What could be next?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know this is speculation, but, I am quietly preparing for the worst (as in a divorce).  I see no safe alternative to divorcing my uBPDw of 18 years. 

Up until this year, in which I have had my wake-up call and finally learned about BPD, I had taken the years of blame, guilt, and absorbed the rages - most often the silent violence, and cold shoulder, but sometimes full verbal abuse.  My wife is of the waif / victim type of BPD. 

I am concerned now because, according to what I see about her, she is taking responsibility for the problems.  While that should sound great, what it means to her is that she sees herself as worthless, empty, not being worthy of her family, hating herself, blaming herself, wishing she was dead, and all manner of dark feelings.  Although she may have secretly had these feelings, she is now writing them down and acting like she believes them.  I am glad in a strange sense, that I am finally not being blamed and persecuted for everything wrong and bad from the dawn of time (an exaggeration).  But I am also worried from a father's point of view.  This psychotic disordered woman has daily long-term contact with my (our) kids.  I have not seen her take blame like this before - or even hear the words out of my mouth, when I suggest that maybe we could both do better, for example. 

I am a worried about this change in her.  Does this foreshadow a change for the worse? (if that's possible)

I know this year has been hard on her since I am finally getting healthy, and enforcing boundaries, and stopping my caretaking habits.  I wonder if the storm is about to break open.

Any suggestions as to what I should prepare for next?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I know this is speculation, but, I am quietly preparing for the worst (as in a divorce).  I see no safe alternative to divorcing my uBPDw of 18 years. 

Up until this year, in which I have had my wake-up call and finally learned about BPD, I had taken the years of blame, guilt, and absorbed the rages - most often the silent violence, and cold shoulder, but sometimes full verbal abuse.  My wife is of the waif / victim type of BPD. 

I am concerned now because, according to what I see about her, she is taking responsibility for the problems.  While that should sound great, what it means to her is that she sees herself as worthless, empty, not being worthy of her family, hating herself, blaming herself, wishing she was dead, and all manner of dark feelings.  Although she may have secretly had these feelings, she is now writing them down and acting like she believes them.  I am glad in a strange sense, that I am finally not being blamed and persecuted for everything wrong and bad from the dawn of time (an exaggeration).  But I am also worried from a father's point of view.  This psychotic disordered woman has daily long-term contact with my (our) kids.  I have not seen her take blame like this before - or even hear the words out of my mouth, when I suggest that maybe we could both do better, for example. 

I am a worried about this change in her.  Does this foreshadow a change for the worse? (if that's possible)

I know this year has been hard on her since I am finally getting healthy, and enforcing boundaries, and stopping my caretaking habits.  I wonder if the storm is about to break open.

Any suggestions as to what I should prepare for next?

[livednlearned]

Hi SamGee,

Do you worry that your wife could be suicidal?

Or, are you concerned that she is trying (in her limited BPD ways) to reverse the course of divorce?

[ForeverDad]

Does she have experienced guidance from an emotionally neutral professional, a therapist or some other sort of counselor?  Very few of those described her manage to turn their lives around without expert help.  We can't step into those shoes because we are/were too close for the balanced thoughts and perspectives to get past the highly charged emotional baggage of the close relationship.  BPD behaviors are more evident the closer the relationship.

Only you can judge whether the marriage has hope of a future.  She sounds to be more acting-in than acting-out, so you may not experience the extreme conflict and obstruction many here have faced.  Maybe.  We can give insight, experiences, suggestions, strategies, point to communication skills that help but we're also somewhat limited as remote and anonymous peer support.

Often it is hard to get our loved ones into therapy or some level of counseling.  Many of us tried but the response often depends on how strong the Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting are.  Also, counseling is not just goo for her, it is good for you and for the children.  Everyone needs to know that the past was not what life should have been, it was abnormal, not normal.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

[SamwizeGamgee]

She has not seen any mental health professionals as far as I know.  I found some writing she did in which she cycles through all kinds of self loathing and wishing she was dead, kind of stuff. I think suicide is a possibility,  but she might rear up before reaching that point and turn into a holy terror.

My gut explanation is that she is just feeling dismal because I am stopping being a caretaker.

I have been feeling lately that even if things got better, by me or her changing, I feel like I just don't want to save it.  I'm just depleted and there has been too much of a history of problems.

I think she is am "acting in" type.  At least now that I don't give any play to rages and open conflict.  Maybe I should fight, but I just don't have it in me.

[ForeverDad]

She has not seen any mental health professionals as far as I know.  I found some writing she did in which she cycles through all kinds of self loathing and wishing she was dead, kind of stuff. I think suicide is a possibility,  but she might rear up before reaching that point and turn into a holy terror.

In the year before my separation and divorce she was moaning and groaning so much of the time but refused any professional help.  As we got closer to separation time, yes, she was a 'holy terror'.  My lawyer estimated a divorce with children (one preschooler) at 7-9 months.  It took nearly two years.

I have been feeling lately that even if things got better, by me or her changing, I feel like I just don't want to save it.  I'm just depleted and there has been too much of a history of problems.

This reminded me of an observation I made a year ago... .

She is in DBT so hopefully she is on the path toward recovery or at least improvement.  This reminds me of something JoannaK, a prolific poster here in years past, wrote about the future scenario when the pwBPD has largely recovered.  She noted that the person who once had BPD would basically be a different person, that one or both might look at the other and not have a wish to continue the relationship.  Not good or bad, just that the primary parameters - the spouses themselves - had changed that much.  Something to ponder... .

[SamwizeGamgee]

That is very insightful.  I remember telling a T many months ago, that I was trying to make decisions on what it really was, and not what it could be, or should be.  I described that even if there was an elixir that "cured" BPD, I do not think that I would, even then, be able to make the marriage work.  I think I sound selfish when I say that we are different people, and not good together, but, add to that the years of trouble I wish I could forget, and it just ends up toxic.  I wonder if I stayed longer because she was so broken, and I felt duty bound to carry on.  I wonder now that if she had been healthy all along, would we just have had enough problems to cause a divorce.  What if she actually stood up for herself in a healthy way, and did what she needed to do to be happy - and divorced. 

As an update, the past few days she has been seemingly happy. She is upbeat - at least outwardly. She has been engrossed in planning a birthday party for our son, so she seems wrapped up in that.  I am falling into the mindset that probably seems all to familiar to us: I am feeling that everything is OK again.  I remind myself that a storm could be brewing and I'm keeping my wits about me for when the other shoe drops.

[ForeverDad]

She has been engrossed in planning a birthday party for our son, so she seems wrapped up in that.  I am falling into the mindset that probably seems all to familiar to us: I am feeling that everything is OK again.  I remind myself that a storm could be brewing and I'm keeping my wits about me for when the other shoe drops.

Yes, something is likely to happen.  Common triggers are events and situations (not you) and birthdays are near the top of the list.  Other triggers are weddings, births, holidays, preparing to move, moving, preparing for vacations, vacations, etc.  The list can include almost anything.

See this as a pattern, a repeating cycle of push and pulls.  The good is her, the bad is her, both are her.  Until, if ever, she addresses her extreme behaviors then they will continue.  Typically it takes professional therapy or expert counseling.  Rarely can people with a PD fix themselves.

BPD is a disorder that is most evident in close relationships and that is why you can't fix her, she can't listen to you through all her intensely emotional baggage.

In short, if she can't or won't change for the better, then the ball is in your court, you will have to make some changes.  What those changes are is your decision.  That's what peer support is for.  We've been there, done that.  Learn from our hard-won experience.  Avoid common pitfalls and traps.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you.  I have grappled with the feelings you describe.  I was caught up in the push-pull for a long time, trying to do everything right, then have everything blow up on me and backfire.  What a cycle.  I'm glad I got away from that.

Interestingly, I have gotten a lot better as a person in the process.  But, I think I am near the end of this perfecting process in my life. 

I recall feeling a huge sense of relief when I got myself to internalize the motto, "I can't change her, I can't cure her, and I can't control her."

A while ago, she sat me down and listed off things that I should be doing for "us," and things she wanted to happen.  Near the end of the conversation, she supposed it was my turn to tear into her and express everything.  I remember being totally calm, and very thoughtfully gave her my response.  I told her that I don't expect her to do anything different, and I can think for myself and be me, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.  I realized I had moved outside of her artillery range at that time.

By the way, I am half way through the book "How to Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist... ." and it is life-saving advice.  There's a lot of homework for me to do, but it's good to have a coach. I wish that books like this were required reading in high school.  Sense of Self should be taught everywhere.