we let this lie now?" 

Remember... .he is scared... .poor executive control.

Your messages need to be short... .and powerful.  Don't explain.

FF suggestion... to this question he asked.

"No... you will have a chance through therapy to earn my trust back and ask forgiveness... " 

Remember... .less is more.  You said chance... .you put action on him...

FF

[Beacher]

Therapy- oh lord. We have been through three marriage counsellors, he has had about 3 different ones. I am now seeing my own in addition to psychiatrist for anti depressants. I somehow find the inner strength, God knows how. I was hoping for one last shot at DBT therapy, but he has to accept his problem. I just can't wait for him to be gone and have some peace and quiet for my nerves and try to enjoy this wedding. Thank you

[formflier]

 

I understand... .

Can you rewrite my message... .or create your own message that you want him to hear and understand.

Post it here... we'll help.

remember... .short... .powerful... to the point.

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I am so sorry. That has to be a really tough, heartbreaking, spot to be in. So many times, we could maybe forgive them, if they were even sorry. With BPDh, it's like saying sorry is a total admission of guilt, and he feels he's giving up huge amounts of control, just to apologize. I also think he might find it really emasculating to apologize, but really, it takes a lot bigger man to admit his faults, and an even bigger one to apologize. How do people become adults without ever learning to take responsibility, and apologize?

Is it a possibility that he'll be sorry later? Does it always take him time to say he's sorry, or just he just never do so? It's good that you have resolve, and know your line in the sand. Hugs to you.

[Beacher]

Well the wedding is over, and it was beautiful. Bpd husband behaved and did not no show as I thought he would do and threatened to, to leave me mortified and embarrassed.He was still threatening to pull the plug on the wedding if I gave him any trouble. Only a very sick man would do this to an innocent young girl.I played the game so everyone thought things were fine and got through.

So he is living at his mothers now but still wants to come and go as he pleases. I need him to help pay the mortgage and technically it is both our house so whatever. My issue now is the crazy woman he had the affair with won't leave me alone. The day after the wedding she sent me a FB message  ""you"re gross, you both are". This after I have blocked her every which way. She works in law in NYC so guess she has her ways of bypassing security. Husband keeps telling me he will take care of her but I doubt that, he's probably just as scared as I am. I see a restraining order in her future. like i don't have enough dealing with him that I have to take her on too? im sure she knows where I work. trying not to dwell but everytime i let my guard down and try to get on with life something else pops up. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated

[Beacher]

Formflier- take a look at my other threads. I did write a compassionate letter to him being careful to use SET, tell me what you think. I think it's too late for any more letters. Have written several over the years.

[Forestaken]

.He was still threatening to pull the plug on the wedding if I gave him any trouble. Only a very sick man would do this to an innocent young girl.I played the game so everyone thought things were fine and got through.

My Xw threaten to do thing similar all the time, get a court order to take control of the house.  I did, my Xw lived with her sister. 

If there is violence, and the police come.  Remember: He has some place to live - you don't (that's the key on who leaves and who stays).

Hang in there, it's going to be tough. My divorce was as ugly as my marriage but I never regret divorcing her, except doing it sooner. 

===> Go over to the "Family Law/Divorce thread" they give great advice

[JQ]

Beach,

I know what you're going through right now is frustrating, mentally & physically draining on you. I know it's hard but make sure you're eating right & getting enough sleep if at all possible ... .it goes a long way in your mental & physical health & dealing with all the flying monkey's. As far as the Facebook message ... .even if you lock down your account you can still get messages from people you don't want unless you try these steps

I've Google this to help you block unwanted messages via Facebook ... .let me know if it helps.


***************************************************************************************************************************************

I'm receiving unwanted messages. What should I do?

If someone sends you a message that makes you uncomfortable, you can block them in Messenger. That means they'll no longer be able to contact you (ex: send you messages, call you) in Messenger. Learn more about what happens when you block someone in Messenger. You can also block them on Facebook.


If you think someone on Messenger is violating Facebook's Community Standards, you can also report the message. We recommend that you take a screenshot of the message for reporting purposes.

To report an abusive message to Facebook:

Log in to Facebook on a computer

Click Messages in the left menu

Click on the conversation with the message you want to report

Click Actions

Click Report Spam or Abuse and follow the steps

Note: You can only report messages on a computer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

or try this one ... .

How can I prevent people from sending me messages except my friends?

Facebook offers several tools to help you deal with harassment or other abusive behavior. Learn more in our Help Center:

- https://www.facebook.com/help/116326365118751/?ref=u2u

- https://www.facebook.com/help/359033794168099/?ref=u2u

Also, if you change your message filtering preferences to Strict Filtering, you'll see mostly messages from friends in your inbox. Some messages from people you want to hear from may go to your Other folder. Learn how to change your filter preferences for your messages in our Help Center:

- https://www.facebook.com/help/116215745206219/?ref=u2u

Hope this helps,

****************************************************************************************************************************************

[formflier]

Formflier- take a look at my other threads. I did write a compassionate letter to him being careful to use SET, tell me what you think. I think it's too late for any more letters. Have written several over the years.

I'll take a look... .but general advice is that letters are a bad idea.  They will pick them up... .keep reading... keep twisting the words.

It's sort of like staying in the room during a dysregulation... .your presence can be inflaming.  The existence of a letter can be inflaming.

That being said.   Have letters worked well in the past.  If so... .maybe try it again. 

FF