Is there a stay or go for parents?

[Eyeamme]

I am mom to 34BPD daughter. I have gone "no contact". Can a parent really walk away when they can't take anymore? I am serious. I really want to know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

I think it depends how you define walk away. Every single parent on this board would probably give you a different answer to that question because even though we all have something in common- a child with BPD they are all different and so are we.

The way I look at it is this. I felt like I gave my son 150% of everything I was and was still told I was a monster and that everything wrong in my son's life was my fault. When he walked out at age 21 I thought I would die from the pain and grief, but you know what? I didn't and I learned a lot about myself and my limits and what I and the rest of my family were prepared to put up with.

We set boundaries and we stuck to them. We didn't let our son come back into our home, but we did help him out with a small allowance=with an end date and we knew his younger brother would let him share the 1 bed apartment we rented for him and we were okay with that. So for us knowing he had a roof over his head and that financially he had something was where we felt able to live with ourselves. We had no physical contact with him and ended up just using email because he used to rage in text and phone.

Three years on, we ended the financial agreement as he is supporting himself. He's not on our insurance, car, health or anything. he still shares the apartment with his bro but that arrangement also has an end date if younger bro goes to uni or if he doesn't we won't be paying that rent for him as he'll need to get a job.

This is a long-winded way of saying you have to decide what you can live with regarding your child or adult child. Only you can know that. I'm actually at peace with what I did. I still love my son but I'm much happier when I don't have him raging at me everyday.

[Eyeamme]

My uBPD daughter is 34. She has a wonderful husband and my two sweetheart grandsons. I was told that I am no longer getting contact with them. I have gone NC because anytime she communicates with me she rages and degrades me. Even if I write to tell her "I love you". She just wants me to engage and apologize (she is mad that I was angry at the way she treated me on my last visit (I am on East coast and she is on west). I really feel like I am walking around in a bad dream. I love my daughter and the boys but I can't do this anymore.

[Kate4queen]

Do you have someone you can talk to about all this? Have you considered visiting a therapist/counselor/spiritual person? The grief is devastating but having this break from your DD's behaviors might be a chance to build some new foundations for yourself, set up new boundaries and learn a different way of dealing with your DD. That's what I had to do when my son went NC.

[lbjnltx]

Eyeamme,

Have you spent time looking over the Lessons?  That is the best place to begin to wrap your head around the past 32 years and how you got where you are today in relation to your daughter. 

Reading others posts can give us a sense of kinship.  Reading others posts can give us an opportunity to validate others and give them a sense of kinship.  Getting replies to our own posts can help us receive the validation that we need and deserve. 

The Lessons is where we learn to heal, cope, understand, and mend our relationships with our children.  Participating in the workshops that are linked in The Lessons personalizes the information for us and gives others the opportunity to help us on our journey.  It is hard work and we... .you... .are worth it.



Having a therapist as Kate4queen suggests is also advisable.  Many of us parents do that for ourselves.   

[Eyeamme]

;--) working on it. I started with a therapist. Thanks all.

[lbjnltx]

;--) working on it. I started with a therapist. Thanks all.

Awesome!

The climb up can be slow so be patient and kind with yourself.

[mimi99]

You pose an excellent question that many of us struggle with. Can a parent really walk away? We are always their parent, no matter what. It's not a relationship that we can just end and get over. I will always love my daughter unconditionally. Love doesn't mean tolerating abuse and rages. I have a right to live in peace in my own home.

My daughter24 has only been gone since May and so I clearly can't speak for the long haul. She is still covered by my car insurance (not for long as she just had another at-fault accident), her father pays for her cell phone and she lives rent-free at her bf parents house. Every time she has a crisis she runs to daddy to fix it for her and often he does (we are divorced) and I have no right to tell him how to spend his money. I give him information I get from here and what he does with it is up to him.

I have accepted that my relationship with her will never be "normal". We rarely speak, as I am painted black for now. I do not initiate contact unless I have to (visitation with gd, insurance issues, etc).

One thing I have learned over the last months/years is that this is all subject to change and I need to expect that it will not remain like this forever. She may decide to paint her father black and then I will be the good guy. She may begin to do better and actually follow up on some of the guidelines I have set for more visits with gd, but if she does, that may change again.

I am working on changing my expectations, but it is hard. I enjoy her sense of humor and her intellect and we have many friends in common. It is challenging for me to converse with her during a visit and not fall back into acting as if we have a regular relationship because at any second she could turn on me (and often does). I sometimes say "normal" things to her and then regret it later because she will use it against me next time she is mad.

So there is no simple answer to your question. For me NC or LC is a temporary thing to give me some peace and not set myself up for heartache. It doesn't mean that I will never see her again, or that I no longer love her. I hope that it will give you some space so that you can find some acceptance and peace. Then, maybe you will be ready and maybe she will be willing to have some kind of relationship.

Sending hugs and prayers for your continued healing.

[Eyeamme]

Thank you so much Mimi99 thank you. I love my daughter more than anything. For my own sanity I need to walk away. It might be temporary, it might not be. I miss my grandsons but I refuse to put them in a bad situation of me being in and out of their lives. I just want their lives to be peaceful.

[mimi99]

Your own sanity is vital. It seems that you have not set any expected outcome on this, that is good. If there is one thing I have learned it is that there is no guaranteed outcome, no matter what I do. Take care of yourself--you deserve it

[AVR1962]

In my situation when my daughter gets mad at me she goes on this long stent of not speaking to me while she goes behind my back and tells family members lies of why she is not speaking to me. She will then come back in my life usually with some reasoning to talk to me. This last time she wanted to speak to me about how my mom was not treating her dad well at the time of his death. When she comes back in my life she is very pleasant and I feel like she ha really worked on herself and I think it is possible that things will be different, we have good conversations and then it cycles thru again and once she is done using me for whatever... .support, money, gifts then she attacks again. I then am the nobody person who had abused her, that is a nut job, etc etc.

Before I would question myself. What did I do wrong? How can I do better? How can I make it work? What do I need to do to change? I read books, I sat in a counselor's chair for years. I took simple tests to see if I too was BPD or NPD. With this last stent for me it was my final straw. Yes, I love my daughter but I am no longer going to be treated like this and if she hates me that much she and I do not need any connection. I will cherish the little girl she once was. I wish her well. She is who she is and I accept that. Where I draw my boundary is the slander and the lies, it is all to make me look bad to these people she is speaking to. While some see right thru her and know these are things I am not capable of, she does have her support system which includes he step brothers who did not accept me well to begin with. I now realize there is nothing more I can do and do not want to even try. I no longer want to walk down that road that cycles around and bites me in the back, just not willing to go there with her any more. I wash my hands without guilt in an attempt to find my happiness and save my sanity.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

I feel for you AVR1962. I feel the same but I miss my grandsons 2 and 5 so much.