Anniversary and test results

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We had our anniversary the other day. We couldn't celebrate it together, because my BPDw was out of town taking her classes. When she got back yesterday, we exchanged gifts. She gave me a couple of things, a puzzle and a book about "Star Wars". I gave her a scented candle and something we both need, a new phone system, due to the fact that the one we have had is very old and does not work properly. I bought both of these gifts from money I earned. We thanked each other, and I said I would hook up the new phone system today. As I was doing so, she complained to me that we didn't have enough money for her bills, that we didn't need the new phone system. Then, she said in the same breath in a very condescending way, that she didn't want to stress me out about bills due to my health. I was going to say something, but she kept on talking. I felt so suffocated and so out of it. I didn't look at her and I refuse to look at her, because she is unwilling to listen that we actually do need a new phone system which only cost $90.

When she left to work out for the gym, I started to pack up the new phone system, because I was going to return it for a refund, but I couldn't find the receipt. So, I have decided to keep it for us.

I was and am so very upset with her verbal abuse. Granted, she has an outstanding bill for her D19's car, but it is only for a couple of months. That's the reality of the matter; however, the continuous verbal abuse that she throws at me is truly wearing me down.

To top off matters, I had an echocardiogram and a stress test today which thankfully turned out to be normal. Before having those tests, she said if I were to eat better, I wouldn't have these chest pains. The fact of the matter is that I do eat better, and I still have chest pains. When I returned and reported back to her that the tests were normal, she said that she was not surprised. What?

Now that she is back from the gym, she is almost like a kind person, but I am left feeling horrible and out of it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Samuel S.]

We had our anniversary the other day. We couldn't celebrate it together, because my BPDw was out of town taking her classes. When she got back yesterday, we exchanged gifts. She gave me a couple of things, a puzzle and a book about "Star Wars". I gave her a scented candle and something we both need, a new phone system, due to the fact that the one we have had is very old and does not work properly. I bought both of these gifts from money I earned. We thanked each other, and I said I would hook up the new phone system today. As I was doing so, she complained to me that we didn't have enough money for her bills, that we didn't need the new phone system. Then, she said in the same breath in a very condescending way, that she didn't want to stress me out about bills due to my health. I was going to say something, but she kept on talking. I felt so suffocated and so out of it. I didn't look at her and I refuse to look at her, because she is unwilling to listen that we actually do need a new phone system which only cost $90.

When she left to work out for the gym, I started to pack up the new phone system, because I was going to return it for a refund, but I couldn't find the receipt. So, I have decided to keep it for us.

I was and am so very upset with her verbal abuse. Granted, she has an outstanding bill for her D19's car, but it is only for a couple of months. That's the reality of the matter; however, the continuous verbal abuse that she throws at me is truly wearing me down.

To top off matters, I had an echocardiogram and a stress test today which thankfully turned out to be normal. Before having those tests, she said if I were to eat better, I wouldn't have these chest pains. The fact of the matter is that I do eat better, and I still have chest pains. When I returned and reported back to her that the tests were normal, she said that she was not surprised. What?

Now that she is back from the gym, she is almost like a kind person, but I am left feeling horrible and out of it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[formflier]

 

Good job keeping the phone system... even if you found the receipt... .I would have hoped you would have kept it.

So... .I get it you are upset with verbal abuse... .I'm curious why you continue to listen?  When she gets abusive... .what sort of response do you have?

FF

[Samuel S.]

As for why I continue to listen to her verbal abuse, I am living here. Today, my BPDw was studying all day and enjoying what she was learning. She doesn't have any major test next week, although there is a lot she needs to learn. When I came into another room nearby her and without even saying a word to her, I hooked up the phone system. That is when she made her toxic remark. If I were to have done something totally wrong, I could accept the consequences of any remark she would make. Nevertheless, she thanked me for this phone system gift which we really have needed.

As for when she gets abusive, I usually don't have a response. She doesn't give me any time to respond. It is shocking. It just gets to the point that I feel suffocated, depressed, and emotionally weak. I don't look at her, and I then leave after she is done talking. Otherwise, she will say I don't pay attention to her, that I am being rude.

It has gotten to the point that what I do here is useless, and I feel it is useless to even respond. Thus, I take it out on myself by feeling depressed and out of it. Sure, I do the laundry, buy groceries, and pay major bills for us. I have been loving, kind, respectful all the time to her. Then, I am trashed upon.

[formflier]

As for why I continue to listen to her verbal abuse, I am living here.

Not following how living together requires you to listen to verbal abuse

As for when she gets abusive, I usually don't have a response. She doesn't give me any time to respond. 

Why give a response to verbal abuse?  Have you ever just walked away?

FF

[Samuel S.]

I am living here, yes. I cannot control what comes out of her mouth when she is present and when I am present. I am not required to be verbally abused, nor should I be required to be verbally abused. She does it based on her mood or her stress level.

Yes, I have just walked away when she has been verbally abusive, but she then will become that much more verbally abusive. As for why to give a response to her verbal abuse, I usually do not, because she will say that I am being defensive. I do not argue or get angry. I just support myself, but that does not work out. Bottom line, it is her way or no way.

[formflier]

Yes, I have just walked away when she has been verbally abusive, but she then will become that much more verbally abusive.

Yes... .she will... .but if your ears aren't there?   

  Bottom line, it is her way or no way.

Hey... .if you want to post one of the last times that you tried to walk away... .and it became "her way"... .we can look through it and see what can be done so that next time works out better for you.

With properly applied boundaries... she can still have her way... .and you can have your way... .

She can't make you do things her way... .and you can't make her do things yours.

FF

[Samuel S.]

An example would be the following. My BPDw was extremely jealous of my D35. My BPDw said every undermining thing about my D35. I said that some of those things were true, but she is really a genuine, loving person. When my BPDw could not convince me to give up on my D35, she made a horrible comment: "If you feel that you love that her much, why don't you go marry her?" I was at my wit's end, and I knew that my BPDw had a warped view, even though I tried convincing her that there is a difference between wife love and daughter love. I started packing to leave our place. After a minute or two, my BPDw said that she didn't mean it that way, and she basically apologized. Thus, I was definitely trying to walk away, and she got her way to convince me to stay.

[formflier]

Walk away much sooner.  At first undermining comment.  Leave for 10 minutes and come back to see how she is doing.  If she gets you to stay... .still take the break.

FF

[Samuel S.]

You say that I need to walk away much sooner. Well, the comment is suddenly said. So, I couldn't have walked away much sooner. I couldn't have predicted she would say that. I agree with you that at the first undermining comment, I will leave for 10 minutes and return to see how she is doing, if she has mellowed. Thank you for the suggestion!

Another example of her verbal abuse in which there was no possible way I could walk away was when I was in the hospital for 5 days. The first day, she was fine and supportive. The next day, she visited me and said I should leave, that my hospitalization would be very costly. Mind you, I was in the hospital bed, very weak. At that point, the only way I could "walk away" was to not look at her. Then, she left, and I totally broke down when the nurse came in to take my vitals. She actually stayed by my bedside and held my hand and listened. After my hospitalization, my BPDw picked me up, complaining about the cost of my stay, but never once being concerned about my health. I was still weak. So, I couldn't walk away.

[formflier]

You say that I need to walk away much sooner. Well, the comment is suddenly said. So, I couldn't have walked away much sooner. I couldn't have predicted she would say that. I agree with you that at the first undermining comment, I will leave for 10 minutes and return to see how she is doing, if she has mellowed. Thank you for the suggestion!

Make it about you when you walk away. 

"I need a break from this conversation... .I'll be back in 10 minutes... "

When you get back to the conversation... .don't talk about the break or the bad stuff.  If they are still grumpy... .take another break.

Walking away is not always possible.  In those cases... directly say that you are not able to discuss (whatever it is)... .don't discuss it.

If they keep after you with it... .try to get assistance.  For instance... in hospital... push nurse call button.



FF

[Samuel S.]

Formflier, thank you for your excellent suggestions, and I will do these things, when and if my BPDw decides to be verbally abusive again.

I know I cannot control what comes out of her mouth, and she is the one who chooses what mood she is in and what she is going to say consequently. Validating and helping her to understand what is going on with her is really important. When she takes it that additional step on being verbally abusive, your excellent suggestions are great, and I will do these things. Yet, this is her home, and this is my home. We should feel comfortable, safe, secure, happy, and free from any issues of the outside world. I just wish we could prevent abuse of every kind, but that would be asking for a miracle.

[OnceConfused]

samuel:

You are too nice or even too soft of a guy. When your wife complained about the cost of the hospital , instead of just take it in on the chin like that, you should have ask:

You complaint about the hospital bill for me, so where do you suggest me to go when i was in dire shape? (then wait for her response)

Certain things you can just keep your mouth quiet and walk away but certain things you have to show you spine. Let her know that you don't take sh*t from her. You should not let her go that far. No wonder she keeps on saying whatever she wants.

[Samuel S.]

OnceConfused, first of all, thank you for the recommendation of the love language book which I am in the process of reading to get that much more insight. I don't have too much time on a regular basis, but I am making good progress in reading it.

Yes, people have said that I am a nice guy and perhaps too soft. I am that way by nature, because people deserve to be treated nicely and with respect. You say that I should have basically lashed out at my BPDw when I was in the hospital. If I were completely healthy, I would have said something, but I was weak and scared. Also, if I were completely healthy, I would not have been there in the first place.

As for showing that I have a spine by showing that I can stand up to her sh*t, I do not understand why she would even go that far as being verbally abusive with me. I have only treated her with love, with respect, with validation, and with kindness. To be given verbal abuse of any kind is totally uncalled for and very shocking.

I am reminded of a movie called "Straw Dogs", both the old and the new versions. The couple was a very mild, very loving couple who encounter people who antagonize them. It was only then that this couple had to resort to protecting themselves. I am like that couple. On very rare ocassions do I ever counter what she says, based on how I feel and how shocking the verbal abuse is.

Simply put, I am not supposed to be her verbal battering ram when she wishes to. I am a nice, maybe too soft, loving guy, and I do the best I can to help around here along with working even after retirement to support our family. She knows that, and I am still put down.

[Panda39]

Hi Samuel,

It really is about boundaries and protecting yourself from the abuse. It isn't about being mean to your wife.   You know you can't change her but you can change your reactions.  Formflier is suggesting a really good boundary... .when verbally abused, walk away so you both have the opportunity to calm down.  Can you think of any other issues that you might need a boundary around?  We'd be happy to kick around some ideas.

It looks like you've been a member for awhile so you may have already seen information on Boundaries but in case you haven't or want a refresher I've attached a couple of links below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

Take Care,

Panda39

[Ceruleanblue]

I get where you are coming from, Samuel. I'm getting pretty good at walking away, but there are times it is just so unexpected! Our MC called them "zingers", and he liked to act like I was doing them too, but in actuality, I don't feel I am/was. I mean, in MC, you are supposed to be able to address issues, and I was never sarcastic or rude, or condescending. I might have gotten indignant a couple times, but I don't like being lied about, or facts twisted.

I think when you or I are in situations where we can't just walk away, we have to deal with it in another way. I try to make a simple statement, that puts him on notice that what he said wasn't nice, or I just ignore it, and write it off an him having "issues"(BPD). I mean, sometimes I can't walk away, like when we are in the car. I used to feel like he'd have me captive in the car, and used that time to unleash on me.

Also, I'm not so afraid of how things "look" anymore. If we are in public, and he starts his crap, I'll say something. He used to think I'd be so afraid of anyone noticing, I'd take anything. Just the other day, at the airport, he was inappropriately texting a newly single woman, and trying to convince ME that I should be fine with it. I tossed his luggage at his feet, said something back to him, and walked off to cool down. He said it embarrassed him, and I don't care. It wasn't like I caused a huge scene, and we've had this same conversation about this same woman, and his continued contact with her, for years. I'm sick of him playing hero to this woman, while he treats me like crap. He even called OUR landlord to see if he had any more places to rent, so she could move to our town! Talk about a lack of boundaries.  

And no, I don't think he's cheating, but I do think he should care about how his texting her makes me uncomfortable, but with his strong NPD traits, his feelings always come first.

Sam, does your wife mock you or belittle you? Is she sarcastic? I deal with that a lot from BPDh, and I just hate it. He even makes rude hand gestures to me. It's like he never matured emotionally, which seems to be pretty common with BPD.

[Samuel S.]

Ceruleanblue, what your BPDh has done texting this woman and in front of you is absolutely horrible! If and when he does such a thing again, you might want to ask him if it is okay for you to be texting a male friend of yours. When a BPD realizes the impact of their behavior and how they would feel if it were done to them, then, they might react in one of two ways. They might stop and realize that you exist, or they might become very defensive. No matter what, they will realize what they are doing.

Yes, my BPDw has mocked me and belittled me. She has verbally and emotionally abused me. The most horrible example was when she suggested that I get a flu shot. So, I did. Later that same day, she and this other pharmacist talked about some professional stuff on the phone. This other pharmacist jokingly said that I was at the pharmacy "with another woman", which was absolute BS! I was there by myself! My BPDw laughed and responded that I should be there with another woman, because she is so busy with her work and with her studies. Later that evening, she came home to tell me what happened and laughed about it. It took me a couple of weeks to calm down, but I called this other pharmacist saying that he was totally unprofessional and that his accusation was horrible! I said that my BPDw has been verbally and emotionally abusive to me and that his joke didn't help at all! At the time, he said he didn't recall what he said which was BS. Then, about a week later, he called me to apologize profusely, saying that he now recalled what happened and apologized over and over again.

Due to my BPDw being so verbally and emotionally abusive, it took me over a year to confront her about this. When I asked her about how she would feel if I were to have said something like that, she gave a meek apology. Yet, she is still verbally and emotionally abusive, but not as bad as this incident.