In love with me one day and over me the next

[CharWood]

It's just so frustrating and an absolute mindbang. I live with my BPD ex of 4 years temporarily and, let me tell you, I have been taken on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. One day I am dirt on her shoe and so annoying to her... .she is telling me to "stay out of her business"... ."don't worry about me"... .blah blah. Ok, so fine. Point taken. I withdraw from her and hang out in my room or outside... sometimes even leave the house for a bit. That's when she tries to pull me back into her orbit. She knocks on the door to my room to ask me questions or "show me a youtube video"... she has a bad dream and wants me to comes sit with her, she asks why im leaving her alone in the living room... .my phone goes off and asks who im texting... asks who is calling me. but yet, she went through a period of time when she was in hot pursuit of a replacement and left the house and wouldn't even come home some nights... .it was a month of absolute and utter insanity. She would talk to a replacement attempt for a couple of days and I withdraw from her and detach and then she comes hard back at me (why cant we be friends? let me take you to grab some food. lets go hang out. blah blah blah)... .finally I started dating again... .this is when she froze up and didn't know what the heck to do... .she stopped her replacement search. When I would come home from a date, she would be sitting on the couch absolutely wasted drunk and upset. She hasn't been out with a replacement since I started dating again. Instead, she seeks attention from people online who are far away. she did threaten to go on a date with one replacement, so she says. But, I have reason to believe it was a bluff and she just went to hang out at her coworkers because she was upset. I happened to see a text pop up on her phone from the replacement attempt upset that she blew him off. This date bluff happened after I had rejected her somewhat the night before when she was triangulating (she tried to draw a bath to "relax me" and got upset when I wouldn't take off my clothes in front of her and get in. She got in my bed when I was asleep and put her hand near my underwear and I pushed her away and told her to stay on one side of the bed... .keep in mind she is doing this while texting another dude - a total stranger she has never met). She responded to my pushing her away that night by getting up and chaotically leaving the house at 4am only to return a few hours later pleading with me to go to lunch with her and she bought groceries for the house.

She came onto me sexually for the first time since the breakup two weeks ago, saying why don't we just have "one last fling... .just one night" and explicitly grabbing my hips. The next day it was "I never said that." She has danced suggestively in front of me "as a joke"... .she even told my friend Saturday evening that I "entice her" when I put chapstick on in front of her (what the heck)... .she does things like this. She said I am a 9 out of 10 in attractiveness... .yadda yadda... .some days she will cry in pain and admit she needs therapy for her BPD... .other days she will deny the BPD and tell me that I am the crazy one... .One day she will flip through her old phone of videos and pictures of us and get sentimental, even teary eyed - other days she will say "stop talking about our past together. Don't worry about me. Forget it"... .One time she even told me that she has had thoughts of wanting to die since our break up and  she realizes she messed up a good thing and grabbed on to me and held me to her tightly sobbing into my neck for a few minutes. Of course she said it never happened or to "forget about it" the next day... .its the point. they vacillate back and forth. you never know what the heck you will get with a BPD. I walk into a house of smoke and mirrors everyday... .a funhouse... .never knowing what to expect at any given moment. Everything I just described is a sample of an experience that many nons have with their BPD partners and exes. Even they don't know what they want or why they act the way they do.

I have been told by my ex that she doesn't believe she deserves real love. That she has never seen an example of it and does not know how to love since her mom is BPD as well. That could explain some things.

I never know when they day will come that she leaves... .I do know she has never been able to let go of me completely during either of the 2 breakups, though we did not recycle this time around. Everyone says that it is like we are still in a quasi relationship but without intimacy and affection and that she gets to have her cake and eat it too... .I don't want that crud in my life. I deserve better than this. So do you. It is maddening and hurtful the way a BPD treats someone they form this primary attachment with. you become almost like the stable parental figure they never had and its pretty sick. On Sunday, my ex and I were taking a walk. She was on her phone taking selfies and texting strangers I assume... .I walked up further and cold-shouldered her, barely interacting or speaking to her during most of the walk. I noticed that she would see my distancing myself from her and she would try to walk very fast to catch up with me and match my pace... even trying to walk in front of me so she can get in my eyesight. I did not make any eye contact with her. I notice it drives her crazy... .finally she tried to playfully grab my shoulder and I just gave her a cordial smile and brushed her off... .she was looking at me like "why aren't you paying attention to me... ." This is symbolic of what they will do. They always want to keep you around and in their orbit, especially if you represent a stable parental figure they never had or someone they were able to attach to a little more than others.  They can push and pull you all they want but when you pull away... .they will scramble to pull you back in.

I have never completely detached myself from her and left her life. I shutter to think about her reaction. When I told her that I will move on eventually and my best friend will be whom I marry again and have children with, in response to her saying to me "I will always be your best friend though, right?" and I told her also someday we will not be in each other's lives... .her response was getting absolutely wasted and punching the wall and destroying my bedroom door. She was sobbing in the shower and telling me she hates me. but then would come up to me and cling on to me. The next day she tried to hold my hand and tell me "I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you and never wanted to hurt you"... .but she did. and she does. So see, if you actually leave a BPD lovers life and there is a significant attachment to you (meaning they stick around you for more than a few months, as BPD relationships are usually very short and intense)... .they will have a psychotic breakdown when you actually ghost them and leave, despite whether or not they break up with you... .mine did all that and I didn't physically leave her, just informed her that I planned to and that she wouldn't be a part of my future.