Waiting for my first police interview ~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi there,

I've not been on here for quite some time but needed some support as things have become too difficult to explain to anyone else. Few people understand the difficulties people as non BPDs face after having broken up with a BPD ex partner and I'm in a situation now where I feel I am about to be faced with a massive struggle to explain the insanity I've been involved in.

Mine has been trying to ruin my life for over a year now. After having once been arrested last year for no reason (an excuse to leave me) my ex has upped her game and has accused me of both assaults and sexual assaults that have not happened. She has made the claims via her support workers and they of course went to the police. I have been waiting for over seven months now to find out what will happen as the whole process takes so long.

I'm terrified. I don't even know how am going to be able to explain the behaviour that I was subjected to by her let alone answer questions by the police. She is being treated as an innocent victim and being given all the help, advice, therapy, housing and support there is whilst my life has descended into one where I'm dealing daily with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and now the possibility of being arrested again based entirely on her distorted thinking and lies.

My biggest fear is having to deal with a legal system that seems to have no understanding of BPD whatsoever and despite her diagnosis, every word she is saying seems to be holding weight despite there being no evidence. As far as I am aware, she seems to be playing everyone and is making me out to be some monster. Some of the accusations are absolutely vile and things I wouldn't even think of doing let alone doing.

How can I possibly be given a fair hearing when the police do not appear to have any training whatsoever when it comes to recognising or understanding BPD and the behavioural patterns it creates? I'm terrified that my explanation of some events will appear crazy to them because they don't understand what is we as non BPDs have dealt with.

She is being video interviewed this month and I have absolutely no idea how to approach the subsequent interrogation I know is going to happen.

I cannot begin to tell you of the stress, hurt and upset this woman has put me through. It's just been never ending and now I'm on the brink of having my life completely ruined by false and vindictive accusations more than a year after we broke up.

Any advice on how to handle things from now on would be so helpful thank you.

[Butterfly44]

Hi there,

I've not been on here for quite some time but needed some support as things have become too difficult to explain to anyone else. Few people understand the difficulties people as non BPDs face after having broken up with a BPD ex partner and I'm in a situation now where I feel I am about to be faced with a massive struggle to explain the insanity I've been involved in.

Mine has been trying to ruin my life for over a year now. After having once been arrested last year for no reason (an excuse to leave me) my ex has upped her game and has accused me of both assaults and sexual assaults that have not happened. She has made the claims via her support workers and they of course went to the police. I have been waiting for over seven months now to find out what will happen as the whole process takes so long.

I'm terrified. I don't even know how am going to be able to explain the behaviour that I was subjected to by her let alone answer questions by the police. She is being treated as an innocent victim and being given all the help, advice, therapy, housing and support there is whilst my life has descended into one where I'm dealing daily with anxiety, panic attacks, depression and now the possibility of being arrested again based entirely on her distorted thinking and lies.

My biggest fear is having to deal with a legal system that seems to have no understanding of BPD whatsoever and despite her diagnosis, every word she is saying seems to be holding weight despite there being no evidence. As far as I am aware, she seems to be playing everyone and is making me out to be some monster. Some of the accusations are absolutely vile and things I wouldn't even think of doing let alone doing.

How can I possibly be given a fair hearing when the police do not appear to have any training whatsoever when it comes to recognising or understanding BPD and the behavioural patterns it creates? I'm terrified that my explanation of some events will appear crazy to them because they don't understand what is we as non BPDs have dealt with.

She is being video interviewed this month and I have absolutely no idea how to approach the subsequent interrogation I know is going to happen.

I cannot begin to tell you of the stress, hurt and upset this woman has put me through. It's just been never ending and now I'm on the brink of having my life completely ruined by false and vindictive accusations more than a year after we broke up.

Any advice on how to handle things from now on would be so helpful thank you.

[Teereese]

Hello Butterfly44

You are dealing with a really tough situation. Be strong, I will keep you in my thoughts. i cannot give you any advise. I can lend support.

I have had to deal with police involvement a couple of times on a much smaller level. My experience is that it is difficult, as it is hard to convey exactly what is going on with my ustbxh. It is easy for me to sound like the crazy one to those unfamiliar with pwBPD.

I was accused of being unfit and at one point, stbxh made some allegations that he thought would lead to an investigation, but it never happened. He was worried about his own words and actions being exposed, so he left.

[Butterfly44]

Thank you for the support Teereesa,

The one thing I do have is a massive stack of emails between us (over 1500) and it's all I have to try to convey what was going on. I say something simple in an email and then get the three page backlash full of verbal abuse (I'm sure many recognise this) but it's all I have.

The thing is she's using the arguments we did have to use as a base for embellishing events and turning them into something they weren't? I've recently had to go through all the emails for my solicitor and it all comes across now as utter madness. I cannot believe what I put up with or why I stayed with her. It's been a horrible experience having to go over them and humiliating to realise I was nothing more than a battering ram for her extreme emotions.

I'm scared the police will just want a result and I'm not tough enough (and never was) to battle her when she clearly believes her own lies. She seems to be so far convincing everyone around her she was some victim when in actual fact it was me who was continually abused. Does anyone know how the police deal with such matters?

[Butterfly44]

I think what I'd most like to know is why, why, why is she doing this to me? Someone suggested it may be a really sick attempt to keep emotional control even? Since she royally messed things up last year, all she can do to keep some sort of hold over me is go down the nasty, vicious and vindictive route with lies and the court route. Is this horrid idea really a possibility?

[juniorswailing]

It's not clear where you are so therefore what legal system you are referring to.

Assuming it's somewhere in the civilized world you do not have to incriminate yourself by answering questions other than those you are legally obliged to, ie name, dob and address.

After that say no comment and stick to it. A skilled interviewer will start you off on a series of non related 'easy' questions to get you talking like, what did you do last night, what did you have for breakfast and other inane stuff.

You'll of course see nothing wrong with this and reply then they will steer you towards what they want and start asking direct stuff.

Say no comment from the start and stick to it, that way they can't have a go at you for not answering the difficult stuff and potentially incriminating yourself.

[Butterfly44]

It's not clear where you are so therefore what legal system you are referring to.

Assuming it's somewhere in the civilized world you do not have to incriminate yourself by answering questions other than those you are legally obliged to, ie name, dob and address.

After that say no comment and stick to it. A skilled interviewer will start you off on a series of non related 'easy' questions to get you talking like, what did you do last night, what did you have for breakfast and other inane stuff.

You'll of course see nothing wrong with this and reply then they will steer you towards what they want and start asking direct stuff.

Say no comment from the start and stick to it, that way they can't have a go at you for not answering the difficult stuff and potentially incriminating yourself.

Hi there,

Thanks for the response. I'm in the UK so it's the British legal system.

Are you saying I should say no comment to anything at all? She is being interviewed in the next couple of weeks and surely I have to answer to the allegations she is making. She's already made the accusations and the video interview is being done instead of her having to make a written statement. Once she has made the statement, the allegations will become formal. Should I just hand over the emails I have in regards to her abusive behaviour towards me? If I don't say anything at all, isn't this worse? Thanks again.

[juniorswailing]

If you are in the UK you will be allowed access to a solicitor, or you should be.

In Scotland it very often takes the form of a private telephone call to the one on duty. I cannot speak about England.

That person will advise you to say no comment to everything. Don't get sucked into answering some questions and not others.

You do not have to incriminate yourself under the law here. I know that England is different and the caution prior to interview is

''You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.''

so I would seek the advice of a solicitor or Citizens Advice about what you should and shouldn't mention.

At the end of the day the Police have to construct a case against you. You don't have to defend it till it goes to court. You certainly don't have to help then construct it.

[Butterfly44]

If you are in the UK you will be allowed access to a solicitor, or you should be.

In Scotland it very often takes the form of a private telephone call to the one on duty. I cannot speak about England.

That person will advise you to say no comment to everything. Don't get sucked into answering some questions and not others.

You do not have to incriminate yourself under the law here. I know that England is different and the caution prior to interview is

''You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.''

so I would seek the advice of a solicitor or Citizens Advice about what you should and shouldn't mention.

At the end of the day the Police have to construct a case against you. You don't have to defend it till it goes to court. You certainly don't have to help then construct it.

I have a solicitor. This has been going on for quite some months now. It's been taking so long because of my exes mental health issues plus she's been having psychiatric treatment which has delayed things. She now is apparently in a position to talk to the police about the allegations she originally made. I just cannot believe that despite treatment she is still going ahead with this? Surely after treatment of some kind she knows now it's false? The thing that worries me most is that I seem to know more about BPD than anyone else I've come across in the legal system so far. How do I fight against false allegations with someone who is probably going to be deemed fit to make a statement when all that's been said by the psychiatric team is that she "has" been suffering from personality issues? Clearly she still has them if she still believes her own lies?

[juniorswailing]

Direct your solicitor onto this site then. 

All he/she has to do is create enough reasonable doubt, if it ever gets to court.

[ForeverDad]

Your solicitor should be giving you some guidance on what to say or not say.  For example, your natural inclination may be to be fully open and honest but that may be sharing even more information that could harm your case.  For example, imagine you saying... .

"Yes, I did do X BUT that was only after she had done Y for 30 minutes and she then did Z."

In its entirely it makes sense but this is what the police or prosecutor may take and ignore the rest... .

"Yes, I did do X."

Sadly, fairness and the "whole picture" often are disregarded.  Your ex will only say bad things about you and your ex likely won't suffer consequences for lying or blaming.  While we here are peer support and generally not lawyers, our consistent advice is to be careful not to be self-sabotaging.  It's already bad enough with what the ex is saying about us.

[Butterfly44]

Your solicitor should be giving you some guidance on what to say or not say.  For example, your natural inclination may be to be fully open and honest but that may be sharing even more information that could harm your case.  For example, imagine you saying... .

"Yes, I did do X BUT that was only after she had done Y for 30 minutes and she then did Z."

In its entirely it makes sense but this is what the police or prosecutor may take and ignore the rest... .

"Yes, I did do X."

Sadly, fairness and the "whole picture" often are disregarded.  Your ex will only say bad things about you and your ex likely won't suffer consequences for lying or blaming.  While we here are peer support and generally not lawyers, our consistent advice is to be careful not to be self-sabotaging.  It's already bad enough with what the ex is saying about us.

Thanks for this. is it always the case that the police just don't want to get to the bottom of things i.e the truth? Is all they're really interested in is prosecuting regardless? Again, it's a great piece of advice not to say anything to incriminate myself but how can I explain anything without saying anything. It's so disheartening to think the police will not want to listen to how abusive she was to me and only focus on the negative things she says. Is that really all the police are there for these days? :-(

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

I can understand your concerns. This has been dragging out a long time now. Has your lawyer said anything with regards to the time frame?

I think the police are becoming more aware of mental health issues in the UK. I would try and explain to the police the circumstances surrounding the case. If she is diagnosed BPD then the police might be more than aware of what they are dealing with than you think.

My tenant told me a story the other week about how my ex was making a show in the school playground and one of the other parents turned to him and asked what her problem was. My tenant said she 's a bit of a nutter to which the other dad asked "is she borderline"? He was a policeman.

The thing to be careful with a police interview like others have said is not to incriminate yourself. That said the police will know if your holding something back so you could seem suspicious. The best way is to answer truthfully.

If they said "did you push your ex"? Then reply but in a way that shows it wasn't an attack. For instance. "I pushed her off of me as she attacked me".

Or ":)id you grab your ex"? "I was worried about her as she was drunk and acting erratically so I tried to get her home for her own safety"

[Butterfly44]

Hi Butterfly

I can understand your concerns. This has been dragging out a long time now. Has your lawyer said anything with regards to the time frame?

I think the police are becoming more aware of mental health issues in the UK. I would try and explain to the police the circumstances surrounding the case. If she is diagnosed BPD then the police might be more than aware of what they are dealing with than you think.

My tenant told me a story the other week about how my ex was making a show in the school playground and one of the other parents turned to him and asked what her problem was. My tenant said she 's a bit of a nutter to which the other dad asked "is she borderline"? He was a policeman.

The thing to be careful with a police interview like others have said is not to incriminate yourself. That said the police will know if your holding something back so you could seem suspicious. The best way is to answer truthfully.

If they said "did you push your ex"? Then reply but in a way that shows it wasn't an attack. For instance. "I pushed her off of me as she attacked me".

Or ":)id you grab your ex"? "I was worried about her as she was drunk and acting erratically so I tried to get her home for her own safety"

Hello enlighten me. It's been a long time hey? It is you isn't it? 

Yes, this has been dragging on for a long time as you know. The main reason being, her mental health issues. She has been in a psychiatric unit I've been told and been too unwell. She has finally been diagnosed it would seem, although it's been written down as "personality issues" which when googled still comes up as ":)isorder". I guess the police don't want to tell my solicitor or myself what it is just yet (we don't have full disclosure) I'm guessing they want to see how I answer first. The thing is, she's upped the anti so to speak and has gone full pelt for me now. It's been horrendous having to listen to some of the things she's accused me of (all distorted thinking and extreme)

That little story just brightened me a little though so thank you. I hope to God whoever I have to deal with has some clue about disorders and the affect they can have on the ex partner. The thing I do have is the emails and lots and lots of them. She seemed to think ranting at me and being vile and nasty in page long emails was normal (it seems I did too at one point) and that it was not abusive but looking at them now, not one person reading the personal attacks, vile language, insults etc... .in response to a simple question from me about something like what she was doing, could possibly think it was anything other than abuse. I have hundreds of them. The emails to me depict a long history of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and what she doesn't seem to realise or know is that in itself is a crime. Laws changed and she has left a long trail of her own criminal behaviour towards me. It's all I have but I'm hoping it may be enough for the police to gain some insight into what was really going on and the kind of behaviour I was constantly subjected to.

Your last advice on how to answer the questions (and you know the history) was so helpful. Just a brilliant way of answering that in my daily panics, I hadn't even considered. Thank you so much for that and thanks for being there again; it's so nice to hear from you :-)

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

Yes its still me .

With the emails it may be worth copying them onto a memory stick and handing it to the police. As you say the UK law has changed and emotional abuse is now considered the same as physical abuse.

By showing this to the police, answering in a defensive way and bringing up the fact that they are dealing with a person with mental health issues then I think the police will look at this case differently. Also any statements that you can get from friends and neighbours who witnessed her behaviour may be helpful. If the police wont take statements from them off of you then give them the contact details so they can investigate it further. If the police do not follow up on this then it is something that wont look good for them if they try and charge you. Especially if your lawyer presents signed statements. The judge will want to know why they have taken your exs word and the second hand word of her support workers but not had any eye witness statements even though you have provided them.

I can understand the worry and panic. Its not nice to be in a position where you have no control. You are not as helpless as you think and the police aren't as naïve as we think they are. without the evidence you have its your word against hers. That is a 50/50 call. With the emails and witnesses then it swings in your favour considerably. If your ex tries to bring in witnesses then they either wont be able to back her up or will have to lie. If they start lieing then the inconsistencies in their stories will show.

[ForeverDad]

Is it always the case that the police just don't want to get to the bottom of things i.e the truth? Is all they're really interested in is prosecuting regardless? Again, it's a great piece of advice not to say anything to incriminate myself but how can I explain anything without saying anything. It's so disheartening to think the police will not want to listen to how abusive she was to me and only focus on the negative things she says. Is that really all the police are there for these days? :-(

My police were helpful but not at first.  When I called 911 they rushed over and interviewed us separately.  I was asked by one of the officers to hand our sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  I didn't realize it at the time, not until months later when my divorce attorney told me, but my state is one where an arrest is required at a DV call.  You don't have to ask whether they cart off the man or the woman.   But my son 'saved' me that day.  He shrieked and clung tighter to me when I tried to hand him over.  What child won't go to his mother?   The officer looked at me for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.  Only later did my ex tell me, gloating, that they gave her a DV resources handout.  I sure didn't get one.

I downloaded my audio file - yes, I had my emergency services call recorded, with her threats both before and after - and this time a different officer came and listened.  He immediately told me to write a statement and they would take care of it.  (Clearly, having actual proof of the threats was much better than the previous unsupported "he-said, she-said".)  He also firmly told me not to drop the complaint or else it would definitely be worse next time.  He was very informed and supportive.  And yes I finally got that DV handout.  Of course, no one on the list wanted to help a man, but that's another story.

So in my case there were certain procedures that had to be followed.  Men don't get the automatic benefit of the doubt.  Some officials were more helpful than others.  Eventually she went to trial but the judge ruled she wasn't guilty and dismissed the case, stating case law modified the written law to include only "imminent" threats of DV.  Without a weapon in her hands he said her death threats weren't imminent or 'actionable'.  Maybe she was acquitted because she was a woman.  Maybe because it was her first time in court.  Maybe both.  Anyway, she walked out without any legal consequences - though I had temp possession of the house during the case and she never returned - and the acquittal surely fed her sense of entitlement.

In summary, some professionals among those you meet will be helpful, just don't expect them to go out of their way too much to help.  Often they will figure both people share the fault but women get more consideration or protection.  Try to be as squeaky clean as you can be.  Your goal is to get them to see that this incident will never repeat again.  They may be more inclined to help someone who learns from the experience.  They're frustrated having to deal with repeat or revolving door litigants.  If you can get the message across that you understand the relationship has to end as peacefully as possible, then the more they might be willing to help you make a less unsafe exit.

Can you accept that the relationship is ended?  Not just with your head but your heart too?  You can't risk going back, not when there is a heightened risk of future allegations.  "If it's been contemplated or threatened, it is more likely to happen (again)."

[greenmonkey]

I am in the UK and my job entails a lot of work with the police., I have ongoing problems with my uBPD ex stalking me online and at my property (which is located 180 miles from her)

I have a paper trail of every thing in the form of an online blog (which is private). It records dates and times. I have found the police here very aware of mental health issues. I have my property address listed with them as a high risk - and I have regular police drive by's as well.

If you have a solicitor just present the facts, the hard evidence i.e. all emails as you have done. the fact she has been in a psychiatric unit is in your favour.

Just be very calm you have nothing to worry about, the police are very sympathetic and have to look into these allegations. If you to message me and chat please do

[Butterfly44]

Hi Butterfly

Yes its still me .

With the emails it may be worth copying them onto a memory stick and handing it to the police. As you say the UK law has changed and emotional abuse is now considered the same as physical abuse.

By showing this to the police, answering in a defensive way and bringing up the fact that they are dealing with a person with mental health issues then I think the police will look at this case differently. Also any statements that you can get from friends and neighbours who witnessed her behaviour may be helpful. If the police wont take statements from them off of you then give them the contact details so they can investigate it further. If the police do not follow up on this then it is something that wont look good for them if they try and charge you. Especially if your lawyer presents signed statements. The judge will want to know why they have taken your exs word and the second hand word of her support workers but not had any eye witness statements even though you have provided them.

I can understand the worry and panic. Its not nice to be in a position where you have no control. You are not as helpless as you think and the police aren't as naïve as we think they are. without the evidence you have its your word against hers. That is a 50/50 call. With the emails and witnesses then it swings in your favour considerably. If your ex tries to bring in witnesses then they either wont be able to back her up or will have to lie. If they start lieing then the inconsistencies in their stories will show.

Well, I'm glad it's still you  

I've just been in touch with my solicitor. I've been told to hold off everything until the end of the month when we'll know more about the allegations and her interview is done. I'm still preparing the emails as best I can but I can't get them onto a file on my desktop let alone onto a memory stick. There's so many of them and they're split between two different accounts with some questions in one and answers in another, it's a nightmare to be honest trying to get them in some sort of comprehensible order. I have no idea what to expect just now so it's also a case of not knowing what is relevant or not. I have everything from the first days we started talking so in all honesty it would be best if the police had everything as the emails paint a very clear picture of the kinds of bizarre behaviour and abuse I was dealing with.

What is confusing me the most is the fact I've been told she's being treated for her personality issues and has been for months now and yet she's still continuing with this? If she is getting better (and apparently she is) then how can she not know or recognise what she has been doing? How come with all the support and therapy she has be getting, she has not come to the sensible conclusion to drop all this? How come she still doesn't seem to understand what she's needlessly putting me through and why has nobody explained how her disorder has been affecting her perception of events? She is in danger of being exposed as it is with the information I have so I just don't understand why she doesn't put a stop to it all and she is able to? She told me when she was last in contact (and threatening me) that she's kept all the same emails I have so if she "is" in fact recovering, then why doesn't she see now how abusive she's been and take any responsibility for her part? Surely things would be a little clearer to her now if she's getting better and her distorted thinking has improved and become just a little more rational? This really bothers me and I'm worried she may be deemed fit to make a statement when really she still isn't?

[Butterfly44]

I am in the UK and my job entails a lot of work with the police., I have ongoing problems with my uBPD ex stalking me online and at my property (which is located 180 miles from her)

I have a paper trail of every thing in the form of an online blog (which is private). It records dates and times. I have found the police here very aware of mental health issues. I have my property address listed with them as a high risk - and I have regular police drive by's as well.

If you have a solicitor just present the facts, the hard evidence i.e. all emails as you have done. the fact she has been in a psychiatric unit is in your favour.

Just be very calm you have nothing to worry about, the police are very sympathetic and have to look into these allegations. If you to message me and chat please do

Hi Greenmonkey,

Thanks so much for your message. Good to hear you're in the UK and know about these things.

I worry about the fact that she has been in a psychiatric unit purely because she ended up in it after our relationship ended. I worry that I'm going to be blamed in some way for that and I do feel bad for her that she ended up in a place that cannot have been a good experience. I know she will blame me for it. I tried so hard with her but I just couldn't take all the lies, accusations and nonsense blaming for things I wasn't doing. The worst thing now is how much all this hurts. I thought maybe, just maybe with all the help and treatment she's been getting that she may begin to realise the truth of how things were and have some empathy and understanding as to what she's put me and is still putting me through. It seems now that despite her having been treated and coming out of the hospital, I have now become the target of her anger at being in there in the first place? Do pwBPD or other disorders ever come to the realise their role in the chaos that's been created in your experience? 

[Butterfly44]

Is it always the case that the police just don't want to get to the bottom of things i.e the truth? Is all they're really interested in is prosecuting regardless? Again, it's a great piece of advice not to say anything to incriminate myself but how can I explain anything without saying anything. It's so disheartening to think the police will not want to listen to how abusive she was to me and only focus on the negative things she says. Is that really all the police are there for these days? :-(

My police were helpful but not at first.  When I called 911 they rushed over and interviewed us separately.  I was asked by one of the officers to hand our sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  I didn't realize it at the time, not until months later when my divorce attorney told me, but my state is one where an arrest is required at a DV call.  You don't have to ask whether they cart off the man or the woman.   But my son 'saved' me that day.  He shrieked and clung tighter to me when I tried to hand him over.  What child won't go to his mother?   The officer looked at me for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.  Only later did my ex tell me, gloating, that they gave her a DV resources handout.  I sure didn't get one.

I downloaded my audio file - yes, I had my emergency services call recorded, with her threats both before and after - and this time a different officer came and listened.  He immediately told me to write a statement and they would take care of it.  (Clearly, having actual proof of the threats was much better than the previous unsupported "he-said, she-said".)  He also firmly told me not to drop the complaint or else it would definitely be worse next time.  He was very informed and supportive.  And yes I finally got that DV handout.  Of course, no one on the list wanted to help a man, but that's another story.

So in my case there were certain procedures that had to be followed.  Men don't get the automatic benefit of the doubt.  Some officials were more helpful than others.  Eventually she went to trial but the judge ruled she wasn't guilty and dismissed the case, stating case law modified the written law to include only "imminent" threats of DV.  Without a weapon in her hands he said her death threats weren't imminent or 'actionable'.  Maybe she was acquitted because she was a woman.  Maybe because it was her first time in court.  Maybe both.  Anyway, she walked out without any legal consequences - though I had temp possession of the house during the case and she never returned - and the acquittal surely fed her sense of entitlement.

In summary, some professionals among those you meet will be helpful, just don't expect them to go out of their way too much to help.  Often they will figure both people share the fault but women get more consideration or protection.  Try to be as squeaky clean as you can be.  Your goal is to get them to see that this incident will never repeat again.  They may be more inclined to help someone who learns from the experience.  They're frustrated having to deal with repeat or revolving door litigants.  If you can get the message across that you understand the relationship has to end as peacefully as possible, then the more they might be willing to help you make a less unsafe exit.

Can you accept that the relationship is ended?  Not just with your head but your heart too?  You can't risk going back, not when there is a heightened risk of future allegations.  "If it's been contemplated or threatened, it is more likely to happen (again)."

Thank you for your input ForeverDad, it's much appreciated to hear of your own experiences. Thanks again for your support.

[greenmonkey]

I am in the UK and my job entails a lot of work with the police., I have ongoing problems with my uBPD ex stalking me online and at my property (which is located 180 miles from her)

I have a paper trail of every thing in the form of an online blog (which is private). It records dates and times. I have found the police here very aware of mental health issues. I have my property address listed with them as a high risk - and I have regular police drive by's as well.

If you have a solicitor just present the facts, the hard evidence i.e. all emails as you have done. the fact she has been in a psychiatric unit is in your favour.

Just be very calm you have nothing to worry about, the police are very sympathetic and have to look into these allegations. If you to message me and chat please do

Hi Greenmonkey,

Thanks so much for your message. Good to hear you're in the UK and know about these things.

I worry about the fact that she has been in a psychiatric unit purely because she ended up in it after our relationship ended. I worry that I'm going to be blamed in some way for that and I do feel bad for her that she ended up in a place that cannot have been a good experience. I know she will blame me for it. I tried so hard with her but I just couldn't take all the lies, accusations and nonsense blaming for things I wasn't doing. The worst thing now is how much all this hurts. I thought maybe, just maybe with all the help and treatment she's been getting that she may begin to realise the truth of how things were and have some empathy and understanding as to what she's put me and is still putting me through. It seems now that despite her having been treated and coming out of the hospital, I have now become the target of her anger at being in there in the first place? Do pwBPD or other disorders ever come to the realise their role in the chaos that's been created in your experience? 

Unfortunately from everything that I have read it takes maybe years of therapy and counselling for BPD suffered to be aware of their actions and how it has affected people. My uBPDex blamed everyone else in her life for everything, she always had to be victim and she took no reposnsibility for anything - unless she was forced into it - i.e. court order or similar.

I have also read that they stick at the anger stage - which is the emotional maturity of a 5 year old, temper tantrums and sulking, silent treatment, rages. My uBPD ex gf had no concept of the fact that her actions had consequences. It probably made it easier for her to play the victim role and me to be painted as a monster.

I did everything in my power to make her life better, treated her like a princess, cooked, washed, cleaned, shopped, sorted out her financial mess you name it, but she treated me like I was scum, lied and cheated. It makes no difference what you do you will always be perceived as the villain.

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

Just because your ex has been diagnosed with a mental health issue doesn't mean that it is the correct diagnosis. Therefore any treatment she has been given may not be having any benefit.

Even if they have a correct diagnosis after only a few months it is doubtful that any real progress will have been made.

As green monkey stated the fact that she has been in a psychiatric unit is good for your case. Its easier to show how erratic her behaviour is when it is known that she has a mental health issue.

The fact that she believes the emails she has shows how bad you were just shows how deluded they can be. I once showed my exgf a text that she had sent me with a specific date on it that she had denied she told me. She looked at it with disbelief. I could tell she couldn't work out what was going on as she was sure she said a different date. I could almost see the gears turning and I was certain she was about to say that I had somehow managed to change it just to confuse her. Im sure if I hadn't been there and she re read it that she would still believe the date was what she had said even though it wasn't. I believe in her head she thought she said one thing and therefore that was her truth even though what was written didn't match it but that didn't matter as when she read it she didn't se the difference. I hope that makes sense.

[ForeverDad]

How much information to prepare and use?  Your solicitor may have it right, wait to find out what she will allege.  Then you can pick out the texts and email chains to use to counter her accounts of what happened.  The officials may ignore a huge stack of data.  They don't have the time to go through it all.

What some have done... .They found out what the ex alleged.  They started with the allegations most easily disproved and clearly distorted from reality of the facts.  So not much paperwork needed, just started with the most helpful items.  Then, since they may not have had documentation to counter the rest of the allegations, stated, "Your Honor, I have disproved several claims by my ex.  Ex's claims are less 'credible' now.  I ask the court to dismiss the charges/claims/allegations."  Courts hate to bluntly call someone a liar so they use passive language such as "not credible" instead.  They didn't have to say they had run out of documentation.  Remember, you state what is to your advantage.  That's what your Ex is doing.  You have a right to mention the good about you and not mention the bad about you.  It is not wise to be overly fair by listing all the bad with the good and therefore risk sabotaging yourself.  Don't do the prosecutor's job for him.

What some have done... .They stacked CDs and mounds of papers/journals on their table in court.  Once they used a few pages from the stack to deflate some allegations, the other side will presume you have even more data that makes them look even worse and are more likely to withdraw allegations or seek a (less unreasonable) settlement.

[Aussie JJ]

Im in Australia so it might be different here. 

I have had 4 police interviews now (4th one last week).  That one was on tape, alegations escalating. 

I went with Yes.  NO.  That is False.  That is a lie.  That never happened. 

I didnt correct or interpret anything, that is a profesional's job to do not mine. 

I answered with 2 or 3 words whenever I felt the need to answer with 5if i though i needed 10 words i went with one word, yes or no.  Shorter the better.  As ForeverDad say's.  It gets twisted. 

The latest round I wasnt even told what I was accused of, just asked to come in for an interview, it would be on tape, no over the counter stuff like previously etc etc.  My view has changed in regards to this, I am not fussed anymore.  Police wanted to set a time and date, I said 30 minutes lets clear this up, went in to the station and waited an hour for them to get a extra Police officer to interview me with another person present. 

I didnt have a solicitor for the interview but called him before hand and spoke on the phone driving to the Police station.  So I had advice and a plan and sort of knowledge of what was comming. 

The one question I asked at the end was, when are you going to stop harrasing me and participatning in a campin of harrasment via proxy acting on my ex's behalf. 

Their were details the Police didnt even get out of me, I view it that i am not their to help them, if they are incompetant and dont ask the correct questions, it is not my issue.  I am getting interviewed so that they can press charges. 

The response was, we are respondging to an allegation made, this is not harrasment we are doing our jobs. 

"Are you aware of the previous 4 complaints that have been made against me, 1 wasnt given any weight, 3 you have investigated and cleared me of.  When will this stop, this is harrasment and you are participating in it, this here is an act of fammily violence as far as the act goes."  (My solicitors instuctions with those exact words made me write it down and a few other things, I was instructed on how to answer everything in short simple answers and let them ask for me to expand.)

This Police officer was not aware of the previous complaints all made at different stations, they were not aware of the family court stuff that was under way, they were sold by her emotional appeals and reports of abuse etc.  I got on tape from the Poice officer that she had reported previous incidents to them that had already been investigated and i had been cleared of but the Police officer (young female) said she had told them she didnt want them followed up as they were not as serious as this.  The quote from the police officer (again on tape) you ex told us she could protect herself from this but was scared of you because of this and only wanted this on to be looked into as she couldnt protect your son. 

I asked if their was a note on the file when I spoeke to the senior Sergent from the local Child Abuse Unit 3 years ago informing them of the nature of my ex's mental health issues.  Their wasn't, I provided a copy of the e-mail to them, again on tape and on the spot. 

I am yet to hear back from the Police however the solicitor has e-mailed copys of all previous complaints etc to her to look into. 

Whenever you go to these things, for me now I say nothing, factual, unemotional and cold as anything.  Yes. No. That is false.  This is the e-mail, let it speak for itself dont expand upon it, give the evidence. 

Take a deep breath and present evidence.  The Police still havent asked if I record any of this and I record it all, I can prove it is all false but I am letting it slid until ex gets questioned by lawyer and is confronted with it all. 

Second thing.  If you have a digital recording device.  E-mail the recordings to yourself and solicitor the day they are made or as soon as practicle so that you can prove they are not fabricated to suit your version of events. 

Mine is going the, he is a child abuser, hits our son atm.  I was aware it was comming because ive been told by my son not to hit him etc etc and his mommy says I hit him and it makes him sad. 

It will escalate be prepared for it and dont be suprised.  Prepare and dont allow yourself to be suprised by anything, expext the worst and then some. 


AJJ. 

PS (Hi all )

[sanemom]

You would think law enforcement officers hear enough BS from BPDs to be skeptical whenever they hear an allegation.  That being said, it is truly sad how much power they get.  Eventually with all of the documentation of the false allegations ruled out, they don't get taken seriously anymore, but how much is enough?  I wish there was some flag in the legal system for LIAR.  If they could get prosecuted for all these lies, it may stop some of them.

[livednlearned]

Hi Butterfly44,

I'm so sorry this has been hanging over your head for so long. How awful.

My advice is similar to others, with this perspective: in court, if you are only 10 percent guilty, or 50 percent guilty, or 80 percent guilty, then you are not guilty. Being guilty means being 100 percent guilty. So, unless you did exactly as she alleges, then you are not guilty.

It's a different logic. Important to get it embedded deep in your brain so you can walk in there knowing that you are innocent. Court is not interested in a little bit guilty, or a little bit innocent.

Also, make the evidence visible and voluminous. My lawyer referred to my giant 3-ring binder filled of hateful emails from my ex as "a prop." She used it to send a message and that message was received.

A woman who has been genuinely abused or sexually assaulted, who presents herself as a victim to the court, does not send 1500 emails filled with verbal abuse to her abuser.

How do you feel about your solicitor? A good one can make all the difference. A bad one can make everything 1000 times worse.

[formflier]

 

One important difference... .(I'm speaking about US stuff... .my guess is similar in UK)... .for court livednlearned is right.  They have to go with what the charges are... .the burden in on them to prove the charge... .and they generally have to stick to the charge.  Sometimes they can go lesser.

However... .talking to the police is different... .Very different. Their job is to charge people.  Or in some states to provide a file/report so that they DA or Commonwealth Attorney can charge people.  Rarely will you see police bragging about how many people they didn't charge or that they cleared of any wrongdoing.

Think about that for a while 

That's doesn't mean police are bad... .it means they are doing their job... .performing their function. 

So, don't hand them information to use against you.  Do hand them information that will clear you... .or show that yours will be a frustrating case to prosecute.

Last thought:  Arrests and indictments are very easy to come by.  Very different standards than it takes to convict someone.  Remember that police are people too... .no need to make them mad or be mean to them. 

FF

[ForeverDad]

And there is immense pressure to "cop a plea".  For a criminal, they expect that.  The prosecution and defense play a game, jostling for a middle ground to save time and money where the perp admits some level of guilt for a lesser conviction.  It helps keep the court from becoming bogged down with lengthy trials.  Do you get the idea?  You're not a 'perp'.  You're innocent.  At least in the USA, plea deals mean admitting to some level of guilt.  It can't be appealed or contested.  It becomes a part of your record.  Maybe you can get it expunged years later, maybe not.  However if you have to address custody issues in family court any plea deal will make you look bad.  So will a conviction or an ordered restraining order based on fearfulness or unsubstantiated claims but at least you have the freedom to continue maintaining your innocence.

Eddy's SPLITTING handbook states that plea deals are almost always traps, you facing complaints in court can make you feel under pressure to "make it go away".  But rather than a solution or quick fix it can turn out to be a trap for the unwary.  So never cop a plea without solid legal advice from an attorney or solicitor experienced in that field.