unrequited love for bpd friend

[alkaseltzer]

I'm not sure where to put this. My friend was never a romantic partner, but I did and do have romantic feelings for her.

A year ago she moved in. We had been friends for years when we became roommates. I was always attracted to her, but she is 12 years younger than me and we met when she was still a teenager, through mutual friends. She used to come over and sleep in my bed with me, we would have tickle fights, but it was completely platonic. She was about 18 at the time. She tried to initiate sex once but I didn't let it progress. My heart was not really in it as I was still getting over the death of my previous lover. About a year or two later, she moved in. I realized six or seven months after she moved in that I had developed serious romantic feelings for her. I was pretty sure she didn't reciprocate so I kept them to myself at first, planning to wait until she was at least 21 before acting on the feelings if they persisted. In the meantime we had become very close friends. She told me about her terrible family history and her struggles with BPD, MDD and PTSD, and everything clicked... .or so I thought. The truth is that our friendship always lacked boundaries. She lacks boundaries in general, and so do I. I often enabled her, as many people in her life do.

At some point I realized I could not keep my feelings to myself, because it felt like lying to her. I told her... .she didn't exactly take it well. I think I seriously shattered her perception of me. She tried to use astrology to explain why we were not a good match as romantic partners and should remain friends. I told her that the best romantic partnerships are born out of friendship. She didn't agree. She more or less immediately began to distance herself from me. She would no longer allow me to hug or touch her. I understood. However, she continued to be very touchy and flirty with me. She now claimed she likes to touch others, but does not like to be touched. I told her this had to stop because it was driving me crazy. I told her I was madly in love with her and needed time to get over it if she couldn't return my feelings. She didn't stop right away, I had to tell her a few times. The last time, she kept touching my arm, I told her to stop and she said in her sexy voice, "don't you like it?" I angrily told her "yes, that's the problem!" and stormed off. In retrospect I was being silly, or was I? I was enforcing boundaries. But I also seemed to be destroying what connection remained between us.

Over the next few months our friendship fell apart. She became more and more resentful of me as I sought to take care of myself. I started working out and returned to university. She was always angry with me. Everything that I did was taken the wrong way. What previously had been seen as concern was now obsession. If I did something she did not like, like fall asleep on the living room couch, she took it personally, as though I was doing it to spite her. I tried to talk to her and suggested that she move out because our friendship had become toxic... .that was a bad idea. She never forgave me, I think. I told her I just wanted our friendship back but she insisted it was me who had changed, and me who was the problem. After that things just kept getting worse and worse... .she was always angry around the house and was never willing to discuss anything. Where once we could talk about anything, now she didn't want to talk to me at all. She said I never listen anyway. Maybe I don't.

During all of this time I never really noticed how much weight she was losing. When she first moved in, friends told me that she uses crystal meth, but I didn't believe them. I didn't want to believe them. I had seen friends lose themselves to that drug before, but never knew it until after they decided to get clean. Apparently you can keep that kind of thing a secret from your roommates. But not from everyone. Some of my friends knew she was using, and had started to use a lot more. About a month and a half ago, though, everything changed. She brought home a whole pack of drug users and they never left. They hung out in her room and smoked meth in there. I was stunned. I very much like every other friend of hers I have met, until the last couple of months - now she only associates with drug users it seems. When I confronted her about it she said she was using everything BUT meth, and was doing it to keep from self-harming. I said, this is obviously a major red flag, you need treatment for your core wounds, not street drugs. She then told me she doesn't even have BPD, just PTSD and MDD! I told her that, very respectfully, she obviously does have BPD. But she is deep in denial now. Meth makes everything better doesn't it? When you smoke that stuff, you are right as rain.

She refused to stop bringing her friends over to smoke meth and heroin in her room. I told her she will be evicted. The problem got worse. She started bringing the dealers themselves over, and more meth users would come over to visit the dealers. I'm pretty sure they were using it as a place of business. We served her a one-month eviction notice and threatened to call the police if any dealers were seen on the premises - zero tolerance for meth dealers or gang members. The scum of the earth, I called them. She told me I was talking about her, she said she associates with gangs now and sells drugs on the side. I reiterated myself: scum of the earth. In retrospect I lost my cool. The next day she was gone. She didn't pay rent for October, she didn't even come back to get her bed and clothes for two weeks.

She has almost completely stopped speaking to me. She blames me for throwing her life into chaos and says that I have no compassion for anyone except myself. She lives with meth users now, in meth territory. It seems like that terrible drug is everywhere these days. I used to live in that part of town but it seems so much worse now. She says she was very sad to have lost her best friend - me - but when I tell her that I am sad to have lost her as well she just smiles and says "aww... .really? poor baby." In a very cruel way. She seems sadistic. But I know she is hurting. She cannot ever apologize... .she can never face up to the shame of what she has done, so she simply rewrites history in her head. I forgive her, because she has serious illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have seen what that can do to people and I have seen people get out of it successfully. But she is so deep in denial... .she denies she has BPD, despite alienating every close friend she ever has, and she denies that smoking meth is a problem. People have told me that if I wait for her to hit rock bottom I could be waiting 15 years or more because she is almost a "functional" user.

I am at a loss. On some level I just felt like I had to express these thoughts. On another level I feel like even thinking about her is bad for me. I should be focusing on me, on school, on any of the other women that are interested in me... .but I am only interested in her. I am addicted to her. I just want to help her! It pains me to no end to see her hurting herself and pushing everyone who loves her away. But I don't seem able to get through to her right now. When I look back I can clearly see what I should not have done, had I truly understood what I was dealing with. But it's too late. I have hurt her tremendously, without meaning to, and now she continues to hurt herself, believing that she is a terrible person and that nobody loves her in this world.

[Turkish]

I am at a loss. On some level I just felt like I had to express these thoughts. On another level I feel like even thinking about her is bad for me. I should be focusing on me, on school, on any of the other women that are interested in me... .but I am only interested in her. I am addicted to her. I just want to help her! It pains me to no end to see her hurting herself and pushing everyone who loves her away. But I don't seem able to get through to her right now. When I look back I can clearly see what I should not have done, had I truly understood what I was dealing with. But it's too late. I have hurt her tremendously, without meaning to, and now she continues to hurt herself, believing that she is a terrible person and that nobody loves her in this world.

This may indeed be how she feels. Deep down, pwBPD often feel a sense of shame "I'm a bad person." The drug use, of course, is a type of self-harm that adds a whole other complicated dimension to her inner struggle. I'm glad that you are safe now, however, from the drug dealers.

The thing that many of us struggle with is that it isn't up to anyone else to "prove" them wrong. Friendship, care-taking, putting up with outlandish behaviors or even abuse. May of us can be in this type of one-sided, non-reciprocal friendship or relationship for a long time, and often they end the same. Sure, a pwBPD needs validation, and a calm, centered partner or friend, asserting consistent boundaries. We aren't, however, responsible for their feelings. Their feelings just are, as are ours.

I'm sorry that you're suffering a loss here; it's tough. We've all been there or are where you are at right now.

It may help you to go through the Choosing a Path lessons to the right of this board. Learn more about BPD, your role as a friend, and lastly (and most importantly), to take a look at yourself.

Take Care,

Turkish

[AsGoodAsItGets]

 Alk, it is important you focus on yourself.  I will share a personal story.  My dad won my mom over in the most amazing romantic slightly stalking way as she tells it.  At the time she was seeing someone else.  Over time she felt loved, and married. A year later they sadly started separation preceding.   My mom, quickly started schol, goa part time job, continued to pay the mortgage on the house.  My father wasn't bad.  He found his father in a mid suicide attempt when he was younger and had his own demans to deal with.  Again, his to deal with, not my moms, she immediately started focusing on herself when my dad broke thier relationship.  In the old days it took a lot longer to separate.  They finally saw each other for the first time in more then a year in some lawyers office.  My parent's think the lawyer saw something and suggested the paper work be redrawn. He also told my dad he legally had to drive my mom home or pay for a taxi, since hshe was technically still he's wife.  They never separated, and went on to have 8 children and adapt one too.  We can't grow for another person.  We can only live and control our selves.  They both handle thier own sh!t.   It's very important you do the same.  If thier is something more for you two it will happen.  Good luck.

[alkaseltzer]

Thanks for the responses. I am learning more every day and trying to stay focused on my own life and finishing this semester at school. I will try to not contact her for now until I get more perspective that comes with time... .but it is hard.

[OnceConfused]

You must be feeling so confused with this r.s or lack thereof.

The Persian philosopher, Rumi, has this wonderful thought:

"Wound is the crack where light enters your soul."

Yes, this is a wound but dont let it fester, use it as way to let light enter your soul, to find out more about who you are, why you felt the way your have felt.  Once you know yourself then and only then you can offer yourself others.

It also looks to me like she is not into you as a romantic partner, so your r.s is mainly a 1 way street. You cannot force that feeling from her.

Your suffering now is not caused by her but really caused by your attachment. You and only you can remove that suffering by saying a prayer for her and then let her go and let her be. Her well being and future are not yours to make, they are hers to create.

We are today as an accumation of everything we have done up to today.

If the university offers any mental health support, I suggest you might want to talk to a T about your feeling. Where you have been heading is not a place of happiness and content. As an impartial outsider we can see that but for you , you will need some professional counseling to help you step back and see the whole thing with CLEAR VISION.

I don't know how you feel about having someone dealing HEAVY drugs in your apartment, but that could lead you to be charged as accomplice. 

[JQ]

Hi Alk  

I see the you are new with your first post ... .welcome to an amazing group! I'm glad you found us ... .here you'll find no one that will judge you. As Turkish has pointed out, there are many many references here to read & learn from. We encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD from this sight as well as books you can find in your local library. Books like, " I hate you don't leave me", "The Human Magnet Syndrome", just to mention a couple. As some have suggested, learn about yourself ... .do what some will never do in their lifetime. Look deep into yourself, do a complete self evaluation and learn who you really are, why you are the way you are ... .it was an amazing eye opening journey for myself and I am certainly in a much better place for taking the journey. It wasn't easy ... .but looking back on it, it was the best thing I could of done to heal myself, and move forward and in time find the caring, loving mutual respectful r/s that we all want & deserve.

Your exBPDgf has another demon to deal with and that is her addition to meth, heroin & other self medications. As you will come to learn, those who have BPD have suffered a traumatic event or repeated events early in their life LOONG before you showed up. These events have wounded them to their very core of who they are and they have invisible scares that run deep to their soul. AS Turkish points out, they feel an overwhelming amount of shame and have never learned to process it ... .never learned to work through what happened and why it happened. It most likely happened in their early childhood as my exBPDgf did. For most who have BPD, they might seem like a full functioning adult, but they are emotionally, behaviorally stunted 3 yr old toddler. NOTHING ... .NOTHING will ever make sense when it comes to behavior with someone who has BPD. Spend the day with a 3 yr old interacting with them and you will see the similarities ... .it's an amazing insight to her world. It won't fix anything but maybe give you a better idea of how they might see things ... .how they live in their world.  

At the age of 4 or 5 my exBPDgf was sexually abused by her older brother of 2 yrs. He also mentally abused her, emotionally abused her & physically abused her. This just didn't happen once, or for a number of days, weeks or months. This abuse went on for the next 7-8 years on nearly a daily basis. At the same time her older sister was physically attacking & abusing her in addition to mentally & emotionally abusing her. Her father was a hard working man trying to put food on the table & a roof over their head so he was working all the time. Her mom who was also absent is almost certainly BPD herself ... .she was raised in a Roman Catholic house and attended mass at least once a week. The enormous guilt she feels because of the incest her brother forced on her for years has been a difficult life long challenge for her to deal with. To come to grips with ... .somehow she like anyone of us needs to justify what he did, or what she did or didn't do. She has been in & out of therapy for 30 years, has a long history of failed relationships including 2 divorces. She blames herself, she feels an enormous amount of guilt, she feels shame to a degree I can't even begin to comprehend. She has demons that will forever haunt her, that will forever cause her pain and their isn't a damn thing I can do to help her. How can any one of us begin to imagine the guilt or shame she or anyone else who has experienced incest or sexual abuse? Rape victims tend to believe it was something they did to deserve the attack ... .so how is a 4 or 5 year old suppose to process it? They learn behavior to protect themselves ... .it was only her amazing belief in God that prevented her from committing suicide more then once over her life. She has told me the abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother & sister ... .and I probably would of put a bullet in my brain long ago.

She will most likely have this behavioral illness for the rest of her life ... .even though she has seen a number of therapist how does one really slay the demons that she has? She like others with BPD, like your's has a substance abuse issue. Her drug of choice to numb her to the core is alcohol ... .she drinks to forget ... .as I'm sure your exBPDgf smokes & shoots chemicals in her body to forget ... .or try to forget & numb her demons for as long as the drug will last. I've come to learn that this behavioral illness happened long before I showed up in the picture and will continue if I stay or if I ended the relationship. You can't force someone to seek out help if they don't want it. There are 3 C's of BPD that you need to learn ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!   Learn it ... .Know it ... .Live it!  You will learn that others like my exBPDgf have had more then one therapist over the years of therapy ... .sometimes it's the therapist that leaves the relationship ... .sometimes it's the BPD who leaves the relationship. This is going to be a life long battle for them ... .you have to learn as one person put it ... ."their circus is their circus" ... ."Their flying monkeys are their flying monkeys" and they're not mine. I can sympathize ... .I can suggest some guidance ... .I can listen ... .but I know I can't EVER fix it ... .and to take on their "Flying monkey's" will only lead to my increase of stress, sadness, my life being less then what it should be. You like most of us here are "NONs", we are the Knights in armor protecting those who can't protect themselves, we are the White hat cowboy riding in on our horse to save the day ... .in reality we can't do this with someone who has BPD. We have to learn about ourselves and learn to say no to those who will cause us a lifetime of hurt, sorrow and grief.

You are so correct when you say, "I need to focus on myself"!  YOU do NEED to focus on yourself to heal yourself ... .to move on. It's going to suck but it's going to get better, IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER!    Come here as often as you need to ... .just to vent ... .to ask questions about how we felt or dealt with an issue ... .to seek out guidance ... .or suggestions. We can't walk your path for you ... .but we can be there to help pick you up when you stumble & fall ... .point you back down the path you're walking ... .it's then up to you to choose another path ... .continue the same path ... .or do nothing and sit back down. YOU are also correct when you say, "On some level I just felt like I had to express these thoughts."  that in part is why this place exist ... .to vent ... .to express how you and others feel. To get it out ... .to be a sounding board know that you're ok ... .do it as often as you need to ... .do it as often as you WANT too.  on't feel guilty for hurting her for the things you said or didn't say or did or didn't do. You didn't know all that much about BPD and what your actions or inaction might have done or didn't do. I've done the same thing ... .BPD is a steep learning curve so please don't feel guilty ... .it's NOT your fault.  If you think about her, and you will from time to time ... .remember the good times ... .the moments you shared ... .and let them leave a smile on your face. Know that you share some time ... .but also know that you can't cure her ... .you can be a friend as you have been ... .when the moment she "might" reach out for help you can point her down a path for her journey ... .but you can't travel it with her ... .like us picking you up when you trip over that crack in the sidewalk, dust you off so you can take that first step again ... .you can do the same for her ... .

J

[alkaseltzer]

Well, thanks for your replies, everybody.

I am honestly thinking about deleting this post in case it gets found somehow... .there are a lot of specifics here. Regardless, I don't think this subforum is really the right place for this thread, because I'm not undecided. I love her. I do want to be with her, but she doesn't seem to want the same and I accept it. I'm staying, for better or worse, even if it's just as a friend who is supportive from a distance. I'm trying to give her space... .she keeps hinting that she wants to talk to me, apologize to me, or open up somehow, but she finds it so difficult to actually do it in my presence... .I think I make her too uncomfortable. I don't know if I should be contacting her regularly, reaching out to her to ask how she is doing, or if I should wait for her to approach me. The whole experience has been a real eye-opener for me as to just how wounded she really is... .she seems so high functioning at first.

In the last week the situation has changed a little bit. She is back with her family for now, apparently getting clean. I doubt she will really address her core wounds though, but I could be wrong. Meth is a terrible drug and I doubt she is really done with it, because she doesn't seem to really want to be, and the recover is so, so long. The chances of relapse are high, and most people that do kick it don't get it right the first time, or even the second time.

I have been watching Pete Gerlach's videos on youtube (channel: Gerlach) about grown wounded children and trying to understand my own wounds.

[OnceConfused]

You have made up your mind as to what you want to go from here.

Much luck to you in your journey ahead.